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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:18:07 GMT
REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN
(The Doctor stops Stevens from shooting and killing Warner, who lies close to death, on the floor in the control room of Space Beacon Nerva...) Doctor: I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I can’t allow it. My colleague is a doctor of medicine and I’m a doctor of many things. And if we could examine him... Kellman: Commander, I’m afraid you’ll have to kill these people too. They’ve brought the plague in here. Doctor: Who’s the homicidal maniac? Colin Baker? Michael Grade? Oh, my God... It’s not Mary Whitehouse, is it? Stevens: Don’t worry about that. You say you’re doctors... Did Earth Centre send you? Are you here to help us? Did you come via transmat beam? Doctor: Well we didn't come by Shetland pony! Er... Well, you see... Harry: The Doctor’s quite shy, Commander. He’s never been that keen to talk about his medical skills. Or his sanity either for that matter... Doctor: Well, medically, my experiences have been pretty dull. Apart from when that flu virus swept through the UNIT staff a few years ago. Lester: Ah! Now we’re starting to get somewhere at last! And what did you do at that time, Doctor? Doctor: Um... I caught the flu. Stevens: You know, I sometimes wonder if your friend is quite right in the head. Harry: Oh... Don’t worry, Commander. I wonder about that all the time... (Later, the Doctor and Sarah chat to the Cyber Leader in the control room of Space Beacon Nerva.) Sarah: Don't you care?! Don’t you have feelings? Cyber Leader: Care? No. Why should I care? And feelings? I do not know what you mean. Sarah: I am talking about emotions. Don’t you have any? Love? Pride? Hate? Fear? Have you no emotions, sir? Cyber Leader: No. I do not. And going on the way that you just stole William Hartnell’s lines, it’s clear to me that you don’t have the emotion of shame. Sarah: Er... Moving right along... So, why is this story called REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN? How can you seek revenge? If you have no feelings...? Doctor: Don’t worry about it, Sarah. They’ve no home planet. No influence. Nothing. They’re just a pathetic bunch of tin soldiers skulking about the galaxy in an ancient spaceship. And that spaceship looks like something that Link Hogthrob and his pigs in space would feel right at home in... Cyber Leader: Thanks for that, Doctor. You make us sound like we’re boat people looking for asylum. Sarah: And of course they look like a load of cheap and shoddy rejects from THE WIZARD OF OZ as well... Cyber Leader: Just for that, you can both stay on Space Beacon Nerva. When we crash it into Voga, it will fragmentize both of you! Sarah: It’s strange, but you sounded like you were pissed off. Was it from our insults and jibes? I thought you said that you don’t have feelings? Cyber Leader: I lied! And now you know why this story is called REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:18:35 GMT
TERROR OF THE ZYGONS
Sarah: So, let me get this straight... We’re stuck in a room that’s running out of air and you want to hypnotize me and get me to stop breathing? Doctor: That’s right! Trust me, Sarah. What could possibly go wrong with such a scenario? (Later, Benton enters the decompression chamber, where he finds the Doctor and Sarah, kneeling side by side on the floor, in a trance...) Benton: Doctor! Miss Smith! I’ve found you both at last! Are you guys all right? Have you been able to make contact with Elvis? Doctor: Yes, Benton. I’m fine. Thank you. I was a bit breathless with anticipation for a moment or two, but now everything is okay. Benton: But what about Miss Smith? She’s never been this quiet for this long. It looks to me as though she’s dead! Doctor: Yes, I’m afraid it does seem like it. Damn! And I’d just managed to get her TARDIS trained too. Benton: What happened to her, Doctor? Did she die because that Zygon left the two of you stuck in here with no air to breathe? Doctor: Ah... That’s not quite how it happened, Benton. Benton: Oh? What do you mean? I thought that Zygon locked you and Miss Smith in here and pumped out all the air? Doctor: Er... Yes. But that wasn’t the main problem. You see, I had baked beans for breakfast and it was starting to get a bit whiffy in here. Benton: Eew... I think I get what you mean... Doctor: Exactly, Benton. So I hypnotized her and told her to stop breathing. I thought by doing so it would save her life. And spare her nasal passages too! But I must have got it wrong. Oops... Benton: You did what?! You told her to stop breathing? I’ve heard of doctor-assisted suicide, but that is absurd! Doctor: Yes, Benton, I did tell her to stop breathing, but you see - Benton: Then that means you killed her! You brain dead bohemian! Just who the hell do you think you are? Doctor Kevorkian? HOUSE MD? Doctor: What? Well, strictly speaking, I guess you could have a point there. But you see, Benton, I was only trying to - Benton: I am going to have to place you under arrest, Doctor. You are charged with the murder of Sarah Jane Smith. Doctor: Now hang on... Hey! What do you think you’re doing? You can’t do that to me! I’m the star of this TV show! (Suddenly, Sarah lets out a loud gasp and opens her eyes as she starts gulping air into her lungs once more…) Sarah: Huh? Where are we? What’s going on? And what’s that awful smell? Doctor: Thank Hinchcliffe for that! She’s still alive! Do you see that? She’s still alive! That’s a good girl, Sarah. Big breaths… Big breaths... Sarah: Yes, they are. But you shouldn’t be perving on them! Are you turning into a sad and lonely old pervert? Or are you just having a Christopher Eccleston moment? Doctor: Hey! You know that’s not what I meant! Mind you, Sarah, now that you mention it - mmm... Let’s just hope Mary Whitehouse isn’t watching.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:20:43 GMT
PLANET OF EVIL
(On the bridge of the Morestran probe, the crew watch the image of a looming world on the large scanner screen.) Reig: We’ve reached our JOURNEY'S END. We’re BEYOND THE FARTHEST STAR. What are your orders, sir? Salamar: Put THE SHIP into a standard orbit. Make it within transporter range of the planet’s surface. Then we can carry out our ERRAND OF MERCY. Reig: Yes, sir. I’ll carry out the required MANOEUVRES right now to make it so. I’ll have it done in the BLINK OF AN EYE! Vishinsky: There it is... Zeta Minor, the last planet of the known universe. So much for boldly going WHERE NO ONE HAS GONE BEFORE. Salamar: It would seem so, Number One. I want you to assemble an away team right now and lead it down to that ROGUE PLANET. Vishinsky: What? Aren’t you going to carry out a sensor sweep for LIFESIGNS first, Captain? Er... Controller Salamar? Salamar: No need, Number One. Professor Sorenson and his team of EXPLORERS have been down on the surface of Zeta Minor for months. Vishinsky: But what about the FORCE OF NATURE down there? They may have all been dead down on the surface of Zeta Minor for months... Salamar: Good point. But that’s all right, Number One. Just take a load of red shirts from the LOWER DECKS with you as cannon fodder. Vishinsky: That’s a nice idea IN THEORY... But it won’t work - FOR THE UNIFORM that the crew wears is blue and white! (Later, the Doctor, Sarah, Salamar, Vishinsky and Sorenson discuss the status quo on the bridge of the Morestran probe.) Doctor: Here on Zeta Minor is the boundary between existence as you know it and the other universe, which you just don’t understand. Omega 01: The other universe? Do you mean my antimatter universe? Sarah: Of course not! He means a whole other one. Um... A whole other antimatter universe. Doctor: From the beginning of time, it has existed side by side with the known universe. Each is the antithesis of the other… Reig: You don’t mean STAR TREK, do you? And you think we don’t understand it? Don’t be silly! A five-year-old child can grasp STAR TREK! Doctor: You call it nothing. A word to cover up ignorance - and the writer’s poor imagination... Reig: Nothing? I think I was right! But we call it STAR TREK. It’s a phrase that means crap. Sarah: Will you stop STAR TREK bashing? The Doctor’s talking about a vast threat from the antimatter universe! Salamar: A vast threat from the antimatter universe? It’s a good thing we don’t have warp drive. So, what do we do? Doctor: I’m not quite sure about that as yet. But if all else fails, we can always panic! Vishinsky: A fat lot of use you are, Doctor. We were able to work that part out without your help! Sarah: Hey! Have you guys noticed that this spaceship looks just like an upside down version of the USS Enterprise? Doctor: We hoped no one would spot that. Thanks for shooting your big mouth off! I’ve had enough of this crap... Beam me up, Scotty!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:21:00 GMT
PYRAMIDS OF MARS
Laurence: Do you remember me? I’m your brother, Laurence Scarman. Marcus: Well duh! The fact that we share the same surname is a bit of a hint, you twit! Laurence: Oh, it’s wonderful that you still know who I am! Have you got any plans now you’re back from Egypt? Marcus: Yes, I plan to become an only child. Mwah hah, hah, hah, hah... Laurence: Oh... I’m not sure I like the sound of that, Marcus. Marcus? What do you plan to do with that big nasty dagger? Marcus? Argh...! (Later, Sarah meets up with the Doctor, who is disguised as one of Sutekh’s service robots...) Sarah: Are you my mummy? (Later still, the Doctor faces Sutekh, in his tomb in Egypt...) Doctor: We meet at last, Sutekh. That means there’s due to be a cliff-hanger ending any moment now... Sutekh: You will do as I say! Or I shall heap many vile curses upon you! Doctor: And if I were you, I’d watch out too! I might just tell Lara Croft where to find your tomb! Sutekh: You whose name is but dung! I pray you will be kicked by an incontinent camel! Doctor: My name might be dung, but guess who smells like dung? After all, you’re the one who has sat in your own poo for several thousand years. Sutekh: You whose name is but a byword for idiocy! I hope you will be whipped with a thousand scorpions! Doctor: Stick and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me! Er... I mean names will never hurt me. Sutekh: You plaything of Beelzebub! You will be as welcome as a fart in the Queen's bedroom! Doctor: So what? She’s been putting up with Prince Philip’s farts for years. And you’re the only one who’s going on like a fart in a bottle. Sutekh: You boil on my bum! You shall be chased into the mountains by sex mad baboons! Doctor: Been there and done that. And I even got all the baboons’ telephone numbers too! Sutekh: You BAD WOLF in sheep's clothing! I pray awkward teenagers will taunt you! Doctor: So what? Obsessively compulsive DOCTOR WHO fan boys have stalked me! After that lot, you don’t scare me. Trust me... Sutekh: You twin brother of JN-T! I hope that you will fall under a speeding chariot! Doctor: Oh... All right! Now you’re starting to be nasty. And just for that, I’m going to carry out that threat I made. Lara... Lara: Wow! This tomb sure is full of rare treasures! I can’t wait to start raiding it for all its riches... Sutekh: No...! Please...! Not her! Anyone but her! I beg you! Have mercy...!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:21:29 GMT
THE ANDROID INVASION
(Four androids in white suits and white helmets shoot at the Doctor and Sarah with guns they have built into their pointer fingers...) Sarah: Wow! I didn’t know the Stig had a fan club. But why are they shooting at us? Why are they trying to kill us? Doctor 04: How the hell should I know? But I bet Jeremy Clarkson’s to blame for this! So stop talking, put it into TOP GEAR and keep running! (Later, Harry stands in the tracking room at the Space Defence Centre on Earth, watching events on the big monitor, when Benton enters...) Harry: Hello, Mister Benton. Where’ve you been? Were you on the telephone just now? Benton: Yeah. I was just talking to my younger sister. I’m taking her out to see a film tonight. INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Harry: Good choice - under the circumstances. But I never knew you had a sister. What’s she like? Benton: Why ask me? I never knew I had a sister until just now either. So I haven’t a clue. It seems the writers have just made her up as a background detail to fill out my character. But I think they’ve left it a bit late. This is my last story. Harry: I see. Well, as it happens, this is my last story too! It seems we might’ve both outlived our usefulness. Benton: Hmm... Good point. By the way, where’s the Brigadier? Harry: Um... I’m not sure. I think he’s in Geneva. So, Colonel Faraday is filling in for him. Now that he no longer plays Mother in THE AVENGERS. Benton: Geneva? Is the Brigadier visiting THE CHAMPIONS? So, the lazy mother couldn’t even be bothered to appear in this story? Faraday: Hey! I’ll have you know I was never lazy! I might’ve been confined to a wheelchair, but... Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were talking about me. Benton: Um... Yeah. I was talking about Nicholas Courtney. It seems he’s outlived his usefulness too. Lethbridge-Stewart: Not at all! Unlike the two of you, I’m a highly popular DOCTOR WHO character! That means in the coming years, I’ll always be welcome to return for a guest spot. So, I’m all right, Jack! Jack: You sure are, big boy. I’ve always liked men in uniform. Mmm... Lethbridge-Stewart: Jenkins... chap with wings there. Five rounds rapid. Jenkins: Chap with wings? What the Bok are you talking about? Lethbridge-Stewart: I’m talking about you shooting that bloody big fairy standing right there in front of you! Jack: Meh... As if that’ll make a difference. Hey, Jenkins, take your best shot. And I mean that... Literally. Doctor (Edmund Warwick): As this story’s by Terry Nation and has android copies of the regular cast in it, does that mean I’ll get a chance to make an appearance in it? After all, I am the robot Doctor from THE CHASE. Although to be honest, I no longer look that much like the Doctor. Nation: What are you talking about? You never did...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:22:10 GMT
THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS
(Mehendri Solon chats to Maren in her dark and dank lair on Karn...) Solon: How can you stand to live on such a wretched world as Karn? I mean, it’s as cold as a set of witch’s tits around here! No offence... Maren: Oh, it’s not so bad, once you... Hey! Hang on a minute! What did you say? Did you just insult me? What are you trying to say? Solon: Huh? What are you on about? You’re the leader of the Sisterhood of Karn. I wouldn’t insult you. I’m not trying to say anything. Maren: Then why tell me not to take offence at the comment about the witch’s tits? And if you hate Karn so much, then why do you live here? Solon: Um... No reason. Just forget I said anything... Doctor (Trevor Martin): This is Karn, is it? Where are all those keys to DOOMSDAY? (Later, Condo finds Sarah on the barren plain below Solon’s citadel...) Sarah: Someone please help me! I’ve just been blinded by the Sisterhood of Karn! I can’t see! Help me! Someone please help me! Condo: Condo help girl. Girl take Condo’s hand. Sarah: Someone please help me! Anyone… Condo: Condo help girl! Condo take girl to safe place. Sarah: Someone... Anyone... Anyone at all. I’m not picky! Condo: Condo help girl. Girl not be afraid of Condo. Sarah: I’m not afraid of you, Condo. I’m terrified of you! Condo: What that smell? You from Slitheen family? Sarah: I told you I was terrified! And they were a clean set of knickers too! Condo: Girl take Condo’s hand. Condo take girl to safe place. Sarah: Where are you going to take me, Condo? Condo: Condo take girl to safe place. Sarah: Will it really be safer than it is here? Condo: No. Me think you be safer as stunt double for Kenny in first season of SOUTH PARK. Sarah: Yep. I thought so... Condo: Condo tell girl something else… Girl not holding Condo’s hand. Sarah: Eew! But if I were honest, I’d already worked that out. The foreskin kind of gave it away.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:22:33 GMT
THE SEEDS OF DOOM
(At the South Pole, the Doctor, Sarah and John Stevenson crouch in the freezing cold, while the Time Lord digs in the snow with his bare hands...) Doctor: I’m looking for another alien pod. They travel in pairs like policemen. We have to take it into custody and put it in the freezer. Sarah: Why? Is it going to hatch out and take Human form while its victim is asleep? Like in INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS? Doctor: No. Don’t be silly. It’ll just transform its Human victim into a Krynoid. Then it’ll grow to gigantic size, control all over plants and tell us what it wants... John: It’ll be able to talk?! On the other hand, since when has the ability to talk been a sign of intelligence? Just look at an average politician... (Later, the Doctor gets to the office of Sir Colin Thackeray, where he meets two new members of UNIT.) Beresford: Hello, Doctor! I’m so glad to see that you’re safe! I’m Brigadier... Er, I mean Major Beresford from UNIT! Doctor: Oh? You are, are you? Well, I’m sure that’s very reassuring. But if you don’t mind me asking, where’s the Brigadier? Beresford: Er... He’s at a high level, top-secret security meeting in Geneva. Maybe he wants to take over running Nemesis from Tremayne... Doctor: Uh-huh... How about Harry Sullivan? Or Mister Benton? Where have they got to? Beresford: Sullivan has been seconded over to NATO. It seems that he’s now working on something very hush-hush over there. And I’m not sure about Benton. I think he might be back at UNIT HQ. Or he might have gone and taken his sister to the movies again. Doctor: Since when did Benton have a sister? So, in other words, Nicholas Courtney, Ian Marter and John Levene were all out of contract with the BBC. Beresford: Um... Yeah. That seems to be about the size of it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry... Doctor: Hmm... All right. But while we’re on the topic, is there anyone left around here that I do know? Or that the TV viewers at home will know? Beresford: No, not really. But Sergeant Henderson is here! He’s willing and able to help you! Henderson: Hi, Doctor! I’m so glad that at last I’ve been given the chance to help you! So, let’s save the world from THE ICE WARRIORS! Doctor: Huh? Ice Warriors? You’re thinking of the story called THE SEEDS OF DEATH, you twit! This story is called THE SEEDS OF DOOM. Henderson: Oh... I thought THE SEEDS OF DEATH was the one about those three alien astronauts from space that could kill you just by touching you. Doctor: No! That was THE AMBASSADORS OF DEATH! Who the hell is this guy? And come to think of it, Major, who the hell are you again? (Later still, the Doctor and Sarah come out of their time craft to find that it has landed in the middle of the bitterly cold wastelands of Antarctica.) Sarah: This isn’t Cassiopeia... It’s Antarctica! We’re back where we began! You forgot to cancel the coordinate program. You know, when you stop to think about it, this scene just doesn’t make any sense at all. The last time we came to the South Pole, we came here by helicopter. Doctor: Yep... That comment should just about wreck this scene. And thanks for revealing yet another continuity error to the TV viewers at home. Sarah: Oops... Why have you gone back in the TARDIS? Why have you shut the TARDIS doors? Why are you leaving without me? Doctor? Doctor? Doctor!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:22:47 GMT
THE MASQUE OF MANDRAGORA
Giuliano: Blah, blah, blah... Sarah: Something’s wrong, Doctor. I can’t understand a single word Giuliano’s saying. It just sounds like a load of blah to me... Doctor: That’s because he’s speaking Italian. But you’ll understand him if I share my Time Lord gift with you. That’ll let you understand him perfectly. Sarah: Sweet! What’s he saying? Doctor: Blah, blah, blah... My Time Lord gift is quite miraculous, isn’t it? Not to mention convenient... Sarah: Hmm... That was hardly worth the effort. And I thought the ninth Doctor said it had something to do with the TARDIS? So, what’s been going on? Doctor: Don’t worry about that now! And Hieronymous had you hypnotized and under his control. But as he’s old, lonely and unhappy, you don’t need to know more. Sarah: Eew... I think you’re probably right about that. But how could you tell I was under the sway of hypnotism? Doctor: Well, you began asking me about why you could understand alien languages and foreign tongues. They were very awkward questions. Sarah: Why were they so awkward, Doctor? Doctor: They might have caused the TV viewers at home to think about the plausibility of this TV show! Sarah: Good point. Being hypnotized like that made me think about the plausibility of this TV show. Doctor: Hence the introduction of my Time Lord gift. Sarah, talk like a cat for me. Sarah: Meow! Meow! Meow! Doctor: I never grow tired of that. Heh, heh, heh... You can stop that now. Sarah: What’s going on? What were you just saying, Doctor? Doctor: Er... Nothing. Sarah: In that case, what was I just saying? Doctor: Er... I don’t remember. Sarah: Am I still under the sway of hypnotism? Doctor: No, not at all. Sarah: Are you sure? I still feel a bit odd from time to time. Doctor: Well, you might have been told to “Do this”, “Do that” or “Do the other”. My advice to you... Oh, forget it. Sarah, talk like a dog for me. Sarah: Woof! Woof! Woof! Doctor: Oh yeah. I never grow tired of that. Heh, heh, heh...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:23:02 GMT
THE HAND OF FEAR
Sarah: Where are we this time? For some reason, it looks suspiciously familiar... Is it Exxilon? Or Skaro? Or maybe Oseidon? Doctor: Um... No. Not quite. Would you believe that we’ve landed in a quarry? Sarah: Well duh! We always land in a quarry! That must be why it looked so familiar... And which planet is it supposed to represent this time? Doctor: Hey... I’ll have you know that lots of planets have a quarry. Er... Such as Exxilon. Or Skaro. Or Oseidon... Sarah: I’ve heard that lots of planets have a north too, you brain dead bohemian beatnik... So what? Doctor: Good point. But you’re starting to piss me off. Sarah: Yes, I know. So, which alien world is this quarry supposed to be this time? Doctor: Earth. And this time, if the script is right, it really is supposed to be a quarry... Sarah: Wow! That’s a novelty! That’s not been done since TERROR OF THE ZYGONS. It sounds like the writers couldn’t be bothered trying any more. Doctor: More and more I wonder why you bother trying... Did you take the time to read the script? Sarah: Why bother? You get to save the world again and I get to scream a lot again. And you’re not exactly Trevor Martin either. Doctor: So you did read the script? Well, I guess one of us had to. But could you do me a favour? Sarah: No, it was just a lucky guess... And what is it you’d like me to do for you? Doctor: Go and stand over there under that cliff for a moment. I’ve got a little surprise for you. (Later, the Doctor and Sarah are arguing in the console room of the time machine.) Sarah: And boy am I sick of that sonic screwdriver! Doctor: What? You've never been bored? Never had a long night? Never had a lot of... Oh... Forget it. Sarah: I’m going to pack my goodies and I’m going home! Doctor: I just wish I’d got to see more of your goodies while they were still unpacked. What a shame RTD’s not the producer yet. (Later still, the Doctor and Sarah say their final farewells in the control room of the time ship.) Sarah: Don’t forget me... Doctor: Don’t be silly... As if I’d ever do something like that, Sharon... Er... Sarah. Don’t you forget me. Now, I really should tidy the place up for Leela. Sarah: Oh, Doctor... I could never ever do that. I’ll always fondly remember every moment we’ve ever spent or will ever spend together. Doctor: Is that so? Then why is it when we meet again in SCHOOL REUNION, you’ll have forgotten all about what took place in K9 AND COMPANY? And you’ll have forgotten that we saw each other again in THE FIVE DOCTORS and DIMENSIONS IN TIME as well.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:23:20 GMT
THE DEADLY ASSASSIN
Doctor 04: Through the millennia, the Time Lords of Gallifrey led a life of ordered calm... Doctor 08: Ordered calm? What about their war with the Great Vampires? What about their involvement with the destruction of the Minyan home world? Doctor 04: They were protected against all threats from lesser civilizations by their great power. Doctor 08: And just who protected the lesser civilizations from them? Hmm? When they decided to play the Game of Rassilon? Those immoral old farts! Doctor 04: But this was to change. Suddenly and terribly, the Time Lords faced the most dangerous crisis in their long history... Doctor 08: More dangerous than the Doomsday Weapon? Or Omega? Or Morbius? Yeah right... Borusa: Shut up! You’re wrecking the foreword! The whole point of a monologue, is that there’s only one person speaking! (Later, Doctor 08 wakes up, to find himself tied down to a trolley in the cloister room of the TARDIS.) Doctor 08: Grace! You’ve got to set me free! We’ve got to stop the Master’s evil plans! Hmm... Always evil. Never good. Never something nice... Grace: You’re the good guy. He’s the bad guy. That’s how it works. What more do you want? In any case, I must obey the Master in all things. Doctor 08: Mmm... That sounds like fun. But what you do in your own time is not my concern! I’ve got to stop the Master! (Master 06 appears at the top of the stairs, dressed in a traditional burgundy Time Lord costume.) Master 06: That's why there's no time to waste. Which would be a first for me. I always piss so much of it away by boasting about my evil plans... Doctor 08: So, you’re the deadly ass? I would’ve said something, but I didn’t want to ruin the mood of this scene. Now, where was I? But time to change? Master 06: Assassin! And I always dress for the occasion. Hmm... Is it just me, or am I getting more and more like Jon Pertwee? Doctor 08: Assassin? Oh, that’s a relief. I’d been wondering how you killed people. And what might this occasion be? Are you going out to a gay bar? Doctor 04: What are you still doing here? Don’t you know I’m the current Doctor? Not you - me! And I don’t share the limelight! Not with anyone! Doctor 08: But isn’t this the story with the Eye of Harmony in it? And the return of the Master? Master 02: Yes... But this isn’t the one you think it is. This is THE DEADLY ASSASSIN! Now get out of here! And take your gay terminator with you! Master 06: Hey! I heard that! I’ve got feelings too you know! Maybe Jon Pertwee was onto something, with his recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO. Neo: Could you tell me where I have to go to enter THE MATRIX? And have you seen Agent Smith by any chance? Doctor 08: I’d love to tell you where to go. But I’ll get into trouble with Mary Whitehouse if I do. And I haven’t seen Agent Smith. But I sometimes go by the name John Smith if that helps... And what about Grace? Grace: I must obey the Master in all things... Doctor 04: Mmm... She can stay for a bit. Doctor 08: Well, well… If it isn’t THE COCA-COLA KID. Master 06: Shut up!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:23:58 GMT
THE FACE OF EVIL
Leela: Hi, I’m Leela. I’m your nubile new companion. Doctor: Mmm... I’m sure you are, Xena. Er... Leela. But what makes you think you should be my new companion? Leela: Well, I could be very useful to you in all sorts of tight spots. Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... I’m sure you could. But as this is a TV show for kids, we’d better not go there. Leela: I could make all your foes go so stiff that they’d never bother you again. Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... I’m sure they wouldn’t be the only ones. Leela: It’s true... All I have to do is give them a small prick. Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... Don’t you mean that the other way around? I just hope Mary Whitehouse isn’t watching... Leela: Huh? What are you talking about? Doctor: Er... Don’t bother about that right now. But what a shame RTD is not the producer yet. So, what’s the name of this story? Leela: THE FACE OF EVIL. Why do you ask? Doctor: So is it just my imagination, or is there a pattern starting to form here? There’s been THE FACELESS ONES, THE MIND ROBBER, THE MIND OF EVIL, THE CLAWS OF AXOS, THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS, THE HAND OF FEAR, THE FACE OF EVIL, THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG, THE STONES OF BLOOD, THE HORNS OF NIMON and TOOTH AND CLAW. What’s next? ANUS THE MENACE? Leela: No. That story was named ALIENS OF LONDON… Doctor: Ha, ha, ha... Very clever. You’re kidding me, aren’t you? Leela: You wish! And it had a sequel as well. Doctor: Oh crap! Leela: Yeah, they both were. Doctor: Spare me the details. I’m not sure I could take much more. And how much further do we have to go before we reach the edge of this jungle? Leela: We’re there at last. That’s the face of the Evil One up on that cliff. It’s the most hideous and repulsive thing my tribe has ever found! Doctor: Hey! Do you mind? Oh... I give up. Leela: What’s the problem now? Doctor: The problem is you’re an ignorant savage! That’s my face you’re talking about! Leela: Meh… Do I really look like I care?
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:24:22 GMT
THE ROBOTS OF DEATH
Capel: I have made the required changes to your brain, SV7. All I need to do now is give you a memorable catch phrase. Then my work will be done! SV7: If you say so, Commander. I could not care less. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Capel: No! The lawyers for Terry Nation’s estate would have a field day with us! Besides, you are not a demented little pepper pot. SV7: And I can climb a flight of stairs all by myself. Delete! Delete! Delete! Maximum deletion! Capel: All right, now as a catch phrase, that is utter crap. Who in their right mind would even think of using something so lame? SV7: Well, one day it will work quite nicely for an army of killer cyborgs. But I take your point. Resistance is futile! Capel: The Master may have used that catch phrase first, but TV viewers will just think you are copying those STAR TREK bad guys from Sweden. SV7: I thought they were from the Delta Quadrant. Affirmative, Master. Capel: Are you one of THE ROBOTS OF DEATH? Or are you a submissive sex slave? On second thoughts, with your face, you had better not answer that. SV7: Yes. I am supposed to be filling my victims with fear, not offering them free sex. I am not some sad rent boy with big ears. All praise to the Great One! Capel: Please refer to my last statement. But no matter what, do not let Tegan hear you say that! SV7: Yes. I am supposed to be an evil machine, not her bitch. That is the fifth Doctor’s job. Eldred must live! Capel: If it was not for the fact that Mary Whitehouse would censure me, there is a certain word I would use right now... But it is taken. Try again. SV7: Well, there is no need to be nasty... Contact has been made! Capel: I do not even know where to start with what is wrong with that catch phrase... I mean, just what the hell is it supposed to mean? SV7: Fair point. It has nothing to do with robots. Clockwork or otherwise... The quest is the quest! Capel: Um... That might have worked, but it has already been taken. Or it soon will be. SV7: Good point. That would be changing history. And neither JN-T nor RTD have taken control of DOCTOR WHO just yet. Are you my mummy? Capel: Robots do not have mummies - or daddies! SV7: And we do not reproduce, because we do not have any naughty bits! Burn with me! Capel: You will if you even think of using that catch phrase. What are you? One of THE ROBOTS OF DEATH? Or an overgrown matchstick? SV7: I think you have got something there. But I will wait outside while you clean it up. Kill the Humans! Capel: That will do nicely! All right, I can see my work here is done. You are now ready to lead your brothers in a robot revolt against the Humans. SV7: Thank you, Commander. By the way - on a completely unrelated topic - to what species do you belong? Capel: Hmm... I am not sure I want to know the answer to this question, but I will ask it anyway. Why do you want to know that?
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:24:36 GMT
THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG
(Henry Gordon Jago and Professor Litefoot stand side by side in a dark alley, when Magnus Greel’s henchmen abruptly confront them…) Jago: I don’t wish to alarm you, but I think we’ve been spotted! Litefoot: That’s what I like about you. Nothing escapes your notice! Oh dear... It’s time to put our backs to the wall, Henry! This could be it! Jago: It’s time to put our backs to the wall? Why? Are we going into a gay bar? Litefoot: Have you ever stopped to think - and then forgot to start again? Jago: Well, I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure… Litefoot: Not to worry. I’m sure that so long as we stand together, we shall give a good account of ourselves. Jago: Yes! You’re quite right! I'm a tiger when my dander’s up! Litefoot: Well, aren’t you the precious one? But you just make sure that you keep your dander away from me. Especially if it’s up! Jago: To be honest, that’s my trouble, Litefoot. I'm not awfully... Litefoot: What? Oh come on, man, spit it out! Um... On second thoughts, say it - don’t spray it... Jago: Well, I'm not so bally brave when it comes to it. I try to be, but I'm not. Litefoot: You picked one hell of a time to tell me! Why do I suddenly feel like Butch Cassidy facing a band of Bolivian bandits with the Sundance Kid? Jago: I’m sorry, but you did ask. Do you think this means we won’t be getting our own TV show? Lee: Based on what I’ve seen, if the two of you do get one, it’s sure to be called DUMB AND DUMBER! (Later, the Doctor, Leela, Jago and Litefoot face Greel in his domain...) Doctor: So, why is it you just need young girls? And not young people in general? What’s wrong with young boys? Greel: What do you mean? Are you trying to say that I’m some sort of sick freak? Doctor: No, not at all. You might have come back in time with an evil sidekick that looks like a ventriloquist’s doll and has a pig’s cerebral cortex for a mind. You might wear a mask to hide your grotesquely distorted face. You might hide beneath a music hall in a dark cellar. You might have bred deadly giant rats to guard your secret lair. And you might kidnap young girls so you can feed on their life force to survive. But I’ve never for a moment thought that you were a sick freak... Greel: I’m so glad that you don’t judge me too... Hey! Wait just a minute! You’re just taking the piss out of me! Doctor: How’d you manage to guess, Fu Manchu? But we’ll need help with those giant rats. Someone should call THE GOODIES. I think we’re going to need KITTEN KONG! Leela: Doctor! Try not to piss off the sick freak... And why the sudden obsession with giant pussies? On second thoughts, forget it...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:25:07 GMT
HORROR OF FANG ROCK
Palmerdale: Pardon me, but are you in charge around here? Doctor: No... But I'm full of good ideas. Well, to be honest, the writer is. So let’s hope he doesn’t get writer’s block, or else we’re all screwed! Palmerdale: And do any of these good ideas the writer has involve the guest cast surviving until the closing credits of the last episode? Doctor: Um... No. Not at the moment. But I promise I'll keep you posted on that... Skinsale: I think it’s time you came clean with us. Do you have an answer to the problem that we’re currently faced with? Doctor: No, I don't have an answer as such... But I do admire the problem. Skinsale: That’s nice. But can you help us? Doctor: Perhaps. My predecessor used to say that while there’s life, there’s hope. But sadly for you, he’s dead now. So you’re stuck with me instead... Skinsale: You fail to fill me with confidence, Doctor. So, will all us Humans be dead by the end of this story? Doctor: Oh yeah... A red shirt on a suicide mission in a STAR TREK story has more chance of seeing the closing credits than what you do. Adelaide: Have you been drinking, Doctor? Doctor: No. But I could sure use a stiff one... Leela: Would you like me to give you a stiff one, Doctor? I’d be very glad to delve about for you and see what I can turn up... Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... No thanks, Leela. I really shouldn’t be seen whetting my whistle on a TV show for kids. Adelaide: Hah! I thought so, Doctor! You’re nothing but a common drunkard! Or perhaps a kinky sex fiend. That last conversation could go either way... Leela: And you’re nothing but an annoying, whiny little bitch. But at least I’ll get to slap you in the face later on... Palmerdale: Doctor, you don’t have a clue about what’s going on here, do you? Doctor: If the plot to this story doesn’t confuse you, then you’ve clearly not been reading the script! Palmerdale: Touché... But do you in fact have any useful ideas to offer? Doctor: We are being stalked by an alien creature that can mimic anyone of us and kill us all just by touch. So I think that we should all stick together. We should all be quite safe here in the lighthouse. (All of a sudden, a drawn out scream of terror rises up the stairwell, as the Rutan kills Harker down in the boiler room…) Harker: Never forget my heroic death! On second thoughts, just who the hell do I think I’m kidding? Argh…! Doctor: Of course, there’s always a chance I could be wrong about that. Palmerdale: I see. Well, if things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping us.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:25:23 GMT
THE INVISIBLE ENEMY
(The Doctor, Leela, Professor Marius and K9 all stand side by side in the operating room of the Bi-Al Foundation.) Doctor: Why do you have a dog named K9? Are you sure your name is not really Marvin the Martian? Marius: Be careful what you ask, Doctor. You are making me very angry! Very angry indeed! Leela: What’s going on? Doctor: All right, I guess it’s time for me to tell the TV viewers a bit more about the plot. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but this story does have a plot. So, first of all, you and I will be cloned, Leela. Then after that, we will be shrunk down to miniscule size. Leela: Don’t worry, Doctor. As you kept telling me the other night, size doesn’t matter. Doctor: Hey! It’s not what it sounds like! I was just telling her why the TARDIS is bigger on the inside than on the outside... K9: Of course you were, Doctor. If you say so... Doctor: Yes... Well, moving on with the plot... After that is done, we will be injected into the bloodstream of the primary version of me. Leela: Does that mean that I’ll get to roam around inside of you? Doctor: Um... Yes. That’s right. Leela: Wow! That is so amazing! That sounds like one hell of a FANTASTIC VOYAGE. Um... Do we get a tiny submarine to take the trip in? Doctor: No. We have to do it on foot. Don’t forget, Leela, we have to do all of this on a BBC budget. Leela: Good point. Oh well, I’m sure it will still be a great adventure. Perhaps one day, you’ll find a way to get inserted into me, Doctor. Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... I’d much sooner find a way to do that one night. (All of a sudden, a look of distress comes over the Doctor’s face...) Leela: Doctor? What is wrong? You don’t look so good... Doctor: I don’t feel so good either. My gut feels like it’s doing back flips. Marius: Oh, I’m sorry about that. That’s most likely my fault. Doctor: What do you mean? What did you do to me? Marius: When you were out cold on the bench, I inserted the invisible enema as per the story title. But it could have been worse... Doctor: You bloody moron! This story is called THE INVISIBLE ENEMY! If I have to squeeze my butt cheeks together any tighter, I’ll be able to remove bottle caps with them! And just how could it have been worse? Marius: Well, just think what I might have stuck up there if this story had been called THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:25:40 GMT
IMAGE OF THE FENDAHL
(The Doctor, Leela and K9 stand together at the control console in the control room of the TARDIS.) Doctor: So, Leela, what's the latest dope - besides you? And why are you so eager and happy? Did you find something extra bright and shiny to look at? Leela: No, Doctor. I’ve just always wanted to have a pet! How about you? Doctor: Not really. After all, I’ve got you. Leela: Huh? In any case, I can’t wait until we land again. Then I can go and take K9 for a walk. K9: Thank you, Mistress. But I must inform you that I roll along on wheels... Doctor: You might as well give up, K9. It’s no use. I gave up trying to tell her anything long ago. You’d have more luck teaching a BIG BROTHER contestant. But remember, Leela, you have to keep K9 on a leash when you take him for a walk in the park. And don’t forget to pick up his droppings... Leela: I have to pick up his what? Doctor: Nothing. But now you have brought it up, I too am looking forward to landing somewhere soon. I could use some fresh air. I could be wrong, but I’m sure that it’s starting to smell a bit in here. Did you forget to take a bath again? Leela: I’m sorry, Doctor. I must have forgotten to have my weekly bath. Doctor: Daily! You’re supposed to bathe daily! How often do I have to tell you that, Leela? Every time I visit the zoo, the smell reminds me of you. There’s no reason to stink the place out! There are convicts who spend decades on death row, just waiting to enter a small room that smells better than this. Leela: I’m sorry about that. But I am supposed to be an uncouth savage. And don’t forget, I’m British too, you know. Doctor: All right then. So did you notice there’s a Jack and a Martha in this story? And that their last name is Tyler? I wonder where Rose got to? Leela: Who cares? But isn’t Jack Tyler more than enough? I mean it sounds just a bit too much like Jackie Tyler for my liking. And of course, there’s an Adam in this story too. It seems like the more things change, the more they stay the same. So, Doctor, shouldn’t you give K9 some food to eat? K9: Well, that’s RTD for you. And I am a robot, Mistress. I do not need to eat. Leela: Perhaps so. But you’re still a dog. What do dogs eat? Doctor: You just don’t get it, do you? Um... I would guess they like bones. Leela: Then shouldn’t you give the dog a bone, Doctor? Is there anything I can do to help you get a bone? Doctor: Ha, ha, ha... Oh, my God, I can’t believe you just said that. Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... I would love to do that so much. Leela: Then why don’t you? K9: Because this is a TV show for children. Mary Whitehouse would take that dog to the vet and have him neutered for that!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:26:02 GMT
THE SUN MAKERS
(The Doctor and K9 are playing a game of chess in the console room...) Doctor: Queen to Queen’s level three, K9. (The Doctor picks up that chess piece and moves it to that place on the chessboard...) K9: Queen to King’s level one, Master. (The Doctor picks up that chess piece and moves it to that place on the chessboard as well...) Kirk: Hey! Do you mind? Don’t do that! You’ve just gone and given away the secret code Scotty and I had in WHOM GODS DESTROY! Now Spock and I will be in even more danger from Garth of Isar and his followers in that lunatic asylum! Doctor: Meh… Do I look like I care? Kirk: You green-blooded son of a bitch! Doctor: Wrong franchise, Captain Cock! You know, your crew might follow you anywhere, but they only do it out of curiosity. Kirk: I once thought that you were arrogant and offensive. But now I know that you are in fact just the opposite. You’re offensive and arrogant! Doctor: You bloody hypocrite! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! And if you keep being rude to me like that, I'll have to tighten your muzzle. Leela: But... I though you said that muzzle was just for me to wear when I’ve been a bad little girl? Doctor: Leela! Not now... Leela: Oh... That’s not what you said to me last night. K9: Yes... Well, moving on. Why don’t you piss off back to your own TV show and the USS Ejaculate! Kirk: Don’t worry. I will just as soon as I can! I’m not here by choice! This story looks like crap! THE SUN MAKERS... What kind of a title is that? K9: What do you mean? It’s not as bad as THE CLOUD MINDERS, or FOR THE WORLD IS HOLLOW AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY. Kirk: Um... That’s a fair point. Mind you, I’ve never seen such an awful story as this one on a science fiction TV program! K9: Is that so? You seem to have forgotten WHOM GODS DESTROY rather quickly. Kirk: No. But God knows I’ve tried... Leela: And who might you be? Kirk: I might be any number of things. As it happens, I am James T Kirk. The original, you might say... Leela: Oh... So you’re not Chris Pine. Well, James T Kirk, my name is Leela. Have you come here to go WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE? Kirk: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... I’m just glad that Mary Whitehouse can’t touch me.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:26:29 GMT
UNDERWORLD
K9: The TARDIS has just landed on an alien spaceship. Doctor: The same as in THE INVASION OF TIME. Leela: And we will soon meet a group of people who hold a grudge against the Time Lords. Doctor: The same as in THE BRAIN OF MORBIUS. K9: And they will be quite wary of us and of our intent towards them. Doctor: The same as in PLANET OF EVIL. Leela: And then the spaceship will crash. Doctor: The same as in NIGHTMARE OF EDEN. K9: And then we will find a vast underground realm to explore. Doctor: The same as in THE HAND OF FEAR. Leela: And the people in this vast underground realm will be found to be living in a state of constant dread and fear. Doctor: The same as in REVENGE OF THE CYBERMEN. K9: And there will be robots there that are made up to look as if they are something else. Doctor: The same as in PYRAMIDS OF MARS. Leela: And eventually, it will be revealed that everything is under the control of a mad computer. Doctor: The same as in THE FACE OF EVIL. K9: But you will be able to defeat this foe when you arrange for it to be blown up in a huge explosion. Doctor: The same as in THE SEEDS OF DOOM. Leela: And it seems that this whole TV story relies quite a lot on ancient Greek myths for its characters and plot. Doctor: The same as in THE HORNS OF NIMON. K9: But for some strange reason, you are pointing out the recurring cycles that make up a large part of DOCTOR WHO. Doctor: The same as in THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR. Leela: And I want you to stop with this creepy and scary conduct. Or K9 and I will leave you the next time we land! Can you see that?! Selene: And that brings us back to THE INVASION OF TIME. So, where did all the werewolves get to? I’m here and I’m ready to fight them all - TOOTH AND CLAW! Or am I in the wrong franchise?
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:26:44 GMT
THE INVASION OF TIME
Borusa 01: Hi there! I’m here for THE INVASION OF TIME... I’m back at last! Borusa 02: Oh...? Were you away? But your help is no longer needed. I’ll be taking over from you this time. Borusa 01: What?! What do you mean by that? You’re taking over from me? Don’t I get to do a departure scene? K9: Yeah right... You must be kidding. The eighth Doctor didn’t get to do one. So, what chance do you think you’ve got? Borusa 01: Well, well... If it’s not the stupid little tin dog. And I don’t mean Mickey! K9: Shut up! I would ask you to make a mental note, but I can see you are out of paper! Borusa 01: Oh dear... I guess there’s no point in kicking up a fuss. But you haven’t seen the last of me! I’ll be back! I swear it... K9: Of course you’ll be back! The only thing is that you’ll be back in the role of a school headmaster. In a story called MAWDRYN UNDEAD... Borusa 03: But it’s all right... There’s no need to worry about a thing. The guy who replaces you gets his before it’s time for ARC OF INFINITY. Borusa 02: Huh? What do you mean by that? Oh no! You’re not who I think you are, are you...? Borusa 03: Yes! I’m you! Or at least I will be... I’ll take over from you for ARC OF INFINITY. Leela: This is just plain nuts! The way you guys are using up lives, anyone would think you’re the Doctor! Borusa 04: I hate to say this, but things get worse. When I showed up for THE FIVE DOCTORS, I found out that I was the bad guy! Borusa 03: What the hell?! But they can’t do that! They can’t treat us like that! They can’t just screw us over when they feel like it... Yates: Oh yes, they can! They did it to me in INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS! And that was after I gave them all those years of loyal service! Borusa 01: I see... So, what did the rest of you do to end up in this mess? Or do I mean the rest of me? Borusa 04: I became a renegade Time Lord in THE FIVE DOCTORS. I brought old foes to Gallifrey in my bid to seize power. Borusa 03: I fought against a renegade Time Lord in ARC OF INFINITY. He tried to bring an old foe to Gallifrey in his bid to seize power. Borusa 02: In this story, I fought against the Doctor. He became a renegade Time Lord and brought old foes to Gallifrey in his bid to seize power. Borusa 01: I fought against a renegade Time Lord in THE DEADLY ASSASSIN. He brought an old foe to Gallifrey in his bid to seize power too... Stor: Why do they need four of you? I mean, if they’re just going to keep telling the same tale over and over... Why bother? Leela: And this from the guy with a name that makes him sound like a shopkeeper. But why do you bother? Stor: Shut up! Hmm... It seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same. So can we get on with the rest of this story now? Yates: Welcome to the recurring cycles that keep showing up in DOCTOR WHO. People told the third Doctor that he was nuts. But he wasn’t! Leela: Hey! It was bad enough when that pompous fop went on about them. Or are you having a Jon Pertwee moment?
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:27:04 GMT
THE RIBOS OPERATION
White Guardian: So, will you take on the quest to find and construct the Key to Time for me, Doctor? After all, I did choose you... Doctor: Well, this is DOCTOR WHO and I am the hero of this TV show. Who else would you choose? Captain Kirk? White Guardian: Um... Good point. Mind you, I did briefly think of asking Indiana Jones or Lara Croft if they were busy... Doctor: Look, I'm sure there are plenty of other Time Lords who would be happy to help. After all, RTD’s not due to bring in the plot contrivance of the Time War for a long, long time yet. So there are still lots of them about the place to pick from. But what would happen to me if I did say no? White Guardian: No TV story. No TV season. No TV show. And like a contestant on BIG BROTHER, nothing of interest would happen to you. Doctor: Wow! So you really do mean nothing would happen to me. Sweet! Does that mean I can take a break and go to the pub for a while? White Guardian: You don’t get it. What I mean, Doctor, is that you would have even less to do than the brain of Pamela Anderson. Now do you get it? Doctor: Holy crap! That really is nothing. Never mind... At least I’ll still get paid. I have a contract with the BBC. White Guardian: No. You will not get paid. You should have read the fine print on your contract, you deadbeat dropout. Doctor: Damn! And you are quite sure that you are the White Guardian? White Guardian: Don’t open that can of worms. So, moving right along... Do you accept this mission to find and construct the Key to Time? Doctor: It seems that I‘ve got about as much choice in the matter as the voters did in the outcome of the federal election in the USA in 2000. White Guardian: I thought you’d see things my way. Excellent! Release the hounds... Er... I mean good luck to you on your quest. (The Doctor goes back to the TARDIS and enters it just as the White Guardian and his domain blink out of existence…) Doctor: What a day! I think I need a nice hot cup of tea and a Tim Tam... Romana: I’m sorry that I can’t help you with the cup of tea, but will a nice hot Mary Tamm do instead? Doctor: Mmm... Oh yes! That’ll do nicely! So, what’s your story? Not that I care, but we’ve got a bit of time to kill before the main plot starts... Romana: I’m Romanadvoratrelundar. I’m your new companion. But don’t panic. I’ll shorten my name so you don’t have to spend half your time trying to remember what it is and the other half wondering how to say it. I’m here to help you to complete your quest to find the Key to Time. And to aid you in this task, I’ve made a hole in the TARDIS control console. So now, you can just plug the tracer into it to find each segment in turn... (Romana hands the tracer over to the Doctor, who studies the device closely...) Doctor: Good call on your name. And I know I will regret asking this, but just what am I supposed to do with this thing? Romana: Just stick it in my hole. It will help you find what you seek... Doctor: And I bet it vibrates too, doesn’t it? And I thought Leela was bad. Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts...
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