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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:18:09 GMT
VENGEANCE ON VAROS
Doctor: Uh-oh... I think we’re got a problem. We’ve just run out of energy… Peri: Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. But after twenty-two seasons, just what do you expect? To be honest, I never thought DOCTOR WHO would last this long. Not when you bear in mind just who the current producer is. And having you as the star of the series wouldn’t help. And not to mention the lousy writers who come up with these stupid plots. And I bet I’m not exactly wowing the TV viewers at home either. So, when you take all of that into account, it’s little wonder there’s an eighteen-month hiatus coming up at the end of this season. Doctor: Are you done yet? I wasn’t talking about the TV program, you American arse! I meant the TARDIS! The power source has been totally drained! Peri: But way back in EARTHSHOCK, Tegan said the TARDIS had limitless power. Besides, how can the TARDIS run out of something so vital so suddenly? It just doesn’t make any sense. And if we’re so totally out of power, why haven’t the lights gone out? And why does everything else in here still look the same? Doctor: Thanks for pointing out the continuity error, the poor plot device and the lack of special effects to the TV viewers! Once more... Peri: Do you really think they hadn’t noticed? You must have a really low opinion of other people’s intelligence, if you think they're as clever as you are. Doctor: Are you trying to piss me off, Peri? Or is it something that just comes naturally to you? Peri: Well, I have to do something to amuse myself while I’m waiting for the plot to start. If there is a plot this time... Doctor: All right, you just wait until I have my next psychotic break! I’ll make sure I finish the job I started on you in THE TWIN DILEMMA. Peri: What makes you think you’ll be here long enough to do that? And can’t you call for roadside assistance or something? Doctor: What the hell are you on about? I plan to outlast Tom Baker! I plan to be the longest serving Doctor of all time! Peri: Yeah? Well, I planned to get through my stint on this TV series without being touched up by warped psychos, sleazy slugs or insane mutants, but there you go... Doctor: Well, it’s a bit late for regrets now. But just what are you trying to tell me? Peri: I’m just saying I wouldn’t count on it if I were you, since I doubt that you’ll make the grade. Doctor: Oh, Peri! That’s utter nonsense! I'm on the best of terms with JN-T. He'd never sack me... Peri: He’s not the one you have to watch out for. But it doesn’t matter. Have a nice day - or drop dead and change again. It's all the same to me… (The Doctor suddenly lunges at Peri, grabs her by the neck and tries to strangle her to death…) Doctor: Die! You asinine American bitch! I’m going to kill you! Die! (After a brief but violent battle, Peri is able to fight the Doctor off…) Peri: What the hell was all that about?! Did you just have another one of your psychotic breaks? Was it due to your recent regeneration? Doctor: No. It was nothing like that. I just don’t like you, you asinine American.
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:18:26 GMT
THE MARK OF THE RANI
Peri: Okay... While we kill a bit of time waiting for the plot to start, why don’t you tell me what possessed you to wear that monstrosity of a costume? Doctor: I didn’t want to wear this piece of crap. I thought I’d look much better in a dark top and slacks. With a big black leather jacket to top it all off. Peri: Wow, Doctor! That does sound really cool! So, why couldn’t you get that other set of clothes instead of this puke suit that you got stuck with? Doctor: JN-T told me I had to wear this! And bloody Eccleston called dibs on it first! And what did you really want to wear? Surely not that rubbish? Peri: Shut up! But if you’re the sixth Doctor and Christopher Eccleston is the ninth Doctor, how could he have got in first...? Master: I am here to introduce the plot - Doctor: Hey! Do you mind not interrupting us? Master: I have my Tissue Compression Eliminator aimed straight at the two of you! You are both defenceless! You will both surrender to me! Doctor: Oi! Do you mind not interrupting us?! We were having a private chat! And you know where you can stick your vibrator... Master: It’s not a vibrator! It’s my... Er... It’s my deadly weapon. And you were not having a chat. You were just arguing with Miss Brown, as per usual. Doctor: Your deadly weapon, huh? Well, you can give it whatever pet name you like. But Peri thinks she was hired due to her acting skills! Rani: Fair point. We can come back later. Master: Nonsense, woman! This is our big chance! There’s nothing that he can do to stop our complex and convoluted scheme now! Doctor: Oh yeah? How about if I thump you? (The Doctor steps forward and punches the Master in the stomach…) Master: Ow! That’s gonna hurt... You just don’t put the same effort into stopping bad guys as you once did, Doctor. And I thought this was a family TV series? Doctor: That felt even better then when I got to shoot Peter Davison! And if you don’t stop whining, I’ll turn this into an adult’s only TV show! Master: It’s now clear to me that I'll have to take control of the situation. That is if I wish to win this battle! Get out of my way, you mere woman! Rani: Stop! Don’t you dare touch anything! I’m warning you! (The Rani steps forward and knees the Master in the groin…) Master: Ow! That’ll leave a mark... But at least it explains the name of this story. Please excuse me while I extract my testicles from my throat... Doctor: Impressive! Not only does he dress like a penguin, but now he actually walks like one too. I like a Time Lady who can handle herself. Rani: And I like a Time Lord who knows how to be a man. Peri: Oh please... Do the two of you want to be left alone? Or will you two be getting a hotel room? And I was hired for my acting skills! Why else? Rani: Are you sure she’s not blonde? But did you actually hear anything? I know I didn’t. So, should we go back to your TARDIS or mine? Mmm...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:18:53 GMT
THE TWO DOCTORS
Corbett: Ah... It seems that THE TWO RONNIES lives on. Good evening! It's wonderful to be back with you again. Isn't it, Ronnie? Barker: Indeed it is. It was revealed in a DOCTOR WHO survey published today that Colin Baker is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy... Doctor 06: I hate to spoil your fun, but this is THE TWO DOCTORS, not THE TWO RONNIES. Corbett: Oh well... There was a fire in JN-T’s office today. But it was put out before any serious good was done. And now, it's goodnight from me... Barker: And it's goodnight from him. Doctor 06: Now... Where was I? Don’t worry, as soon as I’ve got your restraints undone, you should be free. It should only take me a jiffy! Doctor 02: Thank JN-T! I didn’t really want to be tortured to death by a psychotic Androgum woman in a cellar of a hacienda in Spain. Doctor 05: Well, if it’s not number two and number six. Am I in THE PRISONER? But I see you’re both in A FIX WITH SONTARANS. Doctor 06: Did you have to mention that bloody sketch? I still have bad dreams about Tegan! And what the hell do you think you’re doing back so soon? Doctor 05: Oh yeah... I know what you mean about those bad dreams of Tegan... Doctor 06: You just can’t take a hint, can you? I’ve known deaf, dumb and blind kids with a more highly developed sense of perception than you. Doctor 05: Huh? Who are you talking about? Or should I ask THE WHO are you talking about? Doctor 06: I shot you, I tried to terminate you and I even replaced you in the lead role! But you just keep coming back, don’t you? You’re like a turd that won’t flush! Why can’t you take a bloody hint? You’re as bad as that bloody Adric! So, what do you want? Doctor 05: I’m not as bad as Adric! But you’ve just reminded me why I’m here. There’s someone I’d like you to meet... Doctor 07: Hi there! I know you think I’m not due here for ages yet. But I’ll be showing up a lot sooner than you might have thought. Doctor 02: Hey! I hate to interrupt while you’re busy talking to yourself, but would one of you mind getting me out of here? Or do I mean one of me? Doctor 06: Oh, no you won’t, Sylvester! Not if I can help it! Doctor 01: Oh, my God! I thought my second incarnation was a bit of a clown... But you really do dress for the part! Hmm. Hmm. Doctor 07: But that’s just it, Colin, you won’t be able to help it. You won’t have any say about it at all. Doctor 06: May I remind you all that this DOCTOR WHO story is THE TWO DOCTORS. Not THE FIVE DOCTORS! I’d say that was a bit of a hint! Doctor 01: Hmm... I was worried when my second and third incarnations became a dandy and a clown. But now my fifth and sixth incarnations as well? Humph! Doctor 05: Whom do you think you’re calling a dandy? It’s me that you’re calling a dandy, isn’t it? I mean, I’m not the one clad like a colour-blind clown. Doctor 06: You wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey, airy-fairy, namby-pamby, wishy-washy neurotic nancy boy bitch! Just shut up! Doctor 02: Hey! I could use a little help over here! Hello? Oh, for the love of God, will one of you get me out of here before Servalan gets back!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:19:16 GMT
TIMELASH
Peri: So tell me, Doctor, what do you think of my new clothes? Do you think they suit me? Doctor 06: Yuck! They’re loud, they’re crass and they’re tasteless. That means they’re absolutely perfect for an American! Peri: What do you mean? What’s wrong with them? By the way, I’m not really an American. This is just a false accent! Doctor 06: You’re wearing them. And you’re not really an actress either, are you? But I can see why you were hired. I just hope they’re not false too! Peri: What difference does it make if I’m wearing them? And you can’t talk! You look like a dyslexic rainbow! Doctor 06: I know! But as I already told you, I couldn’t get the costume I wanted. And the answer to your other question is I just don’t like you! Peri: Well, I’m not crazy about you either. So do me a favour and just try to remember that you’re not playing Maxil anymore. Doctor 06: You idiot! I was hoping the TV viewers wouldn’t notice that little fact about Maxil and me! Well, well... Kerr Avon! So, what are you doing these days? Tekker: Well, well... Bayban the Butcher! I’m just playing a bad guy who’ll abuse, use and exploit anyone or anything to get what he wants. Doctor 06: Oh, you’re still playing Kerr Avon, are you? But guess who I met during THE TWO DOCTORS... Jacqueline Pearce! Tekker: Er... I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to be doing to be honest. But what’s she doing these days? Is she still trying to take over control of everything? Doctor 06: Pretty much. She was playing an evil bitch who would abuse, use and exploit anyone or anything to get what she wanted. Tekker: So she was still playing Servalan, was she? Doctor 06: Er... I’m not entirely sure. But it doesn’t matter. So, moving on with the plot... Tekker: This story has a plot? Fair enough. So, how about you? Should I call you Bayban the Butcher? Or would you prefer Bayban the Berserker? Peri: I think of him more as Bayban the Bloody Obnoxious. But feel free to choose for yourself. Doctor 06: Quiet you! I am in fact an unstable lunatic who suffers from bouts of extreme violence and dresses up like Krusty the Klown... Tekker: So, that means you must still playing - Doctor 06: That means I’m the Doctor! The hero of this TV show! Peri: What are you two prattling on about? I’m confused. Is this supposed to be BLAKE’S 7 or DOCTOR WHO? Or, considering the story title, UFO? Tekker: Oh, of course you’re the hero. If you say so. And by the way, welcome back to Karfel. I see you’re travelling with just one companion this time. Doctor 03: You know, it’s strange, but I can’t ever recall coming here before. And I’m pretty sure no one else ever travelled in the TARDIS with Jo and me... Doctor 06: Hah! I thought so! I know revisionist history when I see it! But in spite of all that, we must still be very careful with this new threat that we face. Peri: Which new threat, Doctor? SHADO or the TIMELASH? And why’s that? Is it some type of deadly new weapon? Doctor 06: I meant the TIMELASH! Because it’s full of tinsel and if we wreck it, the set designer will be very pissed off at us!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:19:30 GMT
REVELATION OF THE DALEKS
Doctor: Davros! So, you’re the revelation in REVELATION OF THE DALEKS! Davros: Well duh! Of course I am! It could hardly be the Daleks, now could it? Not since they get a mention in the title. Doctor: Er... Good point. So, you’re the secret force behind Tranquil Repose? The Great Healer? Did you murder my old friend Professor Stengos? A guy I’ve never mentioned before and will never mention again after this story. Did you do it so you could lure me here from halfway across the galaxy? Davros: Er... No. He just didn’t hear the bomb ticking away inside the package I sent him. It’s not my fault he was deaf! Doctor: And why did you lure me here from halfway across the galaxy? Was it just so you could drop a polystyrene statue full of fake blood on me? Because if it was, then I’d have to say you’re slipping a bit. I mean, it’s a pretty lame scheme, even by your low standards. Davros: You incongruous clown! Just shut the hell up! Doctor: Have you been up to your old tricks again? Conducting strange and perverse experiments on the dead bodies interred here? Davros: Hey! Just what are you trying to imply? But what if I have? It’s not as if they’ve had anything more important to do. You’d be amazed at how empty your social calendar becomes when you’re dead. The dead have no friends because they smell really bad. Doctor: You’d have to ask Princess Diana about that. But you’ve used their genetic material to create food and you’ve then sold it for public consumption, haven’t you? Davros: So what? I named it SOYLENT GREEN. Just how much of a clue do I have to give people? It’s not my fault if no one knows SOYLENT GREEN is people! Doctor: And you’ve been secretly rebuilding your Dalek army again, haven’t you? So you can once more attempt to take over the universe... Davros: Well, everyone needs a hobby to while away their spare time. But this time, I also did it to serve my lord and master. Doctor: Your lord and master? You know, you’re starting to sound just like Peter Davison. But who do you mean? Terry Nation? Raymond P Cusick? JN-T? Davros: No, none of them. But my lord and master has promised me control over the whole of space and time if I destroy you! Doctor: Oh? And just who might this lunatic be? Omega? The Black Guardian? Peter Davison? Grade: No, it is I! I will finally remove you from space, time and BBC TV for all time! Doctor: Oh nuts! I might’ve known it’d be you! But so what? I’ve escaped from alternate universes, parallel dimensions and time loops before… Grade: This time you won’t escape! This time it’ll be an eighteen-month hiatus! Mwah hah, hah, hah, hah... Doctor: Er... An eighteen-month hiatus? Now, I don’t want you to take this personally, but that wasn’t quite the cliff-hanger ending to this story I had in mind. And what’s the big deal? That just means the next season of DOCTOR WHO will go out a bit later than normal next year. Grade: Ah... But you fail to see the bigger picture! This also happened to BLAKE’S 7. Remember? And now... Doctor: And now BLAKE’S 7 has been cancelled! Oh crap! Now I see just what an evil genius you truly are! You’re even worse than Davros!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:19:49 GMT
THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD: THE MYSTERIOUS PLANET
Peri: What’s wrong, Doctor? You look like you’re worried about something. Has JN-T told you to pack your bags and get out? Doctor 06: No. Don’t be daft, Peri. I’ve told you before that I'm in tight with JN-T. He'd never toss me out. But since you ask, I’m not quite sure what’s wrong. It just seems to be taking us a lot longer to reach our destination then I thought it would... Peri: Why’s that? Have we run into some sort of temporal anomaly? And whether JN-T is a tight fit for you or not for is none of my concern. Eew... Doctor 06: No! That’s not how I meant it! Do I look like Jack to you? Anyway, it’s that eighteen-month hiatus that we’ve been put into by Michael Grade. That utter bastard! So, how about you? What have you been up to since we left Tranquil Repose? Working on getting some of your likeability back? Peri: Hah! You can’t talk... Don’t you think that you should work on getting at least some likeability to begin with? And since you asked, I've been working on my obnoxious fake American accent. I’ve been trying to get more of a nasal whine into it... Doctor 06: Kill me now... Doctor 07: Well, this has come a lot sooner than I expected, but if you insist... JN-T said I wouldn’t be taking over until next year. Doctor 06: Well, if it isn’t THE LOLLIPOP MAN. But it’s just an expression. As I told Peri, I'm in tight with JN-T. He'd never toss me out... Doctor 07: Yeah right. As you know, planets come and go. Stars perish. Matter disperses. Coalesces. Forms into other patterns. Other worlds. Nothing can be eternal... So, what makes you think you’re an exception to the rule? (Later, Doctor 06 chats with Merdeen, who is one of Drathro’s train guards.) Doctor 06: You know, for some reason, you look familiar to me. Have we met before? Hmm? Oh well. So, what have you been up to lately, Merdeen? Merdeen: Well, if you really must know, I’ve been out hunting... Doctor 06: Oh, good for you. And just who or what is your quarry? It’s not Sylvester McCoy by any chance, is it? It’s doubtful, but there’s no harm in hoping. Merdeen: No. It’s you... Doctor 06: Whoa! Now look... If it’s because of this coat I wear, I can change it! I swear I can! But before I die, at least tell me if we’ve met before... Merdeen: Yes. My name was Duggan. I was an English detective. I met you in Paris when I was there investigating Count Scarlioni's art sales. Doctor 06: Yes, of course! I remember you now! We met in CITY OF DEATH! You were that private dick... Merdeen: Well, of course it’s private! I would hope every guy wants to keep it private! Or at least under some sort of cover. Like boxer shorts or briefs... Author: I’m afraid you’ll have to leave it there for now. We’ve just run out of time... Doctor 06: Huh? What the hell are you talking about? Author: To be continued...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:20:05 GMT
THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD: MINDWARP
Author: Last time on DOCTOR WHO, the Doctor and Peri had at last finished their eighteen-month hiatus - Doctor: What do you want? And what the hell do you think you’re doing?! Does this look like a STAR TREK story to you? We don’t need a narrator! Author: I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’d swear you’re starting to sound more and more like William Hartnell... Doctor: Shut up! You’re just being silly... Sil: Don’t call me silly. I am Sil. Doctor: Shut up! I know your bloody name! And I wasn’t talking to you! But since you’re here, I think you’re being cocky... Sil: Don’t call me cocky. I am... Er... Sil. Doctor: So, why did you break THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD up into four bits? It was billed as one story in the RADIO TIMES. The longest one ever! Author: Maybe... But it’s clear that the production team didn’t have a clue about which way to go. Whether to make one story of epic length, like with THE WAR GAMES. Or to make four separate stories with a linking theme instead, like with the Key to Time season... Doctor: True. JN-T and Eric Saward did both give interviews where they both gave the clear impression that they both thought this season consisted of four separate stories that were linked by a running theme... But those two are too busy bitching at one another to pay much attention to anything else! Author: Good point. But it is still a fact that each of those four stories had their own working titles. THE MYSTERIOUS PLANET, MINDWARP, TERROR OF THE VERVOIDS and THE ULTIMATE FOE. And most fans treat this season in the same way. They just don’t think of it as being one long story... (Later, the Doctor walks across a beach to where Peri is tied down on some rocks...) Doctor: Don’t worry... As soon as I’ve got your chains undone, you’ll be free from your state of bondage... Peri: Well, it’s about bloody time! What the hell took you so long to get here? I’ve been stuck out here on these damn rocks in the hot sun for ages! Doctor: Hmm... I wonder how long it is until high tide... You know, the last time I had a companion who bitched as much as you do, he ended up getting stuck on a space freighter full of Cybermen. Then it was turned into a flying bomb. Then it was smashed into the planet Earth... Peri: Well, I don’t see any Cybermen around. You know, you possess a mind that’s not merely twisted, but is actually warped. Doctor: It’s funny that you should speak a sentence that contains the two words “Mind” and “Warped”. You see, I’ve been thinking of doing something very special for you in your last story. How do you feel about going bald and having someone else's brain stuck in your head? Peri: So, you plan to let a mad scientist change me into a Mentor with a taste for seafood? Well, SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH... Maxil: And I always thought I was the evil twin... Author: I’m afraid you’ll have to leave it there for now. We’ve just run out of time once more. To be continued...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:20:20 GMT
THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD: TERROR OF THE VERVOIDS
(Mel stands at the control console, watching the Doctor, who is busy at work on an exercise bike...) Mel: That’s it, Doctor! Keep up the good work. You’ll be fighting fit in no time at all! Doctor: Shut up! Just go away and let me die in peace... But just who the bloody hell are you?! Mel: I’m your new companion! My name is Mel Bush. But I’m no relation to George Herbert Walker Bush or George Walker Bush. I come from Pease Pottage... Doctor: Lucky for you. Now why don’t you Pease off! And stop giving me carrot juice! I don’t want to end up looking like a bloody carrot - like you do! (Later, the Doctor and Mel come out of their time craft and find that they are in the reception area of the luxury space liner Hyperion III...) Mel: Wow, Doctor! Just look at all these strange plant creatures... Can you believe it? It’s irrefutable proof of alien life at last! Doctor: Mel, those are just pot plants. The same type of pot plants you would find in the reception area of any posh hotel or cruise ship - or space liner for that matter. Mel: Oh... Well, I guess I get proof of the existence of aliens just about every time we land somewhere. Doctor: Yes, you do. In fact, in case you haven’t noticed, you're talking to one right now, you ginger twat! And you can take that either way you want. Mel: Oh yeah... Good point. So, are you going to fill me in on what’s been going on so far with THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD? Doctor: The DOCTOR WHO TV show is at present on trial for its very existence at the BBC. So it was felt it would be a good idea to have a story which reflects this fact. Hence we are making a story about THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD - me! And this is an important story that might have some sort of affect on the future of DOCTOR WHO. Therefore, it was decided I should do battle with THE ULTIMATE FOE! A foe from my past, my present and my future! A foe so evil and vile, the TV viewers at home will wonder how I could ever hope to find a way to beat it. THE ULTIMATE FOE for all time! Mel: Wow! That sounds really cool! Let’s just hope all the TV viewers think so too. Master: I must say that I’m quite impressed by the sound of this foe too... By the way, it’s not me, is it? Doctor: Well done! You’re quite right! Master: Wow... I am, am I? Doctor: Yes... It’s not you. Master: You smug bastard! So, if it’s not me, then just who is THE ULTIMATE FOE for all time? Doctor: I should make you wait until the next skit to find out... But since you asked so nicely, THE ULTIMATE FOE is - Author: I’m afraid you’ll have to leave it there for now. We’ve just run out of time once more... Master: Oh bollocks! I hate it when that happens! Author: To be concluded...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:20:36 GMT
THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD: THE ULTIMATE FOE
Inquisitor: The Doctor has been put on trial for his very existence. His future lives and whatever may befall him in that future depends solely upon him. Glitz: So let me see if I’ve got this straight... If he wins, he gets stuck with Mel for at least one more year. But if he loses, he gets the sack and THE NEXT DOCTOR gets stuck with Mel instead of him... Is that about right? Inquisitor: Ah... Yes. That about sums it all up nicely, Glitz. Um... He’s just going to give in and plead guilty, isn’t he? Glitz: You can bet your arse he is! He’s thinking the sooner this mess is all over and done with, the better. It’s bad enough that he has to sit down and watch all his own adventures for the next fourteen episodes... But if you think he’s willing to stick around for a minute longer, then you’re nuts! (Later, the Master and the Valeyard chat about the status quo at the end of THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD...) Master: Damn! The plan to destroy the Doctor has failed - yet again! None of the plots that were tried managed to work. Your bid to turn the study of the Doctor’s affairs into a full and proper trial didn’t work out. Nor did your bid to implicate him in the Ravolox affair. And that business with the Mentors where you tried to make him look like an evil bastard didn’t work out either. Valeyard: I know. But that’s hardly surprising. Colin Baker’s already an evil bastard. Master: Fair point. But it didn’t work when you blamed him for messing with natural evolution. Or when you made all of those changes to THE MATRIX recordings. And the charge of genocide you made against him for killing the Vervoids didn’t stick either. Valeyard: True... But you couldn’t get rid of him in THE MATRIX either. Master: Let’s not change the subject here! The important thing to remember is that your MAZER device failed! But... I have a cunning backup plan. Valeyard: Oh no... Not another one! You’ve had plenty of them in THE KEEPER OF TRAKEN, LOGOPOLIS, CASTROVALVA, TIME-FLIGHT, THE KING’S DEMONS, THE FIVE DOCTORS, PLANET OF FIRE and THE MARK OF THE RANI. But none of those backup plans worked out either. Master: Ah... But this plan cannot fail! Trust me! Although there has been a consistent flaw in all our plans up till now. They’ve been utter bollocks... Valeyard: I’ve heard that before. But I’ll give you one more go. And I know I’ll regret asking this, but just what is your latest cunning backup plan? Master: I’m going to ring up Michael Grade and ask for his help in getting rid of the Doctor. Or at least this incarnation of him... Valeyard: Why bother? The eighteen-month hiatus never worked. Why would he be able to do any better this time round? Master: This time, I’m going to get him to go all the way... I’ll get him to sack Colin Baker! Valeyard: That’s great! Now why didn’t I think of that? Oh... Hang on. I seem to recall him saying that he mustn’t be seen to act in such matters... Master: No. You’re thinking of the Black Guardian, not Michael Grade. Hmm... The Black Guardian... Michael Grade... Is there a difference? Neo: Oh yeah... Michael Grade is much more powerful and wicked! And who just mentioned THE MATRIX?
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:21:03 GMT
TIME AND THE RANI
Mel: Doctor! I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve suddenly got a very bad feeling. It’s as if someone has just walked over my grave. Or maybe it was your grave... I don’t know. But I do know there’s something very wrong. And it’s somewhere very near to us and I’m not very happy about it at all... Doctor 06: Oh, Mel! What utter nonsense! And it’s so too bloody vague as to be of no help to me in any way whatsoever. But I'm on the best of terms with everyone I know. Both in front of the camera and behind it. So, who would want to do me any harm? I am the Doctor, whether they like it or not! (The TARDIS lurches wildly out of control, throwing both of them to the floor, where Doctor 06 starts to regenerate into Doctor 07...) Mel: Doctor! What’s happening? What went wrong? Did you press the wrong button again by mistake? Doctor 06: No… Oh bollocks! We’re under attack from the Rani! Me and my big fat mouth! Argh…! (The TARDIS starts to settle down and finally lands on the planet Lakertya, while the regeneration ends at last and Doctor 07 sits up...) Mel: Doctor! Oh, my JN-T! You’ve changed! You’ve grown smaller... I mean, I’ve heard of shrinkage, but that’s just plain wrong... Doctor 07: Yes! The Rani’s attack on the TARDIS sent it out of control and forced me to change! Mel: That’s odd... I thought you changed due to Colin Baker being sacked. But she shot down the TARDIS as one would any old passing spaceship. We were in the middle of the vortex of space and time! So just how the hell did the Rani manage to shoot us down with a hand-held gun? Doctor 07: Er... Well, if you really must know, Mel, the Rani was using a highly complex and technically advanced piece of equipment. Mel: Yeah... Right. Do I really look that stupid to you? Er... On second thoughts, don’t answer that. The Rani was using a cheap and tacky BBC prop! Doctor 07: Good point. But the Rani did have help with her scheme from a higher power. Mel: She did, did she? From who? Davros? The Master? The Valeyard? The Time Lords? The Black Guardian? Was it one of them? Doctor 07: Er... No. It wasn’t one of THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Well, not quite. It was a foe who is far more forceful and evil... Mel: Wow! This foe sounds really dark and dangerous... Who is it? Doctor 07: Michael Grade! Every man has his prick... Rani: Of course, Doctor! I have planned for this moment for years! And to make sure my plan was a success, I paid for the help of the very best! Mel: You planned this for years? To shoot the TARDIS down with a cheap and tacky BBC prop? And you used Tetraps? Creatures with eyes in the front, sides and back of their heads, but who still have to turn around when looking for something? You don’t put much thought into your plans, do you? (Later, an annoyed Rani waits inside the TARDIS, while Doctor 07 spends some time picking out a new costume for his latest incarnation...) Doctor 07: Thank goodness in this regeneration I've regained my impeccable sense of haute couture! Just look at all the chic choices I’ve made... A cool umbrella. A hip hat. A smart scarf. A snazzy jumper. A stylish coat. A trendy pair of pants... Oops! I knew I’d forgotten something. I'll be back in a moment...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:21:19 GMT
PARADISE TOWERS
(Doctor 07 meets with a group of red Kangs, to try and figure out what is going on…) Fire Escape: Red Kang eye-spy says we can’t go through usual carrydor. Blue Kangs out and lurking. Bin Liner: And the yellow? Fire Escape: No yellows. All unalive. Doctor 07: What the hell are you talking about? I can’t comprehend a single word you’re saying! But actions speak louder than words - unless you shout. Bin Liner: Hail Pex. Hail the unalive who gave his life for the Tower. In life, he was not a Kang, but in death, he was brave and bold as a Kang should be. Doctor 07: What language are you speaking? And what happened to BBC English? Oh well... Garbage in, garbage out in JN-T’s era. Hmm... Doctor 06: If you think you’re having trouble grasping what’s being said now, just wait until DOCTOR WHO is Americanized! Peri: Why should that be a problem? I never had any trouble understanding an American accent. Doctor 06: No... You just had trouble speaking in one... Peri: Oh yeah? Well, if that was so and I was no good at speaking in a false American accent, then why did JN-T hire me? Doctor 07: Oh... I can see why you were hired. I just hope they’re not false too! But never look a gift horse in the mouth in THE MYTH MAKERS. Hmm... Peri: Why does everyone pay more attention to my boobs than to me? By the way, if Mel’s swimsuit was any skimpier, you really would see Mel’s bush! Mel: I know... But what about your bikini? And don’t knock your knockers... At least you’ve got a pair, you American tart! My chest’s as flat as Kansas! Doctor 07: At least they don’t need acting lessons! But it’s never too late to learn - unless you’re playing RUSSIAN ROULETTE. Basil: Ah... Hello, Doctor. How are you? Oh sorry, nearly forgot - Basil Fawlty. Welcome to FAWLTY TOWERS. Doctor 07: Didn’t we once meet in a Parisian art gallery? But this is not FAWLTY TOWERS. I think there’s been some sort of mix up. I don't believe this! Basil: I don't, either. Maybe it's a dream... Nope! It's not a dream. We're stuck with it. Why? Are you new at this? Doctor 07: Well, since you asked, this is just my second TV story as the Doctor. But what did you think of my first outing, in TIME AND THE RANI? Basil: Well, how can I put this diplomatically...? If it had been reduced to three parts and if I had been lucky enough to have had a prefrontal lobotomy performed on me, I might have found it to be a harmless fantasy escapade. But sadly, this was not the case... (Later, Doctor 07 is having trouble getting the TARDIS to work properly...) Doctor 07: Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! One... Two... Three! Right! That's it! I've had enough of this! You've tried it on once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:21:35 GMT
DELTA AND THE BANNERMEN
(Doctor 07 and Burton have a chat about the state of affairs in his office at Shangri-La - a holiday camp in Wales in 1959...) Burton: So, you’re trying to tell me that you’re not the Happy Hearts Holiday Club from Bolton? Is that right? Doctor 07: Er... Yes. That’s right. We’re not. You can't judge a book by its cover - if you’re illiterate... Burton: But instead, you’re trying to tell me that you’re a group of spacemen in fear of an attack from another group of spacemen? Is that right? Doctor 07: Er... Yes. That’s right. We are. And we desperately need your help! And a friend in need is a pain in the arse indeed... Burton: Yes, I’d figured that part out already, boyo. But it’s quite obvious to me that you need help from someone. Probably a psychiatrist... Doctor 07: Ah... That’s not quite the help I had in mind... You’re not just taking the piss, are you? Will you help us? Burton: Well, they say you should humour a madman... And God knows I could do with a good laugh. So, what do you want me to do, boyo? Doctor 07: Can you help us to fight off the space monsters that are after us? A Doctor a day should keep the bad guys away - but you never know... Burton: The space monsters? Are you talking about that group of guys who look just like average, normal men dressed in black clothes? Doctor 07: Ah... Yes. That’s exactly who I’m talking about. You see, those guys are really a group of... You don’t believe a word I’m saying, do you? Burton: Not really. Unless you can actually prove to me that those guys really are a group of vile space monsters? Mel: Hi there, Mister Burton! I just love your holiday camp... Burton: Argh…! It’s a space monster! All right! All right! I believe you! Mel: Hey! Stop that! Stop pointing at me! I’m not a space monster! Doctor 08: I heard someone mention space monsters. I’ve had some experience in dealing with them. I was in ALIEN³. Argh…! It’s a space monster! Mel: Hey! Stop that! Stop pointing at me! I’m not a space monster! Doctor 07: Hmm... Is it just me, or is there a pattern starting to form here? I mean, it could be my imagination, but I get the distinct feeling that it’s not... Burton: Trust me, boyo - it’s not your imagination! We both need to go see a psychiatrist... Doctor 07: No, I didn’t think it was. And just what the hell are you doing here, George? Doctor 08: Hey! Do you mind? I still don’t think I like the sound of that... And just what do you mean by that? Why do you call me George? Doctor 07: Because you’re the George Lazenby of DOCTOR WHO! You only get to do one TV story... Doctor 08: Ah... I see. Okay... Now I know for sure I don’t like it. So stop it! Doctor 07: Hey! Don’t blame me for all your troubles! It serves you right for being the George Lazenby of DOCTOR WHO! Doctor 08: Hey! I told you to stop it! I told you I don’t like it! Especially when it’s being said by one of the seven dwarfs!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:21:54 GMT
DRAGONFIRE
Ace: So, Professor... Would you mind telling me again just what we’re doing hiding down here in these ice tunnels? It’s bloody freezing down here! Doctor 07: This place is called Iceworld for a reason. But we’re hiding down here from CITIZEN KANE... Er... Kane. I need to think of a way to beat him. Ace: Fair enough. But what about that alien xenomorph that’s supposed to live down here in these ice tunnels? If we run into it, we’re screwed... Doctor 07: Well, if you must know, I was hoping to get rid of Mel as well. So, if you happen to see it, let me know... Ace: Fair enough. I’ll let you know if I spot that alien xenomorph... Hey! Look out! There it is now! Mel: Hey! Stop that! Stop pointing at me! Doctor 08: Can I be of any help? I heard someone mention an alien xenomorph. I’ve had some experience in dealing with them. I was in ALIEN³. Doctor 07: So what, George? What do you plan to do? Shave your head, sit in a corner and dribble with fear like an idiot the moment that alien xenomorph shows up? Many hands might make GHOST LIGHT work, but you’re just excess baggage! And is anyone else suffering from déjà vu...? Doctor 08: Hey! Don’t call me George! I don’t like it! I just thought I could be of some help with the alien xenomorph... Hey! Look out! There it is now! Mel: Hey! Stop that! Stop pointing at me! Ripley: Did someone mention an alien xenomorph? Hey... Is that Golic standing over there? You’d better watch him... He’s crazy and he smells bad too. Doctor 07: Oh yeah. I can believe that. There's a black sheep in every flock, so let’s get the flock out of here. Ripley: That sounds like a good plan to me. I see no reason to hang around and act like bait for that alien xenomorph... Hey! Look out! There it is now! Mel: Hey! Stop that! Stop pointing at me! Doctor 07: You know, I’m sure there’s a pattern starting to form here... (Later, Doctor 07, Ace and Mel are gathered together in the TARDIS, which sits in the trading post located on the dark side of the planet Svartos...) Mel: I think it’s time for me to go... Glitz said I could go with him in his new spaceship. But I can stay with you, if you want me to... Doctor: Yes, that's right... You're going. You've been gone for ages. You're already gone. You're still here. You've just arrived. I haven't even met you yet. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time... But think about me when you're living your life one day after another, all in a neat pattern. Think about the homeless traveller in his old police box, his days like crazy paving... Mel: On second thoughts, I’m outta here... Hey, Glitz, wait for me! Ace: Oi, Professor... Are you the same guy who plays John Rambo? No... I’m thinking of Sylvester Stallone. But I guess it’s an easy mistake to make... Doctor: Really? And why’s that? Ace: Well, you’re both pretty short. You’re both called Sylvester. And you’re both hard to understand when you speak...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:22:13 GMT
REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS
(The small, unmarked black van comes to a halt and the Doctor and Ace get out, to find they are in the junkyard at seventy-six Totters Lane, in London.) Ace: Oi, Professor... As we’re now caught up in the middle of the action, can you at least tell me one thing? What’s the name of this TV story? Doctor: Ah... Good question. You know, Ace, now you mention it, I can’t quite seem to remember... He that knows nothing is called JN-T. Ace: Are you having a William Hartnell moment? Well, I suppose you’re getting on in age. Do you at least know what we’re supposed to do while we’re here? Doctor: I’m sorry. But I’m more secretive now, so I can’t tell you. Due to the Cartmel Masterplan, I’ve become a more enigmatic and mysterious person. Ace: Oh great... At least let me do my job as assistant. I’m supposed to help make the plot clear to the TV viewers by asking you a lot of daft questions! Doctor: Good point... We’re here to stop either Dalek faction from getting the Hand of Omega. But the first step is always the hardest - for a Dalek... Ace: Not any more, it’s not! The Hand of Omega? What’s that? Is it anything like the hand of Michael Jackson? Doctor: Er... No. It’s a weapon of frightening power. It can be used to strike terror into the hearts of mere mortals or destroy the lives of countless innocents! Ace: So, it is just like the hand of Michael Jackson! Doctor: Hmm... On second thoughts, you might have a point there. But a Doctor a day keeps the paedophile away... Ace: And just why does this weapon have such an anthropomorphic name? Why’s it called the Hand of Omega? Doctor: What do you mean? Just what do you think it should have been called? The Left Testicle of Omega? That wouldn’t have sounded quite so impressive, now would it? Ace: Er... I guess not. And Mary Whitehouse would have had a fit... I hate to ask, but what happened to the rest of Omega? Doctor: He was sucked into a black hole. But he made it back into our universe again via the ARC OF INFINITY... Ace: Hmm... Most black holes I know of don’t suck, Professor. They blow. Oh, wait... I must be thinking of a butt-hole, not a black hole! Hang on... When I think of a butt-hole, I think of you... Doctor: You’ll end up as an Ace in the hole, if you don’t watch it! And if you want to know what type of hole, why don’t you try and guess... Ace: That’s okay, Professor. I think I know. By the way, why does the sign on the junkyard gate say, “I M Foreman”? Shouldn’t it say, “I M Foreman”? Doctor: Shut up! Your job is to help make the plot clear to the TV viewers, not point out continuity errors to them! Now how about helping me to keep the Brigadier... Er... The Group Captain and his men out of harm’s way. Then I can continue with my complex and convoluted scheme to defeat the Daleks! Ace: You had me worried there for a moment. I thought the Brigadier doesn’t appear until next year. I wish Bernard was here. Maybe he could help us... Quatermass: No. The British Rocket Group has its own problems. But we might manage another cameo mention in THE CHRISTMAS INVASION. Doctor: I’ll believe that when I see it. Because seeing is believing that your eyes work... Now, get back to your own franchise!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:22:33 GMT
THE HAPPINESS PATROL
(On the Earth colony world Terra Alpha, Doctor 07 chats with two snipers on a rooftop...) 01 Sniper: Get back. Or he'll use the gun. He'll kill you. Doctor 07: Yes... I imagine he will. That's what guns are for. Pull a trigger. End a life. Simple, isn't it? You like guns, don't you? 02 Sniper: This is a specialized weapon. It's designed for roof duty. Designed for long range. I've never used one up close before. Stay where you are. Doctor 07: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? Prevention is better than cure, so wear a Kevlar vest... But you're the one with the gun. And you like guns, don't you? Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye. Pull the trigger. End my life. 02 Sniper: No. I can’t... Why don’t you carry a gun? Doctor 07: The bang scares me... (Later, Doctor 07 and Ace stand next to the TARDIS, which they have just painted blue once again…) Ace: Well, Professor... At least you got out of that sticky situation with the Kandy Man. Doctor 07: You just had to say that, didn’t you? You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? Anyway... Be careful, Ace... The paint’s still wet. (Ace reaches out, touches the side of the TARDIS and gets wet blue paint on her fingers…) Ace: Eew! You’re right! It is still wet! Doctor 07: Well, I just told you it was! Why is it you’ll believe me when I say there are four billion stars in this galaxy, but you still have to check it out when I say the paint’s wet? That’s such a bloody stupid thing to do! You should have more faith in me. Faith will move mountains - but nitro-9 is quicker. Ace: And your point is...? Oh... I don’t know. I guess it’s just the way we Humans are, Professor. There’s no point in complaining about it, because there’s nothing you can do about it…So stop being such a killjoy! Doctor 07: Oh, my JN-T... You’re right! There is no point. No matter where or when I go... No matter how many bad guys I defeat... No matter what I do to make the universe a better place... There’s absolutely nothing I can do to change the way Humans behave. It all seems so pointless! I feel so... I don’t know. Unhappy... Ace: Are you trying to tell me that there ever was a point to all of this? But yeah... That sounds pretty much it to me. Doctor 07: I might as well shoot myself and get it over and done with! Doctor 08: Is that what it’d take to make you happy? Because it can be arranged... Doctor 07: I want to make you very, very unhappy. And wait your bloody turn, George! Hmm... With you around, I need a good bodyguard... Doctor 08: No... You need a good body. And stop calling me George! Doctor 07: Meh... Do I look like I care?
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:23:05 GMT
SILVER NEMESIS
(Ace is having a bit of a rest, when the Cyber Leader promptly comes out of nowhere and aims his Cyber gun at her...) Cyber Leader: Delete! Delete! Delete! Maximum deletion! Ace: What do you mean by that? You can’t use that catch phrase yet. It’s not given to you until RISE OF THE CYBERMEN. Cyber Leader: I was not using a catch phrase. I was just giving advice on what should be done with this TV story. Ace: Oh... In that case, good call. (Two more Cybermen promptly come out of nowhere and surround Ace...) Cyber Leader: You are surrounded! You are helpless! You will give in to us! Ace: Why should I do that? Cyber Leader: We are your superiors! We are the Cybermen! We are destined to rule the galaxy! 01 Cyberman: Caution is advised, Leader. Cyber Leader: Why? Does she have a gravitational weapon? Or a radiation weapon she can use on us? 02 Cyberman: No, Leader. Cyber Leader: Does she have an emotional impulse weapon? Or a glitter gun she can use on us? 02 Cyberman: No, Leader. Cyber Leader: Does she have a Cyber gun? Or even a standard Human gun? 02 Cyberman: No, Leader. Cyber Leader: Then why do you advise caution? 01 Cyberman: She has a slingshot, Leader! Cyber Leader: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! Maximum retreat! (The three Cybermen make a swift exit…) Ace: That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. They seem to have an inferiority complex. But it’s fully justified! Picard: Where is Shinzon? Ace: I think you’re lost. You’re in the wrong franchise. This is SILVER NEMESIS. Not STAR TREK: NEMESIS. Picard: Oops... My bad! I’m sorry to have disturbed you. I’ll leave now. Ace: Make it so. And I was sure THE CHAMPIONS would show up...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:23:27 GMT
THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE GALAXY
Ace: Oi, Professor... I could be wrong, but isn’t this story supposed to be set before SILVER NEMESIS? Because I seem to recall I was wearing an earring in SILVER NEMESIS that I’m not supposed to receive until this story. Doctor: Well, that’s true. But if you hadn’t mentioned that fact, most of the TV viewers at home would never have even noticed. And there could be many reasons to explain why we appear to be doing things in the wrong order... Ace: That’s utter bollocks, Professor! You know just as well as I do how compulsively obsessive those DOCTOR WHO fan boys can be. Dressed in their Tom Baker scarves, wearing their Peter Davison celery sticks, carrying on with their sonic screwdrivers... That pack of nerds would have noticed straight away! But would you care to expand on those many reasons you mentioned before? Doctor: Hmm... You’ve got a point there about those DOCTOR WHO fan boys. Well, the TARDIS might have jumped a Time Track and arrived in its own future. Or someone might have used the Time Scoop to remove us from our normal time streams and deposit us here. Or there might be a slight disturbance in the Web of Time that has caused a temporal anomaly... Ace: Yeah. Arguing over who the most popular Doctor is... Or whether or not the Doctor is half-Human... Or whether the new DOCTOR WHO series began with series one or season twenty-seven… And do you honestly expect me to believe any of those lame reasons you’ve just given me? Doctor: No, not really. And now that you mention it, all of that does sound somewhat familiar... Ace: I know! And going to a DOCTOR WHO convention is like feeding time for the monkeys at the zoo! Doctor: Yeah! If you throw them a morsel of information about something, they gobble it all up, digest it, analyse it, crap out the results in their hand and throw it back at you in the form of more bloody questions that you’ve got to answer! Ace: Yeah... And you just know they’ll be using the title of this story every single time they describe DOCTOR WHO to a normal member of the public for the next twenty years. And who knows how many DOCTOR WHO websites will be named after it... Doctor: Hmm... Now there’s a depressing thought. But what a shame it is for them that this story is going to be such a load of crap. Ace: How do you know? Did you read the script? Hah! That’ll stuff up those nerdy bloody fan boys! But those Gods of Ragnarök did sound a bit lame... Doctor: Yeah... And what’s with them sitting in that Psychic Circus, watching one crap act after another? If you ask me, THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY. (Later, on the planet Segonax, the Doctor and Ace stand outside a large circus tent, discussing whether or not they should enter it...) Doctor: Hmm... This seems like a very dangerous state of affairs. It could be quite hazardous inside that circus tent. Possibly fatal... Ace: Yeah. There must be at least a dozen different ways that we could get killed in there! Doctor: Oh... If that’s the case, then our course of action is clear. You go first...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:23:42 GMT
BATTLEFIELD
(After making it through a helicopter crash in one piece, the Brigadier walks down a quiet country lane, which leads past a small village church...) Morgaine: Hi there, Bret! Er... Brigadier. Long time no see. Lethbridge-Stewart: I’m sorry... Do I know you? No... Don’t tell me. I’m sure I’ll guess who you are in a moment or two... Morgaine: What? Don’t you know who I am? Oh... I am upset. The last time we both appeared in DOCTOR WHO at the same time, the Doctor was a forgetful, incoherent and incontinent old fool. He was never able to recall his lines, his companions’ names - or even his own name... Bret: What? I didn’t think your ex - Jon Pertwee - was that bad. Oh... Hang on. Now I know who you are. Yes... I remember you well. You heartless hag! Morgaine: Heartless bitch? Oh yeah... Oops! I’d forgotten that part. So you do know who I am. Well, I must say that you do look in pretty good shape for a corpse. So you’ve obviously got over that little mishap we had... Bret: Mishap?! You shot me dead! You shot me down in COLD BLOOD! But yes... I’m feeling fine now. No thanks to you, you psycho bitch! Sara: This is just one role I played in one TV story. I’m more than just a stone cold killer, you know. Once upon a time, I was even a Princess... Joanna: My brother was King Richard. I called him Dick for short. Then a strange man with big teeth and curly hair came from nowhere and killed him! Bret: At least that makes a change from you killing your brother! Whenever you show up, I get a sudden urge to take out life insurance... Joanna: I’m sorry... Have we met? Do I know you? Bret: You will, you callous, cold, cruel cow. You will... And I’m your brother! I’m Bret Vyon! Or at least I was in THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN. Sara: You’ve got the right actor, but the wrong character. I’m the callous, cold, cruel cow. And you were my brother in THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN. Bret: All right... Now I’m starting to get confused. Lethbridge-Stewart: Oh... There’s nothing to it, old chap. It’s just a case of matching the right actor with the right character in the right story. I was you and you will be me... And before she was Morgaine, she was your sister, Sara. And before she was your sister, she was King Richard’s sister, Joanna... Bret: Er... You’re not the Doctor in disguise by any chance? You sure sound like him. But what brings her here now? And whose sister is she this time? Morgaine: Oh... I’m just here to cause chaos, fear and suffering. So I’m just your average DOCTOR WHO bag guy. Or bad girl... Lethbridge-Stewart: Hmm... So you’re saying that you’re playing yet another evil bitch? The more things change, the more they stay the same... Morgaine: Hey! It was in the script! Haven’t you ever done anything dubious due to it being in the script? How about blowing up THE SILURIANS? Or how about being an evil coward in INFERNO? Or how about being a pompous git in every story you were in after TERROR OF THE AUTONS? Lethbridge-Stewart: No! Never! Um... On second thoughts, that is in fact quite a good point. But it wasn’t my fault! It was in the script! Morgaine: And that is my point exactly. Now, I hate to break up this SCHOOL REUNION, but do you mind if we get on with the rest of this story?
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:24:06 GMT
GHOST LIGHT
Ace: Oi, Professor... I could be wrong, but isn’t this story supposed to be set after THE CURSE OF FENRIC? I mean, at the end of that story, I’m sure I recall telling you all about the house in which we’re currently standing... That would explain why you brought me here for this story. Doctor 07: Well, that’s true. But there could be many reasons to explain why we appear to be doing things in the wrong order... Ace: Oh really? And would you care to expand on these many reasons just a bit more? Doctor 07: Well, the TARDIS might have jumped a Time Track and arrived in its own future. Or someone might have used the Time Scoop to remove us from our normal time streams and deposit us here. Or there might be a slight disturbance in the Web of Time that has caused a temporal anomaly... Ace: I see... And do you honestly expect me to believe any of these lame reasons you’ve given me - yet again? I didn’t believe them last time, did I? Doctor 07: True. All right, would you believe the production team has stuffed things up yet again by allowing the stories to be broadcast out of production order? Try to look on the bright side - just be sure to wear sunglasses. Ace: Yep! That sounds more like it! So, if this story is called GHOST LIGHT, then where are all the ghosts? Doctor 01: Eh? We’re right here, my child. And now it’s time for the story which will bring to a conclusion the overarching theme that was started in the last story - THE CURSE OF FENRIC. The story which will now be broadcast... Er... After this one. Hmm... Doctor 02: Yes indeed! Well, that’s time travel for you. But I’m here, I’m ready and I’m waiting... So bring on GHOST LIGHT! Doctor (Richard Hurndall): And I’m ready too! We’re all here and we’re all ready for GHOST LIGHT. And as we’re all dead, we can be the ghosts! Doctor 01: And just who the hell do you think you are? Hmm? Doctor (Richard Hurndall): As it happens, I am the Doctor. The original, you might say! Doctor 01: Rubbish! Whatever else happens, I am the Doctor. Whether you like it or not! So get out of my franchise, you substandard substitute! Humph! Doctor (Richard Hurndall): Hey! It was not rubbish. I’ll have you know that line was the best thing I ever brought to DOCTOR WHO! Doctor 01: Oh... Is that a fact? Eh? And I should care about that because? Hmm? Doctor (Richard Hurndall): Um... Well, no reason really. I just thought you should know. Doctor 01: Bah! In that case, shut up, you imbecilic impostor! Humph! Doctor 02: So, can anyone tell me what GHOST LIGHT is all about? Doctor (Richard Hurndall): Yeah... Is it William Hartnell versus me? Or William Hartnell versus him? Or is it just William Hartnell versus everyone? Doctor 07: Um... I’m not sure the title GHOST LIGHT is supposed to refer to a couple of old actors who have all previously played... Oh, forget it. So, now I’m stuck with two number ones and a number two. Hmm... Pardon me for a moment. I think it’s time I answered a call of nature.
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:24:23 GMT
THE CURSE OF FENRIC
Doctor 05: Where’s the Malus? Is this the TV story set in a small village where a church gets blown up at the end of it? Doctor 03: Yes... And no. This is not that TV story. So there’s no Malus here. Unless you’re referring to the malice I feel towards you at this point in time. But I am worried. It seems as though every other TV story I’ve made has already been done... Or will be done again. It’s those damn recurring cycles... Doctor 05: Don’t be silly. I’m sure it’s just your imagination. Oh... Hi there, Brigadier! How have you been? Lethbridge-Stewart: Hi there, Doctor! It’s so good to see you again! Doctor 03: Huh? How the hell do you know my fifth incarnation, Brigadier? Have you been seeing other Doctors behind my back? Doctor 05: Now steady on there... I can assure you it’s not what you think it is. He and I met in a TV story where there were two Brigadiers... Doctor 03: What? I don’t recall seeing you in INFERNO. But tell me - in which one of the nine circles did the two of you happen to meet? Doctor 05: Hah! Trust me, Dante never wrote that crap. But I was referring to MAWDRYN UNDEAD. So stop being such a paranoid all the time! Doctor 03: What about the TV story with a monster in a church? Or the one where they hide in a church from monsters? Or the one where they hide in a church from flying monsters? Or the one where they fight a monster in a church? So I’m not a paranoid! There are recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO! Doctor 07: Why are the two of you here? Or do I mean the two of me? Neither of you belong in this era! This is my era! And this is not THE DÆMONS ! Or THE AWAKENING! Or FATHER’S DAY! Or THE LAZARUS EXPERIMENT! This is THE CURSE OF FENRIC! So piss off back to your own eras! Lethbridge-Stewart: Hi there, Doctor! It’s so good to see you again too! Doctor 07: Oh... Hi there, Brigadier. How have you been? And how’s your lovely wife, Doris? Doctor 03: What’s going on here, Brigadier? No... On second thoughts, I don’t want to hear any more of your lame excuses! Lethbridge-Stewart: Now, Doctor, don’t be like that. You know you weren’t my first Doctor. I’d already been with your second incarnation twice before we ever met. And I’m sure it’s just a quirk of fate that there are some common traits between all these TV stories... Doctor 03: You don’t have to remind me that I wasn’t your first Doctor! And I’m sure it’s just a quirk of fate that you’re all utter bastards! Master 01: So, is this the TV story where I get to pose as a vicar? Master 04: Huh? Just what do you think this is? THE VICAR OF DIBLEY? Why don’t you piss off back to your own era too! Master 01: Well, well, well... If it isn’t Anthony Anally. Master 04: That’s Anthony Ainley, you utter bastard! But you can’t talk - Rogered Dullard! Master 01: Touché, old chap! Well played! Ace: You’re both nuts! But it could be worse... At least neither of you is paranoid.
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