NFL - Why Your Team Sucks 2019

I had a horrifying realization last night... The Philadelphia Eagles are now the East Coast Chicago Bears. One Super Bowl win that we will not EVER shut up about? Yup. The chance to turn that lone Super Bowl into a dynasty we will inevitably blow? Yup. Fat, racist fanbase that loves low-grade meat and processed cheese? You betcha.

It’s truly chilling.

Unreal that the Colts have so many horrifying injuries when their owner has a stash of hyper-fentanyl stashed in his glove compartment at all hours. This wasn’t the only time the Colts had turned their franchise quarterback into a scavenger hunt for people willing to violate HIPAA laws, and apparently Luck had grown tired of it.

This will go down as a historic mishandling of a generational talent. The Colts lost Peyton Manning to neck herpes, went right into the tank, fell into Andrew Luck by sheer serendipity, and STILL managed to fuck it all up. In fact, the Colts suck so bad they brought poor Andrew Luck down to their level. It’s awful. It’s like watching a sequel to The Killing Fields.

Whenever Jerry dies (call it 2078), he’ll be heralded as a renegade with bold ideas and not what he actually was: a handsy hick who was only intriguing to beat writers when he was clearly shitfaced. That old-ass motherfucker doesn’t even do anything anymore. The Cowboys are essentially run by son Stephen Jones, who looks like a Congressman that got caught fucking a dog. Jerry’s just there to hog credit whenever something goes right and pull out his six-shooter when he’s displeased. He’s a fucking mascot. And so are the fans of this team. You’re all braindead clapbots with removable heads. It’s scary that there are so many of you. No, really. I look at the Cowboys and I realize that America is a lost cause.

Does anyone here think this will end well? Of course not. The Chiefs are just hoping to blow another AFC title before Hill gets accused of throwing a baby through a plate glass window. Tyreek Hill highlights are gonna be like replay reviews now: you’re gonna get very excited in the moment before you remember that everything sucks.

This is the organization that presided over the Jovan Belcher murder-suicide. Belcher shot himself in front of management in the team parking lot. And yet here we are now, seven years later, and they’ve learned exactly nothing since that awful day. Hand this team a million red flags and Reid will just throw them all on the field within the first five minutes of a half.

While the Saints and their fans spend the rest of eternity wallowing in their own victimhood, let’s quickly take note of all the ways New Orleans very much deserved to lose the NFC title to the Rams in January.

First of all, head coach and way-too-strict lifeguard Sean Payton called two pass plays when the clock was under two minutes and the Rams only had two timeouts left. The Saints were already in position to easily kick the winning field goal at that point, but Payton elected to gift the Rams extra time on the back end so that he could go try on Affliction shirts after losing or something.

Secondly, that pass should have been picked off by Nickell Robey-Coleman. Even Troy Aikman saw how bad the throw was.

Thirdly, these assholes only had home-field advantage for the NFC title game because they benefited from two awful, called pass interference penalties in Week 16 against the Steelers, and they still couldn’t hold onto a 13-0 lead there to get to the Super Bowl.

Fourthly, after the Saints still managed to take the lead despite all that, their shit defense let the Rams go 45 yards in less than 90 seconds to tie the title game and send it to overtime, which is how that now-infamous noncall on the ensuing drive ended up mattering at all.

Oh, and they didn’t bother to run the ball in overtime either. Payton called two straight passes. The second one was picked off, and you all deserve to live with what happened thereafter. Way to go, fuckbrains.