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Post by Nalkarj on Dec 15, 2017 1:20:46 GMT
There were once two very good friends, Tom and Bill. They’d been friends for years, and they originally met because they both loved baseball.
One day, Tom said to Bill, “Let’s make a deal, OK? Whoever is the first one of us to die has to come back and tell the other one if there’s baseball in heaven.”
Bill happily agreed.
Both lived to their late 90s when Tom suddenly fell deathly ill.
Bill came to visit him on his deathbed, and they reminisced about their long friendship. Soon, though, Tom heard the heavenly choir and passed on.
A few days later, Bill was sitting in his living room when he saw Tom’s spirit, surrounded by angelic light, coming down from heaven.
“Howdy, Bill. I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” he said.
“Well, happy to see you, Tom… What’s the good news?"
“Well, the good news is, there is baseball in heaven.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! But… Tom... What’s the bad news?”
“Well, the bad news is… You’re up to pitch tomorrow.”
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Post by Catman on Dec 15, 2017 2:26:26 GMT
One day a woman opened up her refrigerator to find a young squirrel sleeping on the top shelf.
"Hey, you!" she said loudly. "What are you doing sleeping in my refrigerator?"
The squirrel opened one eye and said, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the woman admitted.
The squirrel closed his eye and said, "Well, I'm westing."
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Post by koskiewicz on Dec 15, 2017 2:38:41 GMT
...what do you call a dog that has no hind legs and a pair of steel ball??? Sparky
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Deleted
Deleted Member
@Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2017 3:06:45 GMT
A man walks into an Ackbar....
Bartender says: It's a trap!
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 15, 2017 3:28:50 GMT
There were three men on a hill with their watches.
The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.
The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.
The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"
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Post by Nalkarj on Dec 15, 2017 13:50:44 GMT
One day, a Sunday-school teacher asked the class where they thought God lived.
One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. “I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is,” the girl replied.
“That's good!” said the teacher.
A little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.
“And where do you think God lives?” she asked.
Very piously, the boy answered, “God lives in our hearts!”
"That's very good.” The teacher smiled.
Then Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher asked, “And where do you think God lives, Johnny?”
“In my bathroom,” he said.
“In your bathroom?” she asked.
"Yes, because every morning my daddy beats on the bathroom door and screams, ‘GOD! ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?’”
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klandersen
Sophomore
@klandersen
Posts: 880
Likes: 344
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Post by klandersen on Dec 15, 2017 20:03:01 GMT
A dyslexic Irishman walks into a bra.
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Jokes
Dec 17, 2017 19:10:14 GMT
Post by koskiewicz on Dec 17, 2017 19:10:14 GMT
Why don't blondes use vibrators? It chips their teeth
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Jokes
Dec 17, 2017 19:54:34 GMT
Post by moviebuffbrad on Dec 17, 2017 19:54:34 GMT
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Jeremy Irons.
Jeremy Irons who?
Why would someone knocking at your door being ironing people? I should go...
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Post by Catman on Dec 17, 2017 19:58:58 GMT
Catman has a knock knock joke.
You start.
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 18, 2017 0:24:15 GMT
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 18, 2017 0:25:16 GMT
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 18, 2017 18:06:40 GMT
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 18, 2017 18:18:02 GMT
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 18, 2017 18:20:56 GMT
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 18, 2017 18:23:59 GMT
Hey, OP, sir, Nalkarj Before I go nutzoid here .. are cartoon jokes ok ? say yes say yes.
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 18, 2017 18:25:57 GMT
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Post by jervistetch on Dec 18, 2017 19:10:08 GMT
Two campers were startled awake one night by a bear attempting to get into their tent. Camper #1 jumped up and quickly started putting on his running shoes. Camper #2 said, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear." Camper #1 said, "I don't have to outrun a bear. I just have to outrun you."
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Post by Catman on Dec 18, 2017 19:24:16 GMT
Why do cats yowl in the basement? The acoustics are better.
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Jokes
Dec 18, 2017 20:59:22 GMT
via mobile
Post by Nalkarj on Dec 18, 2017 20:59:22 GMT
Hey, OP, sir, Nalkarj Before I go nutzoid here .. are cartoon jokes ok ? say yes say yes. Happy to tell you— yes! Just want to let everyone know I may not be able to post for a few days...Christmas and all that! My apologies about the survivor game... Dunno if anyone here wants to take my place or if we should hold off on it for a little bit... Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate) to everyone here!
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