soullimbo
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@soullimbo
Posts: 377
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Post by soullimbo on Jan 4, 2018 23:11:43 GMT
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball ? Gag
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Jan 5, 2018 1:51:56 GMT
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA?
"Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"
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ironjade
Sophomore
@ironjade
Posts: 183
Likes: 80
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Post by ironjade on Jan 5, 2018 15:12:50 GMT
A man is sitting in a pub when he notices his friend, whom he hadn't expected to see, walk in. "I didn't think you'd be in here tonight. Weren't to going to some disco or other?" "That was the idea but it didn't work out." "Why, what happened?" "Well it was all going fine at first, I was dancing with everyone else and having a good time." "And . .. ?" "When they played The Jump, I jumped. When they played The Twist, I twisted but when they played Come on Eileen, they threw me out!"
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shangel
Sophomore
@shangel
Posts: 301
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Jokes
Jan 5, 2018 19:06:56 GMT
via mobile
Post by shangel on Jan 5, 2018 19:06:56 GMT
How do you drown a dumb blond?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
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Post by Catman on Jan 5, 2018 19:15:47 GMT
A blonde walking across a freshly plowed field tripped and fell. She flailed about in a panic and screamed, "Help! Help! I'm drowning!"
Another blonde walking by yelled at her, "Stop that! You're making blondes look stupid! Now wait there while I find a rope to throw out to you!"
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ironjade
Sophomore
@ironjade
Posts: 183
Likes: 80
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2018 11:29:41 GMT
Post by ironjade on Jan 6, 2018 11:29:41 GMT
Sir Donald Wolfit was a famous British Shakespearean actor who took his theatre company on tour to the provinces in an effort to bring Shakespeare to the masses. After one play had ended its run he and his wife went on stage to announce their next production to the audience.
Wolfit: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that our next production will be Shakespeare's great tragedy "Othello, the Moor of Venice", in which I shall play the title role. My wife Rosalind, Lady Wolfit, will appear in the role of Desdemona. Heckler: "Your wife's an ugly old cow!" Wolfit: "Nevertheless . . . "
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Post by Catman on Jan 7, 2018 22:53:28 GMT
A woman answered her front door, and a vacuum cleaner salesman threw a huge bag of dirt on the carpet.
Before she could say anything, the salesman said brightly, "Not to worry ma'am! If this handy dandy new super vacuum can't clean up this mess, I'll eat every bit of it with this spoon!"
The woman motioned for him to come in and said, "I hope you're hungry. We don't have electricity."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2018 0:08:39 GMT
Sir Donald Wolfit was a famous British Shakespearean actor who took his theatre company on tour to the provinces in an effort to bring Shakespeare to the masses. After one play had ended its run he and his wife went on stage to announce their next production to the audience. Wolfit: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that our next production will be Shakespeare's great tragedy "Othello, the Moor of Venice", in which I shall play the title role. My wife Rosalind, Lady Wolfit, will appear in the role of Desdemona. Heckler: "Your wife's an ugly old cow!" Wolfit: "Nevertheless . . . " I don't get it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2018 0:13:07 GMT
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
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Post by deembastille on Jan 8, 2018 3:05:08 GMT
a couple went out to an upscale restaurant one night. during their dinner the wife commented on the fact that all the waiters had spoons sticking out of their top pockets and she asked one why.
waiter: 0h, we had an efficiency expert a little while ago and she said the most commonly dropped piece of silverware were spoons, so to keep things moving we always are to have a clean one in our top pockets.
sometime later the husband commented [accidentally] on the little string hanging out of the waiter's zippers in their pants. he asked another waiter why.
waiter 2: the efficiency expert noticed we spend too much time washing our hands when we use the bathroom so we tie a string to our thingies so when we have to go we can just pull on the string.
the husband thought for a second: but then how do you put it back in when you're done? you're still touching it, so you'd have to wash your hands afterwards.
waiter 2 leans in: to tell you the truth that's what i use the spoon for.
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Post by koskiewicz on Jan 8, 2018 3:48:29 GMT
"What is the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?"
On the Harley, the dirtbag rides on top...!!!
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Post by Admin on Jan 8, 2018 4:32:06 GMT
A guy walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.
Doc asked, "What's the problem?"
"Well, it all started with this bump on my ass..." said the frog.
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ironjade
Sophomore
@ironjade
Posts: 183
Likes: 80
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2018 11:02:34 GMT
Post by ironjade on Jan 8, 2018 11:02:34 GMT
Sir Donald Wolfit was a famous British Shakespearean actor who took his theatre company on tour to the provinces in an effort to bring Shakespeare to the masses. After one play had ended its run he and his wife went on stage to announce their next production to the audience. Wolfit: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that our next production will be Shakespeare's great tragedy "Othello, the Moor of Venice", in which I shall play the title role. My wife Rosalind, Lady Wolfit, will appear in the role of Desdemona. Heckler: "Your wife's an ugly old cow!" Wolfit: "Nevertheless . . . " I don't get it. Try swapping "Nevertheless" for "Even so".
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Post by koskiewicz on Jan 8, 2018 14:07:20 GMT
Why wasn't the toilet paper able to cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack...
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Post by mszanadu on Jan 8, 2018 17:43:34 GMT
I'm not very good at telling a joke or two here so I will pass this one along to " Bert & Uncle Albert " and they will say it with music and throw a couple of jokes in between there too . I Love To Laugh (Sing Along Song) - Mary Poppins The joke that wasn't shown here was my absolute favorite it goes like this - " I know a man that works at watch factory what does he do ? he stands around all day and makes faces " . Thanks so much Salzmank for this really fun subject post .
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Jan 8, 2018 17:50:23 GMT
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age. I said I was 87!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 2:56:18 GMT
A blonde was watching the Superbowl when the phone rang. It was her brother calling from London. "What time is it there?" she asked. "Midnight," he replied. "Oh, who won the Superbowl?" she replied.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 3:01:22 GMT
Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.
One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.
The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."
So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 3:03:15 GMT
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course."
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.
After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2018 12:08:20 GMT
Here is a joke for you
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