What movie did YOU just FINISH watching?

The only thing ‘Deathly’ about this movie is how slow it moves...like someone cast an ‘Arresto Momentum’/Slowing Charm.

This slog of a movie starts with the most ‘minimalist’ version of the HP theme yet, as we float through the rusted WB logo. At this rate, we won’t even hear the HP theme AT ALL in the final movie’s beginning. And while we’re at it, can we please put a moratorium on floating through company logos/film titles at the start of movies? It’s SO over-used. Bill Nighy close-up alert! He brings his own particular style of speaking to the opening scene, though not even he can make the scene particularly interesting. Surely Ralph Fiennes’ Voldemort will liven things up, right?! Not exactly.

Maybe the book moves at a similarly glacial pace, but not being a reader of the HP series, it came as quite a surprise to me that things seemed so dragged out, despite the fact that it was a scene full of villains! A big deal is made of Voldemort commandeering Lucius Malfoy’s wand...but non-book readers probably won’t get WHY so much time is devoted to seemingly very little happening onscreen. About the only thing of note is some Hogwarts teacher, who was apparently Snape’s ‘friend’, becoming snake chow (would’ve had more impact had it been a teacher we *knew*. I thought it was Trelawney for a minute).

It’s a relief to get to the main trio, and there’s a memorable scene featuring seven Harrys (thanks to Polyjuice Potion turning his friends into identical copies of him, though still with their own voices), but this attempt at creating decoys doesn’t work so well and they’re attacked, with casualties. Hedwig’s death upset me, while Mad-Eye’s offscreen demise (delivered flatly with one line by Ron’s heretofore unseen eldest brother, Bill, who’s shown up to marry Fleur Delacour from the 4th film) sadly lacked any impact for something that should’ve been pretty emotional.

Nighy’s Scrimgeour shows up to deliver the trio’s inheritance from Dumbledore’s will, allowing for a few callbacks to the early films. Instead of spending time with characters we actually KNOW at the wedding, we get a clunker of an info-dump from two characters we don’t know delivering exposition, grinding things to a halt, before picking up again with a Death Eater attack and the trio escape.

Things screech to a halt once more when there’s a needlessly convoluted plot involving what looks like Dobby the house-elf after he’s become old and crotchety (though that’s a different house-elf, actual Dobby *does* turn up), another Polyjuice escapade to get the real Horcrux locket from Umbridge at the Ministry (apparently the centaurs *didn’t* ‘take care’ of her like a half-horse Mafia in the 5th film, useless jerks. WHY couldn’t that pink b!tch have been one of the casualties in this film?!), and a case of mistaken identity over Ron’s assumed form (leading to awkward snogging).

Thankfully, we eventually move away from that messy situation and focus on the trio as they attempt to destroy the locket, which makes funny noises every time they zap it, with little success. Things then take a turn for the Lord of the Rings-esque when they alternate between who’s going to wear the Horcrux to keep it ‘safe’ (great idea...except for making those who wear it go all Frodo-wearing-the-One-Ring-style angry/paranoid, with Ron being the most susceptible, which leads to him looking like a homeless person and arguing with Harry/Hermione, who he thinks have been having late night rendezvous with each other, then abandoning them in a huff).

At this point it must be mentioned that all three main actors have come far with their characters in terms of development and performances. They’ve ‘matured’ a lot, and Rupert Grint shows he’s highly capable of portraying a weary, mad, downright unlikeable version of Ron who hits Harry where it hurts. Meanwhile, Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson prove what great chemistry they have by carrying a good percentage of the film on just their shoulders. A particular bright spot amongst all the doom/gloom is when Harry dances with Hermione to cheer her up. They’re just friends...but, oh, what might’ve been. A Potter gravesite visit and snake attack later, they figure out that Gryffindor sword from film #2 is the key and a mysterious doe Patronus the way to it in frozen pond, where Harry (naturally) goes near-nakedly swimming for it and consequently gets nearly choked by the locket...which shockingly doesn’t want him gaining the one thing that can kill it.

Ron finally returns to save the day and help destroy the Horcrux...but not before it is opened and unleashes his worst fears (which isn’t just spiders). If you wish to see creepy silver Harry and Hermione snogging seemingly naked together, then this is the movie for you! For the rest of us, it’s both an exciting AND CREEPY scene. It’s then determined that Luna’s dad is the person to go see. Unfortunately, Luna is nowhere to be found and her father proves much less interesting/entertaining than his daughter (though they both dance amusingly at weddings). He’s just a weirdo (and NOT the ‘fun’ variety). He does reveal, though the film’s title refers to three items – the Elder Wand, Resurrection Stone and Cloak of Invisibility. We learn the origins of these items via what I thought was one of the few stand-out moments from the movie: a story narrated by Hermione told through a beautifully animated sequence.

The film’s climax is where things get REALLY dark, with Bellatrix Lestrange torturing poor Hermione (it’s hard to listen to her screaming in pain, since we’ve gotten to know her/feel close to her character) and an unexpected death (though right before that is the funniest line the character who winds up dead has ever uttered). It’s all very depressing by the end. The movie obviously had a lot of ground to cover, but it felt like it kept stop-starting, almost causing whiplash. The film ends on more of a “That’s it??...Huh.” note than one leaving you anxiously awaiting Part 2 (which’ll hopefully be better).