I've thought a lot about suicide and near death experiences

I've thought a lot about suicide and near death experiences Sept 20, 2017 5:28:47 GMT theravenking, alittlebirdie, and 2 more like this

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Post by rachelcarson1953 on Sept 20, 2017 5:28:47 GMT

Sept 20, 2017 0:18:46 GMT @mellomoviereview said:

...lately.

Im not saying I'm going to kill myself or anything.

However, I've had a lot of passive thoughts about "what's the point?"

I see life for what it is. We live, we procreate, we die. So the next gen can do it again.

Whats my purpose or point? Why bother? What do I have to live for?

The near death experiences come in with me being curious about after life. If I knew I'd be okay would I just go there, would that change my mind about my purpose? Idk... I have insomnia and I lay in bed thinking about this a lot...

"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." Henry Miller

I had thought about this, what is the purpose, during an extended period of daily exhaustion. I felt like Sisyphus, condemned to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to reach the top and have it roll back down again. I was working at an awful job, the environment there was toxic. I had time only for the 'have to do' list and no time for the 'want to do' list.

I was fortunate, I found a way to quit the job yet still pay most of my living expenses; I became eligible to access my late husband's Social Security benefits. With small odd jobs, I can live a quiet life with my pets on my rural small farm, watching sunlight filter through autumn leaves, seeing the excitement of the birds when I fill their feeder in the winter, savor the scent of hyacinths in spring, and bottle feed abandoned baby kittens during the summer so they can find adoptive homes. Nothing is more heartwarming than watching tiny kittens drink formula from a bottle, so content to be eating that their tiny ears flap.

I don't know of any life beyond this one, so I found a way to live the life I do have by being aware of all the beauty around me, and trying to minimize the ugly parts. It is still something I have to consciously think about doing; life is always filled with trouble and it can be hard to find something good.