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Post by dirtypillows on Jun 25, 2019 14:10:24 GMT
Was it difficult to do this? Parents can intimidate us like nobody else. I have had to stand up to my parents, each exactly one time. My dad was being particularly difficult and I let him have it. I pretty much blew my stack and didn't back down. He knew he had it coming. Whenever I recall the particulars, I get nervous all over. Parents know this and they can use it to their advantage to make themselves feel better.
I stood up to my mother once, too. It was on the phone and she was being especially manipulative and I cussed her out and she responded with more crocodile tears. That's really what she has in her. Poor slob. We didn't talk for two months. Actually, now that I think about it, I stood up to her twice. I told her she was a classic narcissistic mother, all the signs were there. She said she was never going to speak to me again. I touched a nerve. It was quite gratifying to get that off my chest. The silent treatment lasted a week.
Some people out there will say that one's parents are sacred and these people usually will not budge on this regardless of circumstances. Mothers, in particular, are held as sacred. I am not a member of this camp. Stephen King once said that parents try to murder their own children. I totally get that. Parents can be nice and loving, but they can also be just terrible to their children. I know that parents are people, too. It's a fine line where to cut them some slack.
So if you ever had to let a parent finally have what was coming to to them, how did it go?
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Post by Toasted Cheese on Jun 25, 2019 15:13:55 GMT
Was it difficult to do this? Parents can intimidate us like nobody else. I have had to stand up to my parents, each exactly one time. My dad was being particularly difficult and I let him have it. I pretty much blew my stack and didn't back down. He knew he had it coming. Whenever I recall the particulars, I get nervous all over. Parents know this and they can use it to their advantage to make themselves feel better. I stood up to my mother once, too. It was on the phone and she was being especially manipulative and I cussed her out and she responded with more crocodile tears. That's really what she has in her. Poor slob. We didn't talk for two months. Actually, now that I think about it, I stood up to her twice. I told her she was a classic narcissistic mother, all the signs were there. She said she was never going to speak to me again. I touched a nerve. It was quite gratifying to get that off my chest. The silent treatment lasted a week. Some people out there will say that one's parents are sacred and these people usually will not budge on this regardless of circumstances. Mothers, in particular, are held as sacred. I am not a member of this camp. Stephen King once said that parents try to murder their own children. I totally get that. Parents can be nice and loving, but they can also be just terrible to their children. I know that parents are people, too. It's a fine line where to cut them some slack. So if you ever had to let a parent finally have what was coming to to them, how did it go? Yes, but due to their sensitivity, rigidity, control issues and also phony scenes of crocodile tears, they use that as a defense mechanism so I dare not push too hard, or wanted to push too hard because they weren't going to make it easy for me. It falls on deaf ears for the most part anyway. I could sense the invisible barrier shields come down right before me, but these walls were so transparent and I had it in my power to totally and utterly annihilate them, I was afraid of myself and took a more emphatic route.
I didn't see the point in tearing our family apart, when in a sense we were already apart by distance. I can't make them be something or understand something about themselves, that they are too fearful of seeing. That would have been way too cruel to push and besides, my father was already made aware of how I felt about them through a third party. The rest of that was a residue of resentment that got projected back at me. It is not as bad now. They are much older and not as strong, or perhaps care so much anymore anyway.
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Post by ant-mac on Jun 25, 2019 16:29:33 GMT
I stand over them all the time...
Although as they're both buried in the Rose Garden of the military section of the local cemetery, it's pretty easy.
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Post by rachelcarson1953 on Jun 25, 2019 16:48:22 GMT
"They mess you up, your Mom and Dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had,
and add some extra - just for you."
Philip Larkin
I've said more than enough on here about my mother. Confrontation gets me nothing but crocodile tears, so we passively/aggressively share barbs back and forth. It will end when she passes away. I hope I have come to terms with that.
I've had to confront myself; she trained me well to always be agreeable and compliant, and put everyone else's needs before my own, especially hers. I am still learning how to say "no" to unreasonable expectations and manipulations, from her and others. It's difficult to grow a backbone at my age, and the people around me have gotten used to me saying, "okay, whatever you need/want to do." Somehow, "no" doesn't register.
And, yes, the 'cult' of Motherhood is Sacred has done me no favors.
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Post by lenlenlen1 on Jun 25, 2019 18:50:04 GMT
I stand up to my parents ALL the time. You MUST. if you don't you will never grow up and become your own adult. You will always be under their thumb in some way.
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Post by Nora on Jun 25, 2019 19:01:20 GMT
I stand up to my parents ALL the time. You MUST. if you don't you will never grow up and become your own adult. You will always be under their thumb in some way. agree completely. i try to do that also (in a calm manner preferably) but in my case its paricularly difficult due to our family situation (they hold a bit more power over me which they shouldnt really), but I recognize how important it is to be able to stand up to them. and practice it and it gets better. would highly recommend it to people. |
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Post by dirtypillows on Jun 25, 2019 19:21:01 GMT
Was it difficult to do this? Parents can intimidate us like nobody else. I have had to stand up to my parents, each exactly one time. My dad was being particularly difficult and I let him have it. I pretty much blew my stack and didn't back down. He knew he had it coming. Whenever I recall the particulars, I get nervous all over. Parents know this and they can use it to their advantage to make themselves feel better. I stood up to my mother once, too. It was on the phone and she was being especially manipulative and I cussed her out and she responded with more crocodile tears. That's really what she has in her. Poor slob. We didn't talk for two months. Actually, now that I think about it, I stood up to her twice. I told her she was a classic narcissistic mother, all the signs were there. She said she was never going to speak to me again. I touched a nerve. It was quite gratifying to get that off my chest. The silent treatment lasted a week. Some people out there will say that one's parents are sacred and these people usually will not budge on this regardless of circumstances. Mothers, in particular, are held as sacred. I am not a member of this camp. Stephen King once said that parents try to murder their own children. I totally get that. Parents can be nice and loving, but they can also be just terrible to their children. I know that parents are people, too. It's a fine line where to cut them some slack. So if you ever had to let a parent finally have what was coming to to them, how did it go? Yes, but due to their sensitivity, rigidity, control issues and also phony scenes of crocodile tears, they use that as a defense mechanism so I dare not push too hard, or wanted to push too hard because they weren't going to make it easy for me. It falls on deaf ears for the most part anyway. I could sense the invisible barrier shields come down right before me, but these walls were so transparent and I had it in my power to totally and utterly annihilate them, I was afraid of myself and took a more emphatic route.
I didn't see the point in tearing our family apart, when in a sense we were already apart by distance. I can't make them be something or understand something about themselves, that they are too fearful of seeing. That would have been way too cruel to push and besides, my father was already made aware of how I felt about them through a third party. The rest of that was a residue of resentment that got projected back at me. It is not as bad now. They are much older and not as strong, or perhaps care so much anymore anyway.
I get this. Parents can be so manipulative and they practically dare you to defy them. It's exhausting and if they don't hear what you are saying, it is easy to feel like giving up. It was in Stephen King's book "Christine" where the main character says that what parents want is to murder their own children. I think that is an amazing insight. If you had gone ahead and devastated them with the truth, it would likely be hard to return to normal. It's a dilemma to ask yourself if it is worth it. The parent-child dynamic is the most complex and complicated dynamic we experience. Just look at my avatar as a prime example. Carrie finally stood up to her overbearing mother and look what happened. Crocodiles eat their young. My mother has some reptile blood in her. It is a terrible thing to behold. She has always put her own needs first. When I stood up to her, my dad did not back me up. It's hard to gauge progress. My mom was horrible to my sister. She still is.
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Post by dirtypillows on Jun 25, 2019 19:28:20 GMT
I stand up to my parents ALL the time. You MUST. if you don't you will never grow up and become your own adult. You will always be under their thumb in some way. agree completely. i try to do that also (in a calm manner preferably) but in my case its paricularly difficult due to our family situation (they hold a bit more power over me which they shouldnt really), but I recognize how important it is to be able to stand up to them. and practice it and it gets better. would highly recommend it to people. The last time I stood up to my parents is when I told them I voted for Obama. Yikes. They flipped out. I knew they were going to freak and they did. I so felt like I needed to tell them what they wanted to hear, which was to say I had voted Republican. They were baiting me on my politics, which I really don't have one way or the other but felt like I should probably vote. It was rather unsettling to feel that they were pressuring me to buckle and just say John McCain for their benefit. The fact that I had voted Democrat was less upsetting to my parents then the fact that I had informed them of doing so. They would rather be lied to and as they are in their mid 70s it is a hard choice to make. I was always the peacemaker in my family, so that was the way I managed.
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Post by dirtypillows on Jun 25, 2019 19:30:22 GMT
I stand up to my parents ALL the time. You MUST. if you don't you will never grow up and become your own adult. You will always be under their thumb in some way. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Can you provide some specific examples of how you stood up to them?
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Post by lenlenlen1 on Jun 25, 2019 19:47:13 GMT
I stand up to my parents ALL the time. You MUST. if you don't you will never grow up and become your own adult. You will always be under their thumb in some way. agree completely. i try to do that also (in a calm manner preferably) but in my case its paricularly difficult due to our family situation ( they hold a bit more power over me which they shouldnt really), but I recognize how important it is to be able to stand up to them. and practice it and it gets better. would highly recommend it to people. Let me guess? Money? As long as that's the case you have to eat some humble pie from time to time. Such is life.
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Post by lenlenlen1 on Jun 25, 2019 19:55:58 GMT
I stand up to my parents ALL the time. You MUST. if you don't you will never grow up and become your own adult. You will always be under their thumb in some way. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Can you provide some specific examples of how you stood up to them? 1) It could be better, but it could be far worse. The main problem is that they still don't see me as an adult and I don't know what more I can do to make that happen. Our relationship is stuck in an arrested state of development where I am still a kid in their eyes.
2) A specific recent example is them having problems with someone I dated. Quite frankly, they don't get an opinion in the matter. I'M the one who's going to do the dating, not them. I'd love it if they liked who I was dating, but if they don't "I love you, but too bad!"
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Post by Nora on Jun 25, 2019 20:02:52 GMT
agree completely. i try to do that also (in a calm manner preferably) but in my case its paricularly difficult due to our family situation ( they hold a bit more power over me which they shouldnt really), but I recognize how important it is to be able to stand up to them. and practice it and it gets better. would highly recommend it to people. Let me guess? Money? As long as that's the case you have to eat some humble pie from time to time. Such is life. no, money has nothing to do with it. |
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Post by dirtypillows on Jun 25, 2019 20:11:53 GMT
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Can you provide some specific examples of how you stood up to them? 1) It could be better, but it could be far worse. The main problem is that they still don't see me as an adult and I don't know what more I can do to make that happen. Our relationship is stuck in an arrested state of development where I am still a kid in their eyes.
2) A specific recent example is them having problems with someone I dated. Quite frankly, they don't get an opinion in the matter. I'M the one who's going to do the dating, not them. I'd love it if they liked who I was dating, but if they don't "I love you, but too bad!"
Parents who can't see their children as adults do not want to face the fact that they are aging themselves. It is a matter of degrees. It is nice and warm and touching for the parent to want to see their child as still a child, this is sweet and it is nice when there is some of this. However, parents also need to learn to let go. And this can be near impossible for some parents. Ideally it is the parents job to guide their child into becoming a mature, productive and happy adult. But it hardly ever works out that way. Good parenting is to draw a fine line. I personally cannot imagine being a parent. To be, more or less, responsible for a human being for 18 + years seems incredibly daunting. But most parents unload their own baggage onto their hapless child. If the child is able to break the cycle, then more power to him or her.
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Post by NewtJorden on Jun 25, 2019 20:32:54 GMT
Probably too many times.
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Post by mecano04 on Jun 25, 2019 21:35:52 GMT
I went to talk with my father and pretty much got him out of my life from that point on.
Last time I saw him was a few years ago at my brother's graduation ceremony otherwise we had no contact at all for 10 years and it still goes like that.
I did what was needed.
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Post by Toasted Cheese on Jun 25, 2019 22:55:32 GMT
I went to talk with my father and pretty much got him out of my life from that point on. Last time I saw him was a few years ago at my brother's graduation ceremony otherwise we had no contact at all for 10 years and it still goes like that. I did what was needed. I don't know of your situation, but for any kid to feel like they are better off without having one or both of their parents in their life, I see much of this about parents deliberately choosing to get offside of their children by wanting to exert control and influence over them in any way or means possible. If they can't, then they don't want really want a bar of them anyway. They would be the same with others as well, unless there is something they want from them. Or they pit their children against each other in terms of attention\affection.
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Post by Toasted Cheese on Jun 25, 2019 22:58:35 GMT
"They mess you up, your Mom and Dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra - just for you." Philip Larkin I've said more than enough on here about my mother. Confrontation gets me nothing but crocodile tears, so we passively/aggressively share barbs back and forth. It will end when she passes away. I hope I have come to terms with that. I've had to confront myself; she trained me well to always be agreeable and compliant, and put everyone else's needs before my own, especially hers. I am still learning how to say "no" to unreasonable expectations and manipulations, from her and others. It's difficult to grow a backbone at my age, and the people around me have gotten used to me saying, "okay, whatever you need/want to do." Somehow, "no" doesn't register. And, yes, the 'cult' of Motherhood is Sacred has done me no favors. Learning to say "no" to my parents was one of the most difficult hurdles for me to cross. Even if it was over something that might have appeared trivial, it was the control games and them wanting me to be compliant with them. How dare I defy them, they made me and I owe them..... 
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Post by kls on Jun 25, 2019 23:01:08 GMT
My sisters and I have made it known to our father if he isn't civil to our mother he won't be included in any family activity or event. I've told him "If only one of you can be around you know it's Mom we'd pick."
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Post by Toasted Cheese on Jun 25, 2019 23:05:18 GMT
Yes, but due to their sensitivity, rigidity, control issues and also phony scenes of crocodile tears, they use that as a defense mechanism so I dare not push too hard, or wanted to push too hard because they weren't going to make it easy for me. It falls on deaf ears for the most part anyway. I could sense the invisible barrier shields come down right before me, but these walls were so transparent and I had it in my power to totally and utterly annihilate them, I was afraid of myself and took a more emphatic route.
I didn't see the point in tearing our family apart, when in a sense we were already apart by distance. I can't make them be something or understand something about themselves, that they are too fearful of seeing. That would have been way too cruel to push and besides, my father was already made aware of how I felt about them through a third party. The rest of that was a residue of resentment that got projected back at me. It is not as bad now. They are much older and not as strong, or perhaps care so much anymore anyway.
I get this. Parents can be so manipulative and they practically dare you to defy them. It's exhausting and if they don't hear what you are saying, it is easy to feel like giving up. It was in Stephen King's book "Christine" where the main character says that what parents want is to murder their own children. I think that is an amazing insight. If you had gone ahead and devastated them with the truth, it would likely be hard to return to normal. It's a dilemma to ask yourself if it is worth it. The parent-child dynamic is the most complex and complicated dynamic we experience. Just look at my avatar as a prime example. Carrie finally stood up to her overbearing mother and look what happened. Crocodiles eat their young. My mother has some reptile blood in her. It is a terrible thing to behold. She has always put her own needs first. When I stood up to her, my dad did not back me up. It's hard to gauge progress. My mom was horrible to my sister. She still is. It wasn't worth it and as much as I can berate myself for not pushing it further, by that same token, why should I be hard on myself for taking the high road. They can deal and sort out their own stuff\issues, as I was dealing and confronting mine.
As a comment you have made in another post about grown up children, I was left pretty much floundering by the time I was 18 and confidence levels were quashed. It wasn't until I was 30 that I found a new lease on life and what I saw around me from parents and others as well, how they made every effort and attempt to keep me down as much as they could. I wasn't reacting to things in the same way I used to. I was starting to move on. One needs to pick and choose their battles though and sometimes humble pie was on the menu, even if I didn't like the bitter taste.
Has you sister stood up to your mother?
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Post by Toasted Cheese on Jun 25, 2019 23:10:09 GMT
My sisters and I have made it known to our father if he isn't civil to our mother he won't be included in any family activity or event. I've told him "If only one of you can be around you know it's Mom we'd pick." Are your parents separated k?
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