is Salzmank around?

Salzmank (a pseudonym for Charles K. Rockefeller-Vanderbilt III) was born on December 25, 1935, in a little town called Bethlehem. He was baptized a high-church Episcopalian on December 28 and admitted to Harvard University on the 30th. (The paperwork had gotten lost in the mail.)

Salzmank spent most of his infancy working on his memoirs. By the time he had learned how to talk, he had finished three volumes: The World Before Me, which traced the sad, sinful history of Planet Earth before his conception; The Seeds of Utopia, which outlined his effect on world events during the nine months of his gestation; and The Glorious Dawn, which described the profound ramifications of his birth on the social order.

Salzmank attended nursery school at the School of Soft Knocks, majoring in Art History. His thesis, “A Comparison of Michelangelo’s David and My Own,”  won the Arthur C. Clarke Award for Precocious Criticism and brought him to the attention of world luminaries.

His next bit of schooling was done at Exeter, where he majored in Pre-Harvard and minored in Pre-Yale.

Salzmank’s education was interrupted by World War II, during which he became the only six-year-old to fight in Guadalcanal and to land on the beaches of Normandy. Combat occupied much of his time during the period, but in between battles he was able to help out on the Manhattan Project, offer advice at Yalta, and design the Marshall Plan. His account of the war, Salzmank versus Germany, perched atop the New York Times Best Seller list for ten years.

Upon his return to Exeter, Salzmank found that schoolwork no longer challenged him. He transferred his energies to track, crew, polo, golf, tennis, mountain climbing, debate, stock brokerage, yachting, learning the world's languages, playing the piano, cello, violin, viola, viol, harp, and harpsichord, and—of course—writing his memoirs. His cousin, Percy Rockefeller-Vanderbilt IV, recalled, “Everybody liked Charlie at school. His ability to change water into wine added to his popularity.” 

The years at Exeter were followed, inevitably, by the Harvard years, during which he wrote God and Salzmank at Harvard, God and Salzmank at Home, and finally God and Salzmank at the Movies.

His extracurricular activities at Harvard included editing The Harvard Crimson, serving as president of the University, and chairing the committee to have Harvard moved from Cambridge to Mount Olympus. He also proved the existence of God by uttering the Cartesian formula “I think; therefore, I am.” 

During his time at Harvard, he purchased Yale University, which he also attended and from which he quickly received twelve honorary doctorates. He soon founded that well-known political journal What is Salzmank Doing Today?, followed by a literary magazine, Salzmank Reads the Classics. 

On the day of graduation from Yale, he married the pulchritudinous Miss Honoria Haight-Ashbury; on the day of his graduation from Harvard, he fathered a son and daughter (Honoria helped), named Harvard and Yale, respectively. 

As anyone who reads his IMDb v2.0 posts knows, life for Salzmank since then has been anything but dull. On any given morning he will consult with a handful of national leaders and the Pope, write another Dickens-length novel in the award-winning series Salzmank, Private Eye, chat with a bevy of Academy Award winners, write a few syndicated columns, and tape an edition of his TV show, Salzmank Talks to You! He also tames wild horses, smokes the finest Cuban cigars, drinks the finest champagne, wears the best clothes, chops down trees, plants new forests, saves the rainforest, cures all known diseases, descrambles top secret Russian spy transmissions, and knows how to make witty comebacks.