CORIONAVIRUS TESTING OPTIONS a user guide - UK options in

OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT ADVICE

1) Home testing - this is the one I did. You have to log onto a website and respond to lots of questions and if you get lucky you get a 10 digit number and the test kit arrives 2 days later. Then you have to find your nearest Priority/secure post box online and the collection times. Good luck with that one.You have to log onto another website (or was it the same?) to register which collection you are aiming for using your 10 digit number and an assortment of barcodes- then you have to take the test, make sense of the various barcodes, plastic bags, vials, and security labels and assemble your return box put the swab & other paraphernalia inside and task a friend to take the box to the priority post box in time for the collection. If you make that then in theory your result arrives by text 3 days later. I have heard you are supposed to do this 3-5 days in but as I was so delirious I didnt work out I had it til day 5 this could be a barrier. In theory the turnaround time from requesting the kit to reciving the result should be about 5 days assuming you can get your ducks in a row to surf the process. I'll let you know Friday if i get some white smoke. As I seem to have inadvertently used the white absorbent lint I was supposed to wrap my vial in as a shopping list I suspect they could notice this and decide that the test has not been conducted under strict medical conditions. I could well be told my test is invalid so I'd go back to GO and have to start all over again. I had to get a friend on the phone to do the website stuff fore me on his computer as I found it so confusing -  I shouted the detail on the required data to him (mY national insurance number, starsign, favourite beatles record etc ) and he typed it in and produced the 10 digit number and managed to distinguish a priority postbox from a regular one, the location of the nearest one, and the collection times. Basically I got to play Karen Black to his Charlton Heston, so at least I can tick that one off my bucket list.

2) Drive in testing - this is the one my dad did. He rang the 119 helpline (a misnomer if ever there was one) and he booked a test the next day, drove there, had his test and was told he'd get a phone call in a couple of days . 7 days later he is still waiting and he said he'll tell me if results arrive , In theory this one should take 4 days from initial request to result but clearly in practice it is 7 days and counting. He was told that the testers were a bit "overwhelmed " so I guess we have a backlog. Yu may need your NI number

3) Walk in testing - I tried this one 3 times and failed but I'm on a roll so I may try again tomorrow just for the pure joy of the experience. I like challenges. So you ring the same unhelpful helpline 119. If you get the Nazi called Sue with the Irish accent my strong advice is to hang up immediately and start again. She was the evil witch wilfully tormenting me when we got to the diversity questions. I couldn't understand her accent (and I'm usually good on Gaelic) so I just said "look you decide if I'm White UK or Scottish or Arabian, - surprise me ! and cut to the chase" but she wouldn't have it so I hung Up, Happy to report that Gurvinder and Barry were more helpful - Gurvinder was within seconds of giving me my appointment - Shangri La was almost within my grasp - when computer said no and I was asked to ring back the next day. I went through the same exercise with Barry and was cut off just the point I was about to get my testing date. This would seem to be the best option for those of you who enjoyed being teased. I'm imagining the same theoretical 4 day turnaround as the drive in but who knows? HAVE YOUR NATIONAL INSURANCE NUMBER READY

4) Mobile Testing Units - I believe these roam rural areas offering tests to sundry farmers and country wenches and assorted rural types but don't want to dig any deeper. I take the view that if you have all that space between yourself and all the other farmers in the country. plus all those sheep and cows and trees as a natural barrier to infection, and are less likely to contract it in the first place so you hicks will have to do the hard grind yourselves on that one. I've currently got enough on my plate trying to make sense of the testing offers in the Global Metroplis I'm lucky enough to live in.

I hope this has been helpful

Cynthia