The absent minded actor autobiography game=CONTINUING
Jan 1, 2021 4:13:27 GMT
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Post by drystyx on Jan 1, 2021 4:13:27 GMT
These actors wrote autobiographies that were unpublished, because they weren't really autobiographies.
You see, these actors got into their roles and forgot who they were in real life, so when they wrote their autobiographies, they wrote them for roles they played. For instance, George Lazenby swears he was a secret agent for her majesty's secret service in 1969.
They must have thought something was amiss, because many times they died, and then came back to life again, but this is how wrapped up they were in their roles.
So, this is their autobiographies. Can you guess who they really were, before they became so absent minded?
FINAL SCORES
Matt Garth 12
Bat out of Heck 11
Is a Pop 10
Tim's Hell Boy 6
Jervis Tech 1
SOLVED!!! 1. I began as a very peaceful man. In 1955, I finally killed a spider, and that really affected me, so I worked at driving cattle out West from 1959 to 1965, to get my head right. I made money in World War II in 1970, strange as that sounds. And I thought I better explain my income, so I joined the police force in 1971.
Law enforcement wasn't what I thought it would be, so I threw down my badge and went West again. I remember how in 1972 I was with some Mexican freedom fighters who were being picked off by a sniper, and I put together my own rifle and shot the sniper.
I must have gotten someone mad, because in 1973, some guys tried to hang me. After that, I did some more law enforcement, and beat some people up, and just did all kinds of stuff.
CLINT EASTWOOD-solved by Bat out of Heck
SOLVED!! 2. I'm proof of Evolution, in a big way. I wasn't always a human being. I remember quite distinctly, being an amphibious animal in 1933. I evolved, though. In 1940, I was already working for a newspaper. And in 1944, I learned I was adopted, so it's possible I wasn't an animal after all.
In 1957, I encountered difficulty in moving a big cannon around for some people. Somehow, I must have lost the cannon, because I remember in 1959, looking for something in a wide open space. I think there was a plane flying around, and I was standing on the side of a road, waiting for a bus, I think.
I guess the bus took me to some theater. I remember in 1963, that was the year I was studying on how trap doors in theaters worked.
I know some other autobiographer said he was in World War II in 1970. Well, I don't know if it was going on that long, but I was scouting for Japanese planes on an island in 1963, and some hot babe showed up and stole all my whiskey. So, I guess that may explain why I don't remember things too well, because in 1963 some hot babe stole all my whiskey, which might explain why I don't remember things too well, because in 1963, a hot babe stole all my whiskey, which may explain why I don't remember things too well, any more.
CARY GRANT solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 3. I'll have you know that the wild West isn't what you thought it would be. Why, in 1948, I was a doctor out West, and there was a maniac hanging men left and right, and he wound up burning down the whole town just to arrest his best friend. Well, I had enough of that.
In 1951, I was in charge of a way station for the stage, and some asshole killed me. I know that sounds "made up", but he did. I guess my old doctor days helped me back to health, cause in 1953 I was trying to settle down out West, and I was being forced off my land by another asshole, who hired another asshole to kill settlers.
Well, I had enough of that. I tried being an asshole in 1955, and Wyatt Earp stopped me cold. Wyatt Earp was an asshole.
I started getting respect, though, and turned to being a judge. In 1961, I helped a nice young fellow escape being hanged so he could become a Texas Ranger, and what a good move that was! He had a good friend in the Rangers speak up for him. He once made the mistake of saying something not cool to the ranger, but he didn't make the mistake of saying that too often, because once more would have been too often.
Now, about my drinking. In 1962, it got me in big trouble. Some asshole took my license away from me, and I got beat up by five guys. They were assholes, too. Five brothers (not my brothers, cause they were assholes). I heard they got killed later on. So I went back to drinking. Hell, that's about all I can remember.
EDGAR BUCHANAN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 4. I'm more sober than most of your autobiographers, so my memory is quite good, except I don't remember much. In 1953, things were getting rough, and I was shot off the top of a cliff and fell into some raging waters. It was later on that year, when I got myself out of the water, that I made a big trek through the desert. So, I have an excuse for not remembering much, don't I?
In 1958, my farm was struggling, and one of my sons was getting hot headed about his wife. I tried to drill the fear of God into him, but he just wouldn't listen.
Things worked out, but not for me. I guess someone held a grudge. In 1961, I was beheaded. Do you know what it's like to be beheaded? Huh? It don't feel good, let me tell you.
I can tell you that World War II lasted well into the sixties. I was there often enough. Being an officer.
Oh, and that other autobiographer was right about Wyatt Earp being an asshole. Found that out in 1967.
ROBERT RYAN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 5. People always thought I was a bit of a freak. I remember back in 1986, how I was burned to death in a monastery. That sucked.
In 1996, I was hoping to enjoy life on an island, but the guy running the island was a mental freak.
I guess I had problems, too. In 1997, I ran with a group of pirates out in space. Yeah, I was in outer space, far away. You won't believe what I saw there.
Problems didn't stop there. There were some mean primates I had to deal with in 1999. I'm talking about "mean".
I guess that's why later on, people thought I came straight from Hell.
RON PERLMAN solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 6. In 1992, I was a real gangster. That career ended in East Saint Louis. So, I tried being an honest, working man, and in 1995, some bully in the neighborhood pushed me to my limit. I was going to gun him down, but my father taught me better values, so I just beat the bully up. I felt much better about myself after that. It changed my life. Good thing, too, because in 1997, I had to use all my inner skill to survive in a jungle.
ICE CUBE solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 7. It was 1930 when I stopped my career as an African explorer to rise to new heights. By 1935, I was already a successful agent for opera singers. My education didn't stop with my career. I was a veterinarian by 1937, although I was in charge of a sanitarium. So, in 1938, I tried to produce a show, and had a tough time just paying my hotel bill.
In 1939, I practiced law. Some day, I'll get it right with enough practice. Seems there are a couple of low life guys always slowing me down, though. This time, they got me in trouble with a travelling circus.
GROUCHO MARX solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 8. My life had a rough start. In 1958, I felt very tiny. Real tiny, and I remember screaming for help, but people could barely hear me. And then when they heard me, they didn't exactly save me. Quite the opposite.
In 1960, I encountered some prehistoric monster, but no one will believe me. Maybe I shouldn't speak too much about that.
It helped to keep mum about that, because I had a lucrative career from 1964 to 1968 aboard a sea vessel that helped save the world many times over.
That expertise helped me to land an excellent position with the CIA in 1973, which was a good gig until the horrors of 1989. From then on, I just want to forget about it all.
DAVID HEDISON solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 9. I should have had a good medical career, but in 1950, problems arose with a patient dying. I took it very hard. He was quite young.
In 1958, I was already a fugitive from justice, and kind of stuck with someone who was very hostile, IMO. I tried to make the most of it. I never wanted to be at odds with the law again.
1963 was the bright spot in my life, although it was hard work. It was the most satisfying time, helping some nuns. It wasn't monetarily rewarding, but it was rewarding.
However, in 1965, I witnessed what could have been the start of a nuclear war. It's a wonder I'm still here.
I was helping to solve crimes by 1967, so I guess the nuclear war didn't happen.
That same year, I attended a very emotional dinner party with my bride to be. In those days, we still felt a need to have some acceptance from in laws. We did get it, though.
SIDNEY POITIER solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 10. In 1967, I decided to be an outlaw, but I got killed.
In 1973, I decided to be my own boss, and drilled for oil, and met my estranged father, and he got killed.
In 1974, I was well to do in California, and had a daughter, but I got killed.
I'm sick and tired of me and mine getting killed. So in 1981, I just laid down the law, especially to my daughter.
FAYE DUNAWAY solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 11. In 1940, I began a lot of travelling with a companion who really wasn't in my league, but I put up with him any way. I thought I lost him in 1944, when I was on the high seas and had a map tattooed on my chest. But, he still found me. I let him have the dame. Least I could do.
In 1949, I was a bookie, and I never took credit. Believe me, don't take just anything for a "marker" or for "security", because it could be quite a nuisance.
By 1979, I was happy to just be playing around with some kind of puppet people.
BOB HOPE solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 12. I may seem no-nonsense to you all, but there's a reason. Back in 1939, I was happy go lucky, and it got me tortured and killed in a horrible way by some fanatic and his followers in the Philippines.
So, in 1949, I turned to politics, and had a good political machine going.
Well, that didn't last long, because in 1953, I found myself fighting for my life when some hostiles wiped out an entire town, and I had only five men left with me, one of them hurt and dying. So we went through the desert and found a stagecoach, and those same hostiles tried to wipe us out again. Thankfully, a young native American boy saved us.
In 1956, I was holding a position for us during World War II. Yes, it was still going on. Those people ahead of me aren't lying about that.
From 1955 to 1959, I had steady employment in law enforcement.
BRODERICK CRAWFORD solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 13. In 1941, I learned that I was misguided as a German U Boat soldier. I was a baker before that, and a good one. Six of us got stranded in Canada, and I got to be a human again, but our commanding officer didn't appreciate that.
I tried to do right, but in 1956, my wife left me, and I actually went to war over her.
I guess that got me on the dark side. In 1957, I was really nasty, and conjured up a demon. My bad.
In 1959, I was with the Irish resistance against the British, but the leader of our group was as bad as the Black and Tans. He wanted to murder this beautiful, young girl. I should have tried to stop him. Fortunately, some young man did stop him.
So, I moved to an island, and in 1966, some strange creatures invaded the island. These creatures weren't exactly fast, but they were deadly. They would latch onto people and dissolve their bones. Kind of like some of today's drugs. They foresaw this in 1966. Who'd have thunk it?
NIALL MACGINNIS solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 14. I remember as far back as 1942, fighting against injustice. Me and six other guys voted not to hang some alleged rustlers. Well, we were outvoted, and they were hanged, and they were innocent. Learned a lot about justice from that.
Still, I wasn't exactly right in the head. In 1948, I commanded a fort, and I underestimated the native American forces. I was angry about the rash young man my daughter was seeing, and my arrogance led to a military blunder cost a lot of lives, including mine.
Still, I got my second chance, in 1957, when I managed to stop a "lynching", although it wasn't really a lynching. I convinced the other members of a jury not to convict a young man.
HENRY FONDA solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 15. I don't know what in tarnation all these high falllutin' tea guzzlin' yonker heads are yammmerin' on about! I don't know about those fellows braggin' about doctorin' and stuff. I sang my way into here. And I'll sing my way out!
Why it was in 1956 that I should've gotten married, but her boyfriend got back from looking for his sister. Why, I don't know why he didn't get arrested! I whupped him good, too.
I was in law enforcement from 1959 all up to 1975.
KEN CURTIS solved by Jervis Tech
SOLVED!! 16. I was a princess in 1953, but was discovered to be a fraud in 1961.
In 1963, everyone around me was a fraud. Even guys who I met in embassy offices. When my husband died, I learned even he wasn't who I thought. I wasn't even sure what my last name was.
But in 1964, I was taught to pass for royalty. No more frauds. Well, that's what I thought.
I lost my eyesight in 1967, and met more frauds, and I'm glad those days are over.
AUDREY HEPBURN solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 17. In 1954, I joined the elite group. I had a false document at first, which I didn't know was for a young boy, but eventually, I showed my true value and allowed to be part of an elite group. Some people needed our help, so we helped them. I got in trouble for leaving my post, but I did good, killing a bad guy and taking his gun back to our side.
In 1962, I found a group of young men who were ready to falsely accuse the wrong guy of being a bad steward. His nephew was leading this group. I showed them that they were wrong, and later, unfortunately, the nephew challenged me to a duel. i don't want to think about that.
TOSHIRO MIFUNE solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 18. In 1949, I was helping to fight the war in the air. Yes, World War II was still going on. I helped the new commander mold the pilots into an effective group.
It was very depressing. My life went into ruin. In 1951, I escaped from jail with three other guys, and found myself at a stage coach way station. I wasn't much use, and I ran off.
In 1954, the United States saw my military career as being noteworthy, and I was made a general. Except I moved to Vermont, which isn't where a general should be.
DEAN JAGGER solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 19. I was highly prized as a hit man in 1949. But it didn't pan out well. I was going to give it to some guy in the belly, cause he didn't like it in the belly, but I failed, and he was going to die any way. I was such a failure, that I decided this was not my life's calling.
In 1951, I decided to join the U.S. Cavalry, and fight hostiles. I was sent on a suicide mission. I didn't think much of that idea.
So, in 1952, I went back to the underworld, and was hired for a heist where we were all masked and didn't know each other. That didn't turn out very well. Crime doesn't pay. I know it now.
So, in 1953, I was a POW. I don't know why we were World War II POWs in 1953, but there was a stinking stoolie in the camp who got some good boys killed, but we got that stoolie.
I went back to crime in 1959, but spent much of 1959 through 1961 in Alcatraz.
NEVILLE BRAND solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 20. I thought I'd get a big break in 1939. I kept thinking I was a good hearted fellow, but something was missing.
I found myself in a foxhole in 1956, with some young man who was in the share cropping business, like I was, and we became friends.
But I didn't see him again. Turns out, I didn't need share cropping, cause in 1962, I kind of struck it rich, and moved to some hills where I had a cement pond.
BUDDY EBSEN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 21. Let me tell you I had it rough. In 1990, I was trying to make ends meet, maybe not the most legal way, but I heard these voices in my head, and those voices got me in trouble. I mean, some guy was ready to murder me for something I had nothing to do with. Later on, this voice got me into a bank where I got a check for a fortune, and the voice made me give that check to a nun.
Well, I had enough of that, so I figured to get that check back, and became a nun myself in 1992.
WHOOPI GOLDBURG solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 22. I really thought that back in 1957 I would go places. I was in charge of a group of men in a room, but I didn't push my weight around. Turns out one of those men kind of ran things, and I felt kind of useless.
In 1960, I found that motels were not any better than rooms. Had a very bad experience in one.
I never got my confidence back. I had a chance in 1967, so I thought, driving a stage coach, but when we were held up, I was kind of useless. I am hoping to improve my self esteem, so please publish my autobiography.
MARTIN BALSAM solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 23. Back in 1955, I led a good bunch of gunfighters and took over a town, but that didn't last long.
Since then, I had done a lot of bad things, using my muscle. But in 1962, I made up for it, I think, when I confronted this racist asshole who came into our town, telling people to hate other people's guts for no reason. Well, he got his come uppance, I'm glad to say.
Didn't do me much good, though. Just one year later, I thought I'd get respect, and some guy kept saying he wasn't going to hit me, and then he hit me. Sucker punched me. That's what I get for being a nice guy.
LEO GORDON solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 24. In 1961, I helped catch a Japanese soldier. Yes, World War II was still going on. When the sergeant said we had to kill the prisoner, I wasn't sure about doing that, even though we were in a fix, and couldn't keep him, but later we found swag on him, and I was ready to kill him. Didn't have to. One of the other guys did it. But then we got in a fix with the Japanese troops.
In 1965, I thought all that was behind me. And when I was stranded in the desert with some other guys, I realized I was in a fix again. I had the only gun, and I wouldn't give it up easy. Well, I got out of that fix.
But, in 1970, I was trapped by Japanese troops again. I didn't get out of this fix. Well, didn't get out of the fix in 1961, either. The moral of this story is "don't get in a fix, surrounded by Japanese troops".
RONALD FRASER solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 25. Now, who can blame me for not knowing the Civil War was over in 1952? Huh? And killing all them Yankees? I mean, come on, look at what the others are saying about not knowing World War II was over. Well, it wasn't my fault.
I get kind of irritated that the same guy who killed me then also killed me in 1956. I don't hold it against a man to kill me one time, but do it twice, and I have a problem with you.
I got drunk a lot, but in 1965, well, I guess I got so drunk that I shot myself, only I didn't really shoot myself. Hell, I was drunk. I don't know. I know I had a hard time staying on that horse when we rode out of town, though, but I stayed on it.
I must have been drunk, cause I was fighting World War II in 1967, and doing it with a bunch of misfits.
LEE MARVIN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 26. I was a good general. I was a general in 1966. And again in 1968. And recommissioned in 1970. I was a good general.
There's no reason I should have been reduced to driving a cab from 1968 to 1979, dealing with all these hippies putting down our country!
CARROLL O'CONNER solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 27. I was born in 1931, well, some say 1887, but it was 1931. My wife was born in 1935.
Meanwhile, in 1934, before my wife was born, I was lost in the desert in an ill fated troop. But that was the past.
It wasn't until 1947 that it was discovered I was of the Seneca tribe in the United States.
So, I got a degree and became a doctor. In 1952, I helped a youngan and young woman survive being buried alive. I feel good about that.
BORIS KARLOFF solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 28. In 1958, I had a ranch, but some young man killed one of my sons. Then he killed another one of my sons, and I was bound to get him. I don't care if it was self defense. They were my boys, and I'd as soon kill anybody who got in my way. Course he saved my last son from a fire, so I let the young man live.
In 1962, I only had a daughter. And I tried to protect her from the wrong kind of men. She run off to get married, but married the wrong man, and came back, but that bad husband got back before her and killed me. He was sure the wrong kind of man.
In 1966, my ranch was big again. I don't know how I came back to life, and don't know why I had sons now, except the youngest one got killed, and I had to fight off a greedy neighbor and his gunmen. All I got is a drunken sheriff and a crippled gunfighter and an old Indian fighter and a young man who can't shoot straight.
R G ARMSTRONG solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 29. I kind of got off on the wrong foot in 1971 in my law enforcement career, and even had one bad guy simply wave "bye bye" to me when I lost him.
So, in 1972, I took to preaching, and saved some people from disaster, except I couldn't save myself.
In 1978 and 1980, I had big ambition, but some illegal alien messed up my plans.
In 1988, I solved a racially motivated murder. I deserve credit for that. Right?
So, in 1995, I had my own town, and I let people live, as long as I didn't decide to kill them. Killed me a dandy braggart, and killed me a gunman who was hired to kill me, and killed me a boy who said he was my son (but I disowned him once I saw he was a loser). Getting ready to kill me a preacher now.
GENE HACKMAN solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 30. I was the president of the United States back in 1942. So what does an ex president do when he's no longer president?
Well, if he's like me, he takes a brief trip to France, where in 1948 I helped the king himself.
Of course, I went West to do some ranching. In 1957, I helped the law do its work against an outlaw, in my own small way.
In 1958, I was content to brag about my past exploits, and let my two sons have an active life. The oldest one was rough, like me, but got into too much trouble.
VAN HEFLIN solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 31. Most people don't think of me as an actor, and I did have a lot of help from my friends early in my career, but I tried it without friends, just with God's help, the Christian way, in 1969, but in 1981, I was homeless and living in a cave, so even though I didn't expect it to come easy, I had to admit that film making wasn't my first calling.
RINGO STARR solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 32. I'm not a bad girl, even though I tried to scam the public with a fake story in 1941 and murdered my husband in 1944. Don't forget that from 1965 to 1969 I ran an honest, upstanding ranch with my family.
BARBARA STANWYCK solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 33. My life doesn't amount to much. In 1936, I killed a writer. In 1937, I was a member of a hate group. Also in 1937, I was a mobster so mean that my own mother slapped me. Just more and more of this, till in 1942, I ran what I thought was an honest place in Europe.
In 1948, I went out West, and tried to hit it big, but I got paranoid, and tried to kill my best friend. I was a wreck, and wound up getting killed by some guy who once told me he was a lawman.
In 1951, I was dragging a boat around in the water. Just miserable.
In 1954, I had a command, but my people were all against me, and they made my command a wreck
HUMPHREY BOGART solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 34. In 1951 I was fighting the Civil War. Later, I got in trouble with the law, in 1953, and a horse kept saving me. That horse was a real hero.
In 1955, that's when I really got to be myself. I was really me that year.
In 1956, I captured Geronimo. How old he must have been then.
In 1957, that's when my older brother played that accordion and got me mad. I never liked that accordion.
In 1958, I was on the run from the law, and the lawman chasing me fell from a cliff. I was mistaken for him later, and had to pretend to be him. So much for being myself.
AUDIE MURPHY solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 35. In 1946, my sister and myself got help from a private detective in solving a murder. We weren't much help, I'm afraid.
However, in 1948, I was of some help to the same man, only he wasn't a private eye any more. He was being forced to use his boat to help mobsters.
I thought I was settled down, but in 1974 I was on a train and a murder occurred. And in 1976, I took in a boarder who had led a violent life, but was dying.
LAUREN BACALL solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 36. In 1946, I was forced to take poison by an assassin. I was too weak to fight back. I think a private eye saw the whole thing, and did something about it, though. Story of my life, being the little guy.
Like in 1953, when I was a settler in the old West, and I was proud of being a Southern veteran of the war, and some gunfighter killed me dead.
But, finally, in 1967, I found my niche as a lawyer, and successfully defended a starship commander of a crime he was framed for. I finally made the grade.
ELISHA COOKE JR solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 37. I been out West most of my life. As a sheriff in 1961, some hoodlum got the better of me, though.
In 1964, as a member of the U.S.A.F., I made sure a payload was delivered to its target.
I guess the time of my life was in 1974, though, when I had to stop a bunch of Kansas City #$@# from singing and dancing.
SLIM PICKENS solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 38. In 1963, I made quite a name for myself, catching a mass murderer. He almost got me, too.
That got me a position of military authority in 1964, which ended in quite a disaster, but not of any of my doing.
I was, indeed, still a general, in 1970.
My life took a tumble, and in 1973, I was an ex military man, struggling to make ends meet, helping a woman keep her oil well safe from predators.
Which took me to 1984, when I was sitting in comfort at the expense of others, and being quite a miser, till I got the Christmas spirit.
GEORGE C SCOTT solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 39. In 1954, I was in the Korean War, trying to help save downed pilots. It didn't end well for me.
In 1957, I helped Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday for a while. They sure lived a long time, didn't they?
I was back in the service, all the way back to World War II in 1968. How'd that happen? I got caught behind enemy lines after a bungled patrol was slaughtered. I got wounded, and depended on a war correspondent to take out a sniper. Talk about a harrowing experience.
That's enough of harrowing experiences.
EARL HOLLIMAN JR solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 40. In 1966, I was a tough gunfighter. Only two other gunmen were as fast as me. One was dead. Another was the guy who later killed me, but I showed him how to die, didn't I?
In 1970, I was up against the same guy, but I left town before he had a chance to kill me. Still, I needed to show people how to die.
Well, finally, in 1981, I showed this ninja how to die. I really showed him. No one dies like me.
CHRISTOPHER GEORGE solved by Is a Pop
You see, these actors got into their roles and forgot who they were in real life, so when they wrote their autobiographies, they wrote them for roles they played. For instance, George Lazenby swears he was a secret agent for her majesty's secret service in 1969.
They must have thought something was amiss, because many times they died, and then came back to life again, but this is how wrapped up they were in their roles.
So, this is their autobiographies. Can you guess who they really were, before they became so absent minded?
FINAL SCORES
Matt Garth 12
Bat out of Heck 11
Is a Pop 10
Tim's Hell Boy 6
Jervis Tech 1
SOLVED!!! 1. I began as a very peaceful man. In 1955, I finally killed a spider, and that really affected me, so I worked at driving cattle out West from 1959 to 1965, to get my head right. I made money in World War II in 1970, strange as that sounds. And I thought I better explain my income, so I joined the police force in 1971.
Law enforcement wasn't what I thought it would be, so I threw down my badge and went West again. I remember how in 1972 I was with some Mexican freedom fighters who were being picked off by a sniper, and I put together my own rifle and shot the sniper.
I must have gotten someone mad, because in 1973, some guys tried to hang me. After that, I did some more law enforcement, and beat some people up, and just did all kinds of stuff.
CLINT EASTWOOD-solved by Bat out of Heck
SOLVED!! 2. I'm proof of Evolution, in a big way. I wasn't always a human being. I remember quite distinctly, being an amphibious animal in 1933. I evolved, though. In 1940, I was already working for a newspaper. And in 1944, I learned I was adopted, so it's possible I wasn't an animal after all.
In 1957, I encountered difficulty in moving a big cannon around for some people. Somehow, I must have lost the cannon, because I remember in 1959, looking for something in a wide open space. I think there was a plane flying around, and I was standing on the side of a road, waiting for a bus, I think.
I guess the bus took me to some theater. I remember in 1963, that was the year I was studying on how trap doors in theaters worked.
I know some other autobiographer said he was in World War II in 1970. Well, I don't know if it was going on that long, but I was scouting for Japanese planes on an island in 1963, and some hot babe showed up and stole all my whiskey. So, I guess that may explain why I don't remember things too well, because in 1963 some hot babe stole all my whiskey, which might explain why I don't remember things too well, because in 1963, a hot babe stole all my whiskey, which may explain why I don't remember things too well, any more.
CARY GRANT solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 3. I'll have you know that the wild West isn't what you thought it would be. Why, in 1948, I was a doctor out West, and there was a maniac hanging men left and right, and he wound up burning down the whole town just to arrest his best friend. Well, I had enough of that.
In 1951, I was in charge of a way station for the stage, and some asshole killed me. I know that sounds "made up", but he did. I guess my old doctor days helped me back to health, cause in 1953 I was trying to settle down out West, and I was being forced off my land by another asshole, who hired another asshole to kill settlers.
Well, I had enough of that. I tried being an asshole in 1955, and Wyatt Earp stopped me cold. Wyatt Earp was an asshole.
I started getting respect, though, and turned to being a judge. In 1961, I helped a nice young fellow escape being hanged so he could become a Texas Ranger, and what a good move that was! He had a good friend in the Rangers speak up for him. He once made the mistake of saying something not cool to the ranger, but he didn't make the mistake of saying that too often, because once more would have been too often.
Now, about my drinking. In 1962, it got me in big trouble. Some asshole took my license away from me, and I got beat up by five guys. They were assholes, too. Five brothers (not my brothers, cause they were assholes). I heard they got killed later on. So I went back to drinking. Hell, that's about all I can remember.
EDGAR BUCHANAN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 4. I'm more sober than most of your autobiographers, so my memory is quite good, except I don't remember much. In 1953, things were getting rough, and I was shot off the top of a cliff and fell into some raging waters. It was later on that year, when I got myself out of the water, that I made a big trek through the desert. So, I have an excuse for not remembering much, don't I?
In 1958, my farm was struggling, and one of my sons was getting hot headed about his wife. I tried to drill the fear of God into him, but he just wouldn't listen.
Things worked out, but not for me. I guess someone held a grudge. In 1961, I was beheaded. Do you know what it's like to be beheaded? Huh? It don't feel good, let me tell you.
I can tell you that World War II lasted well into the sixties. I was there often enough. Being an officer.
Oh, and that other autobiographer was right about Wyatt Earp being an asshole. Found that out in 1967.
ROBERT RYAN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 5. People always thought I was a bit of a freak. I remember back in 1986, how I was burned to death in a monastery. That sucked.
In 1996, I was hoping to enjoy life on an island, but the guy running the island was a mental freak.
I guess I had problems, too. In 1997, I ran with a group of pirates out in space. Yeah, I was in outer space, far away. You won't believe what I saw there.
Problems didn't stop there. There were some mean primates I had to deal with in 1999. I'm talking about "mean".
I guess that's why later on, people thought I came straight from Hell.
RON PERLMAN solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 6. In 1992, I was a real gangster. That career ended in East Saint Louis. So, I tried being an honest, working man, and in 1995, some bully in the neighborhood pushed me to my limit. I was going to gun him down, but my father taught me better values, so I just beat the bully up. I felt much better about myself after that. It changed my life. Good thing, too, because in 1997, I had to use all my inner skill to survive in a jungle.
ICE CUBE solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 7. It was 1930 when I stopped my career as an African explorer to rise to new heights. By 1935, I was already a successful agent for opera singers. My education didn't stop with my career. I was a veterinarian by 1937, although I was in charge of a sanitarium. So, in 1938, I tried to produce a show, and had a tough time just paying my hotel bill.
In 1939, I practiced law. Some day, I'll get it right with enough practice. Seems there are a couple of low life guys always slowing me down, though. This time, they got me in trouble with a travelling circus.
GROUCHO MARX solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 8. My life had a rough start. In 1958, I felt very tiny. Real tiny, and I remember screaming for help, but people could barely hear me. And then when they heard me, they didn't exactly save me. Quite the opposite.
In 1960, I encountered some prehistoric monster, but no one will believe me. Maybe I shouldn't speak too much about that.
It helped to keep mum about that, because I had a lucrative career from 1964 to 1968 aboard a sea vessel that helped save the world many times over.
That expertise helped me to land an excellent position with the CIA in 1973, which was a good gig until the horrors of 1989. From then on, I just want to forget about it all.
DAVID HEDISON solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 9. I should have had a good medical career, but in 1950, problems arose with a patient dying. I took it very hard. He was quite young.
In 1958, I was already a fugitive from justice, and kind of stuck with someone who was very hostile, IMO. I tried to make the most of it. I never wanted to be at odds with the law again.
1963 was the bright spot in my life, although it was hard work. It was the most satisfying time, helping some nuns. It wasn't monetarily rewarding, but it was rewarding.
However, in 1965, I witnessed what could have been the start of a nuclear war. It's a wonder I'm still here.
I was helping to solve crimes by 1967, so I guess the nuclear war didn't happen.
That same year, I attended a very emotional dinner party with my bride to be. In those days, we still felt a need to have some acceptance from in laws. We did get it, though.
SIDNEY POITIER solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 10. In 1967, I decided to be an outlaw, but I got killed.
In 1973, I decided to be my own boss, and drilled for oil, and met my estranged father, and he got killed.
In 1974, I was well to do in California, and had a daughter, but I got killed.
I'm sick and tired of me and mine getting killed. So in 1981, I just laid down the law, especially to my daughter.
FAYE DUNAWAY solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 11. In 1940, I began a lot of travelling with a companion who really wasn't in my league, but I put up with him any way. I thought I lost him in 1944, when I was on the high seas and had a map tattooed on my chest. But, he still found me. I let him have the dame. Least I could do.
In 1949, I was a bookie, and I never took credit. Believe me, don't take just anything for a "marker" or for "security", because it could be quite a nuisance.
By 1979, I was happy to just be playing around with some kind of puppet people.
BOB HOPE solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 12. I may seem no-nonsense to you all, but there's a reason. Back in 1939, I was happy go lucky, and it got me tortured and killed in a horrible way by some fanatic and his followers in the Philippines.
So, in 1949, I turned to politics, and had a good political machine going.
Well, that didn't last long, because in 1953, I found myself fighting for my life when some hostiles wiped out an entire town, and I had only five men left with me, one of them hurt and dying. So we went through the desert and found a stagecoach, and those same hostiles tried to wipe us out again. Thankfully, a young native American boy saved us.
In 1956, I was holding a position for us during World War II. Yes, it was still going on. Those people ahead of me aren't lying about that.
From 1955 to 1959, I had steady employment in law enforcement.
BRODERICK CRAWFORD solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 13. In 1941, I learned that I was misguided as a German U Boat soldier. I was a baker before that, and a good one. Six of us got stranded in Canada, and I got to be a human again, but our commanding officer didn't appreciate that.
I tried to do right, but in 1956, my wife left me, and I actually went to war over her.
I guess that got me on the dark side. In 1957, I was really nasty, and conjured up a demon. My bad.
In 1959, I was with the Irish resistance against the British, but the leader of our group was as bad as the Black and Tans. He wanted to murder this beautiful, young girl. I should have tried to stop him. Fortunately, some young man did stop him.
So, I moved to an island, and in 1966, some strange creatures invaded the island. These creatures weren't exactly fast, but they were deadly. They would latch onto people and dissolve their bones. Kind of like some of today's drugs. They foresaw this in 1966. Who'd have thunk it?
NIALL MACGINNIS solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 14. I remember as far back as 1942, fighting against injustice. Me and six other guys voted not to hang some alleged rustlers. Well, we were outvoted, and they were hanged, and they were innocent. Learned a lot about justice from that.
Still, I wasn't exactly right in the head. In 1948, I commanded a fort, and I underestimated the native American forces. I was angry about the rash young man my daughter was seeing, and my arrogance led to a military blunder cost a lot of lives, including mine.
Still, I got my second chance, in 1957, when I managed to stop a "lynching", although it wasn't really a lynching. I convinced the other members of a jury not to convict a young man.
HENRY FONDA solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 15. I don't know what in tarnation all these high falllutin' tea guzzlin' yonker heads are yammmerin' on about! I don't know about those fellows braggin' about doctorin' and stuff. I sang my way into here. And I'll sing my way out!
Why it was in 1956 that I should've gotten married, but her boyfriend got back from looking for his sister. Why, I don't know why he didn't get arrested! I whupped him good, too.
I was in law enforcement from 1959 all up to 1975.
KEN CURTIS solved by Jervis Tech
SOLVED!! 16. I was a princess in 1953, but was discovered to be a fraud in 1961.
In 1963, everyone around me was a fraud. Even guys who I met in embassy offices. When my husband died, I learned even he wasn't who I thought. I wasn't even sure what my last name was.
But in 1964, I was taught to pass for royalty. No more frauds. Well, that's what I thought.
I lost my eyesight in 1967, and met more frauds, and I'm glad those days are over.
AUDREY HEPBURN solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 17. In 1954, I joined the elite group. I had a false document at first, which I didn't know was for a young boy, but eventually, I showed my true value and allowed to be part of an elite group. Some people needed our help, so we helped them. I got in trouble for leaving my post, but I did good, killing a bad guy and taking his gun back to our side.
In 1962, I found a group of young men who were ready to falsely accuse the wrong guy of being a bad steward. His nephew was leading this group. I showed them that they were wrong, and later, unfortunately, the nephew challenged me to a duel. i don't want to think about that.
TOSHIRO MIFUNE solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 18. In 1949, I was helping to fight the war in the air. Yes, World War II was still going on. I helped the new commander mold the pilots into an effective group.
It was very depressing. My life went into ruin. In 1951, I escaped from jail with three other guys, and found myself at a stage coach way station. I wasn't much use, and I ran off.
In 1954, the United States saw my military career as being noteworthy, and I was made a general. Except I moved to Vermont, which isn't where a general should be.
DEAN JAGGER solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 19. I was highly prized as a hit man in 1949. But it didn't pan out well. I was going to give it to some guy in the belly, cause he didn't like it in the belly, but I failed, and he was going to die any way. I was such a failure, that I decided this was not my life's calling.
In 1951, I decided to join the U.S. Cavalry, and fight hostiles. I was sent on a suicide mission. I didn't think much of that idea.
So, in 1952, I went back to the underworld, and was hired for a heist where we were all masked and didn't know each other. That didn't turn out very well. Crime doesn't pay. I know it now.
So, in 1953, I was a POW. I don't know why we were World War II POWs in 1953, but there was a stinking stoolie in the camp who got some good boys killed, but we got that stoolie.
I went back to crime in 1959, but spent much of 1959 through 1961 in Alcatraz.
NEVILLE BRAND solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 20. I thought I'd get a big break in 1939. I kept thinking I was a good hearted fellow, but something was missing.
I found myself in a foxhole in 1956, with some young man who was in the share cropping business, like I was, and we became friends.
But I didn't see him again. Turns out, I didn't need share cropping, cause in 1962, I kind of struck it rich, and moved to some hills where I had a cement pond.
BUDDY EBSEN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 21. Let me tell you I had it rough. In 1990, I was trying to make ends meet, maybe not the most legal way, but I heard these voices in my head, and those voices got me in trouble. I mean, some guy was ready to murder me for something I had nothing to do with. Later on, this voice got me into a bank where I got a check for a fortune, and the voice made me give that check to a nun.
Well, I had enough of that, so I figured to get that check back, and became a nun myself in 1992.
WHOOPI GOLDBURG solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 22. I really thought that back in 1957 I would go places. I was in charge of a group of men in a room, but I didn't push my weight around. Turns out one of those men kind of ran things, and I felt kind of useless.
In 1960, I found that motels were not any better than rooms. Had a very bad experience in one.
I never got my confidence back. I had a chance in 1967, so I thought, driving a stage coach, but when we were held up, I was kind of useless. I am hoping to improve my self esteem, so please publish my autobiography.
MARTIN BALSAM solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 23. Back in 1955, I led a good bunch of gunfighters and took over a town, but that didn't last long.
Since then, I had done a lot of bad things, using my muscle. But in 1962, I made up for it, I think, when I confronted this racist asshole who came into our town, telling people to hate other people's guts for no reason. Well, he got his come uppance, I'm glad to say.
Didn't do me much good, though. Just one year later, I thought I'd get respect, and some guy kept saying he wasn't going to hit me, and then he hit me. Sucker punched me. That's what I get for being a nice guy.
LEO GORDON solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 24. In 1961, I helped catch a Japanese soldier. Yes, World War II was still going on. When the sergeant said we had to kill the prisoner, I wasn't sure about doing that, even though we were in a fix, and couldn't keep him, but later we found swag on him, and I was ready to kill him. Didn't have to. One of the other guys did it. But then we got in a fix with the Japanese troops.
In 1965, I thought all that was behind me. And when I was stranded in the desert with some other guys, I realized I was in a fix again. I had the only gun, and I wouldn't give it up easy. Well, I got out of that fix.
But, in 1970, I was trapped by Japanese troops again. I didn't get out of this fix. Well, didn't get out of the fix in 1961, either. The moral of this story is "don't get in a fix, surrounded by Japanese troops".
RONALD FRASER solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 25. Now, who can blame me for not knowing the Civil War was over in 1952? Huh? And killing all them Yankees? I mean, come on, look at what the others are saying about not knowing World War II was over. Well, it wasn't my fault.
I get kind of irritated that the same guy who killed me then also killed me in 1956. I don't hold it against a man to kill me one time, but do it twice, and I have a problem with you.
I got drunk a lot, but in 1965, well, I guess I got so drunk that I shot myself, only I didn't really shoot myself. Hell, I was drunk. I don't know. I know I had a hard time staying on that horse when we rode out of town, though, but I stayed on it.
I must have been drunk, cause I was fighting World War II in 1967, and doing it with a bunch of misfits.
LEE MARVIN solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 26. I was a good general. I was a general in 1966. And again in 1968. And recommissioned in 1970. I was a good general.
There's no reason I should have been reduced to driving a cab from 1968 to 1979, dealing with all these hippies putting down our country!
CARROLL O'CONNER solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 27. I was born in 1931, well, some say 1887, but it was 1931. My wife was born in 1935.
Meanwhile, in 1934, before my wife was born, I was lost in the desert in an ill fated troop. But that was the past.
It wasn't until 1947 that it was discovered I was of the Seneca tribe in the United States.
So, I got a degree and became a doctor. In 1952, I helped a youngan and young woman survive being buried alive. I feel good about that.
BORIS KARLOFF solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 28. In 1958, I had a ranch, but some young man killed one of my sons. Then he killed another one of my sons, and I was bound to get him. I don't care if it was self defense. They were my boys, and I'd as soon kill anybody who got in my way. Course he saved my last son from a fire, so I let the young man live.
In 1962, I only had a daughter. And I tried to protect her from the wrong kind of men. She run off to get married, but married the wrong man, and came back, but that bad husband got back before her and killed me. He was sure the wrong kind of man.
In 1966, my ranch was big again. I don't know how I came back to life, and don't know why I had sons now, except the youngest one got killed, and I had to fight off a greedy neighbor and his gunmen. All I got is a drunken sheriff and a crippled gunfighter and an old Indian fighter and a young man who can't shoot straight.
R G ARMSTRONG solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 29. I kind of got off on the wrong foot in 1971 in my law enforcement career, and even had one bad guy simply wave "bye bye" to me when I lost him.
So, in 1972, I took to preaching, and saved some people from disaster, except I couldn't save myself.
In 1978 and 1980, I had big ambition, but some illegal alien messed up my plans.
In 1988, I solved a racially motivated murder. I deserve credit for that. Right?
So, in 1995, I had my own town, and I let people live, as long as I didn't decide to kill them. Killed me a dandy braggart, and killed me a gunman who was hired to kill me, and killed me a boy who said he was my son (but I disowned him once I saw he was a loser). Getting ready to kill me a preacher now.
GENE HACKMAN solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 30. I was the president of the United States back in 1942. So what does an ex president do when he's no longer president?
Well, if he's like me, he takes a brief trip to France, where in 1948 I helped the king himself.
Of course, I went West to do some ranching. In 1957, I helped the law do its work against an outlaw, in my own small way.
In 1958, I was content to brag about my past exploits, and let my two sons have an active life. The oldest one was rough, like me, but got into too much trouble.
VAN HEFLIN solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 31. Most people don't think of me as an actor, and I did have a lot of help from my friends early in my career, but I tried it without friends, just with God's help, the Christian way, in 1969, but in 1981, I was homeless and living in a cave, so even though I didn't expect it to come easy, I had to admit that film making wasn't my first calling.
RINGO STARR solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 32. I'm not a bad girl, even though I tried to scam the public with a fake story in 1941 and murdered my husband in 1944. Don't forget that from 1965 to 1969 I ran an honest, upstanding ranch with my family.
BARBARA STANWYCK solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 33. My life doesn't amount to much. In 1936, I killed a writer. In 1937, I was a member of a hate group. Also in 1937, I was a mobster so mean that my own mother slapped me. Just more and more of this, till in 1942, I ran what I thought was an honest place in Europe.
In 1948, I went out West, and tried to hit it big, but I got paranoid, and tried to kill my best friend. I was a wreck, and wound up getting killed by some guy who once told me he was a lawman.
In 1951, I was dragging a boat around in the water. Just miserable.
In 1954, I had a command, but my people were all against me, and they made my command a wreck
HUMPHREY BOGART solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 34. In 1951 I was fighting the Civil War. Later, I got in trouble with the law, in 1953, and a horse kept saving me. That horse was a real hero.
In 1955, that's when I really got to be myself. I was really me that year.
In 1956, I captured Geronimo. How old he must have been then.
In 1957, that's when my older brother played that accordion and got me mad. I never liked that accordion.
In 1958, I was on the run from the law, and the lawman chasing me fell from a cliff. I was mistaken for him later, and had to pretend to be him. So much for being myself.
AUDIE MURPHY solved by Is a Pop
SOLVED!! 35. In 1946, my sister and myself got help from a private detective in solving a murder. We weren't much help, I'm afraid.
However, in 1948, I was of some help to the same man, only he wasn't a private eye any more. He was being forced to use his boat to help mobsters.
I thought I was settled down, but in 1974 I was on a train and a murder occurred. And in 1976, I took in a boarder who had led a violent life, but was dying.
LAUREN BACALL solved by Bat Out of Heck
SOLVED!! 36. In 1946, I was forced to take poison by an assassin. I was too weak to fight back. I think a private eye saw the whole thing, and did something about it, though. Story of my life, being the little guy.
Like in 1953, when I was a settler in the old West, and I was proud of being a Southern veteran of the war, and some gunfighter killed me dead.
But, finally, in 1967, I found my niche as a lawyer, and successfully defended a starship commander of a crime he was framed for. I finally made the grade.
ELISHA COOKE JR solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 37. I been out West most of my life. As a sheriff in 1961, some hoodlum got the better of me, though.
In 1964, as a member of the U.S.A.F., I made sure a payload was delivered to its target.
I guess the time of my life was in 1974, though, when I had to stop a bunch of Kansas City #$@# from singing and dancing.
SLIM PICKENS solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 38. In 1963, I made quite a name for myself, catching a mass murderer. He almost got me, too.
That got me a position of military authority in 1964, which ended in quite a disaster, but not of any of my doing.
I was, indeed, still a general, in 1970.
My life took a tumble, and in 1973, I was an ex military man, struggling to make ends meet, helping a woman keep her oil well safe from predators.
Which took me to 1984, when I was sitting in comfort at the expense of others, and being quite a miser, till I got the Christmas spirit.
GEORGE C SCOTT solved by Tim's Hell Boy
SOLVED!! 39. In 1954, I was in the Korean War, trying to help save downed pilots. It didn't end well for me.
In 1957, I helped Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday for a while. They sure lived a long time, didn't they?
I was back in the service, all the way back to World War II in 1968. How'd that happen? I got caught behind enemy lines after a bungled patrol was slaughtered. I got wounded, and depended on a war correspondent to take out a sniper. Talk about a harrowing experience.
That's enough of harrowing experiences.
EARL HOLLIMAN JR solved by Matt Garth
SOLVED!! 40. In 1966, I was a tough gunfighter. Only two other gunmen were as fast as me. One was dead. Another was the guy who later killed me, but I showed him how to die, didn't I?
In 1970, I was up against the same guy, but I left town before he had a chance to kill me. Still, I needed to show people how to die.
Well, finally, in 1981, I showed this ninja how to die. I really showed him. No one dies like me.
CHRISTOPHER GEORGE solved by Is a Pop
