What did the cat on Noah's Ark say when the ark landed? "Is that a rat?"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Say, what is this, some kind of joke?"
A man's car drives off a mountain road one night but he manages to jump out. Now, he is hanging on a tree limb over a black void so he can't see how far down it goes. He calls out, "Help! Is anybody out there?" A disembodied voice says, "I am here my son. You are safe. Just let go of the tree limb and you will be all right." The man hesitates for a moment then yells, "Is anybody else out there?"
A guy went to the doctor and was told he had a tapeworm. He couldn't afford conventional treatment, so he found a doctor who had a radical but inexpensive treatment.
The doctor came into the room with a banana and a cookie, had the guy drop his pants, and shoved the banana up his ass followed by the cookie. This went on for a week until finally came the day for the last treatment. The doctor showed up with a banana and a hammer. A little worried, the guy dropped his pants, and as before, the doctor shoved the banana up his ass. After a few moments, the tapeworm stuck its head out and demanded, "Where the hell is my cookie?"
And that's why the doctor had the hammer.
When you're a Cat, You're a Cat all the way From your first catnip mouse To your ninth dyin' day.
Post by Rodney Farber on Feb 23, 2021 18:43:13 GMT
Habib and Maria meet and fall in love. Despite being from two different religious faiths, they decide to get married. A few months later, Maria finds that she is pregnant. Low and behold, Maria gives birth to twin boys. Habib names one of the boys Amal, after his father. Maria names the other boy Juan after her father.
Due to financial hardship, they are forced to give the boys up for adoption. Years later, Juan is able to locate his parents. He sends them a letter along with his photograph. Maria immediately bursts into tears. Habib asks her why. Maria says, "I wish I had a photograph of our other son, too, so I could see what he looks like after all these years." Habib tells her, "C'mon Maria. They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
For those interested in time travel Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM
I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born It’s the worst way to get to know you’re adopted.
TRUE STORY: Stephen Hawking threw a Champagne party for time travelers complete with Krug and hors d’oeuvres in 2009, but didn’t release the invitations until after the party had taken place. If people had shown up, he hypothesized, it would be proof that time travel is real. Since people didn’t show up, time travel is not real, probably. “I sat there a long time, but no one came,” Hawking said in a statement. Loved this guy.
Post by OpiateOfTheMasses on Feb 23, 2021 23:36:20 GMT
It's a beautiful summers day in the Loire valley in France and a little boy goes up to his mother.
Phillipe: Mother can I go and play down by the river? Mother: Well of course you can! It is France! It is summer! You may go and play down by the river.
So Phillipe runs through the rose garden, skips through the vegetable garden and hops happily through the meadow and gets to the river. But then he runs back through the meadow, hurries through the vegetable garden and races through the rose garden!
Phillipe: Mother! It is terrible! Mother: What is wrong Phillipe? Phillipe: Down by the river, there is a man and a woman and they are making love! Mother: Well of course they are! It is France! It is summer! Everyone is making love! Phillipe: No! No! The woman - she is dead! Mother: That is terrible! I will go and have a look...
So Phillipe's mother runs through the rose garden, skips through the vegetable garden and hops happily through the meadow and gets to the river. But then she runs back through the meadow, hurries through the vegetable garden and races through the rose garden!
Mother: You are right Phillipe! I will call the gendarme!
Mother (on the phone): It is terrible! Policeman: What is wrong? Mother: Down by the river, there is a man and a woman and they are making love! Policeman: Well of course they are! It is France! It is summer! Everyone is making love! Mother: No! No! The woman - she is dead! Policeman: That is terrible! I will come at once...
So the policeman cycles up to the farm. And he runs through the rose garden, skips through the vegetable garden and hops happily through the meadow and gets to the river. And then he saunters back through meadow, jogs jollily through the vegetable garden and meanders happily through the rose garden.
Mother: The man and the woman, they were making love, yes? Policeman: Well of course they are! It is France! It is summer! Everyone is making love! Mother: And the woman, she was dead, no? Policeman: No, no, no... She is English!
Post by OpiateOfTheMasses on Feb 25, 2021 23:19:11 GMT
A long, long, long time ago.
On one day.
There was a woman.
And she didn't complain, or whinge, or find fault with everything.
But it was a long, long, long time ago.
And it was only for one day.
And it was only one woman.
[I had just started a new job and the Directors had invited the management team out for "dinner and drinks" (which is mainly just drinks) and late in the evening they asked me to tell a joke and this was the only joke I could remember. And as (at the time) it was an older male only group in front of me I thought I'd get away with telling that joke.
What I didn't realise is that just as I started to tell the (female) HR Director had arrived behind me and listened to whole thing. The CEO thought this was hilarious.
The HR department never liked me the whole time I was there...]
If you're happy and you know it go sit in a corner and really think about your life.
Post by Rodney Farber on Feb 27, 2021 21:46:54 GMT
I'd been standing in line waiting for a chance to talk to Saint Peter. I passed a sign that said, "Wait time from this point is 138 days". My legs ere getting tired when this elderly gentleman with a beard and carrying a medical bag walks right up to the front of the line. Saint Peter nods and the old man enters without waiting in line. I was fuming. I mumbled to myself, "I wonder how the f*** he doesn't have to wait like us" The lady in front of me says, "Oh, that's just God playing doctor."
Post by OpiateOfTheMasses on Feb 27, 2021 22:20:12 GMT
A trucks driving through the desert and it gets a puncture. So it pulls over the side of the road and the driver gets out and starts to try to deal with it.
A moment later another truck drives up, sees this and pulls up too.
2nd Driver: Are you alright? Do you want any help? 1st Driver: Thanks, but I should be okay. 2nd: Anything at all I can do? 1st: Well if you're not doing anything - you could take my load into town for me... 2nd: Sure - I'm not carrying anything at the moment and I'm heading that way anyhow.
So they herd 50 penguins from one truck to the other. And the 2nd driver gets in his cab and is about to pull away when a thought occurs to him.
2nd: Where should I take them? 1st: Take them to the zoo! 2nd: Of course!
And the second driver sets off.
A while later the first driver has got his truck working and he sets off through the desert into the town. When he gets there he sees the other driver walking along with 50 penguins following him. So he stops and rolls down the window.
1st: Oi! What are you doing? I thought I told you to take them to the zoo! 2nd: I did! And now I'm taking them to the cinema!