What classics did you see last week, August 7 to August 13?

X-ceptionally flawed.

This movie's all about 'out with the old/in with the new', starting with James McAvoy taking over Patrick Stewart’s voiceovering duties. In ancient Egypt, En Sabah Nur’s old/dried-up body's getting the boot as his consciousness is transferred into a new vessel (Oscar Isaac). Evidently, protestors are just as annoying/much of a nuisance back then as they are today, wanting to disrupt the Four Horsemen of the Apolcaypse’s ceremony as they endeavor to protect their leader…but because they suck, they’re easily defeated (even whilst possessing neat powers such as folding people like origami). Luckily, good ol’ reliable Death manages to place a protective shield around Smurfpocalypse (after the transfer's completed) before he's buried underneath rubble until future idiots inevitably revive his blue arse.

While some may've loved the journey-through-human-history that makes up this movie’s opening credits sequence, I myself found it a bit much (everything zips by SO fast you can hardly follow what’s appearing onscreen). The WTF-ery begins with a young Angel (no, not the dragonfly-winged-one-played-by-Zoë Kravitz...she dead, remember? The other one) CAGEFIGHTING young Nightcrawler (yes, REALLY. I guess DoFP’s timey-wimeyness is to blame for why Angel’s completely different to The Last Stand’s version) until human-looking Raven/Mystique (clearly J-Law renegotiated her contract to have her appearing in blue scaled back), wearing a booby purple dress, liberates her fellow blue mutant after Angel’s wings get singed.

Unlike her First Class introduction, Moira MacTaggert’s (returning so the issue of Charles wiping her memory can finally be addressed) the MOST-clothed she can possibly be as she witnesses worshippers revive Smurfpocalypse (told ya!), causing an earthquake everywhere, which leads to Erik/Magneto (who’s laying low/living regular-person life with a boring wife and kid) saving a colleague at work by using his power....and soon the cops are after him. In a scene mirroring his own separation from his parents, Erik’s daughter displays her power (summoning birds to attack). His obviously-doomed-from-the-start family prove super-unlucky, both getting offed with a single arrow (the cops were actually smart enough not to have any metal on them...though that doesn't do them much good, since Erik takes them all out using his dead daughter’s necklace).

Erik’s not the only one having a sucky day, as young Scott/Cyclops unintentionally manifests his powers at school…giving it a new sunroof. The WTF-ery continues with a young Storm (just when you thought her hair couldn’t get worse...she's got a mohawk), who's a thief, taking Smurfpocalypse HOME with her like he’s a stray dog (despite witnessing the messed-up stuff he does to people), introducing him to TV...which is how he ‘learns’ about humanity, and she’s the first in his recruitment of a new Four Horsemen, soon followed by Psylocke (the sum-total of her unexplained powers we see is a glowing pink sword and whip), Angel (whose burned/broken wings are replaced with new blade-shooting metal ones. They should've named him ‘Archangel’ to avoid confusion with the previous versions) and Magneto, who’s now p.o.’d at the world after his family’s demise.

Meanwhile, Scott’s brought to Xavier’s school by his older brother Alex/Havok (who, like Storm, sports some seriously questionable hair), he meets young Jean Grey (GoT’s Sophie Turner, only succeeding about half the time at sounding American. Two things you can always rely on from the X-films: dodgy hair and accents) and then, along with Nightcrawler and Jubilee, they go to see Return of the Jedi...which leads to the writers’ attempt at self-referential humour regarding movies (was Jean's line about how 'the third one is always the worst’ intended to warn us about this movie's quality?). Fortunately, they're away from the X-Mansion when Smurfpocalypse and his B-team of Horsemen invade. Unfortunately, foolish Havok (not listening to Charles) gets himself/the X-Mansion blown up.

Fortunately, Evan Peters’ Quicksilver happens by at the exact right moment, rescuing everyone (well...except Havok, of course, who's no longer needed now Scott's around). Clearly this slow-mo/super-speed sequence is intended to replicate the one from DoFP (which, unlike most, I wasn’t particularly impressed by). Prior to Havok’s immolation, Charles ordered him to ‘wreak havoc’ (in a rather forced attempt to have their own "Hulk? Smash.” moment), destroying Cerebro when, once again, the villain intended to use it for EVIL (by now Cerebro’s about neck-and-neck with the X-Jet for which one’s been sabotaged/destroyed the most). When that fails, Smurfpocalypse simply has his Horsemen kidnap Charles (so he can amplify his power/connection to everyone and control them). They then proceed to mostly stand around/do nothing until the film’s climax.

Sadly, Mystique doesn’t kick much butt (just gets strangled), so it’s up to the new crew to handle the Boresome Foursome and Smurfpocalypse, who is the only real match for them, growing HUGE at one point during a Battle-of-the-Minds with Charles, thoroughly thrashing him after a failed attempt to make him the new vessel (causing his hair loss in the process...as apparently baldness is a prerequisite for the role) until Jean finally lets loose her ‘Phoenix Force’, making short work of Smurfpocalypse (maybe next time LEAD with that!). Angel's dead, Psyclocke skulks off, and Storm's welcomed into the X-Mansion (despite aiding the enemy), which Jean rebuilds with Erik's help (the last exchange between him and Charles is just their dialogue from the end of the first film being reused/recycled), then Mystique gives a pep-talk to the newly-formed team of young X-Men now dressed in what resembles their comic-book costumes.

Speaking of costumes, Olivia Munn looks good in her boob-windowed outfit (oh sure, NOW you go for comic-book accuracy!), but like the majority of the new actors (whose performances range from average to pretty bad, while the returning actors seem to have lost enthusiasm) in the movie, her character's hardly developed. While nobody can ever equal Alan Cumming’s Nightcrawler, I felt Kodi Smit-McPhee did the best out of the new additions taking over previously-established roles. Despite the film's attempted 'epic-ness', it mainly feels like a bunch of random/questionable ideas (including extraneous Wolverine cameos) thrown together. Oh well, if nothing else, at least they gave us plenty of boob...I mean blue!

X-pired.

Sophie Turner should rethink doing voiceovers (especially when trying to maintain an American accent), as the dull/lifeless one she gives during this film’s opening illustrates (makes you appreciate Patrick Stewart’s all the more. Even James McAvoy’s was better). Also disappointing? The lack of opening credits sequence/X-Men Theme. It feels like a desperate attempt to be ‘more serious’, but instead (like the movie as a whole) just proves boring. If it wasn't already apparent that DoFP's events created a new reality, we see a totally different Jean origin than we got previously. This time she accidentally kills her parents in a car crash; then wakes up in hospital/meets McAvoy’s Charles. The main ‘theme’ of this movie seems to be characters not listening to others (mainly Raven/Mystique, whose makeup/prosthetics have randomly been changed) when they really should.

The X-Men go into space (yes, really) to save some astronauts. Thanks to teamwork, everything’s going fine...until a ‘solar flare’ attacks. Raven makes the tough call, wanting to get everyone else to safety, Charles doesn’t listen, and consequently Jean absorbs this cosmic force to save everyone...then it's brought back to Earth inside her, amplifying her powers, but at the same time breaking down the mental barriers/walls Charles built in her mind (he NEVER learns, does he?) that were intended to ‘protect’ her from learning the truth (ie. while her mother didn't survive the crash, her father did...but he *didn't* want Jean, so Charles took her in). Whether Charles is suppressing Jean’s ‘alternate personality’ or blocking her memories; either way...screwing with a powerful-mutant-child’s-mind? BIG mistake.

Someone else who doesn’t listen to Raven is Hank (now able to switch between human/Beast forms at will...it kinda defeats the point of his character, since he’s not permanently stuck as a blue furball). She's sick of Charles’ ego-tripping (as the ‘face’ of the X-Men, he enjoys all the praise they receive), but Hank talks her into staying when she wants to leave. The Mystique/Beast pairing always seemed rather random, but it’s nice the movie remembered their ‘relationship’ (at least it's better than Jean/Scott). While many hated Raven claiming ‘the women are always saving the men’/suggesting Charles re-name the team ‘X-Women’, I didn’t take it as a personal affront like others did. It’s something she says in-the-heat-of-the-moment/whilst angry just after Charles has almost gotten EVERYBODY ELSE killed to save Jean.

An eyebrow-less Jessica Chastain (looking albino-esque with her platinum blonde hair) plays Margaret, a woman who’s having a nice dinner with friends, when her jerk-of-a-hubby dismisses their barking dog, Luna (a platinum-blonde...the name 'Luna'...coincidence or a Harry Potter reference?), who’s just trying to warn them that their party’s being crashed by shapeshifting aliens. The leader, Vuk, obviously kills Margaret (and most likely poor Luna too), assuming her form, before caving in the chest of her jerk-of-a-hubby (should’ve heeded your dog's warning!) and presumably everyone else. At another less-murdery party in the woods, the X-Kids (including Halston Sage, briefly appearing as Dazzler...and living up to the character’s name) get blasted by Jean after she loses control, injuring people, as Charles’ mental blocks come tumbling down.

After learning the truth, Jean confronts her dad, the X-Men show up (as do the cops, who Jean promptly offs), Quicksilver’s badly injured (only reappearing by movie’s end for a lame one-liner), but at least he fares better than Mystique, who tries reasoning with Jean...while Hank just wants to shoot her, but again Charles doesn’t listen, and consequently Raven’s impaled (which is surprisingly bloody/gruesome). Obviously J-Law was OVER IT (while she certainly was no Rebecca Romijn, unlike others...I never hated her in the role), which is why the Blue Man Group loses a member. Nicholas Hoult, bless him, gives Raven's death scene his all (while McAvoy-as-Charles does the opposite). It’s satisfying when Hank later calls Charles out on his BS (though unintentionally amusing when we see Beast in the rain at the funeral, resembling a soggy blue doggy). Charles is at his MOST unlikeable in this movie. After crying in the rain, Jean flies to Magneto for help (but won’t confess whose blood she’s covered in), the US military appear...who she makes short work of, and Erik learns from Hank that Jean killed Raven (like Hoult, Fassbender shows more emotion regarding Raven’s death than McAvoy/any of the other X-Men did).

Team Kill Jean later fights Team Save Jean, Erik’s refugee mutants are quite lame (braid-whips? REALLY?), there’s an unintentionally humorous moment with Jean force-walking Charles upstairs (like a puppet on strings), this time Magneto's on the receiving end of head-crushing helmets, Jean wants her power gone/Vuk's happy to oblige, they briefly team-up...until it's revealed this'll kill Jean, then government goons appear, capturing everyone. Turns out we've reached the film's climax without even realising it (it's THAT underwhelming). There's some semi-decent character moments: Charles FINALLY admits he's wrong to Hank, Erik switches sides AGAIN (his second-favourite pastime) and Nightcrawler gets royally p.o.’d when a government goon dies in the fight with Vuk's posse, unleashing his merciless side (‘BAMF-ing’ the one responsible into the path of the oncoming train). Jean offs all the aliens except Vuk, who finally gets what she wants from Jean...then wishes she hadn’t, as it kills her (and seemingly Jean as well).

In the end, we're just left with an overwhelming feeling of what was the point of all this? The idea of redoing the Phoenix storyline should've been to improve it, not make it WORSE (having the same person take another crack at it clearly didn't pay off when he obviously learned nothing from last time). Jessica Chastain's wasted as leader of THE MOST BORING ALIENS EVER, none of the new actors are a patch on the originals (even Fassbender's clearly had enough), and so the X-Men prequel quadrilogy ends not with a bang but a whimper (but, hey, at least they worked an F-bomb into each film...so yay? Wolverine's was funny, Charles' at least had a point, Erik's was unnecessary and Scott's one in this film feels forced). Truly disappointing. Vuk you, movie!

The BreaXfast Club.

This movie's already an improvement on X-Men: Dark Phoenix right from the opening voiceover provided by Blu Hunt's Dani Moonstar, as at least it isn't as dull/lifeless as Sophie Turner's was. She speaks of an old Native American proverb about us all having two bears inside us (one's all the 'good' things, one's all the 'evil') and they're forever duking it out over our souls. The snow falling nighttime setting, as Dani's fleeing with her farther from something big/scary, sets a different 'mood' to all the previous X-Men films, which I liked...though WHY does Adam Beach keep getting work? His bad acting stands out like a sore thumb. Thankfully, he doesn't last long and Dani wakes up in a hospital, greeted by a seemingly friendly doctor named Reyes (Alice Braga).

She soon meets others, starting with Rahne Sinclair (Maisie Williams, who's definitely the better of the two GoT actresses to star in an X-Men film and whose Scottish accent is less dodgy than Sophie Turner's American one). She's the first to befriend Dani by talking her out of offing herself. The chemistry between the two actresses is immediately evident. At the opposite end of the spectrum is Illyana Rasputin, who talks to a purple dragon hand-puppet called 'Lockheed' and slings pithy racist comments Dani's way (they're like the most 'tame' ones I imagine the writers could come up with for the character to say whilst keeping her from being completely loathsome. It's a testament to Anya Taylor-Joy's performance that despite her nastiness, she's also interesting/oddly likeable). The actors playing the two guys, Sam Guthrie and Roberto Da Costa, aren't given as much to work with as the three actresses, but they have their moments/we see they've got issues they're dealing with just like the others.

Rahne, who's SO OBVIOUSLY the wolf we see early in the film watching Dani (later running alongside her in wolf-form after Illyana's encouraged Dani to flee just so she can enjoy watching the 'new girl' as she calls her smack face-first into the magical barrier that's erected to keep everyone from leaving), was branded a witch (literally. We see the 'W' scar on her skin during her shower scene with Dani) by the priest that she 'came out' to regarding her wolfiness and now she's being haunted by his grisly torn-up-faced self. She's not the only one with ghosts-of-the-past resurfacing, as Sam's remembering how his power to blast himself around like a rocket (though he's called 'Cannonball') manifested, accidentally killing men including his father while they were working in the mines.

After Rahne, Sam's the next most friendly one to Dani, and although Charlie Heaton doesn't get a lot to do, he's still easily-likeable (the most frustrating thing is us not getting to see him blast off in all his glory very often). Roberto's actually the first one to act like a d-bag to Dani (not Illyana), as he laughs at her name. Consequently, he's not as likeable as Sam (who at times he appears to get along with, while other times...not so much). Naturally, he jumps at the chance to join Illyana in the pool at night, but it's soon revealed this isn't the real Illyana, but another manifestation...as is his extra-crispy-girlfriend-he-unintentionally-burned-with-his-Human-Torch-like-powers. Turns out his character is 'Sunspot', who was previously in DoFP (though that version was SO forgettable that this one's easily better by default).

Illyana's trauma is the most disturbing, as it seems she was held captive as a sex-slave by gangsters (who she says were always smiling...thus explaining why she sees unnaturally-slender-eyeless-sharp-toothed-but-*still*-well-dressed monster men who wear smiley-face masks tormenting her). She starts 'softening' towards Dani after a kind gesture from her (bringing Illyana's hand-puppet to her after she's stuck in solitary for fighting with Dani, claiming she was 'helping' her to manifest her powers...which remain a mystery). Illyana's power appears to be that she has a Witchblade (or at least something similar), armouring one arm, giving her a glowing blue sword and matching eyes, plus turning her hand-puppet into Spyro the Dragon. The way they worked in her codename ('Magik') was nicely-done, I thought.

Despite all these characters being deeply-flawed, I still liked them/seeing them 'bond'...which they do by taking polygraph tests. Eventually, they have to work together when it's revealed Reyes has been grooming them to become weapons rather than X-Men and intends to kill Dani at the behest of her 'superiors'...so it's just as well she's satisfyingly eaten by a giant demon bear who's manifested by Dani, as we learn she's unintentionally been bringing everyone's demons to life (that's her power). Everybody seems to hate the bear, but I thought it was at least more effective than albino Jessica Chastain or Smurfpocalypse (LEAVE SMOKEY ALONE! *ugly cries*). I personally didn't think the movie was THAT bad. I certainly liked it better than the last two X-Men films and was less bored watching it than Logan. I also liked this group of characters more than the teens in the previous films and appreciated this movie taking the time to 'breathe'/include all these 'character moments' in the first half of the film before things went cuckoo bananagrams crazy (it's similar to 2017's Power Rangers movie that way).

I was actually relieved that the movie had a minimal cast and was a self-contained/'smaller scale' story. It gave things a more 'intimate' feel. I also enjoyed the attempt to inject 'horror' elements (though apparently the film originally had more?) and the end credits music/illustrations of everyone. Naturally, there's those who dismiss the film as 'boring'. I guess I can add this to my ever-growing pile of movies *I* like that everyone else seems to hate. It's the type of movie best watched on a rainy day for maximum effect/'atmosphere'. And while I appreciate anyone who has the good taste to watch episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...WHY watch them out of order?! First they watch Season 5's 'The Body' and then later they watch Season 4's 'Hush'...that's no way to watch the show!

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)