Jokes

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.”

The man was very upset and yelled: “You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was up on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.”

The brother thought about it and apologized.

“So how’s Mom?” asked the man.

“Well, she’s up on the roof...”

An American nurse is working in a Scottish hospital and having real difficulty with the accents.

She’s instructed to go check on a patient who’s looking “a wee bit peely-wally.”

When she arrives at his bed, the pale, elderly gentleman grabs her arm and says, “Nairse, Nairse, aire me testicles black?”

She looks around, but no other staff are in sight.

Clinging to her arm, he persists: “Are me testicles black? Are me testicles black?”

Without further ado, the nurse does as she’s trained: she puts on gloves, lifts up the patient’s blanket, and checks each testicle in turn.

“They look fine,” she reassures him.

The patient stares at her, with eyes wide open. He clears his throat. “Thankee, nairse. That was very nice, ye ken. But please tell me — are me test results back?”

IN THE BEGINNING, when God had created the heavens and the earth, and the light and the darkness, and the waters, and the plants, He set about to create the animals to populate the earth.

First God created the cow. He said to the cow, “Today I have created you! You shall go to the field with the farmer all day long. You shall work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected. “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you.”

So God agreed.

Then God created the dog. God said to the dog, “Today I have created you! You shall sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you shall have to bark at them! I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog objected. “What? All day long I just sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!”

So God agreed.

Next God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “Today I have created you! Monkeys have to entertain people. You shall make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I will give you 20 years life span.”

The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back.”

So God agreed.

At last, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span.”

The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man… Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, the monkey gave you back 10 years; I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right, maybe give or take a few?”

God said, “Are you sure?” but man insisted, so God agreed.

And that’s why in our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best, and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer, and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And then, for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door, and bark at people!