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Jokes
Oct 29, 2018 20:26:07 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Oct 29, 2018 20:26:07 GMT
Injured Soldier: "I can't feel my legs!"
Doctor: "That's because your arms were blown off."
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2018 23:58:03 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Oct 31, 2018 23:58:03 GMT
The US general looked gravely around the table, at the other four military officers who were attending the top secret security meeting.
"Harry, Peter, Roger, Vladimir... I think we have a Russian mole in our midst."
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2018 0:00:59 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 1, 2018 0:00:59 GMT
"Ah, Pussy Galore? This is Bond, James Bond. The doctor at the clinic said I should ring up all of my previous partners and give them the bad news..."
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Jokes
Nov 1, 2018 2:10:48 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 1, 2018 2:10:48 GMT
The talent show judge looked up at the contestant and said: "When you said you were going to saw a woman in half, I thought you meant you were a magician!"
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Post by ant-mac on Nov 2, 2018 6:57:16 GMT
The passengers were relaxing in their deckchairs, when a voice came over the tannoy system.
"This is your new captain speaking. Welcome to Somalia Cruises!"
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Jokes
Nov 2, 2018 13:13:35 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 2, 2018 13:13:35 GMT
The MC at the terrorists' award ceremony said: "And the prize for this year's most effective suicide bomber goes to... Oh, he can't be with us this evening..."
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Post by ant-mac on Nov 3, 2018 5:50:11 GMT
The doctor stared into the eyes of the pregnant woman and shouted: "Push! Push! We've got no staff and the bed needs to be moved!"
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Jokes
Nov 3, 2018 6:29:56 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 3, 2018 6:29:56 GMT
The doctor looked down at his patient and said: "Before I tell you how the surgery went, I just want you to be aware of something. In my colleague's handwriting, the words 'tonsils' and 'genitals' look absolutely identical..."
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Post by James on Nov 3, 2018 18:38:07 GMT
Joker was playing baseball, and he told Harley to hit the BAT!
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Post by 🌵 on Nov 3, 2018 18:49:38 GMT
A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
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Post by BATouttaheck on Nov 4, 2018 2:32:45 GMT
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Jokes
Nov 5, 2018 13:47:10 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 5, 2018 13:47:10 GMT
Do you require a dog-walking service?
Call Kim's Korean Restaurant on 555 515 515.
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Jokes
Nov 5, 2018 13:47:26 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 5, 2018 13:47:26 GMT
Do you require a cat-grooming service?
Call Kim's Korean Restaurant on 555 515 515.
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Jokes
Nov 5, 2018 13:47:46 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 5, 2018 13:47:46 GMT
Do you require the services of an undertaker?
Call Kim's Korean Restaurant on 555 515 515.
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Jokes
Nov 5, 2018 13:48:09 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 5, 2018 13:48:09 GMT
For an elegant dining experience, visit the Mystic East Restaurant...
Formerly known as Kim's Korean Restaurant.
555 515 515.
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Post by James on Nov 6, 2018 21:19:00 GMT
What do you call satirical footwear?
A parody’s shoes.
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2018 22:33:50 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 6, 2018 22:33:50 GMT
And once again, Tiger Woods demonstrates to the world why he is considered to be such an elite athlete...
He's got his wood out and he's in a nasty bit of rough.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 3:01:19 GMT
Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and of course, a genie pops out. "What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"Well I travel a lot between the US and UK," says the guy. "But I'm scared of flying. It freaks me out every time. I wish there was a bridge across the Atlantic ocean."
"Do you have any idea how hard that's going to be?" asks the genie. "That's like three thousand miles! Billions of tons of concrete! Millions of tons of tarmac! Multiple power stations just to light the thing! Think of something else."
"Okay," says the guy. "I'd like to have a complete understanding of how women think."
"So this bridge, is two lanes okay or do you need four?"
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2018 3:26:39 GMT
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 3:26:39 GMT
So there's this little boy called Timmy, and his story is a very sad one, as he was born blind. Timmy tried ever so hard to live a full life despite this, but it was very difficult for him and often he was frustrated and sad. What made him especially sad was that thought that he would never see his mother's face, because Timmy loved her more than anything in the world, and although he had no idea what 'beauty' was, he was sure that his mother must be the most beautiful person in all the world because she was so kind and loving. One morning, when Timmy was nine years old, his mommy said to him "Timmy, tomorrow is a very, very special day. A magical day, really. You see, if you go to bed tonight making one wish just as hard as you can, over and over until you fall asleep, then in the night your wish will be granted!" Timmy was terribly excited by this, and spent all day rehearsing his wish. That night he begged his mommy to let him go to bed early just so he could do some extra wishing before he fell asleep, which she kindly did. Timmy he lay there for hour after hour, whispering "I wish, I wish, I wish my eyes would work properly, so that I can see just how beautiful and wonderful my mommy is, please please please..." over and over and over again, wishing just as hard as he could. Finally he fell asleep, with his wish the last thing he thought of before he drifted off. Well the morning came, a beautiful sunny morning. Timmy's mommy came and woke him up bright and early, calling "Timmy, darling! Today is the special day! Wake up, wake up!" And little Timmy woke up and bounced up in his bed, so happy to hear that the special day had come at last. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at his beloved monther. "But mommy!" He cried out in an agony that was so intense that it was almost physical, "I can't see you! I'm still blind!" "I know!" Said his mother excitedly. "APRIL FOOL!!!!"
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2018 11:16:28 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Nov 7, 2018 11:16:28 GMT
The talent show judge looked up at the contestant and said: "When you said you were going to ride a donkey, that's not what I thought you meant!"
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