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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 19, 2017 23:32:59 GMT
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 19, 2017 23:34:46 GMT
In case you missed it too.... check the top of the stairs.
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Post by koskiewicz on Dec 20, 2017 0:15:48 GMT
A woman at an upscale supermarket asked the employee, "Is this milk fresh?"
"Ma'am," the employee replied, "three hours ago it was grass."
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 20, 2017 16:06:31 GMT
A few older couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
“Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose, what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 20, 2017 16:38:14 GMT
MiketheMechanicThe rose joke took me a couple of reads to "get" but it was worth the wait !
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 20, 2017 16:40:47 GMT
What's a four letter word for HARD BUTTER ? GOAT What's a three letter word for HARD WATER ? ICE sorry (not )
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Jokes
Dec 20, 2017 16:53:07 GMT
Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 20, 2017 16:53:07 GMT
MiketheMechanic The rose joke took me a couple of reads to "get" but it was worth the wait ! Haha, older folks memory joke, thanks!
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klandersen
Sophomore
@klandersen
Posts: 882
Likes: 344
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Post by klandersen on Dec 20, 2017 17:16:56 GMT
Seen this one a few times. Recently got it in an email.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! THE BITCH!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 21, 2017 1:07:15 GMT
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Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 21, 2017 1:41:17 GMT
One liners:
I showed up late for work one day. My boss yelled at me, "You should have been here at 8:30!". I said "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
My poor cross-eyed teacher, he has trouble controlling his pupils.
I asked the gym instructor "Can you teach me to do splits?"
He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I can’t do Tuesdays."
My girlfriend just told me she doesn’t care what she gets for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it. A pack of playing cards it is then!
Got some extra sensitive toothpaste the other day. It gets really jealous if I use other toothpastes.
A friend has a lesbian couple living next to him. They just gave him a Rolex for his birthday. He really liked it but thinks they misunderstood when he said “I wanna watch”.
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 21, 2017 1:47:20 GMT
MiketheMechanic Those have a real Rodney Dangerfield feel to them. You got me again... I thought it was one long joke at first !
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Jokes
Dec 21, 2017 1:51:55 GMT
Post by MiketheMechanic on Dec 21, 2017 1:51:55 GMT
MiketheMechanic Those have a real Rodney Dangerfield feel to them. You got me again... I thought it was one long joke at first ! That was me at the holiday party today. Someone was telling a joke about two scientists that everyone seemed to get except me!
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Post by lenlenlen1 on Dec 21, 2017 21:51:43 GMT
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his own balls. The one guy says "I wish I could do that". The other guy responds "shouldn't you buy him a drink first?"
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 22, 2017 0:05:04 GMT
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 22, 2017 0:07:28 GMT
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ironjade
Sophomore
@ironjade
Posts: 183
Likes: 80
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Post by ironjade on Dec 22, 2017 13:13:59 GMT
"Is that the Sun or the Moon?" "I don't know, I don't live around here."
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Post by BATouttaheck on Dec 22, 2017 14:40:35 GMT
ironjade That one EXCELS, joke-wise ! Gonna send it to an astronomer buddy .
Hours later edit ... told it. next project : Looking for a friend I do not have to explain jokes to.
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Post by Nalkarj on Dec 22, 2017 23:01:38 GMT
Blonde joke!
A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a stool.
After he orders a drink and is sitting down for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The place suddenly becomes quiet.
The woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blond, and I’m 6’ tall pound blonde with a belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blond and is a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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Post by Nalkarj on Dec 24, 2017 3:26:24 GMT
In time for the season… (I’ve been trying to find a good one for Christmas.)
The three kings come to visit the newborn child in the manger. One of them slips on the straw and twists his ankle.
In pain, he screams out, “Jesus Christ!”
Mary looks questioningly at Joseph and says, “That actually sounds a lot better than ‘Bob,’ doesn’t it?”
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Post by BATouttaheck on Jan 2, 2018 18:11:50 GMT
Last Christmas Joke for Nalkarj ... maybe CHRISTMAS GROUP THERAPY
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