What TV show did you last watch a season of on DVD/Blu-ray?

Welcome back, crazy show that looks to be even crazier this season. One thing that'll never change - the Jughead voiceover.  He recaps what happened last season, it’s currently summer in the show, which means sweatiness and more excuses for Archie shirtlessness than ever before! I think this had to be a record for the most Archie shirtlessness ever (and not just him, but most of the other male characters in the show too). Though he doesn't start off that way - first time we see him this episode is during his trial. He's being charged with killing that store clerk, Cassidy (who I imagine most people were struggling to even remember, since he was such a minor character who was only in one episode), that was robbing the Lodge Lodge last season - why does no one point out that Cassidy and his friends were robbing the place, looking like they were going to pull a Negan from TWD when the core four were told to get down on their knees as a baseball bat was being wielded about? Funny how that little detail gets ignored.

Anyway, Archie's dressed like he's auditioning for Bond or going to the prom or something in a suit and bowtie (who the hell wears a bowtie to court? Furthermore, would they really let Jughead wear his stupid beanie in court?). Also, his mum is defending him - can lawyers even act as council to someone they're related to? That sounds iffy. Even more iffy is the prosecuting attorney, Ms. Wright (played by Penelope Ann Miller), and her case against Archie. She lists the things he's done, but doesn't really have any evidence that he offed Cassidy. It's more like "Archie Andrews has done some questionable stuff...and that means he MUST be the murderer!". Though Archie's mum, Mary, and her defense isn't much better, basically just saying Archie's a good kid and would never kill anyone. 

It was funny that when they took a break, everyone lost sight of Archie - is someone who's on trial for murder really just allowed to wander off like that? Anyway, the other three members of the core four find him and he's reminiscing about a swimming hole that he, Betty and Jughead used to go to every summer, but Bughead stopped going after they got covered in leeches one time. I was morbidly amused that upon hearing this, Veronica said that she'd like to go swimming there (apparently she really wants that full-on leech experience). They go back into court, the jury hasn't reached a verdict, Archie's got the weekend and Labor Day (hence the episode title) to spend time with his friends and family, then once they leave the courtroom again, Veronica's dad is there to make a snide remark and consequently gets a well-deserved (and long-time-coming) punch to the face from Archie's dad. I think I'm going to have to start using the adult characters' actual names this season, as it was getting pretty tricky with previously typing 'so-and-so's dad/mum' all the time and it being clear who I meant. Fred punches Hiram - huzzah! 

At Pop's, the gang discuss going in search of the gun that Replacement Smithers (aka Andre - who is now dead Andre, after he got offed at the end of last season) used to kill Cassidy, and why are they only now deciding to go in search of it with metal detectors? Too late for that, apparently, as Archie seems to have already given up and is pretty convinced he's going to jail, so he doesn't want to spend his remaining free time....trying to prove his innocence? Thankfully, Cheryl enters the scene (I appreciate that her entrances always involve her signature slow-mo), and since it's stinking hot, she's wearing...not much, but does wear her specially-made red leather Serpent jacket in summer. She must really love that thing. Apparently she's been cross-country motorcycle riding with Toni and is having an end-of-summer pool party. I liked that she exited the scene with a cheery "Toodles!" just like she did when leaving the hospital in the first episode of last season. 



Later at the pool party, I also appreciated the fact that although there was a lot of male shirtlessness this episode, at least there was some females-in-swimwear on display to balance things out a bit. New Reggie (who I guess I can now simply call 'Reggie', since he's outlasted Original Reggie on the show) has become such tight buds with Archie that he says he's leaving the football team's (and part-time Shirtless Army Red Circle Dark Circle vigilante group) leadership in Reggie's capable hands...but no funny (Circle) business! That Circle crap is donezo! After her impressive pool party entrance, Cheryl tells Toni she's sad about the fact that she can't help out Archie after he saved her life (glad to hear she still hasn't forgotten about his ice-punching rescue of her). 



Archie gets a new Serpent tattoo (so that means he's a member now? But he didn't even have to get the crap beaten out of him or do an inappropriate pole dance!). I guess the Serpents are now living in some sort of shanty town. Despite Jugdad (yes, I'm going to keep calling him that, as I prefer it to 'FP') saying he was done with the Serpents, he's still living with them and doing Serpent tattoos/offering Archie advice about finding Serpents to hang with if he winds up going to jail. Archie also spends what free time he has finishing rebuilding that shitbox he bought last season to fix up with his dad. It's no longer a shitbox...but it also looks like it would come off second best should it get into a crash with pretty much anything else (such as another car, a tree, a deer, etc). But it's father/son bonding time, so whatever. Archie says to Betty that if he does indeed end up going to jail, he wants her to keep an eye on his dad and invite him over for dinner occasionally because he'll be all alone (hey, that's not true! Have you forgotten Vegas the dog already, Archie? You a-hole). When the car's finally finished, the core four go for a ride in the Archiemobile to the leech-infested swimming hole for a swim and hang out together by the fire (in summer), which is probably the last time they're all going to hang out together for quite a while because Archie's convinced he's going to jail. Has there ever been another 'teen' seemingly so against proving their own innocence and preventing themselves from going to jail as Archie Andrews? 

The gang's last-ditch effort at helping out their friend who doesn't want any help is for Veronica to go have a word with at least one member of the jury. However, she gets caught by her mum who gives her an earful about it. Hermione's dialogue was really weird here and I wasn't sure if I was even hearing it correctly, as Veronica calls her dad a monster (she begged him to fix all this earlier on, but he just kept refusing to, and by episode's end he revealed the reason behind him doing all this was because she 'chose' Archie over him. How insecure/petty must he be? Answer: very) and says her mum's just a trophy wife, then Hermione says Hiram would never harm his daughter...but she can't say the same for herself - so she's threatening her daughter with harm? She then reckons she's he's prisoner, but not his puppet. I don't think that really matters to Veronica, since her mum just basically threatened her with physical violence and the only thing preventing her from following through on that threat is Veronica's dad. I'm not sure if I somehow misinterpreted what she was saying, but assuming I understood correctly, this certainly didn't paint Hermione in a good light. And here I thought she'd made progress after the end of last season. 

Betty's not having any fun with her mum either, as Alice has been sucked in by Polly's cult and keeps yammering on about the leader of that group named Edgar, who thinks it would be a wise idea to burn all of Betty's journals. Naturally, Betty is against that idea and defends her journal-keeping (I was amused when she said it was perfectly normal, as it immediately made me think of Elena from The Vampire Diaries and her diary/journal-keeping). Polly's now cuckoo for cocoa puffs and ratting out Betty for making up a psychiatrist/forging Adderall prescriptions for herself. They want her to be all "I LOVE the Leader Edgar!" along with them, but she's not down for that. 

Something *I* wasn't down for was hearing that the Ghoulies had snatched Hot Dog, the Serpents' pooch who Jughead complained about having to take care of after just one day, so in theory the Ghoulies should've had enough of him after a short space of time too and given him back, but as if to prove just how ghoulish they actually are, we hear that they haven't been feeding the poor doggie and he's gotten skinny. Jughead, in one of those rare instances where I actually like him, mounts a rescue mission. Betty reminds him that last time he went into Ghoulie territory, he wound up mostly dead, but he doesn't care. And just like Jughead won't listen to her, she doesn't have to listen to him when he says he doesn't want her to come along, she insists that she is coming along, and since he asked her to become his 'Queen' in last season's final, she gets to do what she wants. 

When they see poor Hot Dog tied to a post, Jughead goes to free him and then Penny Peabody appears (she just won't be gotten rid of, it seems), saying that taking the pooch was just an elaborate ruse to get Jughead to come to them. She's backed up by the Ghoulies, but Jughead has backup of his own - in the form of Cheryl, who shoots one of the Ghoulies in the shoulder with an arrow (this is the second time she's provided backup for Jughead against them. They really should've learned their lesson by now). I liked Jughead's threat about how Cheryl never misses and telling her to aim her next arrow at Penny. Before that, though, I also liked Cheryl preventing Betty from running headlong into trouble when she thought Jughead was in danger. I love it every time she calls Betty 'cousin'. Even Penny knows not to chance it with Riverdale's Red Arrow, so she lets Jughead and Hot Dog go along with the rest of his crew, but not before saying he's now made the Northside up for grabs. 



Dilton Doiley (who annoys me not only because of his name, but also the fact that he gives off a creeper vibe) continues to annoy me when he goes to blabber something to Jughead about a 'Gargoyle King' (at least I think that's what he said, he was hard to understand). By episode's end, it appears he wasn't so crazy after all and there is some weird ritual crap going on. It's even possible that Dilton was sacrificed (along with some other student who I didn't know/recognise) in the name of this Gargoyle King. And that's not even the craziest part. More crazy is Archie accepting a deal offered by Ms. Wright where he's going to spend two years in juvenile detention (instead of prison) if he pleads guilty to manslaughter. He ignores his mum the lawyer (which even the judge points out to him), who had told him she was going to work something out/there were other options, but his reasoning is he doesn't want to put his friends/family 'through this again' (but you're cool with putting them through you going to juvie for two years and all that entails, Archie?). Forget all his friends and family shedding tears over his stupid arse being taken away, the absolute SADDEST part of the episode was that just before all this happened, he said goodbye to Vegas the dog (who was left home by his lonesome, sitting in front of the door and waiting patiently for Archie to return) and then after all this^ happens, we see him still waiting at home for Archie to return and he's making sad noises. You broke Vegas's heart, Archibald! This is worse than any crime you've been convicted of, you thoughtless bastard! 



The craziest part of this already crazy episode, however, is Betty walking out her backdoor to witness her mum and sister (along with other members of the Polly's cult) performing some kind of weird ritual dance or whatever whilst holding Polly's twins over a fire. I was positive they weren't going to show the twins actually being dropped into the fire (even though it would obviously have been a hallucination) and, sure enough, they don't. You see them start to fall, Betty cries out, but then the twins start floating upwards. Apparently they possess the power of levitation - either that or Betty's tripping. It's mostly likely the second option, since she then collapses and starts having what looks like a seizure as her creepy cultish mum runs over to her. I'd heard the show got pretty 'out there' in its later seasons, but I wasn't quite expecting this. While it seems some viewers were put off by the show seemingly delving into the supernatural, I for one actually don't mind it. This series was already pretty bonkers, so I say let's see just how much more bonkers it can get!

Archie goes to juvie, is hosed and has talcum powder thrown on him (which reminded me of Tyler Hoechlin's shot in the opening credits of the TV series Teen Wolf). Then he's stuck in a cell with a guy named 'Mad Dog' (when Archie said it, I was totally expecting the dude to respond, "Mad Dog? I hate that name. I hate it! You hear? Nobody calls me 'Mad Dog', especially not some duded-up, egg-suckin' gutter trash!", but instead he's just not one for conversation) who probably made Archie feel very inferior (despite all the push-ups and other shirtless working out he does). When Archie goes out to the prison yard and shows his fresh Serpent tattoo to other Serpents (just like Jugdad advised him to), Kevin’s old b/f (Joaquin) appears and says that he has to earn their protection. To do that, he has to go shiv a Ghoulie. Of course, Archie being Archie, he refuses. Sometime later, Archie gets grabbed by some Ghoulies who're holding a grudge against him since he set them up to get caught by the police during the drag-race last season, so they beat him up and steal his sneakers (bet he wished he had that shiv now. And what are they going to do with his sneakers? Are we to believe that even though those guys are bigger than Archie, they just happen to wear the same size shoes as him?). 

Veronica (who seems to be the only one who bothers coming to visit poor Archie. Thanks, dad. Thanks, Bughead) notices Archie's sitting weirdly (is that supposed to suggest he became someone's bitch?) and that he's missing his sneakers. He asks how her progress with the new speakeasy at Pop's and her taking over his spot as Student Body President at school are coming along (oh yeah, I'd forgotten Archie won that school election and was interrupted/arrested before he could actually enjoy it in last season's final). Veronica's been working at Pop's and having to deal with Cheryl, who wants Archie's position as School President. When Veronica confronts her about it, it just so happens to be when she's in her sexy red lingerie in the locker room. This seems to happen on more than one occasion, as previously Betty threatened Cheryl in the same place and also while she was in her lingerie. Although Cheryl claims to sympathise (up to a point) with Veronica and the fact that her b/f is locked up, she also says she needs the presidency for her college applications.



I was morbidly amused when Betty asked her mum and Polly whether Polly's twins were okay in a moderately concerned tone at breakfast. Firstly, if they really did get thrown in the fire, Betty...I don't think they'd be 'fine' in any sense of the word. And secondly, I would think that if you really truly believed you'd just witnessed your mum and sister throwing your niece and nephew into a fire...you'd be a little more freaked out. Of course, since Polly has managed to suck Alice into her cult, she's now spouting hippy-dippy BS at Betty while Polly is making out that what Betty saw was just a hallucination and that's why she collapsed/had a seizure. You know what would be the biggest twist EVER? If those twins really are dead and every time Betty asks about them (like she did in this scene), her mum or Polly just come up with some excuse why she hasn't seen nor heard them at all. As weird as this show is, I highly doubt they'd ever actually BBQ infants. But hey...surprise me, show. Surprise me!

I was also amused by Veronica later bringing Archie brand new shiny blue & yellow sneakers, which he responded to by trying to hide them (like he's thinking, "Thanks for the gift, Ronnie, but this'll just be interpreted as me saying to the guys who kicked my ass last time, "Please, sir, I want some more ass-whoopin!" and these brand new shoes will be gone in seconds."). Reggie is there also. Veronica's confident Archie is going to be strutting out of juvie in no time. Alas, that isn't actually the case. She gets mad at Cheryl when she stops by the retro diner (which Veronica bought from her dad last season) on account of her continued pursuit of the class presidency, and then says she's banning her from coming there anymore (on what grounds? General bitchiness?). Cheryl tells Veronica to channel her rage not into attacking her, but instead something more productive. She's found an organisation called the 'Innocence Project' which helped her out when she was accused of murdering her brother, so maybe it could help Veronica with freeing Archie. 

Meanwhile, Dilton Doiley is in fact dead after that weird ritual display Jughead found him involved with last episode, but the other guy (Ben - who was the dude Miss Grundy was last giving 'music lessons' to before she was offed at the start of last season) survived. Apparently they'd done some weird ritualistic game thing involving drinking from chalices that were poisoned or something. I was struggling to follow this whole storyline, especially when it got even more complicated due to Ethel being involved with it (she claims Ben is her b/f, but Bughead eventually discover that was just part of some sort of game they were involved in. I guess it was something like D&D?). Then there's a new character introduced named Evelyn who seems to lurk around the place, giving off creeper vibes. Really, I found this whole plotline in the episode to be pretty blah. The only mildly interesting part was when Bughead went out to the woods and encountered what I guess is meant to be the 'Gargoyle King' - which looked like some big tree demon with a skull on top and covered in blood. If we start seeing Bughead slaying demons...then things might get a bit more interesting, but so far I'm just not that into it (just like Kevin discovers Moose is just not that into him and even resorts to stalkerish behaviour by joining the same club as Moose, despite having been told numerous times to back off). 

I had to roll my eyes at Archie delivering a big speech to all the guys in the prison yard (I honestly expected most of them to just either ignore him or get bored and return to whatever it was they were doing. Archie doesn't exactly have a 'commanding presence', after all). Miraculously, they all actually listen to what he has to say, as he wants them all to have a football game with everyone intermingled (no Serpents vs Ghoulies - though, really, how could he possibly have ensured that they wouldn't just start fighting with each other anyway, even if he mixed up the teams?) and the 'MVP' gets his brand new sneakers. Again I ask...are we supposed to buy that Archie's nifty new footwear is 'one size fits all'? Anyway, they have a game, then Veronica, Cheryl, Josie and the rest of the cheerleaders show up to cheer them on and sing 'Jailhouse Rock' as they do so. It was a fun scene.



However, things take a turn for the worse when Hiram shows up, Veronica tells him off for what he's putting Archie through, and his response - naturally - is to make Archie's life even harder by nodding to the warden who releases guards to come beat everyone up, including Archie. He's just not having a real good time in juvie. Too bad he took that deal in court instead of listening to his mum the lawyer. To top things off, Mad Dog (who Archie was starting to become friends with) is reported to have died during the prison ambush - even though he wasn't there. It's later revealed he was someone the warden was using, and now apparently Archie's going to fill that position after he's informed that he has been 'tapped'. The one question I have about the ambush - how is it that Veronica, Cheryl, Josie or any of the other cheerleaders didn't have a single phone between them that they could've used to film what really happened? You call yourself 'teens'! Phfft. No self-respecting teens go anywhere without their phones!

None of the storylines this episode particularly interested me, and I especially think it's ridiculous that now we're supposed to buy that all the parents of the main 'teen' characters in the show have some big secret they share between them that's seemingly going to play a part in this whole 'Gargoyle King' storyline. There's been no suggestion of anything like this previously, so yet again it appears the writers are pulling things out of their arses. It also feels way too convenient that only the parents of the main 'teens' in the show seem to be involved with this. No other lesser-known adults could've played a part as well? The episode ends with Ben speaking crazy-talk as he sits on a windowsill and Bughead aren't able to do anything to prevent him from splattering himself below (sounded like he landed on a car, I think). Oh, and earlier on Ethel experienced a seizure (like Betty did). I'm not fussed on her character, so I'm hoping she soon joins Dilton and Ben.

The following episode begins with Archie stuck in a box/solitary confinement, refusing to do what the warden wants him to until the warden gets sick of playing The Waiting Game and just simply kidnaps Archie. After he removes the burlap sack from Archie's head, his hair looks like he's received a shock - which he has, in a manner of speaking, as he looks upon 'the pit' - ie. a fight club where prisoners fight other prisoners (it reminded me of 'The Ring' episode from Season 1 of Angel, where Angel was forced to be part of a fight club too...except that one involved demons. Considering the crazy stuff that's occurred so far this season, I don't think it would be out of the realm of possibility for Archie to be fighting demons. There's already a tree demon, after all). He refuses to take part until the warden threatens Kevin's old Serpent b/f, Joaquin. Archie then befriends some other members of the fight club, who're keeping up the tradition of weird-named individuals in Riverdale. There's 'Baby Teeth', 'Thumper' and 'Peter' (). Every time Archie's taken to the pit, he gets the burlap sack treatment, then when he fights his first opponent, he easily knocks the guy out with a single punch. Apparently this earns Archie some 'perks' - such as being asked what he wants for lunch. He gets the warden to order food from Pop's (I thought maybe he'd order something odd to get a coded message to Betty or Veronica...but nope. This is Archie, after all) and not only for himself, but for his new fight club buddies too. 

Apparently only Veronica, Reggie and a hallucination of his dad can be bothered visiting Archie in juvie. When he snaps back to reality after having an entire conversation with Hallucination Dad (during which Archie never even bothered asking about Vegas the dog. That jerk!), the warden basically tells him the people want a show and not to end the fights so damn quickly. Clearly, Archie never watched Gladiator. He does get his "Are you not entertained?!" moment later on, though, when he lets his opponent get in a few licks until deciding he's had enough of that and knocking the guy out. More 'perks' include receiving a bottle of rum (I totally wanted Archie to clarify "Like the alcohol?" again, as that cracked me up when he said it last season). However, it's Hiram Lodge's rum and Archie gets very mad at the fact that he didn't know what Hiram meant when he asked him if he wanted rum that time. Or maybe he's just pissed at Hiram. That's probably more likely. Anyway, he throws the bottle at the cell bars and trashes the room (good job, Archie. Guess who's going to have to clean that up). Though his tantrum does unearth one useful thing - a book with a secret little rock hammer inside. He tells his buds that he's planning to escape (considering the size of that rock hammer, he shouldn't really be getting their hopes up). Joaquin wants in (this is the same guy who ratted Archie out to the other Serpent inmates and told him that if he wanted protection, he had to shiv a Ghoulie). 

That's^ Archie's storyline for this episode out the way, while Veronica's consists of her opening the speakeasy after Betty asks about it and Veronica admits to her that it has been ready to open for some time, but she held off doing so because she was hoping Archie would be there for it. Since she's got bills up the wazoo and needs to make money fast, Betty tells her to get on with it. I was amused that when Veronica does eventually open the speakeasy, Kevin and Josie try to enter, Reggie asks them for the password which they don't know, so they just say whatever and Reggie lets them in. Veronica wants Josie to be her chanteuse (and she's all too happy to try out her new solo music), while Kevin is appointed emcee. Veronica gets called upstairs when Penny Peabody pays her a visit, wanting money for 'protection', but Veronica knows the only thing she'd need protection from is Penny and her Ghoulies. She threatens the diner, then later Veronica and Reggie are delivered boxes that they discover contain the jingle-jangle drug and of course that's when Replacement Sheriff pays them a visit. Veronica tries to stall while Reggie gets rid of the drugs, Replacement Sheriff finds nothing (despite his best efforts) and it's clear this was a set-up with Penny and Veronica's dad. 

Veronica goes looking for Jughead at the Southside trailer park, but finds Toni photographing Cheryl, who's looking like a damn QUEEN whilst perched on that couch (and not just because of the Jughead crown behind her). Veronica wants to find something to use against her dad, and Toni informs her that Jughead discovered over the summer the Ghoulies run a drug lab in the basement of the old Serpent bar that Hiram bought from Veronica in exchange for Pop's last season. Toni also knows the secret way of getting into there. It amuses me that whenever Veronica's either going a rescue mission (like last season, when she and Toni went to save Cheryl from the loony bin) or is breaking and entering (like in this case), her choice of attire remains the same and as booby/impractical as ever.





The trio takes photos of the drug lab, which Veronica presents to her dad, saying she's not paying Penny 'protection money' and wants him to back off or she's going to have the photos (of which she's made copies) sent not to his lapdog, Replacement Sheriff, but rather to the FBI. She also asks for $10,000 a week in perpetuity. Later, after the club has officially opened, Hiram stops by with that creepy portrait of his daughter that he liked to look at creepily, Veronica's worked out that he's already moved his drug lab elsewhere and her dad's all, "What drug lab?" (I'm pretty sure that sort of response is reserved for kids who've been caught stealing something and not Mafia bosses, Hiram). 

The most annoying storyline this episode, though, was poor Bughead being stuck investigating this whole 'Gargoyle King' business. While their parents have been gettin' it on (ew), Bughead have been hanging out in dead Dilton's bunker. They mention the weird game he and dead Ben were involved in called Gryphons and Gargoyles - or G&G (they're not even trying to hide that it's just D&D with a different name). Basically, they do some sleuthing, discover that creepy Evelyn from Polly's cult farm is somehow involved, Ethel (who didn't join Dilton and Ben in death, sadly) is chained to a bed and on suicide watch, spouting crap about the Gargoyle King's scripture and spreading his gospel, she's clearly got a crush on Jughead (though that doesn't stop her from blackmailing him if he blabs about the game to anyone), he wants to find out what's involved with the game, learns there's a manual, Jughead is then invited by Ethel to test his 'worthiness', but she's a total bitch to Betty, saying that she'll 'never be worthy' - which takes on a double-meaning, as clearly what she's really saying is "I'm totally gonna make the moves on your boyfriend who you don't deserve, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"...and indeed she does, after poor Jughead's forced to play the game (which is as boring as hell to watch, so I can only imagine how mind-numbing it must've been for him to participate in), has to risk drinking a chalice with poison in it, but (of course) survives, only to probably wish he had drunk from the poisoned chalice, as Ethel then blackmails him into snogging her, saying she won't give him the manual until he does so.

So, after that^ unpleasantness (seriously, Ethel's so desperate. I get the feeling that although she maintained last episode Ben was her b/f not in the game, but in real life...that actually wasn't the case. She seems like the type who tells themselves whatever they want to believe. Hell, I wouldn't put it past her to brag to Betty about the snogging, like she thinks it means she's now got a shot with Jughead or something. Clearly he was on a mission and I'm sure he just thought to himself "Let's get this shit over with."), Bughead bring the manual to their parents, who they have been able to work out know more about the game than they're letting on, but they just burn it (I imagine Jughead was thinking something along the lines of, "Damn it, dad, I had to kiss Ethel frickin' Muggs' to get that! Totally not worth it!"). Betty was already pissed at her mum because she'd shared all of their deepest darkest secrets with Polly's cult farm (including the murder of the shady guy by Chic and the coverup - which not only were Betty and Alice a part of, but also Jughead and his dad). This doesn't really improve their mother/daughter relationship. Not to worry, though, the following day, it appears EVERYONE at school has a G&G manual! Except it's probably not such a good thing if it means getting involved with a crazy cult that worships a tree demon and causes people to off themselves. Oops.

When Jughead's voiceover was talking about the Gryphons & Gargoyles manuals/rulebooks that everyone had received in their lockers at the end of the previous episode, saying "For every manual confiscated, two popped up in its place.", it immediately made me think of Hydra. It was odd seeing Hermione in a classroom, as I'd momentarily forgotten that she was the mayor now. Anyway, she bans the G&G game, but as Veronica points out to her mum later on, banning something just makes it more interesting to people...and they wants it! While Hermione had warned the students about what the game could do, even if she'd come right out and said "THIS GAME MAKES YOU KILL YOURSELF!", I don't think it would've done any good. It's funny when Cheryl mentions how 'some' (meaning her) people are shepherds and not sheep, considering what happens at the very end of the episode, but before that, Betty makes a trip to the morgue where she scores a file that is evidence of another mysterious death (like dead Dilton's and dead Ben's) and outright asks her mum WTF is the deal with this D&D knock-off game. I was amused that they changed up the title card for the show, replacing it with a Saved by the Bell-style version (I mean, I never even watched that show, but I still got what it was referencing).



So, the deal with the flashback that the majority of this episode takes place in is that the actors and actresses who play the main 'teens' in the show get to play the 'teen' versions of their characters' parents - ie. Lili Reinhart is playing 'teen' Alice Cooper (while adult Alice is narrating this whole flashback - HA! Take that, Jughead voiceover!), K.J. Apa is playing 'teen' Fred Andrews, Camila Mendes is playing 'teen' Hermione Lodge, etc. While all the actors/actresses look varying degrees of different to their own characters that they play (Veronica's mum certainly doesn't have her daughter's fashion sense, the only thing different about Jughead and his dad as a 'teen' is that his dad has slicked back hair in place of a stupid beanie, while Archie's dad does bear an uncanny resemblance to Luke Perry during his Beverly Hills, 90210 days), the two who look the most different are Lili Reinhart as 'teen' Alice and Madelaine Petsch as 'teen' Penelope Blossom - I was amused when she asked for the girls' hall passes in the ladies toilets and Teen Alice's response to that which led to them getting into a physical altercation (it also showed that adult Alice had that slap coming back in Season 1 of the show).




While that's^ going on, Teen Jugdad (I'm not calling him 'Teen FP' ) is being pressured by Reggie's 'teen' dad to streak through the school halls as is apparently the tradition for the football team. He refuses until Archie's 'teen' dad offers to do it with him. They go through with it, but consequently wind up in detention...which just so happens to be where the four girls from the scuffle in the toilets wind up too. And so, this flashback becomes a rather blatant rip-off of 'homage' to The Breakfast Club. And if it wasn't already obvious, they even get Anthony Michael Hall (who was in that movie) to guest star as the principal. He lays down the detention rules, and then promptly leaves. I'll never understand this way of doing detention. How can any adult ever expect 'teens' to honour the rules of detention when they're left alone? Has ANYONE in the history of EVER actually done that? 



Well, this crew don't say much to each other for a couple of hours...so I guess they've come the closest to obeying the rules of detention. However, that changes when Teen Alice breaks the rules by carving her initials into the windowsill with a knife, Teen Fred tells her to stop, then Kevin's 'teen' dad, Tom, sneaks into detention to snog Josie's 'teen' mum, Sierra. Teen Fred wonders how he didn't know these two were a thing, and Teen Penelope says because their cliques 'don't cross-pollinate'. After Teen Tom is gone, Teen Sierra suggests a game of 'Secrets and Sins' to pass the time. She reveals her being with Teen Tom is a secret because their parents don't like them dating 'different' people (this whole episode proved that the actress who plays Josie isn't the problem, as the character of Teen Sierra was interesting. It's the character of Josie who's the problem, as she is equal parts boring/annoying. So, it was good to see the actress playing a character who didn't annoy me too much). Teen Hermione has been seeing Teen Hiram who Teen Penelope accuses of being a criminal, but Teen Hermione believes he's her ticket out of Riverdale. One person who doesn't want to get out of Riverdale, however, is Teen Fred who is juggling being a football player and a musician, but can see himself one day becoming mayor - which Teen Hermione scoffs at (HA-HA, future references!). Teen Alice's secret (not including the fact that she found out earlier she was pregnant in the ladies toilets) is that she lit a dumpster on fire in the Southside - which Teen Jugdad calls her out on, but then she turns the tables on him and brings up the fact that he actually lives in the Southside. That's not his big secret, though. Rather it's that he doesn't want to become a Serpent, instead wanting to be the first member in his family to go to college, and so his dad beats him (which is how he wound up with his arm currently in a cast).

You think that's^ bad? Wait until you hear Teen Penelope's story - which she starts off with a declaration of "The Blossoms, they are terrible people." (yeah, and you're going to join them/tell us something we don't know!). She wasn't born a Blossom, but instead was brought up in the orphanage/loony bin we know so well. The Blossoms wanted to see all the redheaded kids, picked her out, then raised her as Clifford Blossom's sister until that changed into them grooming her to be his 'life companion' (ew). She's happy to spend any time away from them she can get, but when asked why she doesn't leave, she answers because they're her 'family'. Teen Hermione calls out the incest of it all, which leads to Teen Penelope insulting her mum who cleans hotel toilets, then they're at it again, fighting, which lands everyone in more detention (four Saturdays' worth of it). And so it is, through the magic of make-believe detention, that they all slowly become friends instead of just resenting each other even more than they already did (which would've been the more likely scenario, I would've thought. Especially those who weren't part of the fighting). Teen Alice adds all her new buddies' initials to the windowsill she'd already vandalised, while Teen Hermione breaks into the teacher's desk to take back stuff of hers that had been confiscated, while also finding other students' stuff...plus the manual for Gryphons & Gargoyles. DUN!

Naturally, they start playing the game. Teen Penelope's the dungeon master 'game master', Teen Alice is 'the Sorceress', Teen Hermione's 'the Thief', Teen Sierra's 'the Siren', Teen Jugdad's 'the Deadeye' and Teen Fred's 'the 'Radiant Knight' (). They really get into it, Teen Penelope sends them on quests, coupling Teen Alice and Teen Fred together and Teen Hermione and Teen Jugdad together. Poor Teen Sierra's left behind with Teen Penelope and I was sure there was going to be some action between them...but, sadly, there apparently wasn't (if there had been, it would've meant that on top of everything else she is...adult Penelope would be a hypocrite, considering how against Cheryl being with girls she is). When Teen Sierra asks why she coupled them that way, we see it's very much a case of like mother like daughter with the Blossoms. 



The 'chaos' that ensues is Teen Jugdad trying to snog Teen Hermione and her not being interested while Teen Alice breaks down and almost confesses her pregnancy to Teen Fred, but then decides against it. They end up snogging, though, while at the same time Teen Jugdad's confessing to Teen Hermione he's got feelings for Teen Alice after having been playing G&G with her so much. "Then what the hell was that almost kissing me about?!" is what Teen Hermione should've asked, but instead she just advises Teen Jugdad to go for it with Teen Alice. Uh-oh. Teen Penelope, you diabolical -- Cut back to the 'present' and Betty's shocked her mum snogged Archie's dad. I love Alice's reason/excuse for why it happened - "We were young, attractive, in the same room" (yep, that's all that's required for two people to get it on). We flashback again, and as if to illustrate just how addictive the game really is, they don't only play it when they're in detention...they actually sneak into the classroom (after Teen Sierra left a window open earlier in the day) to play the game late at night (hence why they call themselves the 'Midnight Club'), eventually abandoning the game board altogether and venturing out into the empty halls of the school whilst dressed in costumes (Teen Jugdad even gets to wear a crown which resembles the one Jughead's comic book counterpart wears), which is when they run into Kevin's dad, Reggie's dad, dead Dilton's dad and Teen Hiram Lodge, who've evidently been playing the game too. 



After some bickering, they join forces to play an even BIGGER game, then one day at school they all find invitations in their lockers to an 'ascension party' in the detention room to see if they can 'rise to the challenge and ascend to the next level of the game'. Apparently it involves them finding a couple of chalices (chalices are just the BEST, aren't they?) and flipping a coin to see which one they drink from (unless, of course, chalices are poisoned...and then they're not so fun). They party on and Teen Hiram's brought along with him a new drug called 'fizzle rocks', which everyone partakes in except Teen Alice (because of her pregnancy). Dead Dilton's dad compliments Teen Penelope on the ascension party, assuming she was behind it because she's the dungeon master game master, but she denies that she's responsible. Teen Alice isn't in the partying mood...mostly because she feels sick. Once she's barfed in the ladies toilets, she finds two chalices, a coin and the words 'flip for your fate' scribbled on the walls. Thankfully, she's smart enough not to do as the creepy toilet message instructs and runs out of there, almost running into the principal, but manages to avoid him. She does, however, run into the Gargoyle King, runs and hides, calling for her new buddies...but they're completely useless and don't come to help her. DUN DUN!!

The following day, she looks for her useless new buddies and still can't find them anywhere until she bumps into Teen Hermione who says Teen Fred's dad died last night and he wasn't there with him when it happened on account of being high on fizzle rocks. They all gather together in a booth at the retro diner (that's probably not 'retro' at this point in time) and discuss the fact that the principal's been missing. Teen Alice reveals that she saw him at the school at night, while Teen Penelope tells her that she didn't see nothin' and makes everyone promise to keep their mouths shut lest they get into strife for being in the school after dark...and, oh yeah, HIGH. A week passes and they eventually stumble across the principal, dead as a doornail, locked in a supply closet. They meet to discuss who was responsible, considering the principal's lips were blue and Teen Alice notes that the chalices she saw in the ladies toilets had blue liquid in them. Various accusations are thrown at different members of the club, but after each one of them maintains their innocence, eventually they settle on destroying all evidence of the game so nothing can be traced back to them, then make a pact (complete with spit in palms - how hygienic! While it wouldn't surprise me most would do that, it's funny to think of Cheryl's mum doing it) to never speak of the game again. And so the Midnight Club disbands and goes back to ignoring each other (except for the couples who're involved, of course).

End of flashback! Betty's thinking, "Shit, that was a long-ass story. Speaking of asses, mine's gone to sleep. Thanks, mom."...or maybe she's thinking about what the poison was that killed the principal. Alice has no answer for that. Betty's now thinking, "So, this was all just an excuse to reminisce about your youth when you were a hotter grungy version of me with great hair and the parents of my friends were different to how they seem now...yet they looked exactly like us, which is weird, and how you were really into Jughead's dad, which you would've gone into even more detail about if I hadn't stopped you and you can't even give me any USEFUL INFORMATION?!"...or maybe she's thinking that someone from the Midnight Club used the game when her mum played it to kill the principal and now that same someone's using the game to off people in the present day. Alice makes her daughter promise not to play the game and Betty's all, "Phfft, only an idiot would play that game...sorry, mom." before searching for Jughead at school the next day, only to find him - along with Cheryl, Toni, Sweet Pea and Fangs - playing G&G (I said Cheryl mentioning how she wasn't a sheep would become ironic at the end of the episode!) in dead Dilton's bunker. When Betty questions Jughead, he's all crazy-eyed and rambling about having figured out a way to beat the Gargoyle King. DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!



This was an entertaining episode. Easily the most enjoyable so far this season. It was interesting to get backstories on the parent characters and seeing the 'teen' actors playing the younger versions of their characters' parents was a fun way of doing the flashbacks (though, really, what other option was there? To have an episode that mainly consisted of actors/actresses we'd never seen before playing the younger versions of these parent characters we know little about? That would've sucked, as we'd have no attachment to whatever young actors/actresses they got to play the roles. At least this way, we got to see the contrast between the 'teens' of the present and how their parents were at their age whilst also bearing uncanny resemblances to them. I'm sure it was fun for the show's younger regular castmembers to have a change as well, getting to play different characters. This episode was much better than that one last season involving the three tales being told, and I'd say it was even more successful than the musical episode too. Also, the soundtrack was AWESOME. Better than any of the songs these characters have sung in the show so far. It's kind of disappointing that next episode we'll be going back to the characters/storylines set in the 'present', as I wanted more flashback stories - I was amused to see suggestions of a spin-off show about exactly that...neglecting the fact that would require all these 'teen' actors/actresses to do the work of TWO SHOWS. Ha! Yeah right. It's a nice thought, though. Kudos, show, for pulling off this episode. See? When you put your mind to it, you can actually make an enthralling episode this season.

Archie's great escape plan consists of Kevin's old b/f, Joaquin, informing him that the electrified fence is down, nodding to his guys to stage a fight as a distraction for the guards, then everyone who's in on the plan bolting for the fence (so not the most creative/original plan ever). Joaquin trips and falls like he's in a horror movie, Archie (being the do-gooder that he is) comes back for him and, naturally, exposed backs are no match for rubber bullets, so most of the guys get taken down. Joaquin would've been also, if not for Archie hauling him down from the fence to shield him. Seriously, Joaquin's pretty useless. Hiram, who's now just like a petty teenager, takes great delight in trying to antagonise his daughter about Archie's failed escape, saying he and the rest will be punished. She refuses to let her jerk of a dad get to her, simply replying that she will see to it that Archie's freed. He then calls the warden who has Archie tied to a bed and proceeds to brand him with a branding iron. As if it wasn't enough that Archie went back for Joaquin, giving up his own chance at escape, he's now taking full responsibility for the escape plan and trying to save everyone else from suffering punishment...not that it does much good.

Meanwhile, we see what happened leading up to the ending of the previous episode, but this time from Jughead's perspective. He's playing G&G with Cheryl, Toni, Sweet Pea and Fangs in dead Dilton's bunker...and everyone promptly dies (in the game). That's when Betty enters, wonders WTF they're all doing and fills Jughead in on the story her mum told her last episode including the part about the dead principal with blue lips matching the cases of dead students in the 'present'. Jughead's in full-on crazy mode, rambling about how this means they've been playing 'off board' for longer than they thought and how rescuing Hot Dog was obviously a quest, while the Serpents and Ghoulies are like orcs and goblins in the game, etc. Betty basically says she's not in the mood for his particular brand of crazy, trying to get him to focus on the fact that one of their parents had to have been responsible for the dead principal in the past and is most likely behind the current deaths, but Jughead's too focused on the word 'Eldervair' (which is the realm of G&G) being an anagram of 'Riverdale', thus why it's a game that only exists in their town. He continues rambling about becoming a dungeon master game master so he can get to the Gargoyle King's 'level' and confront him. Betty's all "FTS" and gets away from her crazypants b/f as fast as possible.

She decides to basically repeat what she just said, but this time to people who aren't nutbars like her b/f currently is - namely, Kevin, Josie and Reggie. They don't believe their parents could be murderers (in Riverdale, ANYONE could be a murderer. Haven't they learned that by now?), but nevertheless they agree. Kevin and Josie ask their parents, who lie about never having played the game and are much more eager to talk about the fact they've just gotten engaged. Kevin and Josie don't have it the worst, though, as when they all reconvene to tell Betty they wound up with bupkis, Reggie reveals his black eye he received courtesy of asking his old man about the game. All three think Betty's keeping something from them, but then Veronica interrupts to inform them all that Archie's involved in a fight club and they need to bust him out.

Rewind a bit, as while all that^ stuff was going on with Betty & co, Veronica was using one of her suitors from the end of last season to help her get into the detention centre. Also helpful (apparently) is her disguise that consists of a blonde wig and sunglasses, which somehow manages to make her not be recognisable to the guards at the prison (even though they're under Hiram's control, I guess they don't know what his daughter looks like?). Once her and Reggie are in, they witness the fight club Archie's involved with (I was amused by Veronica's remark "I'd recognise those abs anywhere."), then later when he's healing his hands with ice in the locker room, Veronica rips off her wig, hugs and snogs him (I was kind of hoping he'd be all like, "Who are you?" before she removed the wig. After all, this is Archie - who required clarification about such things as rum and dollars). After Veronica tells him she's breaking him out, he mentions a drain in the bottom of the empty pool where the fight club is held. Another amusing comment from Veronica was her saying "Curse your broad shoulders." in response to the fact that the drain isn't very big and Archie's not sure he'll be able to fit through it. Then, because Varchie like having sex at inappropriate times in inappropriate places (such as shower sex in the first episode of last season when Archie's dad had just been shot), they have it right there in the locker room. Well...at least they're consistent. 

So, once Betty and the others learn of Veronica's plan to help Archie escape, she fills in Jughead...but he's still living in the fantasy world, setting off on another 'quest', though he's saying it was lacking 'heart and humanity' which helping Archie has now given it. Betty's all "I can't deal with your crazy shit right now, you loon." and takes his motorcycle, saying she'll rescue Archie without him. Go Betty! Jughead's clearly gone off the deep end, as have Sweet Pea and Fangs, who earlier broke into the arsenal and stole Cheryl's bow & arrows (those thieving bastards!), accidentally shooting an arrow into the tent Cheryl and Toni were having a 'rendezvous' in, but then moved onto shooting stuff in the air as target practice in preparation for wanting to take G&G into 'the real world'. Jughead wasn't having any of that, then instructed Cheryl to shoot an arrow at a can he was balancing on his head as he stood against a tree (she was hesitant, but then did it after he yelled at her to do so). He said that if Sweet Pea had something to prove, he should do the same...but he didn't, then Jughead ended the conversation by stating emphatically it's his game, his rules and he's the dungeon master game master. So, NYAH!



For winning his latest fight, Archie's being rewarded with a big meal courtesy of the warden...until he realises this is his final meal and that means something not-good (even Archie can work that out). He's seemingly 'outlived his usefulness'. Since he's going to be dead soon anyway, he says that the warden might as well tell him everything he wants to know about who framed him and how...which he does. Apparently Veronica's dad paid the three friends of Cassidy (the guy Archie's accused of murdering) a large sum of money to lie under oath that they saw Archie shoot Cassidy, and now they're hiding in the woods (though the warden reckons a better hiding spot is the mines). Archie's last question is whether or not Hiram 'owns' the warden too, which he answers by rambling Jughead-style. 

And so begins the 'great' escape' which takes place at the same time crazy Jughead and his gang are on their G&G 'quest'. Joaquin unexpectedly snogs Archie in the locker room, and as if that wasn't bad enough, he then shivs him (I imagine him being like, "Remember when I told you to shiv a Ghoulie? This is what you should've done."). It's like in Gladiator after Joaquin Phoenix (hey, what is it with guys named Joaquin pulling this stunt?) stabs Russel Crowe and has his men hide the wound while still expecting him to fight...except here they don't bother hiding Archie's wound. No need, since he's holding his hand against it to stop from bleeding out. While that's happening, Kevin, Josie and Reggie have been cooking up smoke grenades in chemistry class at school and Kevin's delivering them, while Veronica uses her INGENIUS DISGUISE, accompanied by Reggie, to bluff her way through security. Wounded Archie is shocked to find he'll be fighting Mad Dog, who he'd thought was dead, and he asks him where he's been...which Mad Dog answers with a fist to Archie's face. Josie, acting as a waitress, brings the smoke grenade beverages to Veronica and Reggie once they're inside while Archie continues getting his arse handed to him by Mad Dog. They eventually hug (or at least that's what it sort of looks like they're doing), as Archie fills his opponent in on the escape plan.

Veronica runs into her dad, who grabs her and demands answers about this escape plan she's hatched...and he receives his answer in the form of her stomping his foot. She then signals to the others and they throw the smoke grenade beverages into the pit. Archie tells Mad Dog to escape with him, but he reckons he hasn't got a chance (curse your broad shoulders!), though he will provide distraction so Archie can escape. While all this has been happening, Betty and Kevin have been sabotaging cars (it must be noted that Betty wears the Serpent gear extremely well) and opening the grate at the end of the sewer tunnel (after Betty uses a bobby pin - those trusty things she's so fond of using to pick locks - and opens the lock on it they hadn't been aware of beforehand. Useless Joaquin, who happened by earlier, said to Kevin he was hanging with a new crowd now instead of the Serpents and that Archie was done for, then ran off instead of helping - thus his absolute uselessness during this whole escape was now COMPLETE) for Archie to escape from.

And it's just in time too, as Archie emerges all bloody and covered in goodness knows what...then Betty puts her head on him and I was like, "GROSS!". Since the warden's car won't start thanks to Betty's earlier sabotage, he sends his men after Betty and who he thinks is Archie, I guess (though I'm not sure how he thought Archie could've been riding on a motorcycle in his condition). There's a chase, Betty proves she can ride a motorcycle just as well as her now crazypants b/f (managing to look great, even with a bulky helmet and goggles on) and then when they're stopped, Kevin's removes his helmet, as Archie is in fact elsewhere with Veronica, being picked up by Josie and Reggie. It was a good sequence. I especially loved the part where Betty threatened to mace the warden (good ol' trusty mace - just like good ol' trusty bobby pins). The warden then basically throws his hat down on the ground, stomping it and shouting into the sky in anger at being tricked (minus the hat). 




While all of this^ action has been happening, Jughead has been narrating as dungeon master game master and the quest that Cheryl, Toni, Sweet Pea and Fangs are playing mirrors what's going on with Archie in that there are 'parallels' with everything. To list them all would take too long and this review's already long enough. Suffice to say it was an interesting way of having the two storylines happening at the same time...but then got tiresome (and even a bit annoying) after a while. I was amused when they heard a noise from above the bunker and then next thing they knew Archie was being deposited down the hole with a *thud* (it's kind of hilarious to think of him just being dropped in, considering he's severely injured. Another theory I saw was that he'd insisted he could climb down the ladder by himself/without any help...but then proved otherwise. We know how stubborn he can be, so I don't think this scenario would be totally unlikely).



Anyway, everyone involved in the prison break gathers in the bunker, Veronica notices Archie's been branded (she didn't notice when they were screwing earlier?), then says they'll take shifts watching him (because they're not taking him to a doctor), the only people who know about the bunker are currently in the room and she wants it to stay that way. When Veronica gets home, her mum is super-pissed. She'd already been yelling at Hiram, then Veronica gets an earful too. Hermione is SO OVER everyone being obsessed with Archie Andrews, damn it! She's got her work cut out for her as mayor, cleaning up this mess. Another mess that's going to need cleaning up is the warden, who offs himself by drinking cyanide from a chalice. The episode ends with Jughead running into the Gargoyle King in the woods, who he bows before like they're about to have a dance.

How else do you start an episode but with Archie shirtlessness? It's Betty's turn to watch over him and Jughead returns from his run-in with the Gargoyle King at the end of last episode to tell Betty about it as well as inform her that Mr. Tree Demon wasn't alone - he now has disciples (I'm calling them the Gargoylettes). They wonder who those could be, then Archie mumbles Kevin's name, saying that he told him he'd run into Joaquin during the great escape and he mentioned something about joining a new gang. Bughead think that the warden is the Gargoyle King and Joaquin's one of his Gargoylettes. That theory doesn't last long, though, as Betty returns home (still lookin' gooood in her Serpent getup), her mum questions where she's been and whether she was involved with Archie's escape - which Betty denies - then tells her that the warden was found dead, having offed himself like dead Dilton. 

The now-dead warden had told Archie (when he was having his 'final meal') that a good place to hide would be the mines, and that's where Archie reckons he'll find the friends of Cassidy who Hiram paid to lie in court about Archie shooting Cassidy. I continue to be amused how Veronica keeps managing to find ways to remark on Archie's body, when the two of them are laying in bed together in dead Dilton's bunker and she says there are wanted posters with his 'strong jawline' everywhere (along with roadblocks, checkpoints, etc). Veronica wants to help him clear his name, but doesn't want him venturing out. He wants his dad to be kept out of the loop of where he is to protect him or whatever. Later at school, Replacement Sheriff is interrogating everyone he thinks was involved in helping Archie escape. I was annoyed that there was barely any Cheryl in this episode, but she still got two good moments in this scene. The first was when Reggie's acting as cool as a cucumber while Replacement Sheriff questions him, saying he's welcome to check his 'browser history' in a suggestive way and Cheryl simply rolls her eyes. The second moment was after Josie proves to be a crap liar, unable to even kind of pretend not to be guilty, she suddenly has a seizure and no one (including Replacement Sheriff, who's standing right in front of her, or Reggie, who is seated right next to her) bothers to go over to help her...except Cheryl, who tells Replacement Sheriff to back off.



Bughead try figuring out the connection between those who've recently had seizures (ie. Betty herself, Ethel and now Josie) and end up making a connection between their parents and the warden. While Betty's working out how to make their parents confess, Jughead's informed that Replacement Sheriff is trashing the Serpents' new shanty town in search of Archie. He tells Sweet Pea and Fangs to be on the lookout for shiv-happy Joaquin. Meanwhile, Betty's being PROACTIVE (yay!) and has sent out invites (posing as the Gargoyle King) to all the parents involved with the G&G game from the past that ended up with the principal being dead, and after she has gotten all of them in a room together, she starts hitting them with questions. None of the 'rents are very helpful, though Hermione accuses Cheryl's mum of being the one who poisoned the chalices in the past since she was the game master and her reasoning for thinking Penelope's behind the poisoning is because she has a greenhouse, but Penelope points out one can't grow cyanide. Penelope then mentions that dead Dilton's dad poisoned the chalices because he had a thing for her and wanted them to 'ascend' (meaning drink from the chalices and commit suicide) together, but she refused. She assumed they'd been cleaned later on, but apparently not since the principal wound up dead after drinking from them. Dead Dilton's dad came to her years later, feeling guilty, but she didn't want to revisit that night since they both had families, so then he wound up offing himself.

I was amused when Betty's reaction was "So, Dilton Doiley's dead dad did it?" (alliteration!). This still doesn't answer the question of who the current Gargoyle King is. Jugdad gets annoyed by Betty's line of questioning and hearing how deep into G&G his son is, then leaves, soon followed by everyone else. Alice is like, "You satisfied, Nosy?" to her daughter who responds with basically, "HOW could I possibly be satisfied, mom, when no one gave me any actual useful information!". At home, Jugdad handcuffs his son to the refrigerator when Jughead's determined to keep digging into all this, as he doesn't want him involved in anything G&G-related because it's like an 'addiction' (oh, joy, an addiction analogy. Because now instead of magic being a stand-in for addiction like on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we have roleplaying games - what fun!). To be fair, Jughead had been acting pretty nutso, so I can understand wanting to put a stop to that. Meanwhile, Archie and Kevin have gone to the coroner (who Betty told them they could trust), so Archie can have his wound properly fixed up. Once they leave, they get a call from a pissed Veronica who's wondering where Archie's at, he's determined to go find those friends of Cassidy that Hiram paid off who he thinks are at the mines and I noticed when Archie tosses Kevin's phone back to him over the back of his truck (after hanging up) that it was quite a throw. It looked almost unnatural (has Archie got telekinesis now? In this show never say 'never') in how far it flew. Even more impressive was how Kevin caught it. Such a random/odd thing to notice, but it stood out to me. Annoyingly, I can't find a GIF of the actual phone toss...but just look at the distance it has to travel to reach Kevin!



I was amused when Veronica was searching on her mum's computer and it was revealed that Hermione still hasn't changed her password from Veronica's birthday (didn't she learn anything from the last time her daughter got into her computer?). She'd been trying to find missing footage from the interrogation of Cassidy's friends and discovers it's on there, with them being bribed by Replacement Sheriff. She then gets arrested and thrown in jail. When Hiram visits Veronica in jail, he says Hermione no longer has a computer (wouldn't it just be easier to PICK A DIFFERENT PASSWORD?). Veronica uses her one phone call to inform Archie's dad that Archie's headed to the mines in search of Cassidy's friends, she informs him she has the evidence to clear Archie's name and then asks him to call Josie's mum for her so she can bail her out. I was also amused by Fred's heavy sigh, like he can't believe he's dealing with all this shit - and it's not even his own kid who is telling him all this, but his kid's g/f. Betty finds out from the coroner that dead Dilton's dead dad didn't die from cyanide, but rather oleander. She then learns from Kevin's dad that Cheryl's mum is the only one who grows oleander in her greenhouse, Fred calls, Archie and Kevin find Cassidy's friends have been offed by Replacement Sheriff in the mines, but one's still alive who they take to hospital (amazingly, Archie manages to not be seen by anyone there). While that's happening, Jughead finds out Joaquin's dead with a symbol on his forehead matching the one Archie was branded with by the warden. Kevin informs Archie that the still-alive friend of Cassidy who can clear his name is in fact no longer alive, Archie feels guilty and says everyone he knows dies or suffers or whatever. It's the same "I'm to blame for EVERYTHNIG!" (oh yes, it's all about YOU, Archie) shtick we've heard many times before from lead characters in shows. Even if he manages to be proven innocent, he doesn't wish to return to Riverdale - because that will stop all the craziness from happening? I don't think so. 

Betty meets with Cheryl's mum (who says she should call her 'Auntie Blossom'. I imagine Betty's thought was, "Shit no! Your family's creepy and I ain't getting sucked into that!"), telling her what Kevin's dad said about her growing oleander, Cheryl's mum is offended, claiming she met with Betty out of the "kindness of her heart" ("HA! Yeah right. What heart?" is what I reckon Betty would be thinking in response) and says that if Betty wants someone to blame, she should go question her own mum who wrote an article about dead Dilton's dead dad's 'suicide'. Betty does just that, but before she can get any answers, the lights in the house go off, things get rather creepy and there is the silhouette of someone sneaking around outside the window. They then come face to face with the FRICKIN' GARGOYLE KING in their lounge and run upstairs, locking the door behind them. Because apparently Gargoyle Kings aren't really fast-moving, it doesn't appear they have been pursued. However, there's a Scream shout-out with Jugdad (played by Skeet Ulrich from that movie) climbing in through the window and acting all shifty (just like he did in the movie). It was a really weird moment, and seemed like it only existed to throw suspicion onto him. Later, after Jugdad has left, Alice informs Betty she's moving to Polly's cult farm with Polly and her twins (who we still haven't seen since Betty 'hallucinated' them being tossed into a fire. Hmmm...), Betty refuses to join her, but that's okay, as Alice never expected her to go. Instead, Betty will be escorted dragged to the loony bin (seems Alice has a go-to move with her daughters...and that's to lock them up in a loony bin! Polly knows all about that). I felt sorry for Betty here.



Just like I felt sorry for Veronica, who'd arranged a 'welcome home' party for Archie, since she'd given the evidence of bribery to Josie's mum and informed Archie he could come home...except he had no plans to, basically repeating what he'd told Kevin earlier. Poor Veronica. She worked her butt off breaking Archie out of juvie, getting his named cleared so he could come home and even prepared an impressive 'welcome home' party for him...then he essentially dumps her over the phone. As much of a dick move as that was, though, at least he let her know that he was buggering off, which is more than Jughead did for Betty (oh, sure, I've read comments that he was trying to call her earlier when Alice had Betty's phone as she was being dragged away and she hit 'ignore' or whatever, but Jughead doesn't even bother to try again or leave a note with someone or, hell, even tell Archie to pass along a message to Veronica for Betty, saying "Hey, babe, I'm ditching you to hit the road with Archie. Seeya!"). Screw you, Jughead! More like Dickhead! And screw you too, Archiekins! Both B & V deserve better than either of you! Veronica busted her arse to clear her b/f's name and Betty was being proactive in finding out about the murders, the Gargoyle King, etc, while you two didn't do jack-shit! I'd say both of these ladies would be better off without you two dunderheads, Betty especially would benefit from not having a crazy b/f...except she's now stuck in the loony bin (you've got the wrong half of Bughead locked up!) and finds that everyone at art class is painting the Gargoyle King. GREAT time to ditch your g/f, Shithead!

So, it seemed they were going for another of those 'three tales' types of episodes with this one, judging by the fact that it began with Archie and Jughead's names appearing on the screen like they did with that episode last season which focused on three tales about three separate sets of characters. It's nice to know Jughead has been trying to reach Betty, since he calls her for what sounds like the umpteenth time from a payphone. Sorry I called you names in my previous episode review, Jughead...but you still should've left a note or message with someone for Betty. Hell, try calling someone else to find out where the hell Betty is, maybe? Not that it would've done much good, probably, since no one else seems to even notice that she's missing. I was amused when Archie suggested Jughead return to Riverdale due to the oddness of Betty not answering and Jughead was quick to point out that Betty took down a serial killer last season whereas Archie, the dope, can't go five minutes without being kidnapped or having the crap beaten out of him (it's funny 'cause it's true!). Though it's a bit sad that Archie sounded more concerned about Betty than Jughead did. Sure, she can take care of herself up to a point, but given all the crazy stuff that's been going on, it wouldn't have hurt for Jughead to seem at least slightly concerned.

It was weird seeing Archie and Jughead wandering onto the Kent Farm from Smallville (I'd recognise that yellow house and red barn anywhere!). They didn't even try to make it look any different. It was exactly how I remembered it from SV. I was half-expecting Clark to be pointing the gun at them, but instead it's some brat who immediately annoyed me. Though it was a nice surprise to see Riley Keough guest-starring. Laurie Lake is her character's name and she can tell when someone's BS-ing her, like Jughead so obviously is with his cover names for him and Archie (really, Jughead? 'Cal' and 'Biff'? While you might be able to pull off a 'Cal', Archie certainly is no 'Biff'). So then Archie jumps in, also telling lies, but different kinds of lies (and slightly more believable, I guess?) about them having gotten robbed for their train money. I guess Laurie buys into it and invites them for dinner, then says they can stay in the barn if they help her move hay. So we lasted about five minutes into the episode before Archie shirtlessness is onscreen. It sort of amused me when they were told to stay out of the main house, and that was for two reasons - 1) Like Veronica told her mum about banning G&G, telling someone they can't do something just makes it more interesting (though, surprisingly, Archie and Jughead don't do the opposite of what they're told. Huh) and 2) I figured not-showing the interior of the house was because there'd be even more evidence it was just a Smallville set. Hell, maybe there'd still be some photos of the Kents on the wall. Either that or the entire interior of the house had been stripped and all that was still left was the exterior.

Anyway, while Archie's actually pulling his weight and moving hay, Jughead says he's going into town to...take photos? Like, thanks for your help, Jug! He does manage to come across a creepy old woman who fills him in on jingle-jangle and then fizzle rocks being behind why the place is now a ghost town. He also recognises G&G-related symbols around the place, then later he sees a painting of the Gargoyle King on a wall and encounters three girls playing G&G on the back of a truck. Like the old woman, they give off a slightly creepy vibe, not to mention they're eating fizzle rocks (so, kids in this town take drugs like it's no big thing), and tell Jughead all the men are elsewhere, building a prison, they all work for someone called 'the Man in Black' - who isn't Ed Harris from Westworld, but in fact winds up being Hiram Lodge (of course). Meanwhile, Laurie is giving Archie a shave which then turns into her making the moves on him, and before you can say "You cheating bastard, Archibald!", she's snogging him and he's snogging her back. It's quite a long while before he ends up putting a stop to it, then he maintains he can't do it even though he's 'no longer with' a girl back home. Yeah, because you broke up with her via phone, you jerk! And as if proving Jughead's point at the start of the episode (ie. Archie's completely useless without anyone helping him), Archie proceeds to give Laurie his name, the name of where he's from, etc - which isn't so bright for someone who's trying to not be found. 



Oh well, the dumbarse pays the price for his stupidity later on when he's enjoying the eggs Laurie's cooked for him and she whacks him in the back of his fool head, rendering him unconscious. Luckily for Archie, Jughead returns to the farm just as Hiram is arriving and Laurie's taking him to where she has Archie tied up in the barn...except he's not there anymore thanks to Jughead, and now the two of them are hightailing it out of there. Archie, being his stubborn self, wanted to hang around and kill Hiram, but Jughead managed to talk him out of it by asking whether Veronica would ever forgive him for offing her dad (I'd be more concerned with whether she'll ever forgive Archie for dumping her over the phone after she MOVED MOUNTAINS FOR HIM). They next head off to go see Jughead's mum, since at least she won't hit them with frying pans and giftwrap them for Hiram Lodge (presumably). The next tale is Veronica's, and I didn't find it particularly interesting (although I do like Veronica as a character). All I remember from it was that she needed to make money, so she decided to use that one suitor of hers to help get a casino running in her speakeasy for one night only. However, he then decided to take money from her via winning at poker, but for once her dad was actually useful and told her about the guy/how to beat him - which she did (via CHEATING). She now retains ownership of Pop's (which she'd put on the line as part of the bet) and also has a healthy sum of money to help her speakeasy from going under. 

The most interesting of the three tales was Betty's...though it was also very frustrating, as it involved Ethel Muggs (ugh!). Betty's being shown ink blots by the nasty nun, and although she thinks they look like one thing, she says something very different for each one so that she can seem more 'sane' or whatever. I was amused by one thought she had, which was "a dead body, you idiot" in reference to one of the ink blots. Her thinking "what a nightmare" mirrored my own thoughts when Ethel barged into her room, saying they were going to be roommates. And, as I predicted, the bitch tries to piss Betty off by acting like her barely-a-snog with Jughead actually meant something. Thankfully, Jughead had apparently been upfront with Betty (albeit offscreen), as she already knows about it and also that Ethel blackmailed him into doing it. One of the best lines of the episode was what she was thinking as Ethel tried to make out that her and Jughead had something special and kept going on about Betty being 'unworthy'. 



She was thinking what *I* was thinking! I also loved how she mocked Ethel's delusion that she'd have any sort of chance with Jughead, saying "'Ethelhead'? In your dreams." (Ha! Even their non-existent 'ship' name would be lame!) and then later on when Betty was out gardening (and saw Cheryl's uncle was involved, as well as Hiram, in the whole fizzle rocks/drugs thing that the patients are forced to take, but Betty's been dumping - she should've found a better spot than the bin, though, as Ethel spots them in there) and one of the nuns told her to get back to work, her thought reply was "Bite me." - can we have Betty voiceover every episode instead of Jughead, please? She's FAR more amusing/entertaining with her thoughts than he's ever been with his voiceovers. Anyway, at one point Ethel's still going on about how Betty will never be 'worthy' to meet the Gargoyle King, but Betty's already managed to find a paperclip (in place of those usually reliable bobby pins, which she can't find any of), outs Ethel to everyone else as the sort of person who snogs other people's b/f's, and then fakes a seizure so she'll be taken to exactly where she wants to go. Betty's pretty cunning, and she even finds proof that Hiram is using the nuns' patients as lab rats to test out fizzle rocks and their effects.

She's ready to make her escape through a secret passage (the same one which Veronica and Toni used to get in and out of the loony bin when they rescued Cheryl), but unfortunately she finds it's been walled up. Then that bitch, Ethel, turns up with naughty nun and some orderlies, after having ratted out Betty. They force her to take fizzle rocks and then drag her off to a chamber where she's shoved inside and supposedly comes face to face with the Gargoyle King. She's left in the dark and we hear her scream, then later she retakes the ink blot test and this time she says what she really thinks each one looks like. She's pretty out of it and recites Ethel's cultish phrase "My King. My savior. Guide me through the night. Bless me with your darkness, gift me with your flight." whilst seeing the Gargoyle King standing behind naughty nun. Poor Betty! She had it the roughest out of everyone this episode. I also hope Ethel winds up joining dead Dilton and dead Ben ASAP, as I can't stand her. She's the worst, and has now surpassed Josie as the character in the show who I like the least.

Boo! I wanted more Betty voiceover/thoughts! But, no, same old boring Jughead voiceover. Though I was glad to see Cheryl again after her absence last episode and barely being in the one prior to it. No one does a slow-mo entrance quite like Cheryl Blossom. While that's happening, Kevin and Moose are making out and taking fizzle rocks, then they hear a scream and Cheryl's the only cheerleader left standing, as all the rest (including Veronica and Toni) are on the floor, having seizures. Cheryl, of course, is most concerned about her g/f (sorry, Ronnie - though at least Betty cares about you, as evidenced by the concern in her voice when her mum later informs her of the mass seizure). 



Yay! Betty's not hopped up on fizzle rocks anymore, as she's barfing them back up. Clever girl (unlike Kevin and Moose). Meanwhile, Archie and Jughead are stopped at the fence of a junkyard when they wish to gain entry to see Jughead's mum and sister, but his sis (Jellybean - because no one can have normal names in Jughead's family) tells the guy who stopped them to let her bro in and clearly she isn't some weakling, as he does as she says. We then meet Jughead's mum, who does have a normal (albeit 'old timey'-sounding) name - Gladys - played by Gina Gershon. I'd accidentally found out she'd be playing the role before ever seeing this episode, so that lessened the surprise somewhat, but I think it was good casting. She looks like she could be Jughead's parent, just as Skeet Ulrich does. I did roll my eyes at her 'shipping' Jughead with Archie (Jarchie?), though. Please don't feed the slash-fic writers, Jugmum. 

I loved seeing Betty getting Ethel all riled up, bragging about how she's friends with the Gargoyle King, commenting on how funny he is and the fact that now she's his 'favourite'. It was awesome to see Ethel so pissed off (it's the least she deserves after what she did to Betty). She then baits Ethel into going with her to the chamber which she was shoved into near the end of last episode and does the same thing to Ethel, leaving her screaming in the darkness just like Betty herself did (comeuppance, bitch!). Unfortunately, Betty's a kinder person than Ethel is and returns hours later to explain to her that the Gargoyle King inside the chamber is just a statue (which we see). The mix of drugs and the nuns feeding the delusions (as part of the tests Hiram's having them do) have all the patients believing they're seeing the Gargoyle King inside the loony bin. Though Betty then clarifies she has seen the Gargoyle King outside of the loony bin (comforting). Anyway, she wants Ethel's help in getting information out of the nasty nun to prevent more deaths. Damn it, I wanted Ethel to remain stuck in that chamber indefinitely. You're too good a person, Betty. 

At school, the principal announces he's closing the student lounge - which is where all the main characters seem to hang out (apparently there's nowhere else to hang), canceling extracurriculars and sports, and Cheryl informs Veronica it's possible the school might get shut down like what happened with the Southside school. Veronica's parents apparently sent out emails about a meeting, then suddenly guys in hazmat suits turn up and start grabbing those who are considered to be 'infected' (ie. the ones who had seizures). Naturally, Veronica makes a run for it. She hides out at her speakeasy with Reggie and they discuss the fizzle rocks/drugs that are being distributed coming from the Southside prison that was once the school there. At the not-so-secret-anymore board meeting with Betty's, Veronica's and Cheryl's parents as well as the principal, they're all about finding 'patient zero' because they seem to think someone's passing along a virus that causes seizures. Veronica and Cheryl crash the party, with Veronica announcing that her dad has been tricking them all and is only wanting to expand his drug empire. I'm always amused when someone says something which Cheryl simply follows up with the word 'fact'. Also amusing was after she exchanged words with her mum, Penelope starts seizing and Cheryl (like me) appears as if she either doesn't care or doesn't believe it's actually real and thinks that her mum is faking it.



Another amusing moment was how Jugsis immediately developed a crush on Archie (if you'd witnessed how stupid and useless he is, you'd think twice, Jugsis) after outright asking him whether he was available when he said he was no longer with Veronica (Archie, you jerk, if she ever takes you back, you deserve to be doing some serious groveling for the crappy way you ended things with someone who did nothing but help your useless arse). Jughead tries to calm down his sister, who's overly excited by this news, calling her 'Jellybean', but now in her attempt to be more 'mature' or whatever she's going by 'JB' (which means little to me, as they're just Jughead, Jugdad, Jugmum and Jugsis as far as I'm concerned. They are The Jugs!). Jugmum wants to know how involved her son and Archie are with G&G, and after seeing Jughead's scar, he informs her Penny Peabody cut off his tattoo (neglecting to mention he did the same to her first). Once learning Jughead's the new King of the Serpents, she says she never wanted that for him, but he says she's the one who left, plus she's chopping up cars and stealing/selling their parts, though she claims it's to feed everyone living in the junkyard. As if she wasn't already pretty cool, when Penny Peabody takes Archie hostage at knifepoint (Archie really is totally useless, as Jughead pointed out at the start of last episode), Jugsis calls Penny a 'bitch' before hilariously nailing her right between the eyes with her slingshot.



Once Penny awakes, she's tied to a chair and refusing to give any useful information about Hiram's plan other than the fact that he's still after Archie (WHY is everybody so fixated on useless Archie? Just leave him alone for a while and he'll take himself out!) and won't give up. Jugmum has a score to settle with Penny in regards to her cutting off Jughead's tattoo, and yet again it's never mentioned that Jughead was the one who started that whole thing. I mean, Penny is a pretty worthless human being, but it's not like she was the first one to do it - that was Jughead. Jugmum's all "That's not a knife, THIS is a knife." to Penny and then instructs the boys to leave, which tells them/Penny/us what's likely going to transpire next. Cut to Jugmum with blood all over her hands and making vague references to Penny having been taken care of (in the Mafia/Lodge sense).

After Veronica's talked to her dad and he's rambled on and on about some biblical-like event he's planning, she gets a call from Betty who informs her of where she's been held (apparently Veronica and everyone thought Betty had gone to Polly's cult farm, which was why her absence hadn't aroused any suspicions), what she's learned and a plan she's formed. Veronica then calls Cheryl to say that Betty saw her Uncle Claudius being involved in the delivery of the fizzle rocks/drugs to the loony bin (hearing Cheryl referencing Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a nice surprise) and suggests they question her mum since she's in cahoots with Hiram. This leads to them waterboarding Penelope using...what else? Maple syrup. And when that's not enough, Cheryl threatens to leave the door open for the ants to crawl in. Suffice to say, this unique/sticky brand of torture gets them some useful information - such as Hiram's plan being to have the town of Riverdale completely quarantined from the outside world so that he and others like him can pursue their illegal enterprises (drug-dealing, prostitution, etc) with no interference from law enforcement (oh yeah, I forgot that Replacement Sheriff wound up dead. So now the town has no sheriff). 




But Cheryl and Veronica aren't the only ones being awesome. Betty is too, as she takes the nasty nun hostage (there's a lot of that going around this episode) and manages to find out that her and her fellow nuns are the ones who are responsible for G&G, as it was because of them sticking their patients in the chamber with the gargoyle statue that they created a fantasy world to escape to. The nuns fed into their delusions because it helped control them. When nasty nun refuses to tell the police what she told Betty and Ethel, they leave her stuck in the chamber, but not before making it clear to her that they're escaping and taking the other patients with them. Unfortunately, as nasty nun pointed out, the other patients don't wish to leave. So Betty comes up with the idea of playing along with their belief in the G&G game, pretending to be the 'Gryphon Queen' (who I guess is the opposite of the Gargoyle King). She dresses up, plays the part and tosses the head of the gargoyle statue in front of the other patients, declaring the Gargoyle King is dead, so now they're free. This is enough to convince them to escape, but once they do, Betty and Ethel are wondering what they do next. It was kind of funny how they hadn't planned that far ahead and now they just have a bunch of loose crazies roaming the streets. 





Also funny was Archie dyeing his signature red hair in the hope that'll be enough of a disguise (won't do you much good if you keep blabbing to every hot chick you meet and snog what your name is/where you're from, Archie). His dad has been called and they exchange their goodbyes, even though Fred wants to go with his stupid son (Archie should've taken his dad up on his offer to accompany him, since he's proven to be well and truly useless), but Archie's even too dumb to accept help when he desperately needs it. He's leaving and heading off alone. I was surprised to see Fred had brought Vegas the dog along. At first I thought he just did that so Archie could say goodbye to him, but then he hands him over to Archie and I was like, "NO! Archie can't even take care of himself, let alone Vegas! Take him back, Fred, for his own good! Archie's not only going to get himself killed, but likely Vegas as well, you irresponsible pet owner!". I'm already dreading what will befall poor Vegas while out on the road with Archie. Has he even got any food for him?

Anyway, Jugdad (who'd turned up at the junkyard earlier) and Jughead try to get back into Riverdale, but find blockades and police preventing them from doing so all thanks to Veronica's mum having made the order before Veronica and her pals could put a stop to it. Hiram's in his study (where he, amusingly, has replaced the Veronica painting he liked to creepily stare at with a painting of himself - which I'm sure he'll also stare at just as creepily) and basically mua-ha-ha's over the phone to the governor about how his plan is all coming together. And I guess to prove that Hiram is in fact not the Gargoyle King (as so many believed him to be), we see the actual Gargoyle King standing before him, who he toasts to ("To evil." is what I imagine Hiram's toast being).

I was super-worried for Vegas the dog when Fred left Archie in charge of taking care of him near the end of last episode, but to Archie's credit...he's cooking him breakfast at least (can dogs eat eggs?). Archie's stuck in the cabin in the woods (not the movie), where he looks like he might run into lumberjack Dexter, but after radioing some park rangers (because he's apparently joined a park ranger service of some description), he's informed there have been recent bear sightings. So, what's Archie do? He goes out to find Yogi, naturally. Damn it, I knew he'd do something stupid and put Vegas's life in danger!



Sure enough, he finds some bear tracks, and all signs point to there being a bear not too far away, but rather than get moving, Archie just lingers, looking around until he's whacked in the head by a bear - not that we actually see it. I was disappointed, as I'd heard about 'Archie vs. a bear' and was expecting more. I guess this show doesn't have the budget for a bear - real, CGI or even a puppet/animatronic. The most they could probably afford is a guy in a bear costume. Anyway, the way it was filmed sort of reminded me of Ernest Borgnine's demise in The Simpsons. 




Except Archie ain't dead (yet). Thankfully, Vegas appears unharmed (I was really worried for him, so I'm glad he got out of there unscathed), though Archie's scratched up all over his torso - any excuse to get yourself shirtless, eh Archie? He radios for help and the person on the other line helpfully tells him to apply pressure to the wound - because Archie wouldn't have known to do that otherwise? Unfortunately for him, dogs aren't able to do first aid. I imagine Vegas just staring at Archie's stupid arse and thinking, "You bring this on yourself, you know.", but at least Archie says he's a good boy for keeping him company as he tries not to bleed out. 



Archie's storyline throughout this episode was pretty boring/pointless, I found. Basically, he hallucinates a whole bunch. First, it's dead Cassidy and his dead friends playing G&G, making Archie feel guilty and telling him the only way to return to Eldervair (which we know is an anagram of Riverdale) is to play G&G with them. Then he hallucinates the dead warden from juvie, who also wants him to play G&G, but Archie refuses and the warden makes some vague references to Archie about him having yet to experience his 'do or die moment' like Joaquin (whose moment was apparently him 'ascending' - ie. being killed - after he shivved Archie). He too goes on about Archie returning to Eldervair (aka Riverdale) by playing the game. Archie gets a card that at first says to kill the Gargoyle King, then says to kill the Man in Black (aka Veronica's dad). So Archie goes to do that, Hiram amusingly points out that stupid Archie shouldn't have told him his plans in the Season 2 final (FINALLY someone points that out to Archie's fool self...even if it's just a hallucination doing so), then Archie stabs him. When he returns to the game, the other three members of the core four are there, Betty asks if he's working on any new songs, he says he's not that person anymore (yay! No more subpar Archie songs!) and doesn't want to play G&G anymore either, but once again he's told it's the only way to get back to Eldervair/Riverdale (like, WE GET IT. But I guess since it's Archie, he needs to hear something several times before he gets it) and to 'innocence' (I think that ship has sailed, considering all the murders and whatnot).

Archie's last hallucination consists of him and his trusty baseball bat standing over...himself in bed. His dad's suddenly there, telling him not to club himself to death, but Archie's determined to off 'that' part of himself - the part that's 'violent and stupid' (well, offing the stupid part of yourself would certainly be an improvement, Archie. Do it!). I guess Archie's other self is like a Horcrux for him, as killing his doppelganger kills that part of himself...or whatever. This whole plotline seemed to just be 'filler', though at the end of the episode the park rangers finally turn up and Vegas is like, "You're too late, guys." since Archie's doing that eyes-open-stare-of-death thing (though, obviously, he'll be fine next episode and is only mostly dead). 

As much as it pains me to say it, another rather pointless storyline this episode was the one with Cheryl and Toni being cat-burglars (complete with actual cat masks), as they were robbing from the rich to...not give to the poor, but rather themselves. I was annoyed that they made Cheryl unlikeable this episode (as happened in one episode last season) - STOP doing that, show! She's my favourite character and I don't like not-liking her. At school, Cheryl & Toni (or 'Choni', as their ship is apparently called) are holding hands and then Kevin and his bunch of hall monitors or whatever the hell they are inform the couple that under the new regime (since the town became quarantined and cut off from the rest of the world), there's a rule to keep all physical contact to a minimum. I don't know if this episode aired before or after COVID-19 started, but it seems like that's what being alluded to here. Cheryl, of course, is defiant and refusing to not have physical contact with her g/f. They even get it on at one point, so it would appear they're the type of people who don't obey social distancing rules. Bad Choni!



Later, Jughead calls a Serpent meeting due to having found out someone from his gang has been selling fizzle rocks/drugs, so he outlaws any illegal business of any kind from his people. Cheryl isn't pleased, calling him out on his having nicked off with Archie and leaving them, Choni continue burgling, but this time they make the mistake of ripping off Hiram Lodge, stealing his 'Glamergé egg' and Cheryl (foolishly) leaves her signature red lipstick all over his painting of himself he likes to stare at in his study, telling him exactly who was behind the burglary (come on, Cheryl, you're smarter than that! Don't be an Archie!). Meanwhile, Reggie's been getting ambushed as he makes beer runs across the Riverdale border for Veronica. He and V also get hot and heavy at one point. I'm amused that their ship name is apparently 'Veggie' - I think that's the best one since 'Bughead'. Less fun for Reggie is him getting beaten up by the Gargoylettes. Veronica figures out her dad's behind it, since he made it clear to her he wants a cut of her profits she makes at her speakeasy. After some negotiations, they work out an amount, Veronica is paying Hiram to keep the Gargoylettes from attacking, but that doesn't help, since Josie almost gets attacked by one. When Veronica confronts her dad about him not delivering on his end of the deal, he says he's discovered she's been 'cooking the books' and wants the full amount of money he's owned from her, plus that Glamergé egg that was stolen - which, of course, he knows Cheryl was behind, since she (foolishly) left her calling card.

Jughead's discovered that Fangs was the one dealing fizzle rocks/drugs, and his excuse is he needs money to take care of his mum. Jughead acknowledges Fangs probably had it pretty rough since he got shot last season (hey, Jug? Other friends of yours got seriously injured too and had messed up stuff happen to them, but that doesn't give them any excuse to sell drugs, does it?). He's willing to let this slide, but Fangs has to promise to A) stop drug-dealing and B) not tell anyone about this. Apparently, Fangs can't keep his trap shut, because Jughead calls another meeting later on after Hiram's made his demands to Veronica and it would seem Fangs blabbed to Sweet Pea who blabbed to Toni who blabbed to Cheryl about Fangs' drug-dealing, since Cheryl says if Jughead wants to kick her and Toni out of the Serpents for robbing Hiram, then he should kick out Fangs too - as all three of them have engaged in illegal activity after Jughead expressly forbade it. Jughead has to concede, otherwise he'd appear a hypocrite, so he asks for Fangs' Serpent jacket  - which he gives over reluctantly/angrily (it's your own fault, Fangs, for not keeping your damn mouth shut!). Cheryl refuses to give up hers and Toni's jackets (I can understand Cheryl not wanting to give up hers, since it's a one-of-a-kind), and to Jughead's credit, he lets them keep their jackets, but they're still out of the gang and have to hand over the Glamergé egg. I liked hearing Jughead tell Cheryl that he believes she still has honour. I was hoping after last season when he accepted her into the Serpents, there'd be more scenes between the two - though what we got in this episode weren't exactly the sort of scenes I was hoping for. 

After handing the egg over, Veronica tells Jughead she wants to hire his Serpents - this way they get paid and she gets protection, so next time Reggie's truck gets attacked by the Gargoylettes, Jughead and his Serpents are there to chase them off. Though when they managed to grab one, I wondered WHY they didn't unmask the Gargoylette they had at their mercy, rather than just giving him a message that Veronica was under their protection, which the Gargoylette was to deliver to his master, the Gargoyle King. Speaking of the Gargoyle King, it seems he's still having an effect on the ex-patients of the loony bin who Betty helped escape last episode. They're having nightmares and still fear him. Betty says they're safe, but one of the ex-patients gets beaten up by the Gargoylettes and accuses Betty of lying, then others start questioning her. Hey, nutjobs? Shuddup. Betty gave you freedom, she gave you shelter and food, quit complaining. 

As if Betty hasn't already got enough on her plate, she's also dealing with trying to find the ex-patients new homes (since Alice doesn't want to keep housing them) and getting the nuns from the loony bin to turn on Hiram. She's informed that they haven't actually been really real nuns for a long time, so Betty uses that to blackmail nasty nun into testifying against Hiram (saying how he paid them to test fizzle rocks/drugs on their patients) in return for immunity, since their supposed 'vow of silence' wouldn't hold up in court due to them being fake nuns. Betty eventually asks Archie's dad, Josie's mum, Cheryl and her creepy grandma if they can house some of the ex-patients, which they agree to do (Fred specifically says he can house some of the boys, whereas Cheryl specifies girls). However, when Betty returns home, it turns out Alice has sent all the ex-patients who were staying with them to Polly's cult farm, which Betty obviously isn't happy about. She then receives a call from Josie's mum saying that the fake nuns have been bailed out of jail (thanks to Hiram, naturally) and a message has been left that sends Betty to the chamber at the loony bin where the Gargoyle King statue she decapitated last episode now has a new horned skull head and all the fake nuns are dead, having poisoned themselves (like so many in Riverdale seem to be doing). I have to say, I wasn't that fussed on this episode. It was equal parts boring and frustrating, as there was a lot of dumb decision-making going on.

Jughead voiceovers the exact time Archie died...except he looks pretty spry for a dead guy to me. Then Jughead's voiceover clarifies it was just a part of Archie that 'died'. Specify that to start with next time, Jughead voiceover! Naturally, Archie was never actually going to die, as all last episode was about him killing off his 'old self' or whatever. I think it was just the writers' attempt to say, "We know Archie's pretty dumb, so we're going to have him acknowledge that and then metaphorically kill the dumb part of himself, thus making him smarter!"...or something. I'm sure Vegas the dog was glad to get back home, where there aren't any bears. Archie's still sensitive where he was wounded, so he fills his dad in on what happened ("You ever see that episode of 24 where Kim Bauer encountered a cougar? It was like that...but even lamer." is what Archie should've said), says he's no longer afraid of Hiram and, oh yeah, how's Veronica doing since he dumped her over the phone? Turns out, after being unsure for a minute who the hell this dark-haired person is in her speakeasy, she's actually pretty alright with Archie's return judging by the way she hugs him. I loved her "What the hell happened to your hair?" and the face she made. Also somewhat amusing (unintentionally so) was Archie explaining he dyed it so he wouldn't be recognised if her dad came after him. Firstly, just dyeing your hair isn't much of a disguise, Archie. It doesn't change your face at all. And secondly, I don't think Veronica was unaware of what hair dye is - I think she was more asking because it looked so wrong. I'll never make fun of Archie's red hair again (now that I've seen the alternative). They don't really seem to discuss him dumping her over the phone after all she did for him, and instead move right onto snogging, like nothing's changed.

Though according to Jughead, a LOT has changed with Archie. I'm not really sure where he's getting this, since he's barely interacted with the 'new' Archie and from what I could tell nothing was really different other than he's morose and has black hair. The core four are at Pop's and Archie's being updated about what's transpired while he was away. They're now planning to take down Hiram (how many times have they attempted that?) and reveal him as the Gargoyle King. And when they're not doing that...SATs! Archie's unprepared (this is what he gets for not taking any school stuff with him on his journey. He had lots of free time in that cabin in the woods where he could've studied in between winding up a bear's chew toy), so Betty's going to help him study. Though she's got her own problems, as Pop informs her that her credit card has been declined. She returns home, justifiably pissed at her mum after learning all her accounts and even her college fund/tuition money have been completely drained. Turns out, Alice has given the money to Polly's cult farm. What a bitch! Meanwhile, Archie's and Jughead's dads pay a visit to Veronica's dad, letting him know Archie's returned home (whatever happened to that blockade that wouldn't allow Jughead and his dad in? How'd they get past that? How'd Archie get past that? Has that just stopped being a thing or are the police really just that bad at blockades?). Hiram maintains he's never wanted to hurt Archie or Jughead (if only someone had recorded all the evidence to the contrary and could play a montage of it, thus proving he's lying through his teeth). Fred threatens to kill Hiram if he goes anywhere near Archie and damn the consequences (kind of funny how Jugdad's right there and doesn't bother to say "Oh, yeah, and if you go near Jughead...what he said." whilst pointing at Fred). Remember how well things went in the Season 2 final when Archie threatened Hiram? I guess his and Jughead's dads didn't get the memo. 

Other things going on - Archie being informed by the principal that his best bet is to repeat his junior year since he hasn't had time to study for the SATs (again, that's why it would've been a good idea to take study material with you which you could've read while sitting in a cabin in the middle of nowhere waiting for bears to appear and bitch-slap your stupid arse, Archie!), Veronica informing Reggie that Archie's back...which kind of puts a damper on 'Veggie', and Betty learning (from Josie's mum) that her mum forged her dad's signature to liquidate her funds. If she wants to undo it, she needs to go see dear ol' serial killer dad to get his actual/real signature on an affidavit, saying he never agreed to leave Betty penniless. About the only one who's not having a miserable time is Hiram, who's currently meeting with about a third of his Legion of Doom - namely Cheryl's mum and uncle. Apparently the fake nuns' loony bin is up for auction, there's various bidders in the running (including Polly's cult farm), and I was amused when Cheryl's mum sounded all hopeful about making it 'another brothel', which Hiram proceeded to shoot down as an idea. He has bigger plans than your whoring, Penelope! In the meantime, due to Replacement Sheriff losing his head (literally), the town needs a replacement for Replacement Sheriff, and Hiram's appointing Cheryl's Uncle Claudius - which he seems none-too-pleased about (and who can blame him, considering what happened to the previous sheriff?). 

It was mildly amusing watching Bughead attempt to help Archie study, as they seem reluctant to inform him that he sucked on his practice test that they gave him. Archie blah blahs about having changed too much - what, by becoming dumber? Jughead then goes off to a secret meeting with Fangs (who isn't kicked out of the Serpents anymore - that didn't last long - since last episode Jughead said he'd be going undercover with the Gargoylettes), is told that the Gargoylettes are in impressed with Fangs' fizzle rocks/drugs sales and he's found out there's going to be a ceremony with the Gargoyle King in attendance. While that's happening, Betty's convincing Archie to ditch the dark locks and return to his naturally bright red hair. It was probably so that when she takes him to the speakeasy, where everyone's throwing him that 'welcome home' party Veronica wanted to throw for him before he dumped her via phone, all the people there aren't confused when Archie enters and they're left wondering, "Who's this brunette guy?". Veronica proceeds to sing Archie a song in Spanish (since a Gargoylette scared Josie and she's ditched, Veronica has to do everything herself now), Reggie's seething, and Archie rudely runs out mid-performance (maybe he's just upset he couldn't understand a word of what Veronica was singing? Yet another thing Archie could've spent his time learning whilst stuck in a cabin). 

Betty's not having an overly fun time either, as she's visiting her dad in his Hannibal Lecter-esque cell, though he's nowhere near as effectively creepy as Dr. Lecter...but he tries to be. She explains the situation/why she's there, he just talks about the fact that she hasn't caught the Gargoyle King yet (hey, jerk, she's caught TWO OUT OF THREE season-long villains, so give her a break!), then says he's intrigued by G&G and if she wants him to sign the affidavit, she has to bring him one of the G&G manuals. Considering the manuals seem to cause those who read them to off themselves...would that really be such a bad thing, Betty? Just make sure you get his signature first. I still can't get over everyone going on about how much Archie has 'changed' - which is what Veggie discuss after he's left his party. This really seems to be a case of all the characters TELLING us he's 'changed', with no real evidence showing us. How is he any different? Because he wouldn't have walked out during the middle of Veronica's performance previously? That's the only thing I can think of that'd make Archie from 'then' different to Archie from 'now'. 

Hiram tells Hermione he's bought the loony bin, which she points out is great...except for the fact that it's probably haunted by the ghosts of all the fake nuns who died there. Since this is Riverdale, Hiram actually takes such things seriously and is having a 'cleansing' of evil spirits done. While this is happening, he wants her to go appoint Cheryl's uncle as sheriff, but she basically tells him to do it himself. He says they need someone they can trust in the sheriff's office (hence why he chose one of the members from his Legion of Doom), makes mentions of the 'expansions' he's been doing (Hermione doesn't even know what those are), then threatens her (for what feels like the 100th time), saying it'd be in everyone's best interests - especially hers - to do what he asked. Elsewhere, Betty's brought the G&G manual to her serial killer dad, he signs the affidavit, then they get talking about the Midnight Club and it's revealed that he was in fact the one who sent out all the invites to the Midnight Club's members, gathering them together, then dressed up as the Gargoyle King and poisoned the chalices that the principal drank from (which, according to Betty's dad, was an accident, as he'd intended to off as many members of the Midnight Club as he could because they were 'sinners'). He claims to be able to help her find out who the current Gargoyle King is, then as she's signing out, a guard says she and her mum keep missing each other. This confuses Betty, since as far as she knew her mum never visited her dad. 

At the Gargoylettes' ceremony, Fangs is among them and the Gargoyle King is indeed in attendance, though Fangs probably wasn't counting on part of his undercover mission involving him getting branded, so that's when the Serpents step in. They fight off some Gargoylettes, manage to subdue the Gargoyle King and finally unmask him to reveal...Tall Boy? Seriously? How disappointing. After being tied up, he reveals that he's been hiding out in Athens and it was him who paid Betty a visit at her house whilst dressed as the Gargoyle King. He calls her a 'bitch' and thankfully Jughead delivers a well-deserved punch to his face for that. Though Tall Boy doesn't learn his lesson (or maybe he just enjoys pain?), because then he purposely tries to get a reaction out of Sweet Pea and Fangs by going on about the enjoyment he got from carving a symbol into Joaquin's forehead after offing him. Clearly, those two want to tear Tall Boy limb from limb and Jughead's tempted to let them, the only thing that's stopping him is if Tall Boy agrees to help them get Hiram (who he's been working for). 

Betty tells her mum she found out she's been paying her dad visits in jail, but Alice claims she hasn't been since before this whole G&G thing started. Furthermore, she never told him about the 'ascension' night which he claimed to be present for, and she never saw him there, so Betty's theory that he was either there himself or someone told him about it leads her to call the jail and get a description of the woman who's been visiting him, saying she's Alice Cooper (hey, maybe it was the rock singer?). She finds out it was Cheryl's mum and when she meets with her to talk about it, Penelope's excuse is that she's really into serial killer types. Because the Blossoms weren't effed up enough already. Betty then goes back to her dad and eventually works out all his lies were just so she'd keep going back to see him. Once she realises this, she has no desire to return. 

The plan to get Hiram doesn't really work out, since the one who comes to meet the Gargoyle King ends up being Cheryl's uncle and the one in the Gargoyle King costume isn't Tall Boy, but in fact Jugdad. So they tricked each other! Now what? They make a 'citizen's arrest' of Cheryl's uncle, that's what. It's kind of funny how Veronica just keeps making herself at home in Archie's bedroom, but obviously she doesn't think it's funny, as she's too busy crying and that's because Archie found out from Reggie (who mistook what Archie was upset about earlier and wound up basically outing 'Veggie' to him) that she was with him whilst Archie was gone. It would've been nice if Archie had said, "I totally get it. I made out with someone else too while I was away. Guess that evens things out, huh? Let's have sex!". That's not quite what happens, but it does end with them having sex. I saw some comments from people calling Veronica a 'cheater' and whatnot, but if she is...then so is Archie. It's unfair to say one is and the other isn't. And, hey, there's always the Ross Geller defense (ie. THEY WERE ON A BREAK!). 

I guess Bughead either were really poor teachers or, the more likely scenario, Archie hasn't changed at all and gotten smarter (after killing off the 'stupid' part of himself) like he'd hoped, as he walks out of the SATs, unable to answer any questions, and when Veronica follows, she's informed by the teacher that if she goes after Archie, she's going to automatically get a zero/fail on her test. Have some sensitivity, teach! Her b/f just got attacked by a bear recently and she's just trying to be supportive/check that he's not slicing open his wrists or something. The teachers at that school are ALL jerks, it seems. Archie's in the men's room, remembering his past traumas and punching the mirror. While that's happening, Hiram's on the phone to Hermione saying that using Cheryl's uncle as a decoy worked like a charm and it's what's kept him alive...until he's promptly shot by an unseen shooter. Nice how the shooter waited until the perfect ironic moment to fire. At the hospital, Archie arrives after having been called by Veronica (I wonder if hard-ass teacher still said "You leave, you get a zero/fail!" or not?). Veronica's suspicious of Archie, since the shooting apparently occurred not long after he hightailed it out of the classroom. He's offended she'd even suggest that he shot her dad, but considering everything that's happened with him and Hiram, I can totally follow Veronica's logic as to how she could perceive Archie being the culprit. And let us not forget ARCHIE'S CHANGED (according to everyone), so while he mightn't have been capable of attempted murder before, his hair and new attitude suggested otherwise to Veronica, it would seem. This is what 'officially' breaks them up apparently (though you said you were broken up with her when you left, Archie). 

While Jughead and his dad were away, something happened that led to Sweet Pea and Fangs killing Tall Boy (this is the second time a murder has happened offscreen. I count the first as when Chic offed the shady guy last season). They're freaking out, but Jughead has the brilliant idea of throwing a party - that'll make everything better! At the Andrews residence, Fred's all like, "You must be so glad that someone finally offed your archenemy, son!" to Archie, but he's too busy feeling sorry for himself. Jugdad is called to the hospital after Cheryl's uncle is found dead in his cell. Betty goes to talk to her dad, despite saying she never would again, because even talking to a serial killer is preferable to dealing with her mum right now. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but when Reggie pays Veronica a visit as moral support, the gifts he brings for her dad make it seem as if Reggie thought Hiram was giving birth to a boy. WTF? At the Serpents' party, they're celebrating Hiram being shot, Sweet Pea and Fangs aren't real good at pretending everything is fine, it looks like the jig is up when a police car arrives...but it's Jugdad, now Sheriff Jugdad, since Hermione made him sheriff (to be fair, his only competition for the job was now dead. Doesn't exactly bode well for Sheriff Jugdad). Since the sheriff is one of their own, now it's all like "YAY! We don't have to worry about having offed someone! Jugdad will be fine with it/won't throw us in jail over it!". The episode ends with Archie working out his issues on a punching bag in his room (shirtless, of course), sipping some booze (*GASP* Would it be...rum? Does Archie know what rum is now?) and I guess this is meant to be further evidence that he's 'changed'...but to me it's no different to how he was in juvie. Although some big revelations happened this episode, I still wasn't that fond of it, even with the new mystery of 'Who Shot Mr. Burns Hiram Lodge?'. Hell, I didn't even feel compelled to include any pics or GIFs from the episode in this review (which just shows my lack of enthusiasm for it). Plus, no Cheryl automatically makes me like an episode less.

This is the third episode in a row I feel I've been pretty bored by - which I shouldn't have been, considering all the big revelations/developments that occur. The 'noir' feel they were going for with this episode (especially the Jughead and Veronica stuff at the beginning and end, when she comes to him about finding out who tried to kill her dad) was about as subtle as a sledgehammer. I was actually surprised they didn't just have the episode be black & white and everyone wearing clothes that would fit the old 'noir' types of films (though Veronica's hat did, at least). Jughead's voiceover was even more 'Jughead voiceover' than usual, since it actually belongs in the 'noir' setting. How bad are Serpents at lying? Pretty bad, apparently, considering Sheriff Jugdad can tell they're lying about having ran Tall Boy out of town. He's like, "Come up with a better lie to tell me by the time I get back!" (I don't know why they wouldn't just come clean. I mean, they were all celebrating Hiram getting shot, so why not think Jugdad would be cool with an ex-Serpent being offed too, since he deserved it?). Also, it would seem Sheriff Jugdad tragically lost his sense of smell at some point in the past, since he doesn't smell the rotting corpse of Tall Boy under the bed.

Betty's still paying visits to her serial killer dad, digging into the death of Cheryl's uncle in his cell and convinced it wasn't a suicide like it appeared to be. She thinks Cheryl's mum has been killing a bunch of people via poison and is gonna prove it! Cheryl was there when her dad supposedly hung himself, so as a witness, she can help testify that Penelope's been the one offing her husband, her husband's brother, dead Dilton's dead dad, etc...right? Apparently not, since after Cheryl's all welcoming to Betty and saying, "Mourn with us, cousin." at her uncle's funeral (I love the way she says that. Despite her not trying to be, it still sounds kind of creepy), Betty makes clear why she's there and Cheryl's had enough of her conspiracy theories (blame Jughead! He's rubbed off on Betty...in more ways than one) and wants her to go. Toni backs her up. It would appear the show's still trying to illustrate that 'new Archie' is different from 'old Archie' and their way of proving that is...by having him pick fights, get drunk (remember when he wasn't even sure what 'rum' meant?) and just generally being a dick to people. If this is 'new Archie', then let's get 'old Archie' back! He may have been dumb, but he was less insufferable. Josie's there to slap some sense into Archie and give him a cold shower (miracle of miracles! He manages to have a shower without being shirtless!). Too bad I don't like Josie as a character, otherwise I might've been able to enjoy their 'bonding' time or whatever it was supposed to be. 

Meanwhile, with her dad out of commission, Veronica's trying to get rid of his drug labs and whatnot, but her mum is all like, "Why don't we just sell them and make MONEY?!". We get the return of Smithers, who's helpful to Veronica, as is Reggie (I was amused when he told Veronica her plan sounded like the plot of Bad Boys II and then her side-eyes reaction to it). Together, all three manage to pull off an elaborate ruse to collect from Hiram's businesses he had a hand in. They also burn all the fizzle rocks/drugs (which turns out to not be such a brilliant idea later on). While that's happening, Betty and Jughead are finding out about Cheryl's mum having a secret brothel, Jughead finds out that his dad shot Hiram at Hermione's bidding (though the payback he got to have against Hiram was just a nice bonus for him), but then Jughead also finds out Hermione set up his dad by making him sheriff, so he could take the blame for shooting Hiram, he warns his dad, who then kills two birds with one stone (metaphorically-speaking) by shifting the blame for Hiram's shooting onto Tall Boy (who he's found out is in fact dead, since his son and his friends are so crap at hiding a body/keeping a secret) and outsmarts Hermione by saying he was forced to shoot Tall Boy (thus, Tall Boy being dead is explained and Jugdad can no longer be held responsible for shooting Hiram).

Something no one was counting on, though, was Replacement Sheriff (now Replacement Ex-Sheriff) still being alive and in bed (metaphorically and literally) with Hermione. She uses him to go finish Hiram off, but Archie (who originally went there to finish off Hiram himself) ends up stopping Replacement Ex-Sheriff (who's in disguise) and saving Hiram instead. When Veronica asks why Archie was even there, he lies and doesn't say, "Well, I came to off your dad...but someone beat me to it, damn it!" (though he does supposedly come to a 'truce' with Hiram, once he's informed Archie saved him. We'll see how long that lasts). Hermione, once she's gone another round with Replacement Ex-Sheriff in bed, is probably thinking something along the lines of "If you need something done, do it yourself."/"Never send a man to do a woman's job." as she plugs Replacement Ex-Sheriff full of holes. So, this makes at least three characters who were thought to be dead, then weren't, only to actually wind up for really reals dead not long after the revelation of them not being dead in the first place. Suffice to say, Riverdale has gotten very convoluted. Veronica sums it up best after she returns to Jughead at the end of the episode and basically says, "Yeah, about finding out who tried to kill my dad...who cares? There's going to be someone trying to kill somebody in this town every other week." *yawn*



I can already tell my interest in the show is starting to wane, when I can manage to review the episodes within a handful of paragraphs. This episode seemed to focus on Kevin and Josie - which wasn't a good sign, since I find both their characters equal parts boring and annoying. Their parents want a simple wedding, which they don't agree with, we meet Moose's dad - who Josie's mum believes has a crush on her and is pissed she's now with Kevin's dad (but we later find out just how wrong she is), Cheryl and Toni have a nice moment in bed together regarding checking their SATs scores (Choni shippers should cherish it, as it'll probably be their last 'nice' moment together for some time), Cheryl goes for an interview at the prestigious college she wants to get into, but despite having an almost perfect SAT score and plenty of qualifications, she's informed they want to 'diversify' outside the 'alumni pool'. Cheryl works out that means her mum had a hand in this (I was amused by her line "I'm just imagining which board member in particular suddenly developed a conscience.") and when she confronts Penelope about it, she freely admits to it, calling her daughter a 'aberration' - which Cheryl counters, calling her mum a 'twice-widowed dominatrix with a proclivity for poison' and threatens to share with the alumni newsletter, but Penelope isn't worried since she's given them lots of money over the years).

Moose still hasn't come out to his dad, Kevin keeps pressuring him to do so and talks to Cheryl about it, so then Cheryl (in her typical Cheryl way) tries to 'help' by announcing a support group for others like her in the LGBTQIA (I stopped knowing WTF those letters stood for after the 'Q') community and 'subtly' (well, subtly for her) referencing Moose - which basically 'outs' him to everyone. This doesn't just piss off Moose, but also Kevin (c'mon, Kev, it was only one step further to what you'd been doing) and Toni (who's pissed because her uncle apparently hated her dating girls and she thinks Kevin's dad might've harmed him had he heard the announcement). While she does call Cheryl out on her not thinking through her actions, she should've known by now this is who Cheryl is and not have been so surprised by it. Cheryl, for her part, apologises to Toni and says she's going to fix it. The first step is 'Operation Fifty Shades of Blackmail', which involves them photographing Penelope's clientele at her brothel and threatening to go public with the photos/names if she doesn't revoke her ban on Cheryl's admittance to the college. 

The next time Cheryl goes to see the headmistress for the college, she's naturally changed her tune. Cheryl figures she's a shoe-in now, and since the headmistress only grants a certain amount of interviews, Cheryl gives up her interview time so Toni can have it instead - giving her a good shot at being admitted to a college that she'd said (during their fight) she never would've had a chance with before. I think the final part of Cheryl's attempt to make everything right is apologising to Moose. While he's still not happy about what she did, at least he finally ended up coming out to his dad (who seemed to take the news okay) and he and Kevin have planned a hot night together in dead Dilton's bunker (I'm not sure dead Dilton ever intended for his bunker to become a love shack, but at least it's getting used/not just gathering dust). The scene ends amusingly, with Cheryl suggesting they bring a fresh change of sheets since a lot of people have had sex on the cot in that bunker. I saw people giving Cheryl hell for her actions this episode, but like Toni, they should know how Cheryl is at this point and while it's still not 'right' what she did, she was trying to help in her own way. She just needs to think things through more. 

Meanwhile, the parents of all the main 'teens' in the show have received warnings from the Gargoyle King (I guess Tall Boy wasn't 'The' Gargoyle King after all) that they need to finish 'ascension night' which they started all those years ago. It was funny seeing them break into the school, since they're grown-arse adults who really shouldn't be doing such things, not to mention Hiram seems to have recovered well so soon after having been shot. They eventually work out that the Gargoyle King's plan wasn't about getting them, but rather distracting them so he could get at their kids instead. There's a somewhat amusing sequence where the parents call their kids - who just so happen to all be having sex at around the same time in different places. After almost everyone answers their parents' calls, saying something to the effect of "Uh...I'm kinda in the middle of something here, mum/dad.", it appears Kevin and Moose are the ones who're done for, as the Gargoylettes pay them a visit, kidnapping them and taking them to the Gargoyle King who forces them to roll the dice and drink from the chalices (one of which is most assuredly poisoned).

Kevin says he'll go first, and just as he's about to drink, the cavalry arrive in the form of Kevin's dad, Sheriff Jugdad and his deputies, Toni and Cheryl with her bow & arrows (she shoots an arrow into the Gargoyle King). They capture the Gargoylettes and unmask the Gargoyle King who ends up being...Moose's dad. Clearly, Moose's dad isn't 'The' Gargoyle King (just like Tall Boy wasn't), he's just another one using that guise, and apparently he wasn't so cool with Moose coming out to him after all, but that's because he had a thing for Kevin's dad in the past, tried to kiss him, but was rejected...so now he wanted to take out his anger on their kids, I guess. That's messed up, which Sheriff Jugdad points out to him (though it's because of the fake nuns from the loony bin who subjected him to their conversion therapy). So, on the plus side, Moose lived...but on the downside, he's apparently moving away now (too bad we never got to hear him say "Stay out of Riverdale!" to anyone before he left. Instead, it seems he's the one who'll be 'staying out of Riverdale'. Oh, the irony). Cheryl has one more step in her 'Make things right' three-step plan (a bonus Step 4, it would appear) and that is to give Toni a new family, since she's lost her previous one after having been kicked out of the Serpents. Cheryl's gathered a bunch of like-minded women together and says they're starting a new gang. Together, Cheryl and Toni come up with the name 'Pretty Poisons' - since they're 'pretty by day, poison by night'. Now you just need to assign each of you a plant name, Cheryl, and appoint yourself Poison Ivy - then your journey towards becoming a supervillain will be COMPLETE!

While all this^ is going on, Veronica's mum informs Veronica and Reggie that they are in big strife since they burned all the fizzle rocks/drugs from Hiram's drug labs and Hermione already had a buyer for them who's going to want to collect. Veronica takes it upon herself to sort this out, Reggie reckons he can steal money from his dad (who totally deserves it, since he beats Reggie regularly), though they weren't counting on a dye pack exploding when they open the bag of money they stole. Even more surprising is when the one they go to meet ends up being Jughead's mum. They don't have enough money, but work out a deal with her (which she wants to keep secret from Jughead, naturally). Although Jughead and Sheriff Jugdad are happy to see Jugmum and Jugsis (who's come along too), at the end of the episode we find out the two lady Jugs are up to no good and have their own nefarious plans. The most boring storyline of the episode is Archie and Josie, as it just seems to be about them getting back into their music (*yawn*), Josie reckons she can't do the relationship thing with Sweet Pea and he's had enough of her only coming to him when it suits her, so then she quickly moves onto Archie (who just recently broke up with Veronica) and it would appear Archie's the biggest whore in the show (he should go work at Penelope's brothel). The two sing, snog and nearly put me to sleep. Though at least if all their scenes are together, it means I now know when to take my toilet breaks during episodes.

The next episode isn't really any better than the last one. As if Archie's story wasn't already boring enough, he then decides to get into boxing (because apparently Archie changes his mind about what sport he's into every month or so - I guess wrestling didn't last long?). He wants Kevin's dad to be his coach, but is too impatient with getting in the ring, so then he takes Veronica's suitor (the one who tried to rip her off on casino night at her speakeasy) up on his offer - he has a fight planned, Archie will get paid, but he has to throw the fight. He's not really down with this, but the allure of money is too great. He then later changes his mind, and even gives the money back, but Veronica's suitor says it's too late for that and tells his own fighter to kill Archie in the ring. While that doesn't happen, Archie still doesn't get counted as the 'winner' (even though, as far as Kevin's dad is concerned, Archie clearly won). I think there's more stuff between him and Josie, but since they bore me to tears, I don't remember any of it.

Slightly more memorable is Veronica and the hole she's dug herself into with Jugmum. She's got her own parents to deal with, Jughead's mum to deal with and now she owes her dad money on top of what she owes Jugmum. At this point, I think she's going to have to knock over a bank or steal a rare diamond to find all this money she owes people. Though she's not having the worst time out of everyone - I think that 'honour' goes to Betty, whose mum is going to get 'baptised' by Polly's cult farm, but she learns from another woman who went through this that it means almost certain death. Upon learning this, Betty runs (why doesn't she have a car or motorcycle or even a pushbike? Or maybe when she didn't get through to her mum on the phone, she should've called someone/anyone else?) all that way to the baptism and is just in time to see Polly basically drowning her mum. Betty is the only one who tries to help her, she manages to revive Alice, but this whole near-death experience hasn't changed her outlook on the cult farm one bit. If anything, she's even more nutso now, as she apparently wants to sell their house so they can be together at the cult farm. Poor Betty, she seems to be all alone. Her mum and sister are crazy cultists, her dad's a serial killer who's locked up, and none of her friends really seem to be there for her.

Meanwhile, Cheryl and Toni's new gang - the Pretty Poisons - are causing headaches for Jughead and his Serpents, since all the women apparently left them to go join this new gang (and who can blame them? Cheryl teaches them archery and everything!). Jughead's got to find new people to recruit and his choices basically boil down to the Ghoulies or the Gargoylettes (I think maybe the former has even joined the latter? I honestly can't keep track of all these different gangs). Anyway, Jughead tries to lure Toni back, saying that she's just Cheryl's 'vanity project', and this is the beginning of a rift between Choni (thanks a BUNCH, Jughead, you jerk!), as Cheryl takes out the Pretty Poisons to show Sweet Pea and Fangs (who are dismissive/insulting towards them) who's boss, they beat them up, but this doesn't go over well with Toni who later confronts Cheryl and demands to know whose gang the Pretty Poisons is - hers or Cheryl's (well, since we haven't actually seen you doing anything with your gang so far, Toni, maybe you should actually start leading them?). Cheryl says they're Toni's and Toni tells Cheryl never to deploy the Pretty Poisons again without her say so. It was weird how these two seemed to be forgotten about/had their storyline dropped partway through the episode, but clearly this isn't going to end well. It's rather disappointing, as is the fact that the last five episodes in a row have been pretty boring (despite the big revelations/developments that occurred). Here's hoping things improve.

I still hate that Alice is selling the house she and Betty live in (as if Betty hasn't lost enough already), but it was worth it for all of Betty's comments, illustrating just how messed up their house was to the potential buyers of it. 







It's rare that we get to see Betty be amusing, so this was most welcome. It still sucks that she's having to try to keep her family (what remains of it, anyway) together and Alice is doing everything she can to tear it apart by joining Polly's cult farm. Evelyn's horrible too. The quicker she can get offed by whatever killer's not in jail or dead, the better. And to top things off, Betty doesn't even have Kevin as a friend anymore (not that he's been much of one for a while now), since he too has been recruited by the cult farm and is acting like a pod person. Even when Betty sees the crazy cultists holding their hands over bunsen burners at school, this isn't enough to have the principal sort them out. In fact, the principal seems to be more worried about petty squabbles between the different gangs (remember when he wouldn't even let the Serpents wear their jackets? Now multiple gangs are allowed at school - Serpents, Pretty Poisons, Gargoylettes, Ghoulies...or 'Garghoulies', I guess, since they combined), and even more baffling is when the emo Garghoulie leader hangs Fangs upside down and drops him to what would've been his death if Jughead & co hadn't softened the landing, that's still not enough for the principal to take action...but getting into fights is where he draws the line, telling Jughead and Toni to get their respective gangs under control. 

Their solution? Well, Jughead tries to have the Serpents and Garghoulies getting along, but emo Garghoulie leader has proven he's nothing but trouble (not sure why Jughead doesn't get his dad, the SHERIFF, to arrest the psycho and throw him in jail), so then Jughead decides the Serpents' new purpose will be acting as deputies to Sheriff Jugdad (how is that even allowed?), giving emo Garghoulie leader an ultimatum to fall into line or take a hike. Naturally, he chooses the latter (and the Serpents' new place to hang is the Gargoylettes' creepy old lair with a hit list that has Archie's name on it). Meanwhile, the Pretty Poisons are hired by Veronica as the 'muscle' at her speakeasy (because both Veronica's dad and Jughead's mum have been causing problems there for Veronica and she's over it), Toni doesn't consult Cheryl about it (though since it's Toni's gang, she doesn't need to - but Cheryl obviously isn't impressed. I think those saying she was being 'emotionally abusive' towards Toni were going a bit far. That implies Toni's not strong enough to stand up to Cheryl - which she is), Cheryl more or less says to Toni that if she kicks her out of the gang, they are going to have to find a new place to hang since they've been using Cheryl's place as their hangout (let's not forget, Cheryl is the one we've actually seen training the Pretty Poisons. What have we seen Toni do with them thus far?). I hate that they're already having a 'rift' when they haven't even been happily together for that long.

The WORST storyline this episode is, of course, Archie's - as it involves a kid (always a bad news), who he tries to help by giving him shelter, food, finding a nice family for him to live with...and how's the turd pay Archie back? By slicing him in his favourite place to be sliced/stabbed/clawed (seriously, everyone seems to go for that same spot on Archie's torso). How I wished that psycho little shit had been made to pay - but, no, he gets away scot-free (I was just thankful Vegas the dog was absent, as I would've been freaking out about his safety otherwise). Earlier, when Archie had invited the turd to meet his dad, the fact that we never saw them meeting made me wonder if this was when Luke Perry passed away, though I'd seen his name in the credits at the beginning of the episode, and since this show doesn't include the actors'/actresses' names unless they're actually in the episode, I was waiting for him to appear.

So, it was slightly surprising when he appeared just in time to help Archie after his attack from the psycho little shit and then even more surprising when the episode ended with an 'In Memoriam' tribute to Luke Perry. I mean, I'd suspected something was up with how little he appeared in the episode, but I thought he'd just suddenly stop appearing in episodes and that would be that. It was good if his final scene ends up being him helping Archie, giving him one of his usual father/son talks (telling Archie he's not an idiot, he just has a big heart - which isn't quite true, but if these end up being his final words, then at least they were something nice/positive), but I'm guessing maybe he'd shot some other episodes before passing away? If so, I just hope his last scene in the show doesn't end up being him having an argument with Archie or something mundane like, "I'm going to the store to get more milk." (RIP, Luke Perry. You played the most sane/emotionally stable parent on this show and will be missed). 

The episode ends with Betty finally having had enough of her nutjob of a mum and taking action (maybe Cheryl gave her some advice/pointers), as we previously saw her doing the hand-over-flame trick, thinking she might join the cult farm, but instead she walks downstairs with the candle (it was weird seeing someone using a candle during the daytime) and then next thing she's with Jughead and he's wondering why she looks so happy - that's 'cause she just went all Cheryl Blossom on her house, Jughead! Which, obviously, Alice isn't too happy to see - but it's what she deserves for putting her daughter through hell. Go Betty!





So, in the next episode we discover that the anonymous buyer of the Cooper house was Jugmum, she and the rest of the fam go to check it out, and that's when those who weren't in the know learn who's buying what. Cue awkwardness (Jughead's like, "I ain't gonna live in my g/f's house!"). I'm surprised it's still standing, but even more surprised that there appeared to be minimal damage inside, considering last episode ended with seemingly a LOT of the living room on fire. We didn't even see how it was put out! And there's no water everywhere. Did it just put itself out? Is the Cooper house possessed? Wouldn't put it past this show. Anyway, Jughead suggests Betty continue living in her room in the house and stay with his non-cultish family (though unbeknownst to him, his mum and sister are up to some shady business - 'shady' seems to be the show's new favourite word, as I keep hearing it uttered by different characters to describe goings on, other characters, etc), but Betty doesn't take him up on the offer - not sure why. It'd be a heck of a lot easier than having to move all her stuff out of there, not to mention who knows what they'll do to her room? I would've said 'yes' if I was Betty (and I don't even like Jughead).

It was nice to get a scene with Bughead and Archie (there's been so few scenes featuring the core four, and while we got one with them last episode, this episode it was just the trio...but still, better than nothing). Archie's mission this episode is to get some wannabe assassins (that's basically what they are) off his back as, pre-truce, Hiram sent cards to various people telling them to take out Archie. Obviously he hasn't bothered to distribute other cards saying "scratch that", so Archie's having to find a solution (after that psycho little shit last episode added to Archie's already impressive number of scars...or rather, scars that he should have. I don't personally pay close attention to Archie's torso, so I'm not sure if the continuity/makeup people have remembered to give him however many scars he should have by now each time he takes his shirt off. Maybe that's why it seems like he gets slashed/stabbed in the same place every time? It's just fresh scars over the old ones and no need to have them all over his body in different places). 

So, together the trio decide that the best course of action is to tell Sheriff Jugdad bring all the wannabe assassins to Archie as part of a G&G 'quest' (since even wannabe assassins are into G&G) and have him take them all on one at a time in an old boxing ring Hiram gives to him. Since Archie won every match in 'the pit' at juvie, taking on some cosplayers isn't that hard for him. At least not until one of them bites him (I guess their G&G character is a vampire?). This doesn't seem to effect him too much, though. However, when one of the guards from juvie who was pretty rough on Archie turns up, that presents him with a bit of a challenge. Naturally, he overcomes it and slogs the guy good. I guess all the wannabe assassins just accept Jughead as game master and when he says that if none of them defeat Archie, then the quest to kill him is over, they obey that rule. 

While that's^ happening, Veronica tells Betty about Jughead's mum being the one who's taking over the drug trade (to her credit, Veronica doesn't keep this information to herself and neither does Betty, who tells Jughead pretty soon after hearing it. Even better - he takes her at her word, more or less, and there's no distrust between any of the characters. It's refreshing that they avoided unnecessary drama). It was nice to have a scene between B & V, since it feels like we don't get many of those (they were so close in Season 1. What happened?). Too bad Veronica couldn't be with the other three earlier on in their scene together, but she has her own stuff to deal with - namely Reggie being pissed that he had to give Jugmum his car that he loves (as part of their paying her back) and feeling unappreciated by Veronica. He wants to be an equal partner with her, but she's not really into that idea. She buys his car back from Jugmum, but that's not enough for him. Hey, Reggie, if you want to be an equal partner...you can have half of Veronica's debt she owes everyone! How's THAT for 'equal'?

Choni are still on shaky ground, as Toni is not wanting to go on a holiday with Cheryl, instead singing with Veronica at her speakeasy. I appreciated that we were treated to the requisite Cheryl slow-mo entrance...but that and the steamy Choni sex scene earlier didn't really make up for the fact that they seem to be breaking up because Cheryl wants Toni to be more focused on them as a couple than on her gang and Toni's not on board with that. She's also moving out. Such a shame about this, since they were good together up until the writers decided to make Cheryl too controlling. I did enjoy her barking orders at Kevin, though, as he's been a dick since joining Polly's cult farm. Like last season with the episode before the musical episode, there was a really awkward/rather forced part from Cheryl in this one mentioning a musical version of the movie Heathers (whilst playing croquet, as an 'homage' to that movie). It just kind of comes out of nowhere and it's like an obvious lead-in to the following episode, but it doesn't matter whether it fits or not. It's as if Cheryl just randomly gets these musical ideas and then they come into existence through the sheer power of her will (though if anyone could manage that, it's Cheryl Blossom). 





The only other storyline this episode that I could recall was it being Jugdad's birthday, Veronica throws him a bash at her speakeasy, Fred shows up (so I guess Luke Perry did film more episodes after all. It's going to be tough watching him have scenes in episodes, wondering which will be his final one). At least he had a good scene with Jugdad as they reminisced, and some of his lines took on more meaning (since we know he won't be around in the show much longer). Jughead also gives a heartfelt speech to his dad onstage, and he stealthily tells his mum she better watch it and not screw up their family, now that he knows she's doing shady stuff (well...more shady stuff than what he was already aware of) thanks to what Veronica told Betty to tell him. I'm still waiting for the show to pick up the pace a bit. It seems to be dragging. Hopefully the musical episode can liven things up.

Unlike a lot of people, I'm not opposed to this show doing a musical episode once per season (as seems to be the pattern - excluding Season 1, of course). So long as it remains only one per season, then that's fine with me. Reading comments from people acting like a musical is THE WORST THING EVER sort of amuses me, because trying to figure out why they're so opposed to seeing characters sing what they're feeling makes me wonder if those people have some deep-seated issues or something. It's people singing! What's the big deal? If it was people singing BADLY, then I would complain. Having said that, I wasn't really fussed on the opening number (though I was amused that Veronica's mum came to the principal to object to them performing Heathers: The Musical because of its themes, and then when Kevin sung his justification for it, Hermione just had to stand around awkwardly and listen to it). I mean, everyone sung it fine (from what I can recall), but it seemed a lot more like a traditional 'musical', with everyone singing parts of the song whilst being in totally different places - there was even teleportation involved, with Veronica and Betty going from wherever they were to being at the school hallway to back up Cheryl (though all three looked great in their Heathers movie colours) - and whether it made sense for them to be singing or not. From what I remembered of last season's musical episode, it seemed most of the singing was restricted to when it made sense for the characters to sing (though maybe I'm remembering it wrong). I didn't mind the 'Candy Store' number later on (I was amused by the sound effects used, like hair flipping/swinging whooshes and whatnot), where Choni aired out their grievances (though, surprisingly, that wasn't where they 'made up' again - that came in a later scene).




I really didn't think much of the 'Big Fun' number - though that may have been because it featured Evelyn (who I can't stand) and her singing (which I thought was meh) whilst using the musical to recruit for the cult farm. I almost cheered when Cheryl called her 'Child of the Corn'. Speaking of Cheryl, I read comments online from people saying that her whole "Here, I invented red. I AM red." rant to Toni, after seeing she was wearing what she deemed her 'signature colour', was 'cringy' and whatnot...but, honestly, Cheryl's always had a flair to the way she talks. It's nothing new. To me it lines up with how she's always been presented right from the very first episode, so while it was a bit ridiculous for her to call 'dibs' on a colour, I'd expect nothing less from Cheryl Blossom. You either accept the way she is (including how she talks) or you don't. While I can admit she has been hard to like in recent episodes, I was glad that she and Toni finally talked out their feelings later on. So, for once it wasn't the magic of singing that mended fences, but actual talking (who'da thunk it?). Hopefully now the petty squabbling can cease.





Other things going on in this episode (that I couldn't care less about) - Archie & Josie having their 'relationship' (if one can even call it that) outed to everyone (Archie seems more into Josie than vice versa - though we all know he'll find someone else to pursue in no time, as it seems like he's working his way through every female in the school), Veronica being upset that her parents are getting divorced because Hiram apparently draws the line at Hermione trying to kill him twice (which he just found out, though that's rich coming from him, considering we only just recently discovered he handed out cards to wannabe assassins to take out Archie among other evil acts he's committed), Reggie thinks Veronica got with him because of jealousy over Archie being with Josie (but Veronica didn't even know about that until they were outed by Sweet Pea, who'd seen them snogging and was 'hurt'. Dude, so much for being a big tough Serpent like you always pretended to be) but she tells him it's to do with her parents splitting (didn't you want your mum away from your dad at one point, Veronica? Make up your mind! Though I did like your song you sang by yourself), Kevin's sucking Fangs into the cult farm (as well as snogging him. Does this make them 'Kevangs'? 'Kangs'?), while also experiencing visions of dead Midge from last season's musical and the guilt he feels over that production.

Slightly more interesting than those^ things was Bughead hatching a plan to run Jugmum out of town by destroying her drug trade she's taken over from Hiram - namely by burning down the trailer Jughead and his dad lived in that got towed away and turned into a drug lab. It was kind of amusing watching them sit in their car like they were having a sweet date as they watched the trailer burn. This, coupled with attempting to burn down her house, tends to suggest Betty's becoming a bit of a pyromaniac. Careful, Betty, next thing Cheryl will be coming after you and saying, "Burning down things is MY signature move! I invented burning down things. I AM fire!". I was glad to see Bughead working as a team again, and I'd totally thought Jughead was going to be the only one not singing (like during last season's musical), but then when he appeared to get one line during Betty's part of the opening song, I was slightly surprised and then thought maybe that'd be it. I was wrong. He actually got a decent amount of singing with Betty later on (Cole Sprouse is decent, so obviously the writers didn't have him not-sing in the last musical because he's bad. Though he's not up to the same standard as some of the others, at least he didn't sound as average as Evelyn), but I was amused during the final song where he seemed to be singing unenthusiastically to start with (since Jughead was dragged into that number at the last minute). 

The episode ends with Chad Michael Murray being the first to applaud the final performance, and it's revealed that he is Evelyn's dad/that 'Edgar' character who Betty's mum hasn't shut up about since the beginning of the season (ie. the cult farm's leader), then other members of the audience who are also obviously part of the cult farm join him in his creepy applause (including the principal, who Betty found out earlier had gotten involved with them since he totally dismissed the evidence she brought to him that Evelyn was using the musical to indoctrinate students into the cult). So, CMM's playing a creepy leader of a crazy cult - makes a certain kind of sense, I guess. It was noticeable that Archie's dad wasn't shown in the audience, there to support Archie - which has me wondering if there's any other episodes Luke Perry filmed before his passing or not. I didn't think this musical was as good as last season's - there wasn't any dead bodies or Cheryl threatening people whilst covered in blood and holding a candelabra - but it was okay. Certainly not as 'awful' as some made it out to be.

At the start of the next episode, Jugdad and Kevin's dad are training the Serpents, but reckon they're not ready to take on the Garghoulies. Archie gets a call from his juvie buddy, Mad Dog (who still isn't dead, apparently. I guess he beat all those guards who he took on, allowing Archie to escape), about the detention centre shutting down - which sounds like a good thing until he reveals that they'll be getting sent to Hiram's new prison where their life isn't exactly going to improve, but then with Veronica's help (and with a little blackmailing of the governor), Archie manages to pay Mad Dog back by getting him and the others free - though Mad Dog's grandma and little brother have moved into a shithole which has been taken over by Garghoulies and they're cooking drugs there, etc.

So, the Serpents' training from the start of the episode comes in handy, as they raid the place, taking out Garghoulies, trying their best to out-do the hallway fights from Daredevil (but not really succeeding) and then Jughead captures the emo Garghoulie leader, who shoves them both out a window and they miraculously survive the fall (despite the fact that they really shouldn't have). In the end, Mad Dog has taken Veronica's suitor up on his offer to fight for him since he gave Mad Dog's family a nicer place to live in. Jughead's also been dealing with his mum who seems to almost be on the same level as Cheryl's mum as far as being a bad parent is concerned. He wants to tell his dad she's up to no good but she keeps preventing him doing that, then at the very end of the episode Jugdad stumbles upon one of Archie's juvie buddies (the ridiculously named - even for this show - 'Baby Teeth') who has been sacrificed to the Gargoyle King and is missing his teeth (naturally).

I still don't know what the point of Veronica being so concerned about her parents splitting up is. Numerous times she told her mum to get away from her dad, but now that's actually happening...she's against it? She even says at one point she split with Archie because she chose her family over him (hey, Hiram, remember when you were tormenting Archie because your daughter chose him over you? Well...you can't complain about that now). She goes so far as to anonymously send some dead fish to 'threaten' her mum so that her dad will be forced to stay with her...but that doesn't work. This whole storyline seems rather pointless. The most interesting storyline is Betty wanting Cheryl to go undercover at the cult farm. I was amused when Cheryl was answering the question about her favourite colour and couldn't just leave it simply as being 'red' - she had to go on about some fancy name for the colour and Betty (who was listening in) just rolled her eyes at that. 



I was also amused during their bathroom conversation when one girl came in to use the toilets and Cheryl just did her Cheryl thing, then the girl promptly left (reminded me of a scene from the first episode of Hannibal). It was nice to see Betty and Cheryl (Beryl?) working together (just like it was nice to have a Betty and Veronica scene earlier on), but it all went pear-shaped when Cheryl was led to a room and the next time Betty saw her at school she'd joined the pod people, wishing to return to the cult farm but not to be Betty's spy anymore. Damn it, Betty, you really should've had a back-up plan to prevent Cheryl from becoming yet another recruit! You're just helping them add to their number now! And as if it wasn't already obvious Cheryl is not herself...she even ditched the red (which, oddly, Betty made up for with her wardrobe).



In the following episode, I was amused when cult farm leader, Edgar, was telling Betty his origin story which included him walking through the desert and finding a tree on a hill (shoutout to that other show CMM appeared in, perhaps? I have that on DVD, but haven't watched it yet). I'm so glad that Betty seems to not be buying into any of Edgar's BS - since everyone else seems to be, including poor Cheryl who is convinced she's been seeing Jason. Even when Betty tries to use logic with her or has Toni show Cheryl the video of her dad shooting her brother, it's still not enough to convince her (I think that's realistic, though, that those sucked into a cult can explain away anything that might interfere with their beliefs). It was gearing up to be a sad moment when it seemed like Cheryl was choosing the cult farm/Jason over Toni (since they'd given her an ultimatum to choose between the two), but then Toni joined and is now Betty's undercover person...because that worked out so well the last time, Betty? For a minute there, Toni was back to being how she first was around Betty, getting mad at her/holding her responsible for Cheryl being sucked into the cult. However, by the end of the episode she was reassuring Betty that she wasn't a psycho like her dad and joined Cheryl in her slow-mo strut through the school hallways (in ALL WHITE. Cheryl not wearing red is just wrong - shows what that crazy cult has done to her ). 



Betty continues to be the only one really trying to sort out this whole cult farm mess, but unfortunately she's also still going to her serial killer dad for advice (apparently Alice is divorcing him - seems to be a lot of that going around, just ask Veronica). And in an effort to get through to her crazy mum - who thinks she's seeing her real son, Charles (who Chic pretended to be last season), in much the same way as Cheryl thinks she's seeing Jason - Betty chloroforms Alice and handcuffs her to the cot apparently lots of people have had sex on (according to Cheryl earlier in the season) in dead Dilton's bunker, leaving her there with a photo album to look through (to remind her of her real non-dead/hallucinatory family) as she goes off to school. What if Alice needed to go to the toilet? Did you at least leave her a bucket, Betty? Not that she really deserves one with the way she's been acting (but just think of the mess you'd have to clean up. Plus the smell). Instead of being concerned about answering the call of nature, Alice is busy somehow finding a way to start a fire (so it's not just Betty who's a pyromaniac now. She, her mum and Cheryl could be a trio of pyros!) and burn the family album by the time Betty returns. So...that didn't work, faking Charles' tombstone (in the hope of proving to Alice he's dead/gone) didn't work, and this leaves Betty with no other choice but to send Alice back to the cult farm (since she was looking pretty rough) and telling Evelyn to take care of her. Speaking of that annoyance, I LOVED the scene earlier on where Betty went all 'Dark Betty' on Evelyn. It was quite awesome. 



Another annoyance resurfaced this episode - namely that psycho little shit who tried to kill Archie a few episodes back. He returns, engages Jughead's sister in a game of G&G at Pop's diner (how is it wearing a hat managed to make him unrecogniseable to Pop, who knew what the kid looked like from the episode where he sheltered him in the diner for a time? Surely he should've seen the turd and called Archie...but I guess not) and then at the end of the episode basically kidnaps her/takes her to the Gargoyle King (the really real one this time!). This is connected to Jughead's storyline, as he's trying to find out what the deal is with people going crazy and foaming at the mouth. He suspects there's been something added to the fizzle rocks/drugs that don't seem to have slowed down their distribution at all after Veronica burned a bunch of them. There was one morbidly amusing cut in the episode from a cheerleader bashing her head against the school lockers to Jugdad saying he needed Jughead's brains ("Like what were just left all over the lockers?" was my first response to that). They even have the people growling all animalistic-like (I swear one dude looked like a feral goatman/faun/Mr. Tumnus from the Narnia films). They capture emo Garghoulie leader (again) and he informs Jughead that the Gargoyle King wants him to do one last big quest - which involves him rescuing his sister. 

Once again, Archie has the most boring storyline, as he gets involved in yet another boxing tournament against a boxer who Veronica's suitor is dosing with the crazy drug. It's barely even worth talking about, except for the end when Archie knocks the guy out...and then it seems like he's dead. Uh-oh, has Archie wound up being indirectly responsible for yet another person winding up dead (that would be too bad, since his dad's still around and was supporting Archie at his boxing match)? Is he going back to jail again? *yawn* The only mildly interesting part was the amusing advert he shot with Veronica and Alice at the start of the episode, encouraging people to come watch him box, as both the ladies gave the commercial their all, while Archie gave a very awkward/monotone delivery of his lines. Clearly, he wouldn't make a great news anchor (just wait...next season that'll be his next 'hobby' that he picks up, just like music, football, wrestling and boxing before it). Though stranger things have happened. One example of stranger things happening is if after Betty's serial killer dad told her he wants to come home, that actually does happen - it'll possibly be the most unbelievable thing that's occurred on this show (and that's REALLY saying something).

Archie and everyone (except Betty, Jughead and his family - because they've got their own shit to deal with) are at the hospital, waiting to hear how the guy Archie beat up/knocked into unconsciousness at the end of the boxing match last episode is doing, the guy's family are also there, as is Veronica's douchenozzle suitor who Archie points out is to blame for why the guy was on drugs, though he claims innocence. They're then informed that the guy died and the douchenozzle responsible puts all the blame on Archie, naturally. It should be noted that Luke Perry's final scene as Archie's dad is in this episode and involves him he reassuring Archie that the guy's death wasn't his fault (which was nice, as final scenes go. At least it was positive words being given from him to his onscreen son. Again, RIP Luke Perry). Archie once again proves himself not the quickest thinker ever, as it takes Mad Dog calling and telling him to dispose of the fizzle rocks/drugs (which he gave Archie last episode to help him against the guy he was fighting, though he refused to use them) for Archie to go and actually do it (like, WHY wouldn't he have tossed them as soon as he was given them? He didn't use them, so why hang onto them?) - except it's too late, the police catch them trying to get rid of the drugs and they're arrested. 

Lucky for them, Veronica's on the case and she has their urine tested, which comes back negative for drugs (though that still doesn't disprove Archie's a drug-dealer) and the sister of the dead guy slaps Archie as he says he wishes he'd died instead of the guy - which the douchenozzle points out is a sentiment shared by the dead guy's family, then after a meeting with Hiram in a sauna (in which he rambles on about there being 'two Archies' - one that pointed the gun at him in hospital and the other that saved him, but he reckons 'real' Archie is the former rather than the latter. I guess that truce didn't last long, as was to be expected from someone like Hiram) he later tries to award Archie the money from the fight, calling him the 'Riverdale Reaper', but Archie's not interested and tells him to take a hike. Eventually, though, Archie does take the money from the douchenozzle (so all that stuff about not being interested in his 'blood money' was BS?), after threatening him (wouldn't this just get Archie in more trouble than he already was?), and takes it to the dead guy's sister, apologises profusely, she admits her brother had a drug problem and Archie says there's more money on the way. She then forgives him. 

Once again, Betty seems to be the only one really trying to take down the cult farm. She's doing her usual sleuthing (at this point I think Betty Cooper is more Nancy Drew than the actual Nancy Drew character from the TV series Nancy Drew, which I watched the first season of on TV before I ever started watching this show on Blu-ray/DVD), gets information about Evelyn (after finding out she's actually 26 years old and has been repeating the same grade at different schools as part of her recruiting for the cult farm. Also? She's an anti-vaxxer, apparently) and learns that she's not Edgar's daughter, but actually his wife. Which, ew. It's kind of weird how Evelyn is meant to be older than the rest of the students, when in fact she looks younger than all the other 'teens' at the school. Betty then talks Cheryl's mum into helping her get Polly's kids away from the cult farm, since they're Penelope's grandkids (huh. So they are still alive and didn't fall into the fire at the end of the season premiere like I thought may have happened), though she only grabs the boy (who she calls 'Jason Jr.' - hey, at least it's better than Dagwood) and seems like she couldn't care less about the girl (poor Juniper). Betty then enlists her undercover spy, Toni, to help...but all she does is lead Betty into the chamber where it's revealed that she's been sucked into the cult just like Cheryl and everyone else. When Betty attempts to 'out' Edgar and Evelyn's weird-ass/gross relationship, it has no effect, since everyone is all like, "Phfft. We already knew that, and it's totally normal!". They then start chanting "Join us." creepily (which is at a different speed to Edgar and Betty's conversation), she hightails it out of there and they give chase, but she makes it to her car and leaves them in the dust.

This^ isn't all she's had going on, however. There's also the matter of her serial killer dad wanting out of his Hannibal Lecter-esque jail cell (though he's not expecting to come 'home' to their literal home like I'd previously thought he meant. Just as well too, since there would've been a snowball's chance in Hell of that occurring. Where is Betty even living now?) and to be transferred to Hiram's new prison, which is apparently nicer or whatever. Veronica helps out with that (she does a LOT of helping out her friends this episode), but when Betty returns from escaping the cult farm, Veronica informs her that the vehicle that was transferring her dad had an accident and there were no survivors. Meanwhile, in the storyline that interested me the least this episode, Josie wants to get out of Riverdale, go with her dad, he says no, she uses Pop’s diner being robbed (more on that shortly) as an example of why she wants out of Riverdale, performs at Veronica's speakeasy, thinks her dad hasn’t shown up, but eventually he does and is now accepting of her going with him on the road, so she says goodbye to Archie (but doesn't bother with anyone else, apparently. Great friend, that Josie) and gets gone. Wish I could say I was sad to see her leave for SpinOffville...but I'd be lying.

The craziest storyline this episode had to be the one featuring all of The Jugs. They're beating on emo Garghoulie leader, who's getting crazier by the second, and demanding to know where Jugsis is, but he'll only answer once The Jugs play a game of G&G - which is pretty preposterous, considering adults like Sheriff Jughead and Jugmum are letting some punk kid tell them what to do. Anyway, they play the game, first involving Jugmum having to come clean about her taking over the drug trade (which Jugdad is NOT happy to learn of. Nor is he pleased to hear that Jughead knew about it). The next thing they have to do is go rob Pop's (though the guns are empty), but they weren't counting on Pop being prepared for just such an occasion (I guess he learned his lesson after the last time, when he was held at gunpoint by the Black Hood), he pulls out a shotgun and Jugdad gets wounded (how did Pop not recognise Jugdad's voice even with them all wearing those stupid Serpent masks?), Jughead reveals his face and tells Pop to stop, but then Jugmum makes them leave Jugdad behind. Next step on their quest is Jugmum fighting a 'cyclops' which turns out to be Penny Peabody (who's lost an eye - telling us exactly what Jugmum did last time she was left alone with her). They then proceed to fight each other using sai, as Jughead and crazy emo Garghoulie leader watch. It's over-the-top, beyond ridiculous, but also probably the most entertaining part of the episode. Penny injures Jugmum, but she gets her back and is ready to finish her off until Jughead stops her (Jugdolt! Don't you see you're just leaving the door open for her to return in future episodes to cause you even more grief?). 

After Jugmum's been taken to hospital, crazy emo Garghoulie leader takes Jughead to a junkyard where he makes him choose between two refrigerators, saying one will have his sister and the other will have his 'doom'. Jughead opens one (nope, no doom in there), then opens the other (also lacking doom, as well as Jugsis). Of course, crazy emo Garghoulie leader is a LYING LIAR WHO LIES and it's a trap (!), as he's then pointing a gun at Jughead and telling him to get in a fridge if he wants his sister set free from the clutches of the psycho little shit who kidnapped her. Jughead talks to Jugsis over the phone to check she's alive, then gets in a fridge, which - naturally - crazy emo Garghoulie leader locks, thus trapping him...with a screwdriver! It takes Jughead several hard shoves until the mighty screwdriver is defeated, and once he escapes this easily-escapable trap, he finds crazy emo Garghoulie leader is now dead (thank goodness, as it means I don't have to type 'crazy emo Garghoulie leader' anymore), which appears to be the handiwork of the Gargoyle King who is standing right there, but since he's not very mobile, Jughead escapes him just as easily as he escaped the fridge. When he gets home, Jugsis is fine and the psycho little shit ran off (of course they were never going to have him answer/pay for his crimes. Kids always get off scot-free ). Jughead talks with his mum in hospital, apparently Jugdad has been cleared of any charges due to being 'under duress', Jugmum wants to leave town with Jughead's sister, while he wants her to stay/answer for what she's done as well as leave his sister behind. She agrees to the latter, but not the former, as evidenced by her saying goodbye to them at the end. So I guess psycho little shit wasn't the only one who got away scot-free for his crimes.

At the start of the next episode, it was nice to see Veronica there as support for Betty while they investigated the crash/explosion that apparently killed Betty's dad as he was being transported to Hiram's new prison. Despite Sheriff Jugdad (who's sporting an arm cast in a sling after getting shot last episode and is allowed right back on duty after having been cleared of any charges regarding him holding up Pop's) saying there were no survivors, Betty's convinced this was all an elaborate ruse set up by her dad so he could escape and he's out there somewhere ready to pick up where he left off. Even after the coroner says he got fingerprints off the burned disembodied hand that prove that it's the hand of Betty's dad, that's still not enough to make her believe he's dead. She's got everyone trying to convince her she's crazy, but Betty's no fool! After Jughead's sister tells him about a 'gospel' with all the Gargoyle King's secrets in it, he and his dad go to investigate at the junkyard where crazy emo Garghoulie leader (damn it! I thought I was done typing that!) attempted to imprison Jughead in a fridge. Instead of pointing at the fridge and laughing whilst telling his dad that was the lame 'trap' crazy emo Garghoulie leader set for him, Jughead finds the gospel (not very well-hidden, it would seem). After going through it, he and Betty hatch a plan to bring the Gargoyle King to them by making the prom G&G-themed.

Speaking of prom, Cheryl is super-excited for it because, naturally, she fully expects to win Prom Queen. However, Evelyn is apparently not just an anti-vaxxer, but also anti-prom and after ratting out Cheryl to her dad/hubby (still ew), he gives Cheryl an ultimatum - telling her to choose between being Prom Queen and continuing to 'see' Jason. I felt sorry for Cheryl, being forced to choose, and even moreso later on when Bughead were asking her about changing the prom's theme and she just looked so bored/like she couldn't care less since she wasn't going to get to be Prom Queen. Damn you, cult farm, you broke Cheryl's spirit! She LIVED for being Prom Queen! Though it was amusing that not getting to be Prom Queen was what made her rethink joining the cult farm. Also amusing was her calling out Evelyn on her real age (though it still baffles me why they chose an actress who looks younger than the rest of the 'teens' to play a character who's supposed to be older than them), as it seems no one else gives it much thought/cares that a '26-year-old' is posing as a student at Riverdale High. The final sad moment for Cheryl was at the prom, watching someone other than herself getting to be Prom Queen, after she'd looked so happy when she thought she was a shoe-in. THE CULT FARM MUST DIE NOW! Speaking of queens - Betty is now many queens, it would seem, as part of the plan she hatches with Jughead involves her being voted Prom Queen (they rigged the votes to achieve this). It was kind of amusing how unenthused everyone (except Cheryl) was about prom earlier on, as Veronica was like, "That's still a thing?" (I was mildly amused by her and Archie giving each other looks, but missing seeing the other looking at them, as they considered going to prom together) and Bughead said they'd go with each other, but only in an 'ironic' way until their plan began to form. This was like rubbing it in poor Cheryl's face - she wanted to be Prom Queen, but doesn't get to, while Betty couldn't care less, but gets to be Prom Queen as part of her plan.




Once it comes time to crown Betty Prom Queen (which was when they were hoping the Gargoyle King would show up, I guess), Betty gets a message delivered to her by a guy dressed as a court jester who says he got it from a druid who got it from a centaur who got it from someone else. Instead of staying among people, she ventures out into the halls alone, then is attacked by the Black Hood (who REALLY wants to let Betty know he has a hook for a hand now, since he keeps scraping it against every surface he can find so it continues making ear-piercing screeching noises that are REALLY ANNOYING). The Gargoyle King is there in the hallway also. Kudos to Betty for bringing a gun to school (only in this show could such a statement be made), though she doesn't really get to use it and is chased by the Black Hood, stumbling upon at least three dead bodies as she tries to hide from him (how is this school not shut down after all these deaths that have occurred at it?). She fights him off when he catches her at one point (go Betty!), but he torments her by banging on the door of where she's found to hide, then she hears a gentle knocking (it would've been funny if it had been the 'Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits Knock'), so either the Black Hood's decided the polite approach might work better than the scaring-Betty-to-death approach...or it's Jughead (which it is). One thing that occurred to me when they showed up in medieval garb was that this would've been the perfect opportunity for Jughead to wear his signature crown...but, no, he just keeps wearing that stupid beanie (I hope he washes that thing).



So...I guess Bughead's plan didn't work out so great after all. Earlier Betty had theorised that Edgar was the Gargoyle King, and after Jughead had seen tattoos on the body of dead crazy emo Garghoulie leader, she figured Edgar should have them too, demanding he show them in front of his disciples. Really, it was just a lame excuse to get CMM's shirt off, which I'm sure made certain people watching swoon over him and wonder where they could sign up to the cult farm, but thankfully Betty's immune to crazy cult leader shirtlessness - if she wants shirtlessness, she'll go to Archie! Speaking of, once again his storyline is the most boring. He's all "Screw college, mom, I want to keep punching people in the face for money!" but his mum doesn't want him to box...unless it's for a naval academy, which has a boxing program and Archie's mum has called an old friend of hers who is a recruiter. That way, Archie can punch people in the face and get an education! There's a boxing tournament he wishes to compete in, but he's over the correct weight he needs to be, so with Veronica's help his plan is to lose weight and box for both the tournament (without his mum's knowledge) and the friend of his mum's in two separate boxing matches. He trains to 'Eye of the Tiger' (YES, REALLY), starves himself, then loses at the tournament and faints at the match (that he's late to) for his mum's friend. You lose, Archibald! Twice. Near the end, though, Archie's mum has had a change of heart after seeing his 'commitment' to boxing (like his commitment to music/football/wrestling?) and says he can keep doing it, so long as he doesn't go about it the dumb way (does she even know her son?). He says he'll need her help convincing his dad who's 'away'...alas, I don't think we'll ever be seeing that conversation, since it was rather obvious this was the first episode after Luke Perry had passed away, as his absence stuck out, as did Archie's mum filling in for what felt like they were originally supposed to be father/son scenes.

At the start of the next episode, it's kind of funny how Sheriff Jugdad and his son seem to be the only ones doing any police work. Hell, it seems like every day is Bring Your Kid to Work Day for Sheriff Jugdad, as Jughead is photographing the multiple dead bodies at the school after the prom. The coroner informs Jughead that the cut-off hand which was the hand of Betty's dad was self-inflicted. Why is it a surprise that a serial killer would cut off his own hand? They're not exactly stable people to begin with. Meanwhile, Hiram's new evil plan in his long list of evil plans (right between 'torment Archie' and 'make evil deals in the sauna') is to BUY ALL OF RIVERDALE! Muahahaha! Veronica overhears her dad's dastardly plan as he basically tells Hermione she'll be out of the mayor's office in the very near future. This gives Veronica a brilliant plan of her own. Thanks to Archie's mum having useful connections (I had to laugh at Archie's line to Veronica where he said, "Yeah, Ronnie, your dad sucks." after she rattled off his latest evil scheme), she puts them in touch with a federal agent who wants to nail Hiram (ew, not like that) and doesn't care that technically all the shady shit that's gone on at Veronica's speakeasy has been her shady shit, so long as they can get Hiram (who can be held responsible for all the shady shit that's been going on in Veronica's speakeasy since she found out in the previous episode he does still in fact own it, as he tricked her with false documents that made her believe she owned it).

The trouble is, they need to catch Hiram in the act of doing something illegal (couldn't they just show those cards Hiram sent out to wannabe assassins? Surely taking a hit out on a high-schooler is regarded as 'illegal'...right? Then again, this is Riverdale), so Archie challenges him to a boxing match (that's your solution to everything these days, Archie!) - whilst they're in the sauna, of course - and if Archie wins, then Hiram has to bugger off out of town, but if Hiram wins, then Riverdale is his (isn't it basically his already?). Naturally any big tough Mafia boss feels the need to prove himself by beating the snot out of a high school 'teen', so he accepts. Apparently everyone's cool with an adult vs 'teen' boxing match, if the crowd is anything to go by. Even Archie's mum was super-confident that she was going there to watch her son kick Hiram's arse...though it doesn't quite go that way. Hiram looks like he's going to beat Archie, but that's when Sheriff Jugdad comes in and arrests him (and he was just enjoying his gloating about having 'beaten' Archie too! Though according to Archie, he was simply keeping Hiram busy. Nice of him to let his face be pummeled as he waited for Sheriff Jugdad to turn up. Might've been better if he'd turned up a little sooner, though). I had to laugh at Archie's mum asking if he was okay, considering the condition he was in. Veronica visits her dad in jail to gloat (see how you like being on the receiving end of the gloating, Hiram!), but clearly this isn't over.

Neither is the cult farm, as Betty's still paying visits to Edgar who uses metal clicking balls to hypnotise her and when she's in a room by herself, she starts seeing her dark self/'Dark Betty', who torments her with all the shady shit she did as a kid including drowning their cat, Caramel (way to make it hard for me to like Betty, show! )  and pushing Polly down the stairs (eh). Thanks to Jughead's genius idea that MAYBE IT'S THE BALLS and the clicking sounds they make, next time Betty goes through this, she uses earplugs (ingenious!) and consequently the hypnotism doesn't work, so she sees it is in fact Polly, her not-so-dear sister, dressed up as/pretending to be Betty's 'dark' self. Earlier she and Alice had told Betty she was born with the 'serial killer gene' or whatever they call it, but not even Betty's dad had that (doesn't that just prove how faulty the tests are? If they didn't say her dad had the 'gene', yet he still turned out to be a serial killer, then it's just as likely that Betty supposedly having the 'gene' means jack squat and she's not a future serial killer. Also...A SERIAL KILLER GENE? Really?? *sigh* Only in Riverdale). So, clearly Edgar, Alice and Polly have been gaslighting Betty. Earlier she discovered Kevin had a giant scar on his side (which he took exception to her sneaking a look at, and got all pissy over), then later on she finds Evelyn hooked up to a machine and on anti-rejection meds. She soon puts the pieces of the puzzle together and realises Edgar is harvesting organs from his cult farm disciples. She even finds a room full of organs. 

So then she goes to tell Cheryl about it, who is dismissive until Betty actually shows her one (she really should've started with that), which manages to get Cheryl on her side, especially since Toni's about to get a procedure done. Cheryl goes to save her girlfriend (kicking arse as she does so), while Betty goes to knock some sense into Kevin and Fangs...and when that doesn't work, she delivers a well-deserved kick to Kevin's balls (that's for being such a shitty friend!) and manages to hold her own until they gang up on her, dragging her across the floor, calling out for help and saying that they're the ones being attacked (but aren't you the ones dragging a girl by her ankles across the floor?) and then orderlies come in and restrain her. When Betty wakes up, she's strapped to a chair and it appears Edgar is going to perform one of his procedures on her. Man, Betty just can't catch a break. Neither can Choni, apparently, since they're split up yet again when Cheryl lets Toni escape first, then stays behind to keep the orderlies busy (kicking their arses!) while Toni runs for it. This is probably the most selfless act Cheryl's ever done, and it's an emotional moment as she tells Toni she loves her. Anyone who claims Cheryl doesn't really care about Toni needs to STFU - this scene proved she really does love her. So, SUCK ON THAT, HATERS!



In another (much more annoying) storyline, Jughead’s chasing up the court jester who got a message from a druid who got it from a centaur who got it from someone else that was what led to Betty getting terrorised by the Black Hood and Gargoyle King at the prom, he learns that it came from the psycho little shit who attacked Archie, finds out where the turd is after talking to Jugsis, and for some reason tries to prevent the psycho little shit from doing the ritual with the chalices that would rid the world of his menace. I'm not sure why Jughead thinks the psycho little shit would help him stop the Gargoyle King, and sure enough, adding to his list of evil deeds, he tells a bunch of boy scouts with spears to KILL Jughead and they proceed to chase after him. Yes, it's as ridiculous as it sounds. Jughead seeks shelter in dead Dilton's bunker (who would've thought that place would be so popular?). Unfortunately, Jughead finds that Ethel Muggs is still alive (ugh) and she wants his help (double ugh). She utters the line "Help me, Jughead Jones, you're my only hope." - which royally pissed me off because A) Pretty Little Liars did that Star Wars reference SO MUCH BETTER (and wittier), and B) She keeps finding ways to get close to him.

She SO doesn't deserve it, but he agrees to help - which involves them chasing after one of the missing boy scouts, then they get chased by the Black Hood onto a bus and proceed to trap him on the bus after they escape it (seriously, as soon as he saw they were climbing out the back, he should've headed to the front of the bus. Instead, he gave them a ridiculous amount of time to run to the front and lock the door. I guess he forgot about his HOOK FOR A HAND that he has now - and likes to scrape across everything, making irritating screeching sounds - since he could've just used that to smash through the glass). Anyway, the only actual notable thing about this whole painful-to-sit-through storyline is that Ethel whispers in Jughead's ear (I'm not sure why, when no one else is around to listen, but I guess it's just another excuse to get close to him. She'd already hugged him, and for a second I thought she was going to snog him against his will...but thankfully that didn't happen) the identity of the Gargoyle King, then Jughead calls Betty to inform her that Ethel said (it would've been funny if Betty had been like, "Ugh, did that psycho bitch force you to kiss her again?") the Gargoyle King is in fact...Jason Blossom. So either the show is finally making him a vampire like I always thought he was or, the more likely scenario, someone's dug him up - which Jughead finds out is indeed the case when he goes to dig up Jason's grave and discovers it's empty.

The episode begins with Toni running to Cheryl's mum and telling her what's going on at the cult farm (including the whole organ harvesting thing), but Penelope just basically says "That's nice, dear." and drugs her. Jughead and his dad are skeptical about Jason being alive and the Gargoyle King (after all, how can they trust psycho bitch, Ethel Muggs?), but they still have yet to solve the mystery of where his body's at, so Jughead does some sleuthing which takes him to Penelope's brothel and he learns that someone matching Jason's description has been spotted by one of the ones who works there. Meanwhile, Betty's about to get a lobotomy from Edgar, who's interrupted in the nick of time by his daughter/wife who says Penelope has called. She has no problem with his organ harvesting, nor does she bother to ask about Cheryl, all she wants is Betty. While that's happening, Archie and Veronica both receive mysterious invites (I was so worried when Archie discovered the mysterious black gift box, and was praying it wasn't going to have Vegas the dog's paw or something like that inside it). Despite discussing with Jughead how the invites are obviously a trap, they still go. Betty wakes up and finds she's been given a dress to wear (which she wears very well, it must be said), then goes downstairs and sees Archie, Veronica and Jughead sitting at the dinner table that has loads of food that'll likely never be eaten (such a waste), and Penelope's there along with nasty nun (with a gun) from the loony bin. Why is she there? Because apparently she cared for Penelope when she was a child at the loony bin. Turns out that episode from early in the season, involving the parent characters as 'teens', was actually a pretty important episode for a number of reasons - not least of which is that it explains why Penelope IS BEHIND EVERYTHING (!).

The core four sit there, as the Black Hood removes his hood to reveal he is indeed Betty's dad, while Jughead has figured out that 'Jason' as the Gargoyle King is actually Chic - who apparently didn't die (but dyed his hair red instead) and removes his GK getup to reveal this to be true. Then there's a big exposition dump. Basically, Betty's dad didn't kill Chic (after she delivered him to her dad towards the end of last season) because apparently after chasing him he realised he'd found a 'kindred spirit' or something, so this brought them together (I guess because they're both creeps). And Penelope used both to help her in her plan to get back at everyone in Riverdale, but especially the parents of the core four because none cared about her being sold from the loony bin to the Blossoms where she was first raised as Clifford Blossom's sister, then made his wife. So, EVERYONE MUST PAY (but especially you kids who had nothing to do with it!). She just wants to make the core four's parents feel how she felt after losing Jason, since they didn't 'reach out to her' or anything after he was killed (maybe because of your shit personality, Penelope - just a guess). As far as surprises go...this one was a 'moderate' surprise for me. I figured Betty's dad was the Black Hood (who else would it be?), and because I'd accidentally stumbled across something saying Chic was in a later season, I figured he must've been the GK (especially since we never did see what happened to him), but Penelope being the mastermind behind it all was something I hadn't been spoiled for (though given her evilness, it makes sense). This episode's title comes from a line Penelope says to the core four, because that's exactly what they have to try to do - survive the night in the woods. She introduced the G&G game back in the day and it's been passed along ever since then up to the present day. Now she's got one final quest for them, where each one will be tested. They either complete it and get to live (yeah right) or they fail and die. 

Since Cheryl's mum doesn't give two shits about her daughter, Cheryl's still stuck at the cult farm, overhearing Edgar and his daughter/wife talking about everyone 'ascending' (which probably means offing themselves, since that's what happened to everyone else who 'ascended'), so she tries yet again to explain to Kevin and Fangs that Edgar is HARVESTING ORGANS, but they still won't listen, so then she takes them to the room full of organs that Betty found in the previous episode, but (naturally) they're gone. She runs off in search of further proof, checking behind every door (why is no one doing anything about this? They supposedly confined her to her room after she helped Toni escape, but no one seems to be monitoring her/enforcing it. Cult farm security sucks), then finds something she wasn't counting on...Jason's corpse in a wheelchair. Madelaine Petsch has really perfected the horror movie scream with the way her face looks as she's screaming her head off. When Alice is asking Edgar about the rumours she's heard regarding organ harvesting, Cheryl bursts in and yells at Edgar about what he's done with Jason's corpse - though it would've been helpful if she'd gone into specifics before she was dragged away, as that would've told Alice exactly what was going on, but instead she just gets vague hints of what Cheryl's on about. Anyway, I guess what she heard from Cheryl was enough, because then she's helping her escape with Polly's remaining kid (who Penelope left behind last episode). Eventually Cheryl reaches home, passes the kid off to one of the Pretty Poisons or Serpents (I can't really tell which. All these gangs basically have the same dress code - black leather) and shares a reunion snog with Toni. Cheryl's creepy grandma then fills Cheryl in on what's happening with her friends and says Penelope's been planning all this for some time (then WHY didn't you warn anyone, creepy grandma?!), so both gangs set off at Toni's command.



The core four wander through the woods, and the first test ends up being for Archie. He reads a card saying he must conquer the 'grizzled beast', and it's kind of funny how he immediately knows what that means and is all "Oh noes, not again!" while nobody else has a clue. Although I was half-kidding during the episode where he was attacked by the bear that this show couldn't actually afford a bear (or even a CGI or puppet/animatronic one), the most they could manage was a guy in a bear suit...that's more or less what we get here. It's a dude wearing a pelt and bear skull on his head - how lame. Archie has to duke it out with him (at this point I'd be surprised if Archie ever finds an a solution to a problem that doesn't involve using his fists...or taking his shirt off. Hey, maybe he should've tried that and the bear dude might've ceased kicking his arse, as we all know how no one in Riverdale seems to be able to resist Archie shirtlessness). Anyway, they fight, Archie finds a big bone to whack the dude with...then keeps on whacking until I'm pretty sure the dude is dead (another body to add to the pile of victims you're racking up, Arch?). 

The next test is Veronica's, though it also requires Betty's participation. There are six chalices (if nothing else, this season was certainly the Season of the Chalice!) and one apparently has in it fast-acting poison. They have to spin a bottle and drink from whichever one it points to, taking turns until all have been drunk from (for anyone wondering why the guys don't stop them, I'm pretty sure one of the stated rules is there be no interference/straying from what has been instructed). So, the girls each take turns drinking from the chalices (and tipping out the rest after they've had some from each) until it gets down to the final one...which ends up being the one Betty has to drink from. However, before she can, Veronica selflessly takes it and drinks from it, fully believing she's drinking the poison. So, this just goes to show that Veronica IS a good friend to Betty. More than 'good', in fact. How many friends do you have who'd drink poison for you, HUH?? I constantly see people badmouthing Veronica, saying she's a crap friend and whatnot, but honestly, I put the blame for there being so little 'Beronica' squarely on the writers who gave them hardly any scenes together with just the two of them this season. The Beronica friendship is one I liked from the very beginning, and although I knew Veronica wouldn't end up dying, it still got to me emotionally when she did this selfless act for Betty. Both actresses did a great job in the scene, but special shout-out to Camila Mendes who totally sold Veronica's love for Betty. Of course, then Penelope appears (has she and her Gargoylettes just been following the gang from test to test?), says the poison isn't actually fast-acting but is in fact slow-acting, and not one chalice was poisoned, ALL of them were (how very Dread Pirate Roberts of you, Penelope), so they better hurry up and go find the antidote. It's weird that Veronica seems to be more affected by the poison than Betty (did she watch The Princess Bride too and build up a tolerance to poison?).

 


So, what does Archie do when he knows both Veronica and Betty are slowly dying from poison? Why, he stops Veronica to tell her he loves her and they proceed to snog. PRIORITIES, GUYS! Maybe do that after you've found the stuff to prevent dying. The third test is the lamest one of the lot - it's just Jughead fighting Chic (Archie be like, "Hey! Fighting's my thing!"). Really, they should've made it a battle of wills (hey, they already did the poison thing, why not go full Princess Bride?). After their lame fight - which Jughead naturally wins - they come to the last test which involves a box with a loaded gun inside that has one bullet that is meant for Betty's dad. Despite everything he's done, she doesn't want to kill him, he blah blahs about how it's her 'destiny', she refuses, he has a gun himself and says he'll shoot Betty's friends if she doesn't shoot him, and in the end she shoots his hand that's holding the gun (blowing off several fingers in the process. Go Betty!). Penelope once again appears (she must have teleportation powers, otherwise how is she keeping up with the others/moving at the same pace as them? I mean, when Archie and Veronica stopped moving to snog, did Penelope stop and roll her eyes, looking at her watch impatiently until they started moving again? Actually, it's amazing Betty and Veronica haven't caught their dresses on anything, dragging them across the ground in the woods as they have been) and she is totally over the uselessness of Betty's dad, calling him a 'terrible serial killer', so then she blows his brains out right in front of Betty, who's totally devastated (if her reaction is anything to go by). Kudos to Lili Reinhart for portraying Betty's grief so believably. I didn't give two figs about Betty's dad, but I cared about how much Betty was upset. It was nice to see Jughead and Veronica come to comfort her. Archie doesn't, but that's because he's retrieving the antidote (finally he does something useful).




Not sure why Penelope bothered with a real antidote to the poison since she seems to be all "Did I say you'd survive if you won? Well...I lied." and is going to kill them all anyway, even after they proved they're not as scummy as she believed their parents/the rest of Riverdale to be. See, this is why you shouldn't have ditched your weapons earlier, guys. Jughead had an axe from his fight with Chic and Archie had a big bone from his fight with bear man...yet they left them behind. Sure, neither weapon is much of a match against a gun, but they could've thrown either weapon at Penelope and knocked the gun away from her hand (or, in the case of the axe, chopped off her hand) or something. Anyway, luckily this is when Cheryl, Toni and the rest of the cavalry arrive. It was good to see Cheryl in her Red Arrow garb and using her bow again...but her mum somehow manages to get away? WTF? She should've been the first one you shot with an arrow, Cheryl! It also should be noted that night turned into day quicker than in the Season 1 episode of Supernatural titled 'Bugs'. Literally one moment the gang are fleeing at night and the next it's morning. Oh well, group hug!




They return to the cult farm to find Kevin's been left behind while all the others have 'ascended' (serves you right, Kev, for being such a shitty friend to Betty!). We then get a Jughead voiceover. *sigh* They just had to get that in there, didn't they? Since we didn't have it at the start of the episode like normal. Speaking of 'normal', that's what the Jughead voiceover says things are returning to (what about all the dead bodies? Shouldn't numerous people be getting arrested?), GK graffiti on Pop's is getting painted over, and Cheryl...is talking to Jason's corpse (well, I guess that's 'normal' for a Blossom). Veronica gives Archie full ownership of the gym Hiram gave to him, while she and her mum now own all the stuff Hiram did before he was sent to jail. Hermione has found out something that Hiram was keeping from her, but before she can tell Veronica she gets arrested (which Hiram has arranged from prison). So, now both of Veronica's parents are in jail (I imagine Veronica's probably thinking, "I just drank poison, I don't need this shit!"). It's too bad, as Archie's mum is encouraging him to get with Veronica (obviously she's a Varchie shipper). I guess it's just as well Veronica told Archie earlier (when she was dying from poison) that nothing happened between her and Reggie in the previous episode when Archie came over to tell her how he felt and saw Reggie was there, then he informed Archie that he'd told Veronica he wanted to be with her and she'd returned the sentiment (Archie looked to Veronica for confirmation and all she replied with was that was what she said - rather unenthused, implying she didn't really mean it). 

An FBI agent knocks on Betty's Jughead's door and informs Bughead that he's looking for Alice, as she wasn't actually sucked into the cult farm, but instead was an undercover informant (so then WHY didn't she bail as soon as she had enough evidence against them? Or tell Betty what the real deal was when they were alone and no one could've possibly been listening in?). Betty feels there's something familiar about the FBI agent and he reveals that he's actually her not-so-dead-after-all brother, Charles (for realsies this time! None of this fake bro/Chic shit). Jughead then realises that since Charles is the son of his dad and Betty's mum, that makes him his half-brother. I'm sure some people automatically thought, "Ew! Bughead share a bro? Hasn't there been enough incest on this show already?!", but that's not really the case (not unless Betty gets with Charles...and I highly doubt that'll happen). So, then the core four fill each other in on what has transpired since...what was it? The night before? How much time has passed? Once everyone's caught up on everything (including the fact that Veronica now has Smithers as her legal guardian since both her parents are in jail), they make a vow (when have those ever worked out?) to be done with death cults, murder mysteries and anything else of that sort (how boring! You take all that away and you'll have nothing left!). They toast to the fact that senior year may be the final time they're all together (unlikely, unless the show abruptly ends), so they want to make sure nothing ruins that. 

Smash-cut/flashforward to Spring Break of senior year, with Archie, Betty and Veronica standing around a bonfire in their underwear (FINALLY, after it being a season of Archie shirtlessness, it's about time there was some equal-opportunity near-nudity from the girls!) and Archie's holding Jughead's stupid beanie. Jughead himself is absent and all three have blood over them. Betty says they need to burn all their clothes and then tells Archie to throw the stupid beanie on the fire too. Burn, beanie, burn! I'm sure the fangirliest of Jughead fangirls were screaming like Cheryl at that. It seems to be heavily implied that Jughead is dead and a murder has been committed...but, come on, did anyone really believe that Jughead would actually be dead? Unless any of the actors/actresses who portray the core four decide to leave, I think it's a safe bet they'll be sticking around until the end of the show. I read somewhere online that originally Jughead was supposed to be there (so I guess it was meant to be all about who'd gotten murdered and not about one of the core four seemingly being dead), but apparently Cole Sprouse was 'too cold' and that's why he wasn't present and the scene ended up the way it did. Firstly...WTF, Cole Sprouse? Your castmates are there in their underwear, probably freezing their butts off, but they just suffered through it, while you can't hack the cold? This doesn't reflect well upon you. And secondly, I will admit this scene certainly was interesting to watch. I liked the look of it, and there just being three instead of four certainly gave it an eerie feel, so in a way, something good came out of Cole Sprouse's wimpiness (even though it's bleeding obvious Jughead ain't dead for really reals). I'd heard about this scene prior to watching the show, but it still had impact when watching it. I'm eager to see what led to all this. 



Final thoughts on this third season as a whole:

Well...this was certainly a bonkers season. I'd heard things got crazy around Season 3, but didn't realise just how crazy they were going to get. It seemed a lot of people turned on the show because of the craziness (it appears some even gave up watching it), but it didn't bother me. There was stuff that dragged, as well as stuff that bored/annoyed me, but that's been the case right from the start. I actually didn't mind the balls-to-the-wall craziness. I like shows that mix genres, as it allows more stories to be told. Besides, there wasn't actually anything truly supernatural going on, as it turned out to just be mere mortals and a whole lotta drugs that made it seem like there was supernatural stuff going on. This was probably also the season with the most shirtlessness. I lost count early on, but it felt like there was hardly ever an episode where someone didn't get shirtless...which, naturally, brings me to Archie. He's still not the brightest bulb, but he's somewhat 'grown' as a character and K.J. Apa continues to improve from the first season. I also found out this season that he's a New Zealander - which I didn't know when watching the prior two seasons. Now I keep hoping they'll find an excuse to have Archie 'put on' a Kiwi accent. He could pretend to be one for whatever reason and make a call, asking for 'Bitty' (which is what 'Betty' sounds like with his Kiwi accent. Just listen to him say the name in interviews) and whoever answers the phone could be totally confused about who he's asking to speak to. I just hope he's not going to be constantly trying to solve every problem (and end up getting himself in trouble) with his fists. All the boxing stuff was one of the things that bored me this season. I also hope he's not going to just keep bouncing around from love interest to love interest. He's been involved with half the main female cast on the show already, so how about he has an actual stable relationship for a while? And no more fights with bears unless you ACTUALLY GIVE US A BEAR, SHOW! 

I think Betty was one of the best characters this season. Considering all the crap she had to deal with, she actually handled it pretty well. I love that she did sleuthing not just as part of 'Bughead', but by herself as well. While everyone else was worrying about their own personal drama, she was actually taking the initiative to try to solve the mystery of all this G&G stuff. I've seen some people say that she's the 'crappy friend' in the various friendships she's a part of, but I didn't see any evidence of that. If anything, others were crappy friends to her when she really needed them. Betty might have a 'darkness' in her, but I like that she's no pushover and can fight back (if not with fists, like Archie, then with words and being just as cunning as those she goes up against. Though clearly she can kick some arse when she needs to as well). I wished we could've gotten more 'Beroncia' moments, but I appreciated the ones we did get. Speaking of Veronica, it feels like quite a few people aren't fond of her, and while she does tend to get in over her head at times, she's also helped her friends and bailed them out of trouble a LOT. If not for Veronica paying for/buying various things, her friends would've been screwed. I do wonder what'll happen when/if she ever winds up with no money at all. I think Veronica has shown she has a good heart and I just hope we can get more Beronica scenes next season.

I can't say I was that interested in much of the stuff Jughead had going on this season. I'm kind of over all the different gang-related shenanigans, various members of his gang (and the gangs he dealt with) bored/annoyed me in about equal measure, and I hope I never have to sit through another scene with him and Ethel (stop trying to make Ethelhead happen, Ethel! WHY couldn't you have been a victim of the Black Hood or Gargoyle King, damn it?!). However, it was somewhat interesting to see him interacting with his mum and sister. Though Jugmum kind of devolved into just another shady parent. I still don't really have a 'feel' for what Jugsis is like as a character. She didn't really live up to the awesomeness she displayed during her introductory episode. I hope she doesn't turn into an annoying brat (if I have to see anymore of that psycho little shit she was hanging out with, I think I'm going to cut a bitch - probably Archie, since he'd be stupid enough to be standing too close and yet again getting himself sliced across his torso). Sheriff Jugdad constantly calling his son 'boy' is getting a bit old/annoying too, and I'm not sure how a member of a biker gang becomes sheriff...but whatever. It's kind of nuts how he and Jughead seem to be the only ones doing any police work, considering wasn't the Serpent gang meant to become his deputies or something? And is it even legal for him to take his son to crime scenes? Eh, it's Riverdale. 

As for the other adults - I was bit premature with my goodbyes to Luke Perry in the episode I originally thought was his last, as he had several after that, but I've read that the next season's first episode will be the one that deals with his character no longer being in the show. I'm interested to see what the writers came up with, but hopefully it's something respectful to the character of Fred Andrews. He was a good dad and the best parent in the show (what about Vegas?  He's going to be very sad, since Fred was the one who really took care of him, as Archie seemed pretty neglectful). It's a true shame what happened with the actor, but I'm glad I got to see his final TV role before he passed, since I hadn't really seen him in anything since 90210. Once again, RIP Luke Perry. You will be missed. It didn't feel as though Hermione Lodge got a whole lot to do this season, she seems to switch between being a half-decent person and being almost as bad as her husband. It does feel like a waste of Marisol Nichols, and I know she's not going to be a regular later into the series. I can only guess this is because they don't find a way to write her better in the next season? I would really like to see her and Veronica joining forces to be an unstoppable team, but unfortunately Hiram is still around. He started off interesting in Season 2, but has pretty much become a mustache-twirling cartoon villain at this point. It's pretty ridiculous that his arch enemy is a high school 'teen'. I hope he gets taken down for good next season...but I'm not holding my breath.

Alice was...not very likeable AT ALL this season, but that's what happens when a character is seemingly brainwashed the whole season. She was really terrible to Betty and it just proved how strong a person Betty really is, to have kept it together throughout all crap her mum put her through. It feels like the writers decided to make Alice an FBI informant in this season's final simply because they needed to have Betty (and the audience) be able to forgive Alice for all the horrible things she did and this is the easiest way to achieve that - she was just pretending to be an awful human being! I hope Betty doesn't forgive her easily, as Alice could've let her know or at least given her some clues that she wasn't really the worst mum ever. Actually, that award goes to Cheryl's mum, who really was a diabolical villain, and I'm glad the show isn't pretending she's anything else. I felt bad for Cheryl this season too, as she had a lot going on and although she could be hard to like at times, she never stopped being my favourite. Madelaine Petsch has the difficult task of playing someone who could be downright loathsome in the hands of a lesser actress, but because she's such a likeable actress, that likeability comes through onscreen - even when Cheryl's at her worst. I just hope she's not going to spend the entirety of next season speaking to her rotting corpse of a brother. I think Toni is good for her, as she's the only one who seems to be able to handle Cheryl when she's being difficult. My main wish is to see Cheryl having more scenes with 'cousin Betty', as there was some good stuff between them previously, but we haven't gotten much since. 

Other characters that I didn't care enough about to mention before now - Josie was never a part of the murder mysteries/sleuthing, so that's why she wasn't really involved in the various storylines. She was all about her pursuit of a solo musical career (apparently not caring that she lost her fellow Pussycats/supposed 'friends' in the process), and someone who really doesn't play well with others was never going to be a great fit with the rest of these characters who are all connected in some way/part of a 'team'. I'll probably never watch the spin-off, but I imagine those who wanted to see her character get more focus got their wish with that show. I myself am not sorry to see her leave this series. Nothing personal against the actress, I just didn't like her character. Reggie grew on me a bit this season. Last season when he took over/was still 'New Reggie' to me, I didn't think much of him, but they actually gave him a bit of development this time. I don't mind 'Veggie' (plus, they have one of the most amusing ship names EVER), but if all he's going to do is complain about Veronica not treating him how he wants to be treated, then he should just move on. Loving someone who doesn't love you back isn't good for anyone. Kevin was...not likeable at all, and that's about the only thing I have to say regarding his character. Most of the other recurring characters/guest-stars were ones I didn't really care about (and a few annoyed me to such an extent I want to see them wind up as casualties of whatever killer the town of Riverdale is home to next).

It says how much the show messed up keeping the characters together when the episode I think I liked the most this season (before the season final, that is) was the one with the 'teen' actors/actresses playing the 'teen' versions of their characters' parents. That one had all the younger actors/actresses together, and that's when the show's at its best. One thing about the Season 3 final I really appreciated was that it featured the core four TOGETHER. There'd been so little of that throughout this season and, really, it feels like we haven't had much of it since Season 1. I'm not sure why shows that have a really good group dynamic between their main characters think the best course of action in later seasons is to split them apart. Seriously, you've got something that works...why mess with that? I really do hope there's more of the four of them together next season, as that's when they're all at their strongest. I'm still into this crazy ridiculous show and will be sad once I finish Season 4 (which I just received on DVD for my birthday), as I don't think we'll be getting Season 5 released on DVD here anytime soon - this is what I get for binge-watching the show instead of working my way through the season slowly. I can't help it! I think I'm addicted! 

Since this was a very somber, heartfelt tribute to Luke Perry's passing (and with him, the character of Fred Andrews who he played on this show), I will attempt to keep the snark to a minimum. The Jughead voiceover says how the 4th of July is approaching and there's been an Independence Day parade planned (though no fireworks, because Cheryl's family used to sponsor them and the town can't afford them without their support. Really? No one else can pay for fireworks in the town?) - which most displeases Cheryl, who's reading the newspaper to her Jason's rotting corpse (I trust she's done something to cover up the smell?). I'm sad to see that she's still somewhat crazy (well...crazier than 'normal' for her, anyway) and hanging onto that gross disgusting thing she calls a brother. I'm hoping it's not going to take the entire season for her to snap out of it. The core four are painting a float for the parade, when Cheryl comes to give them an earful due to the fact that Jason died on the 4th of July (if you are acknowledging that he died, WHY are you still treating his corpse like he's alive, Cheryl? Seems like a contradiction) and she's mad because she doesn't see what's worth celebrating about the day her brother died. The others explain they've held off having a parade for three years since Jason's death happened out of respect for him, but it's time to move on. I will say that Cheryl looked smashing in the outfit she was wearing during this scene. The colours were really something. She also provided the one funny line in this whole episode, which was in response to Jughead suggesting she stay home if she was so against the parade.





That's^ it, as far as amusing moments go, because the next scene is where Archie receives probably the worst phone call he'll ever get. He's in Pop's Veronica's diner with the other three, as they plan a camping trip and discuss the fact that this may be the last chance they get to do anything like this since they'll be preparing for college next year. K.J. Apa played Archie's reaction to hearing the news of his dad's death convincingly. The way he drops his phone, then drops to his knees as his friends rush over to him and the camera tilts - like his world was literally crashing down - sells the moment of hearing something so shocking. 



The next scene starting with Vegas the dog lying on the floor, looking up and whining/whimpering at the door, waiting for Fred to come home - as Sheriff Jugdad fills in Archie, his mum and those with them on what happened exactly - was something I wasn't prepared for and I actually found quite upsetting, because although all the people in the scene got to understand why Fred wouldn't be there anymore, poor Vegas wouldn't have had any idea/no one could explain it to him.  Sheriff Jugdad (struggling to keep it together) says that Fred had stopped to help someone on the side of the road with their car when he was struck by a vehicle speeding past. Archie asks if the driver stopped and when he hears that they didn't, he naturally wants this person found so they can pay for what they did. When this was revealed, I thought it was a bit on-the-nose to make what seemed like it would be a season-long plot point (Archie has to find the person who killed his dad so he can have his revenge!) out of the tragedy of Luke Perry's passing. However, the show actually handled this well, as firstly they wrote Fred dying in such a way that it felt 'in character' - he's totally the sort of person who'd help someone out of the goodness of his heart, so all the characters are of the opinion that of course his final moments alive would involve him doing a good deed. Secondly, although Archie looking for revenge is indeed a plot point this episode, it only lasts for this one episode and isn't dragged out all season long (thankfully), so it didn't feel like the writers were taking advantage of Luke Perry's tragic passing. I wish we could've gotten a scene of Archie talking to Vegas, though. It might sound 'silly' to some (although it shouldn't) to wish for such a thing, but animals feel emotions too and we know that Fred was the one who cared about Vegas more than anyone else (in Archie's own words from the Season 2 premiere). However, I think such a scene might've wrecked me (emotionally), so probably just as well there wasn't one. 



Once again Veronica proves she's always got her friends' backs, as she is totally prepared to pay whatever amount it costs to have Fred's body brought back home across the state, but as much as she tries to help, she can't change the fact that because it's the holiday, he won't be brought back until July 5th, and of course Archie and his mum want him home before then. What follows is a good scene between Archie and his friends where they reminisce about how Fred played a part in all of their lives. Even Reggie and Kevin have tales about how Fred was such a good person, but the ones that are really telling are Bughead's stories - as both had less-than-stellar dads (Jughead's was drunk and Betty's was never around - possibly off serial killing?), so Fred helped out Jughead with his dad and was Betty's 'father for a day' in the father-daughter potato sack race when she and Archie were in grade school. Alas, reminiscing stirs up many feelings for Archie and he has to retire. Sleep provides no sanctuary, though, as he dreams about his grandpa who leads Archie into a room full of characters he knows (some who're alive in reality and some who have died such as Jason, Jason's dad, Betty's dad). Archie asks where his dad is and his grandpa says he has to go get him. Once he awakes from his dream, he tells Veronica that's exactly what he's going to do.

They go to the funeral home and want to have Fred released, but the funeral home director won't allow it because Archie's underage. So he calls his mum, tells her this, and she gets him to put the funeral home director on the phone. Obviously, with Archie's mum being a lawyer she knows what to say to convince the guy to let Archie do what he went there to do. You don't hear a word of what she says, but you can tell from the guy's reactions that she is quite convincing with whatever she tells him. After hanging up, he agrees to let Archie take his dad home, but then Archie asks if he can see him. He is about to, but can't go through with it, so he asks Betty and Veronica to go identify the body and confirm whether or not it is in fact his dad (as it would appear he's at the 'denial' stage of grief, not quite believing that it's actually his dad). They're both such good friends to Archie, and it was a nice moment when Beronica held hands as they slowly walked over to see Fred. Although, for obvious reasons, there's no shot of him, both Lili Reinhart and Camila Mendes totally convey what it's like for their two characters to be looking at the body of their friend's dear friend's dad (who was also a dear friend to them). When they return, they confirm it is indeed Archie's dad, and from his reaction it looks like he was still holding out hope that it wasn't.

Back home, Cheryl and Toni are talking to Archie's mum and I'm not sure if it's Cheryl who's extremely emotional or Madelaine Petsch...or a mix of both, but Cheryl appears to really be feeling deep sadness, as she knows what it's like to lose a loved one (though I'm not sure everyone knows what's it's like to talk to a loved one's body that you're hanging out with and treating like it's still alive, Cheryl). Anyway, this is in stark contrast to how she was at the beginning of the episode, as she says she'd like to do something for both Archie and Mary upon Archie's return with Fred's body. There were a lot of obviously grieving actors/actresses in this episode who I'm sure weren't just playing characters mourning the character of Fred, but were also mourning Luke Perry (and being filmed as they did so, which can't be easy). Everyone does a good job, but Madelaine Petsch's emotion during this scene was one of the instances that really got to me. It was almost like a gut-punch. As nasty as Cheryl can be at times, she's clearly someone who does feel emotions (sometimes more than others), so it makes sense that although we didn't really see her interact with Fred much, she'd still feel his loss (mixed with her own feelings of losing Jason) very much. 

Back with the core four, they've gone to retrieve Fred's truck that is still on the side of the road and Archie hesitantly gets in, then finds a photo of his dad and mum in the glove box. What follows was totally a surprise to me, as I hadn't been spoiled for it. A woman approaches and I wondered if it was someone I'd recognise, it took me a minute, but then when they showed her in closeup I realised it was Shannen Doherty - who, of course, was Luke Perry's co-star in 90210. She's playing the person who Fred helped on the side of the road. She talks about how no one else stopped to help her, how Fred was talking about Archie the whole time and on top of everything else, he saved her life by getting her out of the way of the vehicle speeding past and that's what caused his death. Again, this was another instance where it felt like the person playing the character was equal parts playing their character's grief mixed in with their own. Clearly, Shannen Doherty knew Luke Perry well and I'm sure this was very hard for her, but in a way it allowed her to say goodbye too. What I was super-surprised about (but very happy to see) was her character asking the others if they would join her in saying a prayer for Fred. First of all, I was very relieved to see none of the characters say anything negative about praying, as that seems to happen on a great many shows these days (there always has to be some character who's anti-religious and rants about it). And secondly, it was nice to see characters being portrayed as religious and not in a cartoonish over-the-top sort of way or in any other negative fashion. It seems like such a rare thing to see in shows nowadays. It was a nice scene, and Shannen Doherty did a lot with her one scene in the show. It didn't feel cheap or like it was just an excuse to have her in the series. It was a very lovely, well-thought-out scene that contributed to the story.



Later at a diner (not Pop's Veronica's diner), Archie is struggling with knowing his dad did a good thing by stopping/helping/saving the woman by the side of the road, but a part of him is angry about it. Especially the fact that his dad died on the side of the road without any of his family or friends there. The other three try to ease their friend's pain by saying Fred died a hero (which he did), but it's all too much for Archie, so he goes outside and that's when he receives a call from Sheriff Jugdad who tells him that they got the guy who killed Fred...but he's been released. I'm not sure what Sheriff Jugdad was thinking, doing this. I mean, on the one hand, he was doing what he thought was right (letting Archie know), but saying the guy's name just gives Archie the means to track him down (which he does, after looking him up in the phone book at a payphone and ripping out the page). Surely Sheriff Jugdad should've realised Archie wasn't emotionally stable at this point and maybe it would've been better for him to wait until they all returned home before telling him the guy's name. Anyway, Archie arrives at the guy's place, bangs on his door repeatedly, and when the guy answers the door, Archie checks it's who he's looking for...then proceeds to slam him against the wall with his arm over the guy's throat. When the guy tries to calm him down, making the mistake of saying the word 'son', Archie punches the wall and says he doesn't get to call him that since he took away the one person in the world who did get to call him that. Then suddenly a teen (the guy's son) appears and tearily explains that his dad is just covering for him, as it was he who took the car out (without even having a driver's license) and caused Fred's death, then drove off because he was scared.

This^ is what convinces Archie to leave them both alone, as he sees the two of them hugging after he's released the dad. Archie's friends arrive, he fills them in on what he's learned and lets them know his reason for being so understanding about it is because it sounded like something he would've done (he confesses to having taken his dad's truck out when he shouldn't have in the past) and his dad would've taken the blame just like the guy took the blame for his son. This leads to Archie feeling guilty, saying how his dad would be ashamed of him for going after the guy out of revenge, but Veronica has a good talk with him about how that would not be the case. After that, they drive Fred home and meet Sheriff Jugdad at the town's boarder, where he offers to give Fred a police escort (like he deserves). Archie agrees and as they enter Riverdale, it appears the entire town has come out with flags and signs showing their love/appreciation for Fred Andrews and support for Archie. Despite it being under sad circumstances, people are waving their flags and smiling supportively for him...except for that one member of the Pretty Poisons who I now think should be referred to as 'Ravencrow Neversmiles', since she appears like she couldn't be less happy to be their showing her support. Other than that, it's a nice scene. They arrive home with Fred, Archie's mum hugs him and then the next scene is the funeral.

Josie's singing 'Amazing Grace', and although the whole town isn't there, all the important characters are. I can only imagine how hard it must've been for the actors/actresses to play a scene of a character being buried who was played by an actor whose funeral they probably attended in real life. Once again, Cheryl's/Madelaine Petsch's raw emotion that she displays kills me, as it seems it's really hit her harder than a lot of the others. Of course, Archie is the one most affected and he delivers a nice speech about his dad, saying how he was the greatest man he ever knew and how it hurts him that he never got to say goodbye. Kudos to everyone in this scene for having to act out what I'm sure were very real emotions. After the service, Veronica learns that her dad paid the bill for everything. Then comes a scene I wasn't expecting, and I thought was very effective. While Archie's dad has received a (well-deserved) hero's funeral, the grave of Betty's dad has been vandalised in a very end-of-Carrie-the-movie sort of way. There's junk lying everywhere, which Betty clears away, and she mourns her dad alone. I felt so bad for Betty. Her dad was a terrible human being, but for Betty he was still her dad, and unlike with Archie's dad, it appears no one else will be mourning him (it was quite the contrast). Lili Reinhart sold the hell out of this scene. This show doesn't often do 'subtle' (or even seem to know what the word means), but in this instance they managed to do it (and do it well).




After Archie's asked Jughead to write his dad's obituary, we hear it via Jughead voiceover and it's a nice tribute. We see various characters reading it and one I wasn't counting on seeing reacting to it was Hermione, who's in her orange prison jumpsuit and sobbing. Marisol Nichols didn't even get to utter a word in the episode and is only shown onscreen for a very brief moment, but she totally made the most of her appearance. She was another one whose emotions onscreen got to me. Archie and his friends gather in his back yard at night and prepare to let off fireworks (which, presumably, Cheryl has paid for just like she arranged the town-wide tribute to Fred). The final scene of the episode features Archie in the garage which his dad soundproofed so he could practice his music back in Season 1 and we're treated to some archive footage of Fred Andrews and moments he spent with his son. Archie, who's been barely holding it together all episode, finally breaks down and lets all of his grief come out as he leans on the jalopy they fixed up together. After the episode ends, there's a loving tribute to Luke Perry.

   


I must say, not since probably the 100th episode of Smallville have I watched an episode deal with the death of parent character in such a way that I found it effective on an emotional level. I wondered how this series was going to handle Luke Perry's passing/writing out the character of Fred, and I think they put together a really fitting, well-conceived send-off to both the actor and character he portrayed. It was heartfelt and very respectful (like I'd hoped for). This show gets a lot of crap from people, but occasionally the showrunners prove they're capable of telling a good story, as they did in this instance. The episode flew by, though featured no real 'action' or anything, was just people dealing with their grief in a believable way and that was enough. I'm not sure we'll ever get another episode that carries this much emotion ever again and I fully expect the show to return to its usual batshit craziness for the remainder of the season, but it was nice to take a break from all that and just deal with a very 'real'/'human' story about a son losing his dad. This might seem 'blasphemous' to some, but I was never a fan of the episode titled 'The Body' from Season 5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. To me it always felt out-of-place on that show and it had no impact on me whatsoever, whereas this one felt sincere and satisfying whilst also being very sad. Major kudos to everyone who contributed to this perfect send-off for a much-beloved character and even more beloved actor. RIP Luke Perry.

Voiceover Jughead says how Archie’s getting back to normal after his dad’s funeral, then looks over at the core four...including himself. Trippy. Even trippier? The other Jughead seems to look back at him. Voiceover Jughead also says they had dinner at Pop's every night - can they really afford to eat out every night? Didn't some of them have money troubles? Anyway, with two months having passed since the funeral, now Archie has an excuse to be not so down (whereas if this episode had picked up right after the funeral, the way Archie's acting here would've been weird). He's now good buds with Mad Dog and suggests he enroll in Riverdale High (no! Stay away from that place, Mad Dog! Many people have died there! Then again, you took on a whole bunch of guards at juvie, and therefore can likely handle yourself, so probably no need to worry). Betty's FBI agent half-brother, Charles (does Sheriff Jugdad even know about his son being not-dead yet?), informs her that her uncover informant mum hasn't checked in, which worries Betty. Veronica is meeting with her family's lawyer about the trials for both her parents, recommending she issue a statement of support, but she has nothing to say (and if she did, it probably wouldn't be anything very nice). Meanwhile, Cheryl is asking her rotting corpse of a brother what outfit she should wear (oh, Cheryl. Though considering what she wears is pretty dang nice, apparently dead people have excellent taste). Naturally, this being Riverdale, it's not long before there's shirtlessness and both Varchie and Bughead are gettin' it on (I hope Veronica will make sure to clean her place well after this. Or maybe she'll just have Smithers do it? Isn't it a bit weird to be having sex with your b/f at the same time/in the same place as your BFF and her b/f are having sex? Not in Riverdale, it ain't!). Sadly, no foursome (for those hoping for such a thing).



Of course, then the following morning they're all late to their first day of senior year, and as they run through the school halls to class they're abruptly stopped by the new principal called 'Mr. Honey' (just when I think this show can't come up with any more ridiculous name for characters...they prove me wrong) and he's played by Kerr Smith (congrats! Your character's last name is almost as bizarre as your r/l first name!). He maintains that this year is going to be 'different' now that he's running the show. So...does that mean no more allowing students to hang other students upside down and drop them to their death whilst at the same time getting hung up on petty squabbles between students? No, instead he will be the one getting into petty squabbles with students (in this case Cheryl) over the back-to-school dance, which he has cancelled even though she explains that people need it to 'heal', just like it helped her do after Jason's death (yet you're still talking to his corpse, Cheryl, so I wouldn't say you've fully 'healed' yet). Mr. Honey will not be swayed. Cheryl's not the only one having problems. Just as the football coach is telling Reggie that he's his #1 Guy or whatever, Archie introduces Mad Dog (we learn his real name is Munroe) to the coach. Reggie immediately sees he's got competition for being the best guy on the team and takes an instant disliking to him because of it. At the same time Kevin is apologising for being such a shitty friend to Betty last season (even before he got involved with the cult farm). Understandably, she's not in a rush to forgive/trust him, but says she's willing to give him a chance. I think I'd read somewhere about Sam Witwer being in this show, but had forgotten about it, so it came as a surprise when he turned up in the episode. Here he's playing 'Mr. Chipping' (giving off his usual whiff of underlying evil), who was apparently so impressed with a short story Jughead wrote for a contest (though he didn't win), he wants him to come study writing at his prestigious private school, Stonewall Prep. Of course, Jughead's 'too cool' for that and declines. 

Veronica reckons she's a shoe-in for Harvard, but then she and Archie are ambushed by paparazzi who bombard her with questions about her parents trials. Thinking quickly, she pulls the fire alarm which crowds the hall with students, allowing the two of them to escape the paparazzi (though I'm sure the fire brigade won't be too pleased about being called out for a false alarm). At football practice, as expected, Munroe kicks Reggie's arse (metaphorically-speaking), then Reggie's dad looks like he wants to kick his son's arse literally, but instead just gives him an earful for ALL to hear. Dude, if you're going to verbally abuse your son, at least be less obvious about it. Then again, no one but Archie seems to notice this each time it happens. Great job, coach! And it's not just the coach who is a questionable member of the school staff, as apparently the new principal has not only done nothing to keep paparazzi from getting into the school, but he also hasn't done anything to ensure that peeping toms can't gain access to the girls' locker rooms - which Veronica discovers when she catches one taking photos of her in there, though she assumes he was just wanting nude pics of all the girls. In actuality, he was paid by a reporter to score a photo of Veronica. The girls surround him, Veronica shoves him against the lockers and basically says if she catches him again, she's going to do to him what she did to his camera (I can't believe some people thought they were being too 'harsh' with the guy. Oh, yes, poor pervert being intimidated by the girls he was photographing without their consent). Things aren't going much better in the guys' locker room, as Reggie's picking fights with Munroe and yet again Archie is the only one actually doing anything about trying to keep the peace. What a great coach these footballers have! He really seems to care about his players (NOT). Elsewhere, Betty's stumbled upon a file of Charles's that says he's been surveilling Kevin, which she didn't know about/is none-too-pleased to discover. He thinks Kevin's still tight with the cult farm, as he's been itching to meet with Fangs who's still among them, so this could be used to their advantage. His plan is for Betty to purposely 'accidentally' slip some fake intel to see if Kevin plays the good little disciple and reports it to Fangs when they meet.

The only one who isn't having a tough time (he's just choosing to make things difficult) is, of course, Jughead - due to the fact that when he gets home, he finds his dad is talking to Mr. Chipping, who just will not give up on Jughead (wow, his short story must've been AMAZING). He basically has to be dragged kicking and screaming into accepting Chipping's offer to give him a tour of the school, hoping that'll make him change his mind. In Gothicville (aka where Cheryl lives), Toni's using a candelabra to light her way (I'm surprised Cheryl didn't freak out and rant at her, "Hey! Candelabras are MY thing!") and almost catches Cheryl chatting with her brother's rotting corpse, but she stops her and says she's just been praying to find out a way to deal with Mr. Honey (Cheryl should really have some better security - lest someone find her brother's rotting corpse. I'm guessing she's done something about the smell, since Toni doesn't get a whiff of stinkiness down there). She's decided that since he banned the back-to-school dance, she's going to host one (so...that'd make it a back-to-Cheryl's dance?). 'Archie's Party' by the band The Archies plays as she hands out invites at school (now, WHY can't we get the original version of their song 'Sugar, Sugar' in the show rather than the bastardized version we got during Season 1?). Bughead arrive for their tour of the school that's just itching to have Jughead join them after his apparently life-altering short story he wrote, and there they meet Bret, who will not being calling Jughead 'Jughead' (instead calling him 'Forsythe' - which I keep forgetting is Jughead's actual first name) and waffles on about the place before Mr. Chipping shows up and invites Jughead to join a discussion of Moby Dick the following day. Bret extends the invitation to Betty, but she's had enough of this and is like, "Y'all are so obviously super-weird here, so I'm gonna goooo..." (smart Betty!). Mr. Honey, who just keeps looking worse and worse (making me appreciate the previous principal in the process), seems more concerned with the fact that he's heard claims from an unnamed source at Veronica's speakeasy that she is responsible for the crimes her dad's been accused of (probably because Hiram said exactly that. Just when you think he can't be a more pathetic Mafia boss, he goes and tells the press, "*I* didn't do all those bad things...my teenager daughter did!") than he is with the fact that people keep getting into the school who really shouldn't be able to. Priorities!

As per Charles' plan, Betty purposely 'accidentally' lets slip info to Kevin about someone in the cult farm who is willing to come forward and spill the beans on their whole operation - this has all been made up by Charles, and he's proven right about his suspicions of Kevin still being involved with the cult farm, as he immediately blabs this info to Fangs when they meet in the woods. Fangs is pretty wary of Kevin and wants a name, whereas Kevin just wants his b/f back. Once Fangs nicks off, Betty shines a torch in Kevin's face and is all like, "Gotcha, traitor!". At Veronica's speakeasy, she wonders who the anonymous source was that gave out info to the press about her being guilty of her dad's crimes. She asks Reggie, but he says it wasn't him. He's also sporting a black eye and it's pretty obvious how he got it (I wondered how Veronica didn't immediately know something was up when Reggie was wearing sunglasses inside. What, did she think he'd become blind overnight?). When she's next in bed with Archie, she informs him of Reggie's black eye that he so obviously got from his dad. That probably killed Archie's mood, so no sexytimes for Varchie that night, I guess. Betty and her half-bro cross-examine Kevin, who maintains all he wants is some Fangs-lovin', as he has nothing left (well, you had Betty until you betrayed her, jerk). Betty wants to give him a chance to prove himself, but Charles is opposed to that. At football practice, once again Reggie has his arse handed to him by Munroe and his dad verbally abuses him so everyone can hear (yet the coach still does/says nothing about it). Only Archie decides to stick up for Reggie, telling off his dad, but then Reggie gets defensive and tells Archie to mind his own beeswax. It's only when he starts fighting with Archie that the coach (finally!) does anything (along with Munroe). Where was that concern for your players before, coach? 

Jughead attends the Moby Dick discussion...and dear lord, could they be more pretentious? Jughead's finally found his people! There's a stark contrast between that place and Riverdale High's classes being Dullsville snoozefests, which Betty later observes. She can totally tell Jughead's not feeling 'fulfilled', so after he walks out during the middle of class and she follows him (the teacher doesn't say a word about it, but since she's so focused with droning on about whatever snooze-worthy subject, it's no surprise. Honestly, students walking out during the middle of class is probably the least weird thing going on at that school), she encourages him to go to the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, saying they'll make things between them 'work'. I'm always amused to see Veronica pull out her blonde wig, sunglasses and headscarf disguise, as she does here when going to visit her dad in jail. He says he's refusing to pay for Veronica's crimes (ie. his crimes) and that's why he let everyone know she really truly is a Lodge at heart. At the back-to-Cheryl's party, she declares to everyone that Mr. Honey is their enemy and I think she even says she's going to 'behead' the principal (in this show, you never know if they mean things like that metaphorically or literally). Two things I noticed during this scene were Cheryl's dress - which she wears very well (dead people should pick out everyone's outfits!) - and the fact that Jughead, Betty and Veronica are dressed in red, yellow & blue. It just immediately caught my eye and made me randomly think "Superman colours!".



Apparently Cheryl still hasn't set up better security to keep people from stumbling upon her brother's rotting corpse, as Reggie almost does so. She tells him off and we see the best she can manage in hiding her corpse of a brother is to throw a white sheet over him. Even more crazy is that Betty and Kevin chat in Cheryl's bedroom whilst sitting on her extravagant bed. I highly doubt they got permission to do that, which means they're either very stupid or very brave to risk being caught there. Betty decides to trust Kevin and (rather foolishly) tells him everything, including the stuff about her mum being an undercover informant at the cult farm. She's crossing her fingers that he doesn't blab this to Fangs when he next meets with him, as she wants Kevin to tell Fangs that the witness who's going to testify against the cult farm is Penelope Blossom. Yet again, Reggie tries to pick a fight with Munroe, and he asks Cheryl if she even knows the guy, but while she doesn't, she's less opposed to him being at the party than she is to drunk Reggie being there. Nothing kills a party faster than the sheriff showing up, which is exactly what Sheriff Jugdad does, as he's had a noise complaint (though Cheryl points out there's no neighbours around other than deaf and dead people) and she's informed that Mr. Honey was the one who complained (so begins her plans for revenge). Archie seems to be going for sainthood, as he rescues Reggie from being arrested by Sheriff Jugdad after he offers to go get the sheriff a drink (though Sheriff Jugdad seems more concerned with bogus noise complaints than underage drinking. The only one he really cares enough about to tell them they shouldn't be drinking is Jughead, who tips out the contents of his cup).

Archie and Reggie have a heart-to-heart talk about Reggie's dad, and Archie's dad is brought up in the conversation since he was the complete opposite to Reggie's dad. Reggie's also apparently thought about his own dad dying in place of Archie's dad. Archie wants to help Reggie, who tells him he's already done enough by calling out his dad for his crap behaviour, so now he has to take care of the rest. It was good to see these two characters having a decent scene together, and also nice to see there's some actual depth to Reggie...then he goes and pulls a Ferris Bueller's Day Off on his dad's car (okay, so maybe Reggie's not that deep). When he next talks about his dad with Archie, he says that they reached an understanding or whatever (though it kind of sounds like Reggie possibly offed his dad). When Veronica's getting ready to leave her place, she's greeted by a mob of paparazzi as she opens her door, which she then slams shut before composing herself and reopening the door to say she will grant them ONE, and only one, interview at her speakeasy. But first they have to sit down, shut up and watch her performance of 'All That Jazz' from Chicago, which she performs with several girls (I recognised Cheryl and Toni, and thought one may have been Betty, but then I realised that was incorrect. It was just some other blonde). I actually quite enjoyed this performance (then again, I enjoy the movie version of Chicago). I just really like that song and Camila Mendes did a fine job singing it, I thought. When the performance is over, she answers the paparazzi's questions (saying she did illegal things under duress from her dad) and when asked as to which parent she's standing with, she basically says "They both suck, so I choose me!". The following day she informs Archie she's ditching the last name of 'Lodge' and using her mum's maiden name of 'Gomez'. If you were really not siding with either parent, Veronica, you wouldn't use your mum's last name either. Make one up instead! What's a good last name that goes with 'Veronica'? Something that rhymes with ‘Lars’, perhaps?

Betty's step-bro is rethinking saying he wanted her to cut Kevin loose, and Betty's all like, "Well, good news...I didn't! *cough*And I also told him mum is an informant.*cough*", but before Charles can really let loose with his admonishing her for taking such a risk, Kevin shows up and says Fangs told him where the cult farm are now taking up residence - an abandoned hotel behind the maple barrens. Also...Edgar has guns. Lots of guns. No, this doesn't sound dodgy at all. As revenge against Mr. Honey for ruining her party, Cheryl has left him a little gift in his office in the form of a beehive. I'm just picturing Cheryl decked out in full beekeeping gear (of course, it'd be red) and carrying that thing into school. See, Mr. Honey? Your lax security has worked against you! Jughead's all dressed up to go to the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness...except he's still wearing that stupid beanie of his - I can't WAIT to watch that thing burn when we catch up to the flashforward of Spring Break where Archie tosses it on the bonfire. Speaking of, the flashforward to that time period we get at the end of this episode involves everyone and their dog out searching for Jughead in the woods at night, calling out his name and making so much noise that it's not like they'd be able to hear him even if he did answer. Earlier in the episode, Sheriff Jugdad had said how Jughead's grandpa attended the school he's now going to (for a little while, anyway), but then he disappeared. Hmm, this bodes well.

Mad Dog Munroe is basically pulling his kid brother by his ear, admonishing him for hanging out with lowlifes at the arcade, and then he asks Archie when they're going to get on with turning the boxing gym into a community centre like they'd planned to do at the end of last season. Archie's like, "Well, sorry my dad dying took up all my attention, Mad Dog, but I'll get right on that, okay?". Jughead’s starting at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, his dad and sister are there along with Betty, and Sheriff Jugdad knows Bughead need some alone time, so he quickly gets Jugsis out of there as Bughead say goodbye while maintaining that being at separate schools won't cause any problems for their relationship whatsoever (riiiight). Meanwhile, Veronica has decided not to follow my suggestion of picking a last name for herself that rhymes with 'Lars' and is sticking with her mum's maiden name of 'Gomez'. Archie wants her to accompany him to the boxing gym, as he's meeting with someone about turning it into a community centre. She agrees to go...but not before SEX! At the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, Jughead finds (to his surprise) that he's going to be roommates with Moose (who we haven't seen since he left Kevin and decided to "Duh, stay out of Riverdale!"). Moose insists on being called 'Marmaduke' now (this is one instance where the nickname is less weird than the character's actual first name) because he doesn't want anyone at the school to know all the stuff he and his dad were involved with/he wants to start fresh. Jughead promises to keep his secret, but Bret (who Jughead met last episode when he was going on his tour of the school) is listening in and he doesn't seem like the type who can be trusted with keeping such things a secret (maybe it's his Draco Malfoy-esque look/demeanor?).

Betty, who it seems is now an honorary member of the FBI (since Jughead's basically part of the police force, working alongside his dad, it's not that out of the ordinary - at least not in Riverdale), continues working with her half-bro, Charles, in trying to bring down the cult farm. Even though we don't even see him, I felt a bit sorry for the undercover agent posing as a pizza delivery guy who Edgar’s daughter/wife, Evelyn, immediately realises something is off with, a scuffle ensues and then several gunshots can be heard (what if the dude was an actual pizza delivery guy who just got the wrong address?). Since the now-dead undercover agent was wearing a wire, Edgar uses it to taunt Betty's half-bro and is now sounding like he's in full-on evil mode. It also seems like there's something evil going on at Cheryl's place, as Choni are interrupted mid-makeout session by noises, and when they go to investigate, Cheryl's creepy grandma is standing by the fireplace and rambling about 'triplets' burning in a fire, whilst thinking Cheryl is Penelope. Hmm, last season we saw Betty 'hallucinate' her niece and nephew being dropped into a fire, and now Cheryl's creepy grandma is ranting about similar things. After Cheryl explained who she was and that the twins were asleep/safe, I was half-expecting there to be a cut to something suspicious-looking burning in the fireplace. I guess this show will never actually 'go there' (they just settle for mentioning such things). 

Archie, Veronica and Munroe are filled in on what's involved with turning the boxing gym into a community centre and it's like Archie's only just now learning that places need things such as safety inspections and a second bathroom, etc. He's all, "Hmm, that sounds like it might be expensive." (which it is - WHO KNEW?), so Veronica offers to pay, but he doesn't want anymore handouts, so then her next idea combines her two favourite things - shirtless guys and making LOTS of money. Cue shirtless carwash scene, though (disappointingly) Veronica keeps her shirt on. Alas, she overestimated the 'financial pull of (Archie's) pectorals' (you know, if it'd been guys and girls doing the carwash whilst wearing barely anything, you might've earned twice as much, Veronica). I was amused that yet again Archie required clarification about money - in this case when Veronica says they made "a little over four", he asks, "Grand?" (no, Archie, $400). They then brainstorm other ways to make money and Veronica wants to see them reenact the final scene of The Full Monty, but none of them seem to be on board with that (really, all her suggestions just seem to involve guys getting their kit off. That's her solution to everything - just like Archie's solution to everything is his fists).

Betty receives a call from Edgar, who's gone from peaceful cult leader who harvests organs to full-on evil beardo making demands for fake passports, money, food, water and a bus after mentioning to Betty how he started cutting off fingers of his disciples and that's when he learned Alice was an undercover informant. In comparison to that, Jughead's problems don't seem so important, as Bret is reading his story in front of everyone who proceed to kiss his arse while only Jughead smirks at it. Bret encourages him to share his thoughts on the story, saying he can handle any criticism, but then when Jughead does criticise his story, Bret proves he can't handle criticism and attacks Jughead's story about 'Goblin Kings' as payback. He's basically saying that Jughead's story isn't at all believable. Jughead should totally take him to Riverdale and he could achieve two things - 1) prove that everything he wrote was real (since spending even the briefest time in that town would allow anyone to see exactly what sort of craziness goes on there) and 2) hopefully Bret would get taken out by whatever maniac is running around in Riverdale at the present time (as there always seems to be one). Alas, all Jughead does is threaten (after Bret insults him) and Mr. Chipping eventually intervenes, saying the school has a 'zero tolerance for fighting' (why do I get the feeling they'll be fully tolerant of other shady shit, though?). Someone else who isn't getting along with a new person they've met is Cheryl, who wonders WTF some random dude is doing in her house, but turns out he's a night nurse that Toni hired (from online - always totally reliable, I'm sure) to help take care of the place, Cheryl's creepy grandma, the twins, etc. Cheryl reluctantly allows him to stay, but FORBIDS him from going down to the basement (where she's secretly keeping the rotting corpse of her dead brother, Jason). WHEN will characters in this show learn that forbidding/banning things just makes other characters want to investigate them more?

Jughead walks in on Moose (I'm refusing to call him 'Marmaduke') and one of the girls from his group (her name's Donna) gettin' it on. Moose points out the sock on the doorknob, but apparently Jughead didn't notice. Donna warns him that Bret is a 'diplobrat' (son of a diplomat) and someone to watch out for, as instead of getting payback with his fists, he's all about 'psychological' warfare and isn't afraid to play dirty. After she leaves, Jughead's confused by Moose and is like, "Wait...didn't you like guys? What're you doing with a girl? Does. Not. Compute." and Moose has to explain that he's bi. Bughead's better half is having a lot rougher time, as Edgar's being a dick again over the phone, he tells Betty he's already released a hostage after she asks him to, then that hostage turns out to be her sister, Polly...with a bomb strapped to her. While Charles and the rest of the FBI are probably thinking "Return to sender! RETURN TO SENDER!", Betty's the only one who seems to be remaining relatively calm. While some people might've questioned these supposedly skilled FBI agents getting a 'teen' civilian to do their job, the fact that Polly is panicking means probably the only one who won't set her off is her sister. She's got a 'dead man's switch', which means if she lets go of it...BOOM (along with probably the rest of the room). As is usually the way with these sorts of situations, the person defusing the bomb is instructed to cut a certain wire (in this case, the yellow wire), which Betty does, but then she's like, "Uhh...why is this thing still ticking down and at a faster speed?". While I knew Betty wouldn't die, I was half-expecting Charles to grab her and pull her away just as Polly went BOOM, splattering Betty with sister bits...but instead Betty has her trusty bobby pin in her hair (bobby pins - is there anything they can't do?), which she uses to replace the pin Edgar removed from the trigger. The sisters, but especially Polly, look like they almost shat their pants (not that I blame them. I actually felt some tension during this scene, so kudos to the show for that). 

Compared to this^, Jughead and the other members of his group being given the task to write an ending to a murder mystery where the murderer's identity is revealed (they'll read out all their versions of the ending and vote for a winner) isn't that thrilling. Hell, it probably wouldn't be interesting even if it hadn't just followed a bomb-defusing scene. Another storyline the fails to live up to the excitement of the bomb-defusing is Munroe's kid brother getting jumped by those same lowlifes he warned him about (maybe he'll listen to his big brother next time?) at the arcade, and now Munroe wants to make them pay, calling on Archie to go help him do that...but Archie thinks maybe there's a better way to handle this that doesn't involve using their fists (WTH? This isn't Archie, it's got to be some strange, non-violent version of him who's taken the real Archie's place!). Apparently the lowlifes' boss is called 'Dodger' (oh, Jughead and his group would've had a great time discussing that) and Archie says he'll inform Sheriff Jugdad/let the police handle it. What sort of intelligent, mature, reasonable person is this? 'Cause it's certainly not Archie Andrews. Polly, who seems to have finally gotten out from under the thrall of Edgar (about damn time! I guess becoming a suicide bomber against your will will do that to a person), warns Betty that Edgar can't be stopped and they should do what he says or he's going to start sacrificing the people from his cult farm and Alice, if she's even still alive, will likely be one of the first to go. Betty then asks Veronica if she can help get the money Edgar's demanded, but $250,000 is a LOT and Veronica's not an ATM (though you were willing to give Archie $40,000, Veronica, and since he doesn't want it...it could've at least helped Betty out a bit). Instead, she says Betty can take all her dad's 'Glamourge eggs' - like the one Choni stole last season - which should fetch a pretty penny. Toni is able to score the fake passports, and then Betty drives the bus with all the stuff Edgar demanded to his cult farm, asks where her mum is, but he just blathers on, spouting crazy cult crap before Evelyn (who's competing with Jughead for most pretentious headwear, as she's sporting a béret) clobbers Betty from behind, knocking her out. It should also be mentioned that on top of going full-blown crazypants, Edgar now feels the need to have his shirt open, showing off his torso. I guess whoever wrote this episode wanted to give the CMM fans one more look at his abs...since it'll be the last chance they'll get to admire them (spoiler!).  

You know, Jughead and his lame tormenter just can't compare with Betty's whole storyline she's got going on. Bret annoys/taunts Jughead and then makes the mistake of insulting his family and he starts getting physical with the jerk, but refrains from giving him a well-deserved pummeling, saying he should try "writing compelling drama instead of starting it" - the 'drama' you two were starting wasn't that compelling, Jug. Neither is Veronica finding her dad in his study (he claims he can just come and go from 'his' prison as he pleases), as he's pissed at Veronica wanting to change her last name and proceeds to tell her a non-compelling story about how his actual name was originally 'Jaime (pronounced 'Hymie') Luna' and he was given a hard time, so he wanted to change it, which pissed his dad off that he beat him. So, that was the birth of 'Hiram Lodge'. Doesn't this just illustrate that objecting to Veronica changing her name makes you a hypocrite, Hiram/Jaime? He says changing her name won't work (because she'll "always be a Lodge") just like changing the locks won't work, because nothing can keep him out. And the other non-compelling storyline going on in this episode is Archie getting into an argument with his mum over the community centre, as she makes actual valid points for getting out of Riverdale, but he won't listen and even uses his dad's death against her (low blow, Archibald), then decides to go all masked vigilante on the lowlifes' arses with his trusty baseball bat (but can it DEFUSE BOMBS?). He's outnumbered, but somehow manages to beat them all up with his face, then takes the money he needs for the community centre renovations, but Munroe's equal parts pissed he didn't get in on the action and that the money is 'dirty'. Archie then wants Veronica to do something about it being dirty money (I wonder if he took what Munroe said literally and he's just expecting Veronica to put it in the washing machine to clean it?), but she suggests he get rid of it. So, you'll involve Veronica in your crimes, Archie, but not accept her offer to pay for the community centre renovations? You're so crazy! Not as crazy at Edgar, though, as he's tied up Betty, who is finally reunited with her mum...who's also tied up. And so follows the craziest exchange I think I've heard in this show (and that is REALLY saying something), in which Alice informs her daughter of Edgar's plan...




Just let that^ whole exchange sink it, process it, then accept this is the world of Riverdale (Betty doesn't even ask any follow-up questions such as, "Wait...do you literally mean Edgar's going to take off in a rocket ship...to space??"). Compared to Edgar's whole scenario, Cheryl seems like only the second craziest person in the episode, as she goes down to the basement for one of her regularly scheduled reading sessions with her brother's rotting corpse...and thinks he's been moved from where she last saw him. This leads to her firing the night nurse, after she learns he went into the basement against her orders - though I think if he'd discovered Jason, he would've been reacting along the lines of "WTF?!". Then again, maybe night nurses in Riverdale have seen everything this crazy town has to offer and nothing shocks them anymore? Either way, she sends him packing with an angry version of her usually-cheery "Toodles!". He's probably better off getting out of there anyway. Back with the most batshit crazy storyline of the episode, Evelyn says "Those bitches." (takes one to know one!) after she finds Betty and Alice missing, then receives payback for clobbering Betty by getting clobbered in the head herself (how I wish Betty would've gone all 'Archie' on her and kept clobbering like he did with the bear man in last season's final). Sadly, Betty appears to allow Evelyn to keep breathing, but I loved the fact that she stole her outfit and béret (not that it'll disguise her much, since technically everyone should know what Betty looks like, but it's fun to think of her just doing something petty like stealing Evelyn's béret simply to tick her off when she eventually awakes). Betty and Alice, who look kick-arse as they're walking together, attempt to get everyone on the bus so they can escape, but Fangs recognises Betty and tries to out her - so she shuts him up with a fist to the face (go Betty!) and others just do what she says when she tells them to take him onto the bus. She then encounters the previous principal...and apparently he was one of the unfortunate people who lost a finger. It seems that's caused him to finally snap out of being under Edgar's thrall, but then we get a zoom-in of Edgar on the stairs and Alice asks for Evelyn's Betty's gun and goes after him. 



Next up is probably THE MOST INSANE scene this show's had yet (and when you factor in what's come before...you realise how 'normal' all the insanity has become on this show). Turns out Edgar taking off on his rocket ship wasn't metaphorical or a euphemism...he's LITERALLY got a rocket ship ready to launch him off to...freedom? Space? His home planet? Who the hell knows? Alice aims Evelyn's Betty's her gun at Edgar, who's decked out in Evel Knievel getup (to further prove just how nutso he's become), and unbeknownst to Alice, he's got a gun of his own shoved in the back of his pants which he's slowly reaching for as he spouts his crazy cult crap at her. They both fire their weapons, Betty hears the shot and runs up to find her mum has successfully put down the nutbar who was rambling about 'ascending'. Betty asks what happened and Alice answers, "Edgar ascended." - this is probably the MOST I've liked Alice since...I can't remember when exactly. Maybe Season 2? Yes, it's rather transparent that the writers had her character turn out to be not actually crazy, because otherwise how could they expect viewers not to hate her guts for everything she put poor Betty through? If we could have Betty and Alice kicking arse and being awesome together, then that might go a ways towards me starting to forgive Alice for everything. Anyway, the first step towards her redemption is finally ridding us of Edgar Evernever who'll never ever get to play out the live-action version of the Leader from the Movementarians in The Simpsons, complete with crazy cult leader attempting to escape with all the money he's stolen on a spaceship (or, in this case, a rocket ship). So long, Nutbar (wish your daughter/wife could've joined you in 'ascending').



As things start winding down, Archie's mum tells him she's sticking around and that she's going to work on getting Archie's community centre declared a nonprofit - meaning that he can get donations, apply for grants and won't have to pay tax. Earlier on, Veronica came by Archie's house to give his mum the donation Archie refused to accept and she didn't want it either because she didn't want him staying in Riverdale due to the body count constantly rising, but then Veronica gave a speech about how she believes in/wants to invest in Archie and how he makes her believe in herself ( you don't need Archie to make you believe in yourself, Veronica. You're plenty awesome on your own!). Veronica pays her dad a visit in jail (which he's returned to. I wonder if he sneaks in any stuff he grabs from home?) and sticks it to him by saying she's changing her last name to what his originally was, so now she'll be 'Veronica Luna'. Take that, dad! Jughead discovers that copies of a news article about Moose and his dad (who impersonated the Gargoyle King last season) have been stuck up everywhere and poor ol' Moose knows that his time at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness is over (count yourself lucky, Moose, as clearly some sinister shit is gonna go down at that place in the not-too-distant future). Cheryl goes to ask her rotting corpse of a brother whether the night nurse saw him. The only answer she gets is the squeaking of a rat that crawls out of his stomach and this is what freaks Cheryl out apparently, as she screams and then proceeds to flatten the poor rat with a large book (RIP Ratty). As she's sewing up the hole in her brother's stomach, Toni walks in and catches her in the act, wondering WTF is going on (and THIS is why you should've had better security, Cheryl!).

The episode ends with Bughead together, and he's telling her about how jerkwad Bret came at him through hurting Moose because earlier when Mr. Chipping was holding votes to see whose ending for the murder mystery should be the winner, both Bret's and Jughead's came 'last' - which it seems Bret is holding Jughead responsible for (not sure how that logic works. Jughead made you come last...and himself as well? Anyway, the winner was Donna). Betty's like, "You think you've got problems? I almost wound up as a hood ornament for a bus that was going to get driven off a cliff by a bunch of crazy cultists as their leader flew off in a rocket ship! And this was after I almost wound up with my sister splattered all over me! Don't whine to me about your Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness problems, Juggie!"...or maybe she's just thinking that. Anyway, Polly's off at some treatment centre, getting help (hopefully it's legit) and Alice is working on an exposé about the cult farm. Betty then makes the mistake of saying, "I'm just happy that this nightmare is...finally over.", which naturally leads to a knock at the door. They go to investigate, and as Jughead finds a VHS tape has been left, he responds to what Betty said with, "WHY did you have to say that?! Haven't we got enough crazy shit going on in our lives without you falling into that classic horror movie trope of saying it's all over/we're safe now only to have something TERRIBLE happen?!"...or maybe he just says "Famous last words". Whatever you do, DON'T watch the tape, Bughead, or a creepy black-haired ghost girl will crawl out of your TV and you'll be dead in seven days (in this show, that could actually happen).

I guess Bughead called their parents before deciding to watch the VHS tape left for them on the doorstep at the end of last episode, as now all four are watching it. Disappointingly, there's no creepy black-haired ghost girl, it's just hours of footage of their home which someone's been filming from across the street. Apparently they're not the only ones who've gotten such a tape, as Archie, Veronica, Cheryl, Toni and Pop get them too. A lot of Riverdale citizens still have VCRs, it would appear - though that's certainly not the strangest thing about the people who populate this town. No, the strangest thing would be that not only have we skipped over Toni's reaction to finding Cheryl sewing up the rat-infested rotting corpse of her dead brother, Jason, but we've moved straight onto her acting like it's just sort of weird for Cheryl to be keeping him in the house and talking to him like he's still alive. Firstly, I would've liked to have heard the conversation they had about it and watched Cheryl attempt to explain how it's not that strange to Toni. And secondly, how is it that Toni hasn't called someone to come take Cheryl away to somewhere she can get some serious help? Hey, maybe she could join Polly where she's at now, getting deprogrammed (according to Betty, in response to Jugsis expressing her bitterness over Jughead being away at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness). Then again, the place Polly's at is called 'Shady Grove'...so I expect some shady shit to be going down at that place. Anyway, Toni appears to be getting sick of Jason's rotting corpse being in the house, as she keeps pressuring Cheryl to bury him already (surely the Blossoms did something to keep him from smelling, otherwise there should be flies all around and the stink would be unbearable). She reluctantly agrees, but says he won't be happy. Only in Riverdale could two people be so nonchalant about such a thing. IT'S NOT NORMAL.

Also not normal is students wearing Halloween costumes at school of actual serial killers from their town. I mean, I get wearing costumes of serial killers from movies, TV shows, etc, but they're a special breed of sicko who dress up as the Black Hood and Gargoyle King, and this clearly upsets Betty, but Mr. Honey just tells them to remove the costumes. I wouldn't have been opposed to him giving them a slap upside the head for the emotional pain they caused Betty (but these Riverdale High principals - their priorities are all screwy). Also in pain is Moose, who thinks joining the army is a better option than staying at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness (and he'd be right! There's less chance of dying in the army). He just can't deal with being called 'Gargoyle Boy' (you think that's the worst thing, Moose? You should hear about half the shit Betty's had to deal with) after jerkwad Bret outed him and his dad being involved in the Gargoyle King plot last season. Betty, Archie, Veronica and Kevin hang out in the student lounge and discuss not only Betty's upsetting encounter, but also the creepy tapes and the fact that Veronica's dad managed to get into where she lives (shouldn't she be calling someone to say there's a prisoner who keeps escaping? I mean, if he owns the prison and everyone there is under his thumb, maybe she should call Sheriff Jugdad or something?). Reggie enters the scene and wants someone to accompany him in TPing Mr. Honey's office. Kevin's the only one who agrees, and that's because the principal apparently gave him a week's detention for going to the bathroom without a hall pass (like I said, it would appear Mr. Honey is continuing the tradition of the principals of this school being more concerned with trivial things rather than stuff that actually matters). Munroe then enters the scene and informs Archie that the lowlifes the masked vigilante beat up are looking to terrorise the town on Halloween night (again, CALL THE POLICE). He manages to stop himself from outing Archie as the vigilante, then Veronica suggests they have a Halloween party at the community centre to keep the kids safe/off the street. She says she can have costumes made up by a friend in New York who is an amazing designer and goes to the school of performing arts (this reference to the spin-off starring Lucy Hale and which Josie joined - Katy Keene - is not a show I've seen, but merely heard of. I missed this reference when originally watching the scene). 

At the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, Mr. Chipping has tasked the group with bringing in something written by their favourite horror writers. Naturally, Jughead's gone with H.P. Lovecraft - which Bret scoffs at, then Jughead returns the favour by remarking how predictable going with Edgar Allen Poe's 'The Raven' is, though Bret says his favourite story is one about a guy going missing and being sealed up behind a brick wall to never be heard from again. The fact that he's smiling creepily as he describes what a horrible way to go that would be makes it pretty clear that's what he'd like to do to Jughead. This brings up discussion of the 'Stonewall Four', who Jughead knows nothing about but later learns from Mr. Chipping that it's an urban legend from the school about four students who went there and disappeared suddenly (not all together/at the same time, but over the span of 30 years). According to Chipping, however, they just 'dropped out' (of a window to their deaths, maybe?). Later still, Donna (who seemed to be the only one of the group who was decent to Jughead) offers him some coffee...and, wouldn't you know it, he's just been drugged, collapses to the floor and sees the group standing over him with Bret doing his creepy smile thing. Clearly something sinister is about to go down at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness (who'da thunk it?). Something sinister going on elsewhere is Choni finding a creepy doll in the house after having buried Jason's rotting corpse. Cheryl's explanation? Jason's ghost is most displeased with his body being buried. Also not having an overly fun time is Betty, who has to explain her costume (which must be the cheapest/easiest-to-assemble Halloween costume EVER) as being 'Laurie Strode from the original Halloween' to Jugsis, who's reaction is like, "The original? You mean the 1998 one?". Poor Betty, being stuck with the younger generation. And to top things off, when there are trick-or-treaters at the door, it's more kids dressed as the Black Hood and Gargoyle King (I imagine all these kids dressing up in the same costumes getting into fisticuffs because others stole their idea and they thought they were being so original with their choice of costumes). Honestly, Betty could've easily scared them as payback for opening up old wounds if she'd wanted to simply by inviting them in and having them spend a few hours witnessing the live-action horror movie that is her life. 

Also living out a real life horror movie is Jughead, who awakes to find himself in a coffin (but, hey, at least he has a lighter. People who bury others alive are always so polite/considerate enough to let them have a lighter. Imagine being buried alive and not even being able to see anything? Now, that'd be truly scary). He starts off not overly impressed (he really should've yelled out "Live burial? You're as lame and predictable as your choice of favourite horror literature, Bret!"), but that only lasts for so long before he's freaking out. Another classic horror movie trope is playing out at Betty's house, as the phone rings and she only hears breathing on the other end, she hangs up on the mouth-breather, but then it rings again and this time it's a Black Hood wannabe claiming to be the real thing. Betty's not buying it since she saw the real Black Hood/her dad get his brains blown out by Penelope Blossom in last season's final, so she hangs up again and locks the door. Okay, firstly...WHY wasn't your door locked before this, Betty? You know exactly the type of creep-filled town you live in, and on Halloween night? You should've been answering every door-knock whilst holding a gun behind your back just as a precaution. And secondly, this prank caller is so amateurish. Repeated calling, breathing, claiming to be a serial killer? At least go for something new/inventive that hasn't been done a thousand times before. I mean, considering the stuff Betty's dealt with previously, this is juvenile in comparison. Speaking of juvenile crap, Jugsis pulls some on Betty when she hears a thud come from her room, runs upstairs and finds Jugsis lying on the floor in a pool of blood (I think she's meant to have a slit throat). She then jumps up and laughs at having contributed to Betty's already shit day and WHAT A BITCH Jugsis has turned out to be. Surely she knows all the crap Betty's been through...yet she pulls this shit?? Betty really needs to have a talk with Jughead, next time she sees him, about his sister being such a...well...little shit. Before that, though, Betty deals with the amateurish prank caller again. Too bad this show doesn't allow F-bombs and such, as I would've enjoyed hearing Betty subjecting the prank caller to an expletive-laden tirade (which they'd richly deserve). Instead, she's only allowed to say PG13-ish things to them and I was half-expecting it to turn out to be a friend or family member who was calling who'd interrupt her mid-shouting, but of course it's the the lame Black Hood wannabe and it seems there's no horror movie trope they won't pass up - in this case it's the good ol' "the call is coming from inside the house" trope. There's a knock at the door which turns out to be her half-bro, Charles, and he's brought pizza. Naturally, she invites him in (because it couldn't possibly be him who made the call...could it?).

Turns out Veronica wasn't having her designer friend, Katy Keene, make costumes for the kids at the community centre Halloween party...but rather for Archie and Munroe. I felt sorry for both actors having to wear the ridiculous reject superhero costumes. Veronica tells them that Archie is 'Pureheart the Powerful' and Munroe is 'The Shield'. The latter's costume looks like something Captain America said "Pass." to and the former's costume is just like what you expect any generic superhero costume to look like...but with a big 'P' on the front. Pureheart the Powerful? Really, Veronica? You may as well have dressed your b/f up as Tenderheart from the Care Bears. After sticking Archie with this costume, she nicks off to go close up at Pop's her diner. I'm surprised Archie and Munroe didn't immediately ditch those embarrassing getups and wear something non-ridiculous while Veronica was gone and have someone as a lookout to let them know when she returned so they could change back into the costumes and she'd be none the wiser. Instead, they stay in costume and then expect to be intimidating/taken seriously when they have to deal with the lowlifes and their leader, Dodger, crashing the party. I think they maybe make one snide remark at some point in regards to the costumes, but I don't know how they're not laughing their arses off the entire time just looking at those two. Dodger wants to take one of the kids who works for him (and who Archie took a knife off of earlier), but Munroe and Archie (Munchie?) won't let him. It's crazy that they manage to get his gang to leave simply by saying that the community centre is private property, but somehow that works. Meanwhile, Choni are making out on Cheryl's extravagant bed, they hear Polly's twins making a racket and when they go down to investigate, the kids are asleep. Cheryl's creepy grandma is her typical creepy self and they find the creepy doll that Toni threw away has returned. She asks Cheryl if she's messing with her just to get Jason's rotting corpse that they buried back in the house, but she denies it and says it's Jason's ghost, suggesting they perform a séance in an effort to tell Jason's ghost to "QUIT IT!". At Pop's Veronica's diner, a trucker played by one of those 'Hey, It's That Guy!' guys, who it feels like I've seen in many different things (Ben Cotton is the actor's name and I'll forever think of him as 'Angry Fisherman' from Harper's Island), shows up when it's closing hours and Veronica lets him in, despite the fact that it's just her there alone on Halloween night IN RIVERDALE - how does none of this cause her to say an immediate "NOPE!"? 

While all this^ has been going on, Kevin and Reggie have been TPing Mr. Honey's office, but he catches them in the act, tells Kevin to accompany him and makes Reggie stay behind. Kevin and the principal have a chat, Mr. Honey steers him towards believing that Reggie made him do what he did to the office and basically says Kevin hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of getting into NYU after what happened with his two musicals he directed and the craziness/deaths that resulted from them. The scene ends with Kevin ratting out Reggie as being the one with the idea of TPing the office (so it would appear Kevin's not just a shitty friend to Betty, but to Reggie as well, and will rat out anyone if it's of benefit to him). Mr. Honey's chat with Reggie goes a bit differently, as he goes talks about the persona Reggie puts on and how people don't laugh at his jokes, but rather laugh at him. He seems to be getting into Reggie's head (though considering the creeper vibe he's giving off, it also seems like he wants to get into more than that). He tells Reggie to think about what he's said to him whilst he cleans the office he made a mess of. Someone else dealing with a creeper is Veronica, as the trucker wants to show her a picture of his family...or are they? Speaking of family, Betty's eating pizza with her half-bro, tells him about the Black Hood wannabe calling her and he says next time it happens, he can trace the call - which is what they do. It's slightly amusing that Betty pretends to just have a normal conversation with the person on the other end, seemingly having changed her attitude towards them - though it's all just to keep them on the line while Charles traces the call's origin. I was also amused that when Charles got the trace and gave Betty the signal, she just ceased pretending like she wanted to chat to whoever was on the other end and immediately hung up. Unfortunately, when Charles informs Betty of where the call was coming from, it turns out to have been the Shady Grove place Polly's staying out. Betty gets Charles to pose as Edgar as they call back and this gets Polly to answer, desperate to hear from Edgar (as clearly she's not aware that her mum plugged him full of holes before he could fly his rocket ship away to safety), then Betty says the BEST THING EVER as she lets Polly know who it really is and that she's onto her. Go Betty! 



Also...go Veronica! After she hears on the TV in Pop's her diner about an escaped patient from the same Shady Grove place that Polly's been staying at (I KNEW some shady shit would be going on - it's right there in the name!), she wastes no time in locking the creeper in the diner and running downstairs to her speakeasy, filling a bowl with booze and turning off all the lights. The guy manages to escape from where he was locked inside and comes down into the speakeasy, using his lighter to illuminate the place. When he looks up, Veronica's standing on the bar and tosses the bowl of booze onto him which sets him alight, then she whacks him with a chair before running off. Any Veronica haters can STFU, as she just proved herself quite capable of being able to take out a maniac all by herself. It was awesome! Less awesome is Archie's storyline, involving him finding the kid who Dodger wanted earlier has been shot (that's what he gets for not listening to Archie when he told him to stay inside). Honestly, everything Archie's doing for these kids is going above and beyond what he should have to be doing, and they're just useless and stupid and don't listen. Sheriff Jugdad, who Archie had tried calling earlier, eventually turns up. I'm surprised he hasn't been doing the rounds, going from Betty's place to Pop's Veronica's diner to Archie's community centre to his son's coffin. Jughead has either lost consciousness or fallen asleep by the time he is finally freed by Chipping, who claims that he didn't know about it (which is an obvious lie) and acts like it's no big thing (yet he'd told Jughead previously that the school has a 'zero tolerance for fighting'. I knew that he'd end up having a tolerance for something much worse), saying it's a 'tradition' and 'not to be taken seriously' (how does one not take being seemingly buried alive - even though Jughead actually wasn't buried, the coffin was just in a classroom - seriously??). The group who were behind it reckon this now makes Jughead one of them, though Bret makes a point of telling Jughead that if he thinks they took it too far, he could just leave. So even after all this, he still hasn't eased up on his hatred for Jughead. Come on, Jug! You pride yourself on being smarter than everyone else...use your smarts to take care of this jerk! Someone else who needs to deal with a jerk is Reggie, as he finds his car has been given the same treatment as he gave Mr. Honey's office (but with added smashed windows), and it's blatantly obvious that the principal is behind this, having gotten revenge. What is it with the adults in Riverdale having vendettas against high school 'teens'? They're so petty!

Betty is offered by her half-bro the opportunity to be a candidate for the junior FBI training program (but wasn't she already basically a member of the FBI, considering all the stuff you had her doing last episode...including defusing a bomb? Seems kind of 'backwards' to be going from that to having to do training). He reckons together they can find out who's behind the mysterious tapes. Varchie are in bed together and discussing what they got up to on Halloween night. Veronica's all, "I set an escaped mental patient on fire, what'd you do?" and Archie's all, "I kept wanting to beat myself up in that costume you forced me to wear, Ronnie...oh, and a kid got shot. It's okay, it was just his leg.", which leads to him doing the only thing that makes sense...calling the police deciding to become a costumed vigilante - though even Veronica has enough sense to be skeptical about him wearing that costume she got him. It's not exactly going to strike fear into the hearts of criminals. Archie is like, "Oh, Ronnie, don't be stupid. I'm not going to dress up in that ridiculous thing...first, I need a mask!". Honestly, with the way Veronica handled herself, she should be the one out auditioning to be the next 'Arrowverse' superhero...not you, Archie. It was kind of funny how he first said he couldn't believe she managed to do what she did all by herself, and then he immediately said the exact opposite to that, and reckoned he could totally believe it. Let's just pretend you didn't say that first part, huh? Someone else who could do with a good mind-wipe is Toni, as she's been dealing with Cheryl's crazy shit all night and has finally had enough when she finds the creepy doll they'd buried has returned. Cheryl admits to gaslighting Toni earlier (back when she said she wasn't), but on this occasion she swears she's not behind the return of Chucky. Her creepy grandma then chimes in that it was Julian who brought it back. Who the hell is Julian? Well, earlier Cheryl's creepy grandma explained that Penelope didn't just have twins, she had triplets (so that's who Cheryl's creepy grandma was ranting about in a prior episode, when she mentioned triplets burning in a fire!), one was named Julian and that one died...from being consumed by Cheryl in utero! This is pretty heavy stuff, but like Toni just seemingly accepting Cheryl talking to her brother's rotting corpse, Cheryl (and Toni) don't seem that fazed by this new information. It must also be pointed out the two of them dressed as Poison Ivy & Harley Quinn for Halloween. I remember in a previous season it was stated by one half of Bughead that Cheryl had 'gone full Poison Ivy'...and now it appears she's completed her transformation into becoming a super villain. All that's missing is her conversing with plants (do dead brothers count?). 



The episode ends with Bughead on the phone with each other and Jughead's telling Betty how Moose has seemingly vanished from their room, leaving no trace that he was ever there. Betty thinks he may have joined the army, but Jughead thinks that the ones who locked him in a coffin chased Moose away and the reason for the coffin prank was to prevent him from being able to do anything to stop them. They both express regret over not being there for each other during what they had to endure, though Jughead says Betty was there for him since it was the thought of her that kept him going. Aw. Not so "aw"-worthy is the fact that Charles is listening in on his half-siblings' conversation, apparently having tapped Betty's phone. Poor Betty, she seems to be the most 'normal' of her family (and considering she has a 'dark' self, she's not that 'normal' to begin with). Smash-cut/flashforward to Betty and Jugdad identifying what appears to be Jughead's corpse in the morgue. You know, they don't look as broken up about it as you might expect. Apart from all the other reasons to think Jughead being 'dead' isn't real, there's the fact that they have so little reaction to seeing him on a slab which pretty much guarantees there's going to be a faked death happening at some point in Jughead's future (hey, it wouldn't be the first faked death on this show). I have to say, I was a bit disappointed with this Halloween episode. Considering the series has been delving more and more into the 'spooky' and supernatural, it could've been a lot creepier than it actually was. I guess I'm 'spoiled' for Halloween episodes, as the last one I watched was from Season 1 of the show Evil - now THAT was a really good, unsettling Halloween episode.

The Halloween episode may have been disappointing, but the next one was equal parts boring and infuriating. The most entertaining part was the beginning with Archie chasing off a purse-snatcher and getting maced in the face for his trouble when attempting to hand the purse back to the ungrateful woman. While a part of me felt sorry for him (hey, lady, what kind of mugger did you think he was when he just chased away the guy who was attempting to steal your purse and then he hands it back to you?), but the other part of me hoped this would teach him a lesson that being a masked vigilante ain't so easy. Though that woman isn't the only ungrateful person he's dealing with, as he's also got those ungrateful kids at the community centre who are stealing comic books (which Archie ends up paying for) or hubcaps off cars, and then they complain about the community centre closing at night and wonder what'll happen when Archie goes to college. To top things off, he's got neighbours of the community centre speaking out against his place because if they don't, Dodger and his lowlifes will go after them. Archie then holds a press conference saying he'll be keeping the place open later at night and they're also going to start a Big Brother/Big Sister program, which he encourages those speaking out against his community centre to come help with instead of complaining, as it'll keep kids from getting into trouble. And if they're not going to help...then stay out of his way! He also pays Dodger a visit in his masked vigilante getup and brandishing a tyre iron, basically telling him to, "Duh, stay out of Riverdale!". I'm sure he'll totally do what some guy in a mask tells him to and there'll be no retaliation whatsoever. 

Veronica's parents are having their trials around the same time as each other and Veronica's made it her personal mission to get her mum out of prison whilst making sure her dad stays in. Pop has been called to take the stand, but if he does he's not willing to lie and that's bad news for Veronica. Hermione's already in strife when a connection is made between her and Tall Boy (who is the one accused of shooting Hiram...and is also dead), which means she's going to get charged with attempting to have Hiram killed or whatever. Veronica visits her dad and he's his usual man-child self. It's looking bad for Hermione, even with her own daughter and Archie's mum on the case, but then Veronica has the bright idea for her to enter a plea of guilty to lesser charges (which apparently everyone already knows she's guilty of) before more serious ones come out. She then has a plan for how to get her mum pardoned - which involves blackmailing the governor. This isn't the first time Veronica's done such a thing, but she claims it'll be the last if he does what she wants - which he agrees to. However, Veronica finds she's got a new problem to deal with in the form of a half-sister she didn't even know about (what is it with this show and secret half-siblings?) and who has been called upon by Hiram to get him out of jail. She's also bugged Veronica's speakeasy, so she has recordings of the various deals Veronica's made with people that could get her into a whole world of trouble. Oh, and her name is Hermosa (which sounds like a name Hermione would've given a child, wanting their name to sound like hers, but that's not the case. Congrats, Veronica. You're the only member of your family with a 'normal'-sounding name). She's under the impression that she's Hiram's 'favourite' daughter and once he's out of jail, he announces his candidacy for mayor while Veronica attempts to kill both him and his 'favourite' daughter with eye daggers. 

At the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, Jughead's telling Donna (the one who drugged him before he was locked in a coffin on Halloween night) that he's done some investigating and found out the 'Stonewall Four' (which he learned about last episode) disappeared over the course of 30 years (you didn't find that out, Jughead. Mr. Chipping told you it!). He reckons this is what's happened to Moose, but Donna claims he's just at basic training (for the army) and the two of them text regularly (if I were Jughead, I would've asked for evidence of this). Later, Chipping hands out to the group advanced copies of the latest in a series of books that apparently Jughead's been a big fan of since he was young. Chipping says he wrote the latest one and he's the most recent in a long line of ghostwriters. Jughead goes home to search for his collection of the book series he loves so much, but finds his dad's stuck them in the basement because he reckons he 'outgrew' them, though Jughead begs to differ. At the school, he gets to meet the originator of the books and fanboys away, then the old guy says that a new ghostwriter is to be chosen to take over from Chipping. The group is given the task to write the next three chapters of the novel and an outline about what's to come. The theme is not yet decided (that's helpful).

Jughead's looking through year books from the past at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness and finds the originator of the books he loves was a friend of his grandad. He asks the old guy about it, and he says Jughead's granddad was a great writer, but also a 'brawler' (so he and Jughead have that in common). He then asks Jughead if his dad is a writer. Not so much, it would appear, as Sheriff Jugdad gives both Jughead (and me) whiplash, since he spent SO much time trying to convince Jughead to go to the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, but now it sounds like he doesn't approve of that place and it seems to have something to do with his dad (who he got his name from and passed down to Jughead) having gone missing from there under mysterious circumstances. He rants about how those at that school think they're better than others, he talks about his dad (Jughead's granddad) being an abusive a-hole and not a writer, but a dropout, then when Jughead says he's been invited to attend a reception at the school, Sheriff Jugdad says he doesn't want to go (it was unintentionally amusing when he whined about how they'd probably make him wear a tie...when he was currently wearing one as part of his sheriff uniform). 

Later on, he's changed his tune yet again and it seems he's all for Jughead staying at the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness (just as Jughead was about to unenroll from it and go back to Riverdale High). He then tells Jughead that the ones giving him a hard time at the school are only doing that because he's a better writer than them. At the reception, they play a game where one person gets a piece of paper that says they're a 'murderer' and they have to wink at their 'victims' (who fall to the floor, playing 'dead') until someone figures out who the 'murderer' is. It eventually gets down to just Jughead and Bret being left, but Jughead winks at Bret before he's figured out Jughead's the murderer. He tries to accuse him, but as Jughead points out...Bret's 'dead'. And so, Jughead wins the game and has a chance at being the next ghostwriter for the book series he loves so much. This, naturally, pisses Bret off who makes the mistake of insulting Jughead until he gets physical with him, though he refrains from punching him - though obviously Bret wanted him to, since Chipping firmly established the school's 'zero tolerance for fighting (but not for sticking people in coffins and making them believe they're buried alive - that we're fine with)' rule and it would've likely gotten Jughead kicked out if he had punched him. At the end of the episode, Jughead insists he go by his real first name instead of 'Jughead' (though I ain't typing 'Forsythe'. Screw that!) and the group is informed of what the 'theme' will be for the books - the 'perfect murder'. Which leads into the final scene that is a flashforward to Sheriff Jugdad interrupting a class to arrest Archie, Betty and Veronica for Jughead's murder. 

Betty, who I guess has now fully forgiven Kevin for his shitty treatment of her last season, urges him to join her at the junior FBI program that her half-bro, Charles, got her involved with. Kevin only seems to care about how 'hot' he finds Charles and asking Betty what sexual orientation her half-bro is. It gets pretty old pretty fast (imagine a guy asking this about someone's sister constantly, or a girl asking it about someone's brother - it's not funny, it's just annoying). Betty and Kevin are at the junior FBI program where Charles is showing mugshots of three men at a time, and they have to try to pick which one's the serial killer...which Betty guesses right every time. Charles then brings up those 'serial killer genes' that were introduced last season and which still make no sense whatsoever. Betty's reminded of her mum and sister telling her she had those genes (though, to be fair, they were crazy and involved with the cult farm at the time, so maybe don't take them at their word, Betty?). She goes to the doctor to confirm she's got the 'serial killer genes', which she's not happy to learn she does in fact have...though she lies to Kevin about it (eh, considering all the stuff he did, who cares?). The next scene was a very upsetting one, as it's Charles showing instances of animal cruelty/killings done by serial killers. I was so grateful that we don't actually see the pictures, but it reminds Betty of when she was being hypnotised by Edgar towards the end of last season and Polly was pretending to be Betty's 'dark' self, reminding her of the time she killed her cat, Caramel. Remembering this upsets Betty and she walks out of the class (I was upset enough from hearing about the serial killers' acts of animal cruelty). After the next lesson, in which she learns serial killers keep journals/diaries/notes and are the 'heroes' of their own stories, Betty checks through her old journals/diaries.

She meets Kevin at Pop's Veronica's diner, confesses to him about having lied in regards to her not having the 'serial killer genes' and then tells him how she killed her cat when she was young. Apparently it didn't drown like Polly-as-'Dark Betty' said last season. What actually happened was after the cat had been hit by a car and was lying on the grass, her dad made young Betty finish it off with a rock. On the one hand, at least she was putting the poor animal out of its misery. But on the other hand, I don't think serial killer daddio was getting her to do this as a mercy killing (it's more likely he wanted her to get a taste for killing). As much as I hate young Betty for what she did (and the fact that we had to watch this scene play out), it's a good thing at least that adult Betty feels sad/bad about it, whereas if she didn't care at all, then I'd be worried about her current mental state. Kevin, still putting in an effort to make up for last season, tries to be a good friend to Betty by saying it was her dad who made her do it, but that's obviously of little consolation. He then suggests she stop going to the junior FBI program if it's bringing up bad memories, she tells Charles she wants to quit and admits to him about having the 'serial killer genes', but then he confesses he has them as well and says she should use being in the junior FBI program to curb whatever dark impulses she may have (so he's basically acting as Dexter's dad to Betty's Dexter?). She tells Kevin about her plan to stick with the junior FBI program, but it's not for the reasons Charles said - it's so she can keep an eye on her half-bro, because she suspects he's keeping secrets (and maybe because he admitted to having the 'serial killer genes' and he's not as good at keeping his serial killer impulses in check as she is? That might also have something to do with it).

At the start of the next episode, Jughead voiceover explains that when the sun goes down...so does criminal activity (like we'd expect anything else in Riverdale). One of the ungrateful youths Archie's been helping out at his community centre hasn't learned from his past mistakes (or Archie's big speeches) and is trying to steal from a car, so Archie (in his masked vigilante getup) handcuffs the kid to the steering wheel, Sheriff Jugdad arrests him and he finally learns his lesson as he goes to jail - no, wait, that's what should've happened. Instead, Archie has his mum help the kid get released from jail and he gets work at Pop's Veronica's diner. That's right, reward the criminal! That'll teach him never to do it again! Dodger ain't happy that Archie's taking his minions and giving them honest work. Archie directs Sheriff Jugdad to the arcade where he should be able to find all the stuff Dodger's had stolen, but of course it's his minions who stole it, while he just sits back and acts all squeaky clean, so Sheriff Jugdad has 'nothing' on him (too bad Archie doesn't invest in a body camera, then he could just film all the dodgy shit Dodger and his lowlifes get up to and toss it to Jughead's dad like "Here's your proof."). Despite the many chances he keeps giving the ungrateful youths, they keep doing dodgy shit for Dodger and when Archie questions why, their excuse is "Because he gives us free pizza and let's us play arcade games!" (well, maybe you should eat healthier food and do exercise instead?).

Of course, Veronica's there to help Archie out with getting arcade games for his community centre, but apparently not even that is enough, as Dodger still has free pizza! So then Veronica says food from Pop's her diner will be brought in for these greedy bastards. Honestly, they don't deserve all this stuff they're getting. Dodger's had enough of Archie's generosity and calls him out to verify his suspicions that he is the masked vigilante (yet another reason Archie would never make a legit superhero - bad guys have no problem figuring out his secret identity). When Archie goes home, he finds a black mask pinned to the door and is in the middle of explaining to his mum not everyone's happy with what he's been doing when, as if to prove his point, his house gets shot up and him and his mum narrowly avoid ending up like the house (as sad as I am to have not seen Vegas the dog for a while, I hope he didn't die of depression after realising Fred wasn't coming home.   It's probably a good thing he wasn't present when this drive-by happened, otherwise he could've ended up shot). After this, I can kind of understand Archie going to Veronica's dad for help (after telling him he didn't want anything from him earlier on when he offered). Since Sheriff Jugdad's been no use in stopping Dodger and his lowlifes, Archie basically tells Hiram, "I want you to take care of Dodger...in the Mafia/You sense." and then seems surprised when that's exactly what happens towards the end of the episode, as he finds Dodger beaten and bloody (though, annoyingly, still alive), rolled up in a carpet, and Archie let's him bleed out and his problems are solved calls him an ambulance. Damn it, Archie! This whole community centre storyline is equal parts boring and annoying. I miss the days of you being in prison...wait, no I don't. Well, I miss the days of your Shirtless Army -- nope, that's not true either. I can't remember what your storyline in Season 1 was, but I'm sure it was less annoying than the ones that followed it (oh, that's right, you were boning Miss Grundy. Yeah, that was kinda weird, but also much less annoying). 

Something else that's annoying is Veronica's family. I had high hopes that Hermione had finally decided Hiram was no good for her and that she was going to team up with Veronica against him and his secret other daughter who's come out the woodwork...but nope. He appears to her shirtless and she jumps his bones in no time (honestly, it seemed more like a dream she was having, as it was SO soap opera-ish and over-the-top, how he just basically seduced her back to being on his side with shirtlessness. Then again...it works for Archie). So, about 5 seconds of her being a 'strong independent woman' and then she's back to being under Hiram's control. Meanwhile, his other daughter has no problem with her dad (unlike Veronica), and she claims he's told her how special she is/she's his 'favourite' (the exact same thing he called Veronica earlier). Unfortunately, Veronica doesn't get the hell out of there and go live with her dope of a b/f and his mum, but instead stays with her awful family. Very disappointing. 

Also disappointing is that Jughead's storyline basically amounts to him figuring out that his granddad wrote the first one in that books series he loves so much, despite the 'originator' supposedly being the old guy who he met last episode. He then accuses his former hero of plagiarism and the old guy shows his true colours by insulting Jughead's granddad, his background, his lack of wealth, etc. He's a snob/elitist through and through, and invades Jughead's personal space to threaten him if he tells anyone about these 'outlandish' accusations. Naturally, Jughead runs to Mr. Chipping, shows him what he deems to be 'proof' (different writing styles! That's all the proof you need...right?) and I was actually surprised that Chipping turned out to be a decent guy, as he admits he can't in good conscience let this plagiarism slide, so he's going to back up Jughead on this one...until he decides to throw himself out a window. Now THAT was a real surprise (I think I'd either read or heard about it previously at some point, but had promptly forgotten it, which is why it ended up being a surprise for me). Jughead tells the other members of his group to call an ambulance to help poor splattered Mr. Chipping...but they just remain seated, being all creepy/unfazed by their teacher's suicide. It was kind of morbidly amusing how it happened. He seemed upset about something, then just took a flying leap. Unfortunately, his replacement turns out to be the nasty old guy who Jughead accused of plagiarism. So...I guess Chipping won't be bouncing back from this (that's what you get for criticising the Riverdale writers, Sam Witwer!).




Betty's storyline is pretty ho-hum this episode too. She's been following her half-bro, Charles, around and seeing that he doesn't get up to much - which is VERY suspicious, according to Betty. She goes and visits fake-bro, Chic, in jail where she asks him about Charles (who he impersonated in Season 2), he tells her they were involved and Charles killed a guy. Betty voices her suspicions of Charles right to his face and gets him to take a lie detector test, where she asks him questions, he mentions being a recovering addict and such, but the only important part is the bit about him killing a guy, though in his version it was Chic who did it (the scenario he describes sounds a lot like what happened with Chic killing a guy in Season 2, which Betty and her mum had to cover up). Oh Alice, you were awesome for ONE episode this season (the third episode, when you shot Edgar before he could fly away in his rocket ship), and now you're back to being annoying again. It seems she's pissed at Betty for going to Chic and distrusting Charles (though, to be fair to Betty, she'd said that she didn't trust either of them), especially since Chic's now telling his lawyer he knows about a murder Alice committed in the Black Hood's house. Alice wants Betty to apologise to Charles and make nice-nice with him after he helps Sheriff Jugdad dispose of the corpse that Betty and Alice (along with Sheriff Jugdad) disposed of in Season 2. Betty seems to be feeling bad about distrusting Charles (no, Betty! Trust your instincts!), but it turns out Charles is in cahoots with Chic, given the conversation they have through the glass at the prison. Poor Betty just can't have one single decent family member, can she?

Speaking of family, Cheryl's appear to her in a dream at the foot of her extravagant bed, with her mum holding the creepy doll and saying that Cheryl's sibling she absorbed in the womb (according to her creepy grandma) needs a body...so they're going to give him Cheryl's. She awakes, screaming (as she often does), then has the bright idea to drown the doll (at first I thought she was going to give it an acid bath, but it quickly became clear that wasn't the case when she proceeded to stick her hands in it). And as if this isn't enough craziness, then other relations of hers show up (causing her to faint, as she also does quite often), and when she awakes from that she learns they're there because they want her to sign over the maple business to her since it hasn't been very profitable after her dad died and her mum vamoosed. With Toni's encouragement (saying it'll get them away from all the craziness), it seems like Cheryl's considering signing until her relatives say they want to go visit the chapel to light a candle for their dearly departed, then she loses it due to not wanting them to discover her brother's rotting corpse she's been keeping there. She says essentially "NO SIGNATURE FOR YOU!" and throws them out, but then later one of them (Cheryl's uncle) has found Jason's rotting corpse and he's going to have Cheryl locked away (her aunt had already threatened to do this earlier, but now there's proof Cheryl's off her rocker), he gets physical with her, but Toni whacks him with a candle stand (candles are clearly Cheryl's - and now Toni's - 'thing' just like bobby pins are Betty's 'thing' and beating people up is Archie's 'thing'). It's quite possible he's now dead. When Cheryl's aunt comes looking for him, Cheryl's like, "Umm...what uncle?". Sadly, this was another average episode (making it three in a row. I'd say the Halloween episode was the 'best' of the three, and it wasn't even that great. Seems like it's been all downhill after the rocket ship ).

It's Thanksgiving in Riverdale...except Archie doesn't really have much to give thanks for, since it's the first one since his dad died. He visits Fred's grave with his mum (you know what would be nice? If we saw Vegas the dog there too!). One person who does have something to be thankful for is Veronica's dad, who has apparently run 'unopposed' for mayor and WON. It's kind of funny how we didn't even see him campaigning or anything. Then again, no matter what kind of campaign he had, it would've still been ridiculous that someone who just got out of jail and is a known Mafia boss would even be in the running for mayor. Not to mention everyone probably voted for him simply out of fear of what he'd do if they didn't vote for him. He seems pretty happy with himself. And I would be too if I were him - he's probably barely containing his Sideshow Bob-esque evil laugh now that he has ALL THE POWER.




He wants Veronica to join him and the rest of the fam for Thanksgiving dinner, but naturally she would rather be serving food to poor people with her b/f at the community centre than spending Thanksgiving with her evil dad, doormat mum and annoying half-sister who's under the delusion she's the 'favourite'. Hiram says Veronica oughta be careful around the community centre, since Dodger's beaten body was found outside (which he obviously was responsible for). Speaking of he-who-is-now-comatose, his dickish family the Dickensons (more like The Dicks) plot their revenge against whoever put him in that state, and I can't say I'm happy to have Azura Skye's character return, as she annoyed me enough the first time she appeared in Season 2. See, Jughead? This is why you should've had your Serpents finish her off back then! At the present moment, he's wondering WTF was up with Mr. Chipping throwing himself out a window and none of the rest of his group seeming to care, while the old guy who was nasty to him claims Chipping was just a drunk. I'm not sure why Jughead even bothers asking whether Chipping had words with nasty old guy about the accusations of plagiarism he tossed at him, since even if Chipping had said something...what use would that be now? Naturally, nasty old guy reckons Chipping said nothing to him and he suggests Jughead drop these 'delusions' about his granddad being the actual original writer of the book series Jughead loves so much. Funny how nasty old guy didn't come clean and just admit to being a plagiarist, huh? Jughead gives nasty old guy an evil look as he walks off, and then he ropes Betty into helping him dig into Chipping's 'suicide' and what a romantic way to spend Thanksgiving! There's also an ice storm on the way (hence the episode title) and Bret continues to eavesdrop on conversations whilst lurking around the corner. Maybe always check that jerk's not listening in before you have these types of conversations, Jug?

Veronica, who seems to have an endless supply of money, has gone all-out with giving the community centre everything it needs for a Thanksgiving party. Munroe questions Archie's plan to deep fry a turkey, but apparently it's a tradition his dad had. Then Sheriff Jugdad comes to deliver the bad news that as the new mayor, Veronica's dad wants to shut the community centre down, which Veronica knows is payback for her not accepting his invitation to spend Thanksgiving with him (the way Munroe reacts to the news, I was half-expecting him to say something to Veronica, essentially blaming her for all this, though she'd be justified in pointing out that she's basically been paying for EVERYTHING at the community centre and is pretty much the reason it even got off the ground to begin with. Thankfully, there are no remarks from him on the subject of the community centre being caught in the middle of a daddy/daughter disagreement). Despite delivering Hiram's message, Sheriff Jugdad reckons if he were Archie, he'd screw Hiram he'd be all like, "Screw Hiram!" (I think that's what he was getting at, anyway). He then goes home and expresses to Alice his desire not to be doing Hiram's dirty work anymore, but doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of quitting being sheriff either. Alice is only interested in two things: having sex at Pop's Veronica's diner and Thanksgiving dinner right now! Er...it might've been the other way around. When Veronica returns home, as her awful family sit down to a full Thanksgiving dinner, she gives a speech about how just when she thought her dad couldn't BE more petty, he does this - taking away the one place homeless kids have to go to get food on Thanksgiving. Then she proceeds to pull the tablecloth - along with all of the food - onto the floor. It was a fine gesture, Veronica, but maybe instead you could've just taken the food to feed those supposedly starving kids? To be fair, I don't think any of the food would've gotten that dirty, since it basically stays on top of the tablecloth even when it's on the floor. Anyway...take that, turkey Lodges! 



Toni's been feeling guilty over accidentally killing Cheryl's uncle, but Cheryl reassures her that no guilt need be felt since she was just saving her g/f. Also, they need to get a wriggle on if they want to toss his body in the river before it freezes over (I love the way Cheryl says this with a smile, like it's just another day in her crazy gothic life). Toni's too busy feeling the same as Luke Skywalker did after he landed on Dagobah, all "I feel like...we're being watched!" and blasts Cheryl's two still-breathing relatives with her blaster. Actually, no, that's not what happens. Disappointingly, they just turn up and want to know what's become of Cheryl's uncle. Luckily, Cheryl's conspired with her creepy grandma to set up an elaborate ruse where she tells them all a dark gothic tale (speaking at a glacial pace. Seriously, I was like "Hurry the hell up and get to the point, creepy grandma!") on Thanksgiving about distant relations who were forced to cannibalise each other, and then Cheryl's like, "How's your pie? Does it taste familiar? It should. You knew that meat pie well." and one of the two relatives finds a ring belonging to the 'missing' uncle. So, they're made to believe they've eaten him, and Cheryl threatens to out them as cannibals to everyone unless they bugger off, but when they don't quite believe Cheryl would do something that crazy, she has Jason's rotting corpse wheeled out and this is enough to convince them that Cheryl is indeed that crazy. I was amused by her line that was essentially asking them if they wanted a doggy bag to put the rest of her uncle in for their journey home.



Bughead have the chance to make the story Cheryl's creepy grandma told a reality when trapped in the school, unable to order takeout food because of the ice storm and Jughead jokes about it now being the part where they freeze and starve to death since the room seems to be getting colder (if Sam and Dean Winchester were around, they'd say a cold spot means ghosts). When he goes to get food from the vending machine, he's accosted by a creepo in a rabbit mask and wielding an axe. It's so obviously Bret, even before his mask is removed, but thankfully Betty whacks him good in the back of the head with a golf club. Then another bunny-masked person turns up, and it's Donna. For all his bravado and trying to act tough/intimidating, Bret's actually a big wimp, requiring a belt to bite down on like he's being flogged when in fact Betty's just stitching up his stupid head. I'm glad Betty told him off for trying to scare Jughead. You and Jughead should've just eaten the two of them, Betty. It's not like the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness bothers asking questions about missing students. I doubt they'd be missed.



Sadly, though, Bughead don't resort to cannibalism, and instead willingly play a game of 'Never Have I Ever' with the two jerks (I've seen this game played out in a number of shows, but this is the first time I can recall seeing those who participate holding up their hands and using their fingers to indicate when they have or haven't done the thing someone says). It basically ends up being an attempt to get Bret to admit he had something to do with Chipping's 'suicide', but of course he's not going to admit to it, Jughead! WHY do you keep expecting all the jerks who go to this school to tell the truth when they're so obviously LYING LIARS WHO LIE? Betty excuses herself to go refill the flask they've all been taking swigs from. After she held up the flask to Jughead earlier when they were forming their plan, I totally thought that meant they were going to spike the drink and use it to knock out the other two...but no, instead she just uses her time away from the game to go look through their things and eventually she stumbles upon a tie pin which Jughead found was a link between Chipping and the nasty old guy Jughead suspects of being responsible for Chipping's death. Apparently they were both in a secret society at the school called 'Quill and Skull' (wasn't that the fat and skinny bullies from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?). Jughead's theory is that the nasty old guy used the secret society's initiation (revealing deep, dark secrets) to get information on Chipping which he then used to blackmail him into committing suicide. Once they're alone, Betty tells Jughead that sometimes killers take souvenirs from their victims as trophies. Since she's practically an expert on serial killers at this point, she knows what she's talking about. There's also the matter of a note Bret dropped earlier - which Jughead really should've hidden once he picked it up, rather than openly reading it so Bret could snatch it back off him. From what little of it Jughead saw, it looked like a suicide note of Chipping's, but Bret claimed it was just a writing exercise they were tasked with involving getting into Chipping's mind or some such - which Jughead totally wasn't buying.

Elsewhere, The Dicks have crashed the Thanksgiving party at the community centre and Archie's eventually made aware of who exactly they are and what they want. They've also brought a gun. Does nobody have phones on them they could discreetly use to call for help? I guess that's what the purpose of the storm is - so that the bad guys conveniently can't be stopped. I was impatiently waiting for Archie's mum to actually do something besides stand there and be horrified at her son having a gun pointed at him. Azura Skye/Darla is looking ready to shoot him as revenge for what happened to her son (that's right, Dodger was apparently her SON. Azura Skye looks about the same age as the guy who played Dodger, which makes this thing feel very odd), but then the deep-fried turkey explodes which causes a distraction and Archie knocks the gun away, punches some people, Veronica stabs the hand of one with a carving fork (go Bet-- I mean Veronica!) and finally Archie's mum does something useful by picking up the gun and pointing it at The Dicks, telling them to piss off. Rather than letting them go, she probably should've just continued pointing the gun at them whilst others tied them up/kept them restrained until Sheriff Jugdad was eventually able to turn up. Instead, once The Dicks have run off to threaten another day, everyone at the community centre sits down to say grace (despite the fact that Archie's mum claims that her family have never been deeply religious. And here I was thinking after the first episode this season, when Archie prayed along with Shannen Doherty where Fred died on the side of the road, this show was going to be different from all the other ones these days that seem to treat being religious as a bad thing). Though the following day she claims that the exploding deep-fried turkey was a sign Fred's watching over them, so maybe they're going to start being slightly more religious now? It's kind of funny when Archie's mum is all like, "Yesterday was crazy, wasn't it?" and Archie's all, "That was a 'normal' day for me, mom. Welcome to Riverdale!".



Someone else who wasn't having a fun Thanksgiving dinner was Sheriff Jugdad and Alice, after they saw Veronica's parents walk into Pop's Veronica's diner (on account of their daughter having pulled their Thanksgiving dinner onto the floor). Sheriff Jugdad was all like, "Don't look, don't look! If we pretend not to notice them, maybe they'll go away!", but then Alice called them over and invited them to join her and Sheriff Jugdad. The four parents were surprisingly getting along for a while, until Sheriff Jugdad brought up the subject of him not wanting to be Hiram's puppet anymore, which then led to them having words, getting into a physical altercation and Sheriff Jugdad almost shoving a broken bottle into Hiram's face. I imagine Hermione was thinking, "We should've just stayed home and eaten the floor turkey." while Sheriff Jugdad eventually got his arse over to the hospital after learning The Dicks caused trouble at the community centre, and just as a doctor was saying they keep an eye on their patients, the ironic segue proved him wrong since Dodger was suddenly missing from the bed he'd been in. The comatose walk! The following day, Jughead and Bret are watching Donna confess to the headmaster about her apparent affair with Chipping (which she earlier admitted to Betty who confronted her about Chipping's tie pin that she'd found in her room), claiming he got aggressive with her after she tried to break things off with him. Bret reckons this means the mystery of why Chipping offed himself is solved - it was due to a guilty conscience. However, Jughead doesn't seem convinced. The episode ends with everyone (well...almost everyone. Naturally, Hiram and Hermione aren't there, nor is Hiram's other daughter - who thankfully seems to have vanished-  and neither are The Dicks...actually, 'everyone' just means all the people who it would make sense to be there) at the community centre, remembering Fred Andrews as Archie puts up a plaque on the wall to honour him (did he just have that lying around, ready to go?). 



The next episode begins with Jughead voiceover telling us that after a brief hiatus, the main characters receiving tapes with hours of footage just looking at their houses had started up again, only this time the footage was closer to their houses! On the one hand, this should probably feel 'creepy' because it's something that could actually happen (someone recording footage of people's houses), but on the other hand...it seems pretty weak as far as scare tactics in Riverdale are concerned. I mean, they've dealt with WAY worse stuff than this, so it just doesn't seem that 'scary' in comparison. Something that is scary for all the students is colleges sending out envelopes, some thin, some thick (quit body-shaming the envelopes, Jughead voiceover!) and there's at least one student in the Riverdale High hallway who is reacting over-dramatically. Since this is a time of over-stressing for the students, Mr. Honey has asked the guidance councilor (they've had a guidance councilor THIS WHOLE TIME and only now are these characters visiting her??) to extend her office hours. Her name is Mrs. Burble and she's played by Gina Torres, who it feels like I've seen in a million different things. Some characters she's played annoyed me, while others were okay. I wasn't sure if she was going to be playing an irritating kind of psychologist or one that I found to be decent. The first student she sees is Betty, who goes to her after the latest WTF-ness Alice has been up to involving her finding out Betty's not been accepted to Yale...by going through her mail, and then going through her room (finding birth control pills in the process) and her diaries as well. Understandably, Betty loses it after this massive invasion of privacy and that's why she seeks out therapy.

Of course, then Alice butts in on Betty's therapy session (just like she butts in on the rest of Betty's life) and so follows a majorly cathartic scene for me as an audience member and Betty fan, as Betty proceeds to verbally unload every messed up thing Alice has put her daughter through. It'd be too long a list to include here, but suffice to say she covers pretty much ALL of it. Naturally, Alice interrupts several times in an attempt to justify her actions, but Betty just plows through everything her mum's done and I was especially amused after Mrs. Burble asked how all this stuff has made Betty feel and she answered with, "Like I'm filled with gunpowder and I'm one "Elizabeth" away from exploding." (doing a bang-on impression of the way her mum says her full first name all the time). I was glad that Betty pointed out to her mum that saying "I love you." was not an apology. Basically, it all comes down to Betty wondering why her mum puts her through everything that she does instead of doing it to Polly and she emotionally answers by saying it's because she 'loves' Betty the most/more than Polly - which is kind of a BS answer, since it doesn't change the fact that Alice has a very odd way of showing she loves one daughter the most/more than the other, but it was still a good scene with really solid performances from both Lili Reinhart and Mädchen Amick. I was glad to see Mrs. Burble allowing Betty to air all her grievances towards her mum, as I was half-expecting her to interrupt Betty several times throughout to say, "Take it easy, she's your mum." or some such thing - to which my response would've been "SO WHAT? She needs to hear all this!". Towards the end of the episode, some progress is made in the form of Alice finally paying Betty back her college fund that she stole (when she was involved with the cult farm) and leaving Betty's mail unopened. They seem to have reached an understanding, as Betty returns her mum's "I love you the most" (suck it, Polly! You're not anybody's 'favourite' in your family!). Now...let's see how long Alice respecting her daughter/her daughter's privacy actually lasts. 



Archie's the next one up, as he's been falling asleep during class (on account of his extracurricular activities involving being a masked vigilante). I noticed a difference between how Mrs. Burble interacted with Archie and how she had acted with Betty. During Archie's session, she seems to 'push' him more, making him angry - and that's when he finally lets out all his feelings. He's sick of being treated like he's dumb/an idiot (well, there's a way to fix that, Archie...stop being dumb/an idiot) and admits that he is angry. I'm not sure how much of a 'breakthrough' this is, since I don't think Archie's had trouble expressing his anger when he's felt it. We've seen him hit things and whatnot, though I guess this is the first time he's really yelled. So, I guess that's progress? His main issue is that he 'hurts' and wants to keep the people in his life who he cares about safe, but Mrs. Burble reckons he's addicted to his vigilantism and is adamant that he quit going out at night doing the things he's been doing, as it'll lead to him getting hurt or worse. Too bad Archie took away the wrong message from all this - ie. to continue doing what he's doing, only changing the way he goes about finding lowlifes to beat up, as now he's set up a 'Tell Me Where The Bad Guy's At So I can Beat Them With My Bat' hotline at his community centre which kids in need of help can leave a message on and that tells him exactly who to go after. Yay progress? K.J. Apa did a good job in this scene, at least, showing more acting chops than I think he did throughout the entire first season of the show. If nothing else, this scene showed that he has steadily been improving, acting-wise, throughout the series. 

Cheryl is called to Mr. Honey's office where he cites her missing many classes and dealing with dead relatives, a mum on the run and raising twins as the reasons he thinks she needs to go see the school councilor. He's also threatening to take her cheerleaders away from her and put an adult in charge of them instead. This appears to greatly upset Cheryl, so she's the next one to pay Mrs. Burble a visit. I actually LOL'd when Cheryl's name came up on the screen (as all the characters' names do when they visit the councilor, along with whatever 'CASE No.' they are), as it made me think "Ooh, boy..." and how this session was really going to test Mrs. Burble's patience, as Cheryl Blossom has enough baggage to unpack that she and her issues/problems could take up an entire episode (or several) all by herself. I was amused that the councilor just brushed off every one of Cheryl's insults she directed at her. Like with Betty's issues, there'd be too many things to list here, but it seems that Cheryl is worried about being crazy (hey, at least you're aware of your own craziness, Cheryl. That's the first step - acknowledging you're nutso) and Mrs. Burble knows most of what's gone on with Cheryl. The only thing I wasn't so sure she knew the full extent of was Cheryl and her 'speaking' to Jason. I'm wondering if she just thought Cheryl goes to visit Jason in the chapel and speaks to him/he 'answers' back, but she doesn't know that Cheryl's keeping his rotting corpse in a wheelchair in her house. I would think that if she were fully aware of that part, she'd do something about it. Instead, she points out to Cheryl that it's much more likely that someone is gaslighting her by making her believe she's crazy than the ghost of her brother she consumed in the womb is haunting her. She then suggests Cheryl get a DNA test to see if she's got any part of her brother in her or not (she later finds out she hasn't got any bro DNA in her and vows revenge against whoever's gaslighting her). I think out of everybody, Cheryl was the one who made the most 'progress'. Though Mrs. Burble does break the news to her that she is recommending having someone take over the cheerleaders while Cheryl focuses on herself/getting better. Madelaine Petsch really killed it throughout this scene, but especially in the one that followed where she broke down in the girls locker room and muffled her scream with her 'HBIC' shirt. 



Veronica, meanwhile, finds out from her dad that at least she ranks higher than the first bottle of rum he ever produced (as well as his diploma from Harvard, which she's applied early to) as his 'greatest achievement' that he places in a glass case directly in front of that portrait of his other daughter which he's put on the wall (replacing the Veronica portrait and one of himself - both of which he liked to stare at creepily). Via phone call, Veronica later learns that she got into Harvard and she's extremely cute/adorable with her jumping up and down in excitement after hearing this news. We even see it from the perspective of the students still in class (which she walked out of when she got the phone call). It actually reminded me of Reese Witherspoon's character of Tracy Flick doing something similar in the movie Election. However, Veronica's joy is short-lived, as she then learns her dad was responsible for her getting in. There was a very amusing cut from her starting to curse, "SON OF A B--" to Mrs. Burble saying "Butterfinger?" as she offers Veronica one, since she's come to her to vent her animosity towards her dad. It basically boils down to her being pissed that now she'll never know whether she would've gotten into Harvard on her own merits or not, since he bought her way in (with a bottle of rum, of course). Mrs. Burble points out to her what everyone (including Veronica herself, it would seem) knows - that she is locked in a neverending battle with her dad that she needs to break away from. Much like Archie, it would appear that Veronica doesn't take the right message away from what the councilor is saying, as her 'solution' is to try to outdo Hiram at his own business - namely rum. She pretty much says, "My rum's gonna be BETTER than your rum, dad!" and walks out, then he realises what she's been drinking throughout their conversation is his first ever rum he produced (she drank ALL of it? How is she not stumbling out of there?). I was amused by the shot of the open glass case and his reaction of disbelief. Disappointingly, it appears Veronica's never going to be done with her dad. 



The last person to pay Mrs. Burble a visit is Jughead, after nasty old guy from the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness gives him a scolding for not only his tardiness but also not applying to colleges, saying if he wants a recommendation, he'll have to beg for one from his teachers at Riverdale High because no one else is going to give him one. Jughead's session with the councilor is about him being too focused on his mission to prove his granddad was the original writer of the book series he loves so much, and not paying enough attention to the fact that his dad has made it clear to him that his grandad was a mean drunk who treated Sheriff Jugdad horribly. Mrs. Burble points this out to Jughead and he realises he's been all about the 'principle' of the thing (ie. nasty old guy being a plagiarist of his granddad's work) more than anything else. He comes to the conclusion that he should direct his attention towards doing well in school and later gives his dad a good long hug, expressing his love and appreciation for him. Of course, then he does both - he catches up on his school work and also does some digging, finding out that all the members from the secret society that his granddad was in have died from suspicious 'accidents' and the only members left are his granddad and nasty old guy. He figures this means they were murdered (Betty suggests he get out of the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness ASPA, as clearly something sinister is going to happen to him if he's not careful. Smart Betty!).

Speaking of murder, the flashforward that ends this episode involves Archie, Betty and Veronica standing in a lineup with Bret and Donna from the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness IDing the trio as the ones they saw 'kill' Jughead. This whole fake-out of Jughead being 'dead' doesn't really interest me that much, since I know he won't be dead for really reals, but I have to hand it to this episode for managing to be one of the best so far this season (probably the best since the Season 4 premiere). Despite it just being the characters having conversations, it was still really interesting to watch (and actually quite satisfying, hearing them finally telling someone about all the stuff they've been through and are still going through). I tallied up how many 'successes' Mrs. Burble seemed to have: +1 for Betty's session, -1 for Archie's and Veronica's (since they didn't really seem to learn a valuable lesson from their sessions), +1 for Cheryl's...and I'm not really sure whether Jughead's would be deemed a 'success' or not since he did what the councilor said about catching up on schoolwork, but still hasn't given up his investigating. So, that means two 'wins', two 'fails' and one half/half. I guess for dealing with students as messed up as these ones are, Mrs. Burble did alright.

I watched these three episodes in a row, so my thoughts on each one have kind of blended together. I was pleasantly surprised that there was NO Jughead voiceover at the start of the first one. Hurrah! Though the first scene still features Jughead, as he's now scored the role of ghostwriter for the book series he loves so much, but before he accepts it, he has his (and Betty's) half-bro, Charles, locate where his granddad is at so he can find out the truth about the origin of the first book in the series and who really thought of it. After Charles has tracked him down, Jughead goes to visit his granddad and is greeted with a gun in his face. Then his granddad takes him at his word that he's his grandson and invites him in. He finds out that although his granddad wrote the original book, he didn't know what to do with it, so he sold the rights to nasty old guy and then after the books became a success, Jughead's grandad was kicking himself and taking out his bitterness on his son - Jughead's dad. So once Jughead's learned that nasty old guy got the rights to the books the legal way, he accepts being the next ghostwriter and even tries setting up a meeting between his dad (who got shot in one of Archie's storylines - which I'll get to later) and his grandad, though he doesn't show - thus proving everything Sheriff Jugdad said about him to be true. Jughead then gets an invite to join the 'Quill and Skull' secret society out in the middle of the woods, where he has to smash open a skull with a rock and inside he finds the most boring toy surprise ever - a tie pin. You get better surprises in boxes of cereal! And does this mean Jughead's now going to do Selma Blair's 'secret society dance' from Cruel Intentions?



Bret's ragging on Jughead's 'ancient' laptop, which he stupidly leaves unattended, he scores an interview with Yale, but is hesitant to accept it because that was Betty's dream college and she didn't get in, then he returns to find his old laptop has been replaced with a brand spanking new one thanks to him now being a member of the 'Quill and Skull' secret society who he has to participate in a game of 'Secrets and Sins' with, where they reveal their deepest/darkest secrets while holding a skull (I guess they must have a supply of them, since it's obviously not the same one Jughead smashed in the woods). Donna's secret is about her being 13 when her uncle made a pass at her, but she didn't say anything about it and instead started cutting herself, while Bret's secret is that when he was 14, his dad got him a hooker and forced him to get with her, saying it'd 'make him a man', but he just cried throughout and then didn't tell his dad because he feared he'd kill him. The other two...we don't even hear stories from, as they are of so little consequence. Instead, it's Jughead's turn to hold the skull and he tells the tale of how he used to be homeless and there was a guy called 'Doc' who kept the junkies away from him, but then one day some drunk business jerks beat the crap out of Doc and all young Jughead did was watch and not help him - that's his secret shame (which he apparently hasn't even told Betty about). Could've been worse, Jug. At least you don't secretly eat flowers.



That's^ not the only thing he's kept from Betty, though, as he also keeps the secret of him joining a secret society from her too, but she later finds out when Veronica's cover (she teamed up with Betty for an undercover mission to get confirmation Bret beat up Munroe in one of Archie's storylines) is blown by Jughead calling out her real name and he unknowingly outs himself as a member of the secret society to Betty who's listening in (as Veronica is wearing a wire). When Bughead next talk, Betty says how Jughead keeping secrets from her makes her feel, and this just adds to the fact that she didn't get into Yale, but later when nasty old guy tells Jughead to make his g/f stop writing an exposé that could 'ruin' the reputation of the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, Jughead stands up for Betty and says he won't censor her. They make up at the big football game, Bret gloats about Betty's exposé being 'killed' and she says she's not giving up. Winter has come and Jughead learns he got into Yale following his interview with them - which he tells Betty after they've had sex (maybe he thought that'd soften the blow of hearing this news, considering she didn't get in?) and she's all, "You got into Yale...yay.", clearly not over-the-moon about having missed out while her b/f got in. Jughead is then informed by nasty old guy that the board in charge of the book series he loves so much liked his first draft for the new book enough that they want to see him, but they want a new mystery involving serial killers. He asks Charles for help with that, and he gives him stuff on serial killers, but mentions Jughead could draw inspiration from the real life serial killer that was running around town - namely the Black Hood/Betty's dad - but Jughead refuses to use his g/f's real life family trauma for his book. However, later on none of the ideas he proposes seem to impress the board, so then nasty old guy butts in and essentially tells Jughead, "Use your g/f's real life family trauma, idiot!"...which he does. BAD Jughead!

Bret, shit-stirrer that he is, lets Betty know what Jughead's done (after she outs Bret as having only gotten into the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness because his dad bought his way in - info that she acquired thanks to Charles doing some digging. He seems to be doing a LOT of that during these three episodes), Bughead have a fight, she's angry at him and in the heat of the moment makes it clear that a part of her resents him getting into Yale when she didn't, he thinks that means she doesn't believe he deserved to get in, and I was already rolling my eyes at this being an excuse to break up 'Bughead', but thankfully they (again) make up, apologising to each other - and just as well, as Betty needs her b/f's support as she prepares to kick Bret's arse at a quiz show. Jughead introduces her to a recruiter from Yale who has come to watch her in action, she wins, but then thanks to her mum's meddling (more on that soon), she is accused of cheating and her chances at Yale don't look so good after that. It's all Bret's fault that she gets found out, so Jughead challenges him to a duel (as per the rules of their secret society). 

Backtracking a bit, Betty's storylines throughout these three episodes consist of her first finding out that Polly attacked a nurse at the place she's been staying at to get 'deprogrammed' (apparently they're doing a shit job of that). According to Alice, it was an unprovoked attack and Polly nearly cut the nurse's face off (I was SO glad that when Betty watched the video of the incident, we didn't have to actually see any of that - not that they would've been able to show such a thing on this series anyway, but even still...I appreciated them taking the same route as The Silence of the Lambs did when Clarice was shown a picture of one of Lecter's victims - ie. we don't see it, we just hear about it/see someone's reaction to it. The power of imagination is enough). Later, Alice answers a phone call at home and then is put into a trance-like state, where she casually grabs a knife from the kitchen and goes after Betty. Thankfully, Betty knows the trick to breaking a trance-like state is clicking her fingers (just as well that worked), which snaps Alice out of it and Betty puts two and two together, which leads her to dead Edgar's daughter/wife, Evelyn, who's in jail. She says she used a trigger word ('tangerine' - hence the episode's title) on both Polly and Alice, which has to be said three times to 'activate' them. It seems very convoluted when she explains to Betty that the trance makes them believe they're Betty...but then they're being made to kill the actual/real Betty who they believe is 'Dark Betty'. I was confused by this and thought they could've just left out the part about the ones in the trance 'becoming Betty' and made it much simpler that they're just being told to kill real Betty. Anyway, Betty tells Charles about all this, then they do something really stupid and he says the trigger word three times. Luckily, she doesn't grab something sharp and plunge it into herself. The working theory is because she's 'already Betty'. Still, seemed a risky move.

At one point Betty imagines herself approaching the red door of her home, she sees her child self about to kill her poor cat, Caramel, and then wakes from this vision. She tells Charles and theorises that she can put an end to all this if she offs the 'dark' part of herself which she believes began with her killing her poor cat. So, again Charles says the trigger word three times, Betty goes into a trance and takes the rock away from her child self before she has a chance to bash in her poor cat's skull, then tells her child self she can go 'play'. What I would've preferred (other than not having to see the poor near-dead cat AT ALL) would've been seeing Betty help her child self save her cat from being hit by a car to begin with. Sure, there's no going back and fixing it in real life, but since it was just 'visions' or whatever, it would've been nice to have seen a 'happy' ending where the cat lived. Instead, adult Betty keeping her child self from killing her cat just means that the poor animal continued to suffer or that adult Betty finished it off instead. In any case, I'm hoping this'll be the LAST TIME we have to revisit this horrible moment in Betty's life. After attending the Viking funeral for Cheryl's brother (more on that later), she attempts to check whether her 'dark' self is still with her by saying the trigger word three times whilst staring into the mirror. Her mum hears a crash, comes to investigate and Betty claims everything's fine/her 'dark' self is gone, though her mirror has been smashed. 

Betty's second storyline involves her finding out she hasn't gotten accepted to Yale and writing an exposé on the football team from the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness after they beat up/injure Munroe because they know he's the best member from Riverdale High's team and want to sabotage their chances of winning the game. Unfortunately, she has no luck getting real hard evidence of the sorts of dirty tactics that the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness team uses (even after interviewing their other victims). This is when she conspires with Veronica to go undercover and get Bret to brag about/admit he was responsible for what happened to Munroe. Veronica dons her trusty blonde wig and calls herself 'Monica' in an effort to trick Bret (since he hasn't seen her before), but thanks to Jughead being there/blabbing her real name, her cover's blown and she doesn't get the confession Betty needs. Consequently, Betty is only able to use quotes in her exposé and Mr. Honey is not satisfied with this, so he kills her article and that's what leads to Bret rubbing it in Betty's face after the football game. She then writes another article which manages to impress Mr. Honey and during her digging into the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness, she found they have a world-class quiz team (led by Bret) who always win the championships. Her plan is to put together her own quiz team and kick Bret's arse that way. Charles thinks part of the reason why she's so determined to beat Bret is because he, like Jughead, got into Yale whereas she didn't. She wants her half-bro to find out why that is and she later learns it's because of her dad having been the Black Hood.

She's super-pissed that even after he's died, her dad's still screwing up her life and goes to smash his gravestone (which hasn't been cleared of any of the graffiti we last saw on it back in the first episode of this season) with a sledgehammer. Alice was told by Charles and she runs to comfort her daughter. So this, along with seemingly everyone but her getting into Yale (plus the fact Jughead is using her dad's serial killerness for his books) explains why she kind of loses it. Adding to her problems is Alice providing her with a list of answers for the final quiz show, which Betty doesn't want nor uses, but she makes the fatal mistake of only tearing the list up and throwing the pieces in the trash instead of burning them to ash or putting them somewhere they'll never be found. Naturally, Bret finds them and after Betty's almost single-handedly won the championship (while Choni were wondering what is even the point of them being on the team since Betty's doing all the answering, I loved Veronica's words of encouragement to Betty in regards to Bret: "It's all yours, B. Destroy that pleated khaki trash monster."), he's pieced the answer sheet back together and Mr. Honey is calling Betty to his office. Despite her claims of not having used the cheat sheet, there's of course nothing to actually prove that she didn't use it. As a result, she gets suspended, her team's win is overturned and the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness are now the winners (yet again). Finding out Bret was behind this is what leads to Jughead challenging him to a duel. In the flashforwards we learn that Betty seemingly killed Jughead, possibly in a hypnotised state, and she's not dealing well with that (obviously). Archie comforts her in Pop's diner.

Speaking of Archie, his storylines in these three episodes involve him wanting to get revenge on The Dicks (after he teams up with Jughead's dad to go beat their arses and Sheriff Jugdad winds up shot as a result, so then Archie goes and pummels Dodger to near-death, telling him and his mum to "Duh, stay out of Riverdale!" otherwise he'll kill them - and all of this is witnessed by the kids at the community centre, so that makes Archie feel guilty and think of himself as a 'monster' which is complete BS, since he's done every single thing he can to help them), then wanting to get revenge on the football team from the Clearly Sinister School of Pretentiousness for injuring Munroe, and lastly he is dealing with his dad's brother, Frank, who turns up (what is it with all these relatives of the main characters suddenly appearing in Riverdale? If they knew the town at all, they'd stay well clear of it) and causes some trouble, getting into arguments and fights with Kevin's dad, but claims to only want to 'help' Archie and Fred's work crew - though he achieves this by gambling and wanting to get involved with Veronica's dad, which Archie says 'no' to. He also gives drugs to Munroe to help him fight off the pain of his injury so he can play in the football game, even though Archie said 'no' to that too. Archie's mum knows Frank isn't the best guy for Archie to have around, and Kevin's dad says basically the same thing, but Archie keeps giving his uncle chance after chance. I was amused when the subject of boxing came up and his uncle asked him if he boxed, as my first thought was, "That was so last season. I'm sure this season Archie will have several new hobbies that he'll stick with for a little while, then move on from." (I was also amused when Archie mentioned that he once boxed a bear and I thought, "You liar, Archie! That bear beat your arse before you even knew what hit you!"). Archie comforting Betty in the diner during the flashforward suggests the possibility that they may 'go there', but it'd be a really weird thing for Betty to move onto Archie after Jughead has supposedly 'died' (though they hinted something would eventually happen with 'Barchie' from the very first episode of the show). All of Archie's storylines were, as usual, pretty snooze-worthy.

Veronica's weren't much better, as she clearly didn't learn anything from the school councilor and is stuck in a neverending cycle of her vs. her dad (poor Marisol Nichols seems to have hardly been featured this season, so I can understand her wanting to step down from being a 'regular' on the show in the next season since she's hardly even getting the screentime of one as it is). Veronica wants to make her own rum, she talks to her dad's mum who gives her the secret family recipe (and gives her son a well-deserved slap for being such a crap dad to his daughter), but after Veronica makes her new rum (with added spices to make it 'different'), Hiram has it analysed and it appears it's not 'different' enough, so that's the end of that plan...or is it? Before getting a new idea for rum, she is Betty's undercover agent in getting Bret to incriminate himself in the attack on Munroe (but, of course, fails thanks to Jughead). She also gives a performance at her speakeasy, but a recruiter from Columbia (which was Veronica's second choice, after having found out her dad bought her way into Harvard and thus didn't wish to go there anymore) has been brought there by Hiram and it appears as if her finding out Veronica has a speakeasy where she performs might hurt her chances of being accepted (though the recruiter doesn't necessarily think that's true). The song that Veronica sings - 'Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)' - is intercut with Archie beating Dodger to a bloody pulp (because, yes, they're just that obvious with their song choices on this show). 



At the football game, where Munroe manages to play despite his injury (thanks to the drugs Archie's uncle gives him), Veronica has a lick from Cheryl's maple snowcone (not a euphemism) and this gives her a brilliant idea for a new flavour of rum - mixing it with maple syrup (of course! Though considering how obsessed with maple syrup Riverdale is, it's amazing no one else has thought of this beforehand). So she teams up with Cheryl and together they make their maple rum, though they're not allowed to sell it at the speakeasy (thanks to Hiram), but keep it there - that is until Hiram screws it up for them and leads a raid of the place, then proceeds to smash all their rum bottles (what a bastard) as all Veronica and Cheryl can do is watch. 





Since it becomes clear that Hiram's just going to keep doing this, Cheryl has the bright idea to keep their rum elsewhere and that leads to them using her mum's old brothel as a place to do their rum business. They make it into a gentlemen's club and even have Penelope working there (albeit wearing a mask to hide her identity from the customers) and Hiram's free to raid the speakeasy all he wants, but he's not going to find their rum there. It was good to see Veronica and Cheryl paired up, as I can't remember the last time they were any sort of 'team'. Though enlisting Penelope to be the full-time live-in manager at her old brothel seems a bit sketchy. Then again, Cheryl's been keeping her locked up in dead Dilton's bunker after she discovered her mum was the one who'd been gaslighting her with the creepy doll and such - and the way Cheryl discovers this is equal parts crazy/funny/awesome, as she appears to be gassing herself to death, holding the hands of her brother's rotting corpse and the doll supposedly possessed by the spirit of her other brother who she consumed in the womb, which flushes out Penelope from her hiding spot and it's revealed Cheryl's wearing a gas mask and it was all an elaborate ruse!



Cheryl then proceeds to put her mum on trial for the various crimes she's committed (it was nice of Cheryl to remember her mum tried to kill the core four as well as the fact that she actually succeeded in killing Betty's dad in last season's final, listing those among her mum's crimes along with killing her dad and uncle). As for why she did all this to Cheryl? She's jealous that she's been spending time with Jason's rotting corpse and talking to him like he's alive...or something to that effect. Anyway, instead of turning her over to the police or just outright offing her, Cheryl locks her up in dead Dilton's bunker and leaves her there to think about what she's done, I guess (though she doesn't remain in there very long). While it was nice for the core four to join Cheryl and Toni at the Viking funeral for Jason's rotting corpse (that strangely never appeared to actually rot that much), being there to support her as she set it alight and said her teary goodbyes to her long-dead brother, I did wonder if any of them were thinking, "WTF? Cheryl's been hanging onto her brother's rotting corpse all this time? How did we not know this??". I also wondered what anyone who stumbled upon that flaming boat would think, but at least now that storyline is finally over with and Jason's well and truly gone. As usual, Madelaine Petsch did an excellent job of portraying Cheryl's grief over the loss of her brother and having to finally say goodbye to him.



In the next episode, Cheryl had to deal with her cheerleaders having a new coach in the form of Ms. Appleyard (which reminded me of Natalie Dormer's character with the same last name from the TV mini-series Picnic at Hanging Rock). She doesn't make a good first impression on Cheryl, though, after stating that the cheerleaders will now be focusing on cheers instead of sexy dancing to pop songs (that's crazy!). I was amused by Cheryl's reaction/response after Ms. Appleyard suggested she spend a little less time baking muffins and a little more time in the weight room.



Cheryl manages to convince the other cheerleaders to go on strike and tells Mr. Honey about it, but then later they've changed their tune and want to follow Ms. Appleyard. While it would've been reasonable to assume that they got sick of Cheryl referring to them as 'bitches' and whatnot, it's actually because of Mr. Honey saying they're banned from senior prom if they don't do what they're supposed to. Cheryl's solution? Lock Ms. Appleyard up so she can't come lead the cheer squad, which allows Cheryl to take over and they dance sexily/cheer to the song 'Cherry Bomb' (sadly, I don't think any use of this song will ever outdo how it was so fittingly used at the end of one episode in the first season of The Boys. That was just perfect. Still, they give a fine performance).




By the following episode, Penelope's already being released from what Cheryl amusingly describes as "that petri dish of a teen sex bunker" so she can now work for her daughter and Veronica at what was once her brothel and is now a gentlemen's club. Damn it, she deserved to be imprisoned for longer than that! Anyway, I think that^ about covers all the main characters’ storylines from these three episodes of the show. Oh, I almost forgot about Kevin and him getting involved with making ‘tickle porn’ videos...actually, I wish I could forget about it, as that’s probably the MOST ridiculous thing this show has ever had (and that's including a crazy cult leader wanting to fly off in his rocket ship).