Post by xystophoros on Mar 4, 2018 21:35:39 GMT
What is it gonna take for the world to realize JJ Abrams sucks balls and it’s not a good idea to hand the keys to every science fiction franchise over to him, much less look to him for good horror scripts?
The Cloverfield Paradox is one of those movies that’s so awful, so insultingly stupid that you wonder how the hell it ever got a greenlight, how people actually invested money in bringing a script like that to life.
Hey, the world's out of energy for some unexplained reason, let’s build a particle collider in low earth orbit because...uh...because crazies used to think particle colliders could rip apart spacetime? Except we have a particle collider and we’ve used it and it does no such thing. Oh, and it doesn’t provide energy, it uses it. And forget the energy cost of building a structure that’s 50+ miles of metal, and brute forcing it into low Earth orbit, which is something we cannot actually do.
Anyway, here comes the explosion...mystery box! Where did the Earth go? What are those strange noises coming from the wall? How the hell did some woman just appear in the wall and how does she know the crew? Mystery box! Hey, what happened to that one dude’s arm? How did it just disappear into a wall? Mystery box!
And why the fuck is Zhang Ziyi, one of the least-convincing actresses alive, speaking Mandarin while the rest of the crew is speaking English? Mystery box!
How does a piece of hardware that looks like a futuristic “Simon Says” toy power a particle collider, and if that technology exists why do we have an energy crisis in the first place? Mystery box!
At this point JJ Abrams could take a steaming shit and film it, and people would laud him as a great filmmaker...and he knows it.
The Cloverfield Paradox is one of those movies that’s so awful, so insultingly stupid that you wonder how the hell it ever got a greenlight, how people actually invested money in bringing a script like that to life.
Hey, the world's out of energy for some unexplained reason, let’s build a particle collider in low earth orbit because...uh...because crazies used to think particle colliders could rip apart spacetime? Except we have a particle collider and we’ve used it and it does no such thing. Oh, and it doesn’t provide energy, it uses it. And forget the energy cost of building a structure that’s 50+ miles of metal, and brute forcing it into low Earth orbit, which is something we cannot actually do.
Anyway, here comes the explosion...mystery box! Where did the Earth go? What are those strange noises coming from the wall? How the hell did some woman just appear in the wall and how does she know the crew? Mystery box! Hey, what happened to that one dude’s arm? How did it just disappear into a wall? Mystery box!
And why the fuck is Zhang Ziyi, one of the least-convincing actresses alive, speaking Mandarin while the rest of the crew is speaking English? Mystery box!
How does a piece of hardware that looks like a futuristic “Simon Says” toy power a particle collider, and if that technology exists why do we have an energy crisis in the first place? Mystery box!
At this point JJ Abrams could take a steaming shit and film it, and people would laud him as a great filmmaker...and he knows it.
