Ed Woodward's house attacked!

There is so much stuff to be righteously angry about these days. That thing someone somewhere said online that doesn’t exactly chime with your worldview. The colour of your passport that the evil EU has always allowed us to change if we could be bothered. Or the disdainful manner with which big clubs like Liverpool treat the FA Cup, while lower-league purists like Brentford make eight changes in order to prepare for a do-or-die clash with Nottingham Forest that if, say, they lost 1-0, would leave them in fifth place in the Championship, exactly where they were when they started. Ooh, the sheer arrogance of that Klopp/EU mandarin/guy on internet forum. Fume! 

But just imagine supporting a club that hasn’t won a major European trophy for 979 days, is one match away from the Milk Cup final, is still in with a shout of winning both the FA Cup and Big Vase and is suffering such a bad season they’ve plummeted as low as fifth in the Premier League, a competition they’ve won 13 times in its first 27 seasons? Yes, we’d be parping hot steam from both lugs too. Though whether The Fiver would go so far as the “large group” of Manchester United fans who popped round Ed Woodward’s house and hoyed a flare over his gate while chanting he’s “going to die” is another matter altogether. For a start, we’d already changed into our jim-jams and made a nice mug of Horlicks. Nah, not going out.

Setting aside the fairly clear moral boundaries of this story, the timing of the attack seems a little odd to The Fiver. For a start, in Bruno Fernandes they’re extremely close to signing their first decent midfielder since Roy Keane left for the pundit’s chair on MUTV all those years ago, while Woodward seems to have got shot of Marcos Rojo, bound for Estudiantes, which has surely got to count for something. Then later on, it’s quite feasible that Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s side could win at Manchester City like they did last month, force a penalty shootout, and make their first domestic cup final since the sepia-toned misty memories of May 2018. Because when all’s said and done, it’s a Manchester derby and City are still City.

Having said all that, there’s also a chance that City could run up a cricket score, like they threatened to do at Old Trafford in the first leg. In which case we advise fuming United fans to go straight home, change into their favourite onesies, and stay in for the rest of the night. Read about Brexit, log on to Twitter, do anything that’ll keep yourself relatively calm.

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