Post by senan90 on Nov 9, 2020 23:10:57 GMT
Here's a select list of amusing online reviews of music and film:
The Tammys - Egyptian Shumba
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10 minutes ago, I was having one of the shittiest nights of my life.
9 minutes ago, I heard "Egyptian Shumba" for the first time.
Apology accepted, universe.
50 Cent – Before I Self Destruct
“Dude's a fucking billionaire and his album cover looks like a 9th grade photo-shop project”.
“Dude's a fucking billionaire and his album cover looks like a 9th grade photo-shop project”.
Andrew WK – I Get Wet
“Before I start listening to this album, I always ask myself, "What time is it?"
“Before I start listening to this album, I always ask myself, "What time is it?"
Kenny G - The Box Set Series
“What a waste of boxes”.
“What a waste of boxes”.
Soulja Boy - Souljaboytellem.com
“He made this with a DEMO. He didn't even buy the program, he used the demo version.”
“He made this with a DEMO. He didn't even buy the program, he used the demo version.”
Ernest Goes to Africa
“White trash comedian goes on a whacky wild rump in the exoticized 'Other''s cartoonishly fabricated landscape.
And Africa Will Never Be the Same!
oh god there's so much wrong just with the poster's tagline.
"
“White trash comedian goes on a whacky wild rump in the exoticized 'Other''s cartoonishly fabricated landscape.
And Africa Will Never Be the Same!
oh god there's so much wrong just with the poster's tagline.
"
She’s All That
"fun fact: if you take out every cruel and hateful frame from this movie you will be left with a single still frame of Macaulay Culkin's brother wearing tastelessly oversized shorts
"
"fun fact: if you take out every cruel and hateful frame from this movie you will be left with a single still frame of Macaulay Culkin's brother wearing tastelessly oversized shorts
"
Fred The Movie
"Remember that golden ticket thing from the Last Action Hero?
I wish I had that, so I could go into this movie and blow Fred's head clean off.
"
"Remember that golden ticket thing from the Last Action Hero?
I wish I had that, so I could go into this movie and blow Fred's head clean off.
"
Jim Post – I Love My Life
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“Is that a dead rat taped above his upper lip?”
“Is that a dead rat taped above his upper lip?”
Boys Beware 1961 – Anti Gay Propaganda film
"The only abnormal thing in this film is the guy playing basketball with a suit
".
"The only abnormal thing in this film is the guy playing basketball with a suit
".
Barney's Favorites, Vol. 1
Alright kids, I know Barney seems sweet and innocent to you now, but don't be fooled by his straight laced, positive image. You haven't seen what I've seen. I used to be one of Barney's 'friends'. I was so excited to act with Barney, and when taping was over a stage hand informed me that Barney wanted to see me backstage. At first I was thrilled that I'd get to meet the big man himself, face to face, but I was quickly horrified at the corruption and decadence polluting Barney's off-camera life. There was Barney, doing lines off a girl's ass, while two of the children I'd just performed alongside sexually serviced his enormous dinosaur genitals. I should have run away, but Barney made me many lavish promises, and being a naive elementary school student I believed him. I ran away from home and became his personal ho, and in return he provided me with anything I could desire... food, money, shelter, meth, but mostly fame, which by then had hooked me worse than any drug. Eventually, around age 12, I became too old to appear on the show and Barney was no longer interested in my developing body, so the scraps were thrown to BJ, who made no attempt to hide his sadistic tendencies. I still have some of the scars he left me. I longed to leave, but they didn't bother to lock me up... they knew I had nowhere else to go, and they were the only ones who could support my pricey drug habits. Eventually me and Baby Bop escaped together and checked into rehab. BJ sent some of his boys after us but we held them off with some guns we managed to smuggle out of Barney's largest munitions silo. We checked out of rehab alive but we knew we'd never be safe. Some guys caught up with Baby Bop, she's dead now, and I know its just a matter of time before they find me too. No one escapes, that's what Barney and BJ always told me. Anyways decent songs I give it a 3.5
Alright kids, I know Barney seems sweet and innocent to you now, but don't be fooled by his straight laced, positive image. You haven't seen what I've seen. I used to be one of Barney's 'friends'. I was so excited to act with Barney, and when taping was over a stage hand informed me that Barney wanted to see me backstage. At first I was thrilled that I'd get to meet the big man himself, face to face, but I was quickly horrified at the corruption and decadence polluting Barney's off-camera life. There was Barney, doing lines off a girl's ass, while two of the children I'd just performed alongside sexually serviced his enormous dinosaur genitals. I should have run away, but Barney made me many lavish promises, and being a naive elementary school student I believed him. I ran away from home and became his personal ho, and in return he provided me with anything I could desire... food, money, shelter, meth, but mostly fame, which by then had hooked me worse than any drug. Eventually, around age 12, I became too old to appear on the show and Barney was no longer interested in my developing body, so the scraps were thrown to BJ, who made no attempt to hide his sadistic tendencies. I still have some of the scars he left me. I longed to leave, but they didn't bother to lock me up... they knew I had nowhere else to go, and they were the only ones who could support my pricey drug habits. Eventually me and Baby Bop escaped together and checked into rehab. BJ sent some of his boys after us but we held them off with some guns we managed to smuggle out of Barney's largest munitions silo. We checked out of rehab alive but we knew we'd never be safe. Some guys caught up with Baby Bop, she's dead now, and I know its just a matter of time before they find me too. No one escapes, that's what Barney and BJ always told me. Anyways decent songs I give it a 3.5
Taylor Swift – U Need to Calm Down
"Taylor Swift publicly takes a brave stand in favor of LGBT rights in uh... *checks calendar* ...2019.
"
"Taylor Swift publicly takes a brave stand in favor of LGBT rights in uh... *checks calendar* ...2019.
"
Justin Bieber – My Worlds
“Quick.
Launch weapons of mass destruction at these worlds.”
“Quick.
Launch weapons of mass destruction at these worlds.”
AC/DC – Back in Black
"Only a bunch of lugheads like AC/DC would write a song called Have a Drink on Me barely a year after their former singer died because of booze.
Thats like New Order calling their first ever song Hang Wire
."
"Only a bunch of lugheads like AC/DC would write a song called Have a Drink on Me barely a year after their former singer died because of booze.
Thats like New Order calling their first ever song Hang Wire
."
Sonic Youth Live At The Continental Club 1986
‘Left me Thurston for Moore.
"
‘Left me Thurston for Moore.
"
Neal McCoy – Take a Knee, My Ass
“If he doesn’t want to take a knee then why is his name Kneal?”
“If he doesn’t want to take a knee then why is his name Kneal?”
Tom MacDonald – If I was Black
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“The cover art looks like a charge syndrome patient.”
“The cover art looks like a charge syndrome patient.”
The Tammys - Egyptian Shumba
10 minutes ago, I was having one of the shittiest nights of my life.
9 minutes ago, I heard "Egyptian Shumba" for the first time.
Apology accepted, universe.
R Kelly – I Admit
“Across 19 minutes and 8 verses, Mr. Kelly admits to absolutely nothing and manages to both completely disgust me and bore me.”
“Across 19 minutes and 8 verses, Mr. Kelly admits to absolutely nothing and manages to both completely disgust me and bore me.”
The Beach Boys – Summer in Paradise (1992)
"This is it: the album bold enough to aim for a level of downright shittiness that Keepin' the Summer Alive couldn't even muster. While that wreck hid its ineptitude next to past glories, Summer in Paradise makes no such attempt. This is Mike and His Beach Boys in all their glory--The Master's idea of what the group is all about. Rank covers, putrid surfing cash-ins, and John Stamos spitting on Dennis' grave so thoroughly it makes you wonder if anybody even misses him.
If you're feeling particularly masochistic, check out Grandpa Love picking some hotties on "Summer of Love"; it's grotesque enough to make you swear off music itself for a few days. Apparently it was supposed to be a duet with illustrious singer Bart Simpson, something so disastrous as to be beyond comprehension.
I'll defend his worth on the many occasions it's warranted, but if Mike ever wonders why he's the recipient of so much ire from Beach Boys fans, he's either completely oblivious or more conniving than any mortal can imagine. Or just stupid beyond reproach.
"
"This is it: the album bold enough to aim for a level of downright shittiness that Keepin' the Summer Alive couldn't even muster. While that wreck hid its ineptitude next to past glories, Summer in Paradise makes no such attempt. This is Mike and His Beach Boys in all their glory--The Master's idea of what the group is all about. Rank covers, putrid surfing cash-ins, and John Stamos spitting on Dennis' grave so thoroughly it makes you wonder if anybody even misses him.
If you're feeling particularly masochistic, check out Grandpa Love picking some hotties on "Summer of Love"; it's grotesque enough to make you swear off music itself for a few days. Apparently it was supposed to be a duet with illustrious singer Bart Simpson, something so disastrous as to be beyond comprehension.
I'll defend his worth on the many occasions it's warranted, but if Mike ever wonders why he's the recipient of so much ire from Beach Boys fans, he's either completely oblivious or more conniving than any mortal can imagine. Or just stupid beyond reproach.
"
John Wayne - America, Why I Love Her
"Every once in a while everybody needs a dose of good ol' American patriotism. It's a natural fact. Well, when you've got yourself a hankerin' for pledging allegiance to the flag, John Wayne made the perfect album for you: America, Why I Love Her.
God bless him.
The Duke doesn't just give you the pledge of allegiance to recite, though, this is a long play album after all. What you get here is thirty-five minutes of patriotic poems put to music. Really swell music, too. You've got your Sousa-style marches and "America the Beautiful" choruses. You've got drums and horns and strings. You've got "Taps" to finish it off. You can't be patriotic without remembering the fallen, right?
OK, I've struck a nerve, even with my own snide self. John Wayne means well, but lord love a duck this record is corny, and good intentions and earnest emotions aside, ending with "Taps" is just plain cheesy.
The centerpiece of the album is quite clearly the pledge of allegiance. For those of you who didn't attend grade school in the good old U.S. of A., the pledge is recited by school children in classrooms all over the country and it goes a little like this:
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands.
One nation, under God,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
It was written by Francis Bellamy in 1892. The under God part was inserted in 1954 and has been a bone of contention ever since (it's that old "separation of church and state" thing). Note that the word 'equality' is nowhere to be found in the pledge. The word was intentionally excluded by the author, not because Bellamy didn't believe in it but because he knew most of the nation in 1892 didn't, and he felt they wouldn't accept his pledge with it (as to who 'they' were, I leave that as an exercise for the reader to uncover). Now, as you can imagine, nobody but nobody can recite the pledge of allegiance like our man John Wayne. He brings it home with power and conviction, aided by drum rolls and an orchestra. Then he explains what the pledge means to him, backed by the orchestra and chorus, of course. Who wouldn't want to listen to that?
.
.
.
Um, alrighty then."
"Every once in a while everybody needs a dose of good ol' American patriotism. It's a natural fact. Well, when you've got yourself a hankerin' for pledging allegiance to the flag, John Wayne made the perfect album for you: America, Why I Love Her.
God bless him.
The Duke doesn't just give you the pledge of allegiance to recite, though, this is a long play album after all. What you get here is thirty-five minutes of patriotic poems put to music. Really swell music, too. You've got your Sousa-style marches and "America the Beautiful" choruses. You've got drums and horns and strings. You've got "Taps" to finish it off. You can't be patriotic without remembering the fallen, right?
OK, I've struck a nerve, even with my own snide self. John Wayne means well, but lord love a duck this record is corny, and good intentions and earnest emotions aside, ending with "Taps" is just plain cheesy.
The centerpiece of the album is quite clearly the pledge of allegiance. For those of you who didn't attend grade school in the good old U.S. of A., the pledge is recited by school children in classrooms all over the country and it goes a little like this:
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands.
One nation, under God,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
It was written by Francis Bellamy in 1892. The under God part was inserted in 1954 and has been a bone of contention ever since (it's that old "separation of church and state" thing). Note that the word 'equality' is nowhere to be found in the pledge. The word was intentionally excluded by the author, not because Bellamy didn't believe in it but because he knew most of the nation in 1892 didn't, and he felt they wouldn't accept his pledge with it (as to who 'they' were, I leave that as an exercise for the reader to uncover). Now, as you can imagine, nobody but nobody can recite the pledge of allegiance like our man John Wayne. He brings it home with power and conviction, aided by drum rolls and an orchestra. Then he explains what the pledge means to him, backed by the orchestra and chorus, of course. Who wouldn't want to listen to that?
.
.
.
Um, alrighty then."
Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine
"Don't worry Ronnie, there's no socialism in Hell"
"Don't worry Ronnie, there's no socialism in Hell"
Big Bear – Doin Thangs
“I love the cover art so much that I can never listen to the music for fear it would tarnish my perfect image of it.
That, by default, makes this hands-down the greatest album of all-time because it is and always will be considered flawless. Infinity stars forever.”
“I love the cover art so much that I can never listen to the music for fear it would tarnish my perfect image of it.
That, by default, makes this hands-down the greatest album of all-time because it is and always will be considered flawless. Infinity stars forever.”
