|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 15:35:37 GMT
She recently lost her life partner; I was there for her grief
heart and soul until exhaustion
Now (not much later) she's completely lost in an online relationship.
She's met him once so it's not a total fantasy, but she's completely disregarding
friends and family to be with him online 24/7. (He lives in another country)
I'm very conflicted. Partly I'm angry, how much did she love her partner?
Partly I think as her good friend I should throw a bucket of realism on her,
but what if he really is her happiness, what if I'm just jealous?
What would you do, if anything?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
@Deleted
Posts: 0
Likes:
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2021 16:18:45 GMT
"how much did she love her partner?"
DO NOT say that to her...that'd be very rude.
How'd they meet...I don't necessarily see anything wrong with all this
|
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 16:31:24 GMT
"how much did she love her partner?" DO NOT say that to her...that'd be very rude. How'd they meet...I don't necessarily see anything wrong with all this lol, no I wouldn't say that Something I forgot, she's over 20 years he's senior. that's why I think she needs a reality check. but even so, I think there's nothing I can really say, and maybe you're right, there's nothing really wrong with it. just let it run it's course,,,, *shrugs*
|
|
|
|
Post by Nora on Nov 14, 2021 17:10:35 GMT
"how much did she love her partner?" DO NOT say that to her...that'd be very rude. How'd they meet...I don't necessarily see anything wrong with all this lol, no I wouldn't say that Something I forgot, she's over 20 years he's senior. that's why I think she needs a reality check. but even so, I think there's nothing I can really say, and maybe you're right, there's nothing really wrong with it. just let it run it's course,,,, *shrugs* well I would want to make sure the 20years younger guy is in it for the right reasons. Do you feel like he is? What is he getting from an online relationship with a 20 y of senior to him? Do you know? So I would be primarily worried about that. which country is he from? |
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 17:37:35 GMT
lol, no I wouldn't say that Something I forgot, she's over 20 years he's senior. that's why I think she needs a reality check. but even so, I think there's nothing I can really say, and maybe you're right, there's nothing really wrong with it. just let it run it's course,,,, *shrugs* well I would want to make sure the 20years younger guy is in it for the right reasons. Do you feel like he is? What is he getting from an online relationship with a 20 y of senior to him? Do you know? So I would be primarily worried about that. which country is he from? He lost his mother recently. It seems like he's looking for a new mom, I guess he finds comfort in her. He's American, we're Canadian so not totally unrealistic in that sense. I guess she finds relief from grief in him and is flattered of course. I don't want to tell her that either (Mom) lol. But she's completely 'gone'. We were going to make plans to get together but she's been leaving me on the hook for days. I feel hurt. I want to shake her, she's letting everyone get mad at her, including her son who's older than him. (her family doesn't know, it's just that she's ignoring them)
|
|
|
|
Post by Spitfire926f on Nov 14, 2021 19:27:32 GMT
"how much did she love her partner?" DO NOT say that to her...that'd be very rude. How'd they meet...I don't necessarily see anything wrong with all this lol, no I wouldn't say that Something I forgot, she's over 20 years he's senior. that's why I think she needs a reality check. but even so, I think there's nothing I can really say, and maybe you're right, there's nothing really wrong with it. just let it run it's course,,,, *shrugs* People who are the happiest married tend to be the ones who remarry the fastest after they lose a spouse, just FYI. Marriage was a positive experience for them. I don't think there is anything wrong with addressing your concerns with your friend as long as it is coming from a place of love and concern. The internet guy is probably filling a void in a safe way. She's getting lost in the fantasy. It happens to the best of us. |
|
|
|
Post by divtal on Nov 14, 2021 19:41:16 GMT
She recently lost her life partner; I was there for her grief heart and soul until exhaustion Now (not much later) she's completely lost in an online relationship. She's met him once so it's not a total fantasy, but she's completely disregarding friends and family to be with him online 24/7. (He lives in another country) I'm very conflicted. Partly I'm angry, how much did she love her partner? Partly I think as her good friend I should throw a bucket of realism on her, but what if he really is her happiness, what if I'm just jealous? What would you do, if anything? You say that you were there for her ... "until exhaustion." I take that to mean your exhaustion. Could it be that she tends to "latch" on to a person in a "needy" way, and this man is equally "latchey?" (Spellcheck didn't like that, but you know what I mean.  ) Maybe, she held on to all of the support that you provided, and turned to this online relationship, after sensing your tiring of it. Also, was she unusually emotionally dependent on the partner? Depending on how long you've been friends, and other considerations in the friendship, I think you could speak for yourself, to tell her nicely, that you'd like to resume activities with her. And, you hope that she would be able to get together, soon. I wouldn't speak for any other friends, or family members. That could be construed as laying a guilt-trip on her. However, if you are communicating with other friends/family, you might suggest that each of them approach her individually. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 20:24:50 GMT
lol, no I wouldn't say that Something I forgot, she's over 20 years he's senior. that's why I think she needs a reality check. but even so, I think there's nothing I can really say, and maybe you're right, there's nothing really wrong with it. just let it run it's course,,,, *shrugs* People who are the happiest married tend to be the ones who remarry the fastest after they lose a spouse, just FYI. Marriage was a positive experience for them. I don't think there is anything wrong with addressing your concerns with your friend as long as it is coming from a place of love and concern. The internet guy is probably filling a void in a safe way. She's getting lost in the fantasy. It happens to the best of us. Hi spitfire I didn't know that people in happy marriages tend to remarry quickly. Interesting. I've heard of the rebound of course. {coming from a place of love and concern} I'll keep that in mind, thanks. I won't say anything right now because right now I'm pissed at her.  You're right about fantasies happening to the best of us. Who doesn't want to get lost in a fantasy? I wish it could be forever
|
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 20:38:59 GMT
She recently lost her life partner; I was there for her grief heart and soul until exhaustion Now (not much later) she's completely lost in an online relationship. She's met him once so it's not a total fantasy, but she's completely disregarding friends and family to be with him online 24/7. (He lives in another country) I'm very conflicted. Partly I'm angry, how much did she love her partner? Partly I think as her good friend I should throw a bucket of realism on her, but what if he really is her happiness, what if I'm just jealous? What would you do, if anything? You say that you were there for her ... "until exhaustion." I take that to mean your exhaustion. Could it be that she tends to "latch" on to a person in a "needy" way, and this man is equally "latchey?" (Spellcheck didn't like that, but you know what I mean. ) Maybe, she held on to all of the support that you provided, and turned to this online relationship, after sensing your tiring of it. Also, was she unusually emotionally dependent on the partner? Depending on how long you've been friends, and other considerations in the friendship, I think you could speak for yourself, to tell her nicely, that you'd like to resume activities with her. And, you hope that she would be able to get together, soon. I wouldn't speak for any other friends, or family members. That could be construed as laying a guilt-trip on her. However, if you are communicating with other friends/family, you might suggest that each of them approach her individually. Good luck. Thanks divtal : Interesting questions. She is certainly needy now, and maybe he is too. And it's true, people tend to abandon someone in grief after a certain amount of time, and then you're on your own. Some of those steps you have to take alone and I think that's what she's trying to avoid. I'll let the other friends and family deal with it in their own way, I'm having enough trouble with my part. But yes, you're the second person that said go ahead if it's with kindness. Thanks so much!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
@Deleted
Posts: 0
Likes:
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2021 20:48:09 GMT
People who are the happiest married tend to be the ones who remarry the fastest after they lose a spouse, just FYI. Marriage was a positive experience for them. I don't think there is anything wrong with addressing your concerns with your friend as long as it is coming from a place of love and concern. The internet guy is probably filling a void in a safe way. She's getting lost in the fantasy. It happens to the best of us. Hi spitfire I didn't know that people in happy marriages tend to remarry quickly. Interesting. I've heard of the rebound of course. {coming from a place of love and concern} I'll keep that in mind, thanks. I won't say anything right now because right now I'm pissed at her. You're right about fantasies happening to the best of us. Who doesn't want to get lost in a fantasy? I wish it could be forever One of my wife's old friends from high school lost her husband and re-married quite quickly. From what I can tell they are happy... I know when they first got together some people judged her for getting into another relationship so quickly... The thing is, unless you can tell this is an abusive relationship of sorts...or he is taking advantage of her..sth genuinely concerning you probably should stay out of it. People often do get absorbed in a new relationship, that's not too odd. You could ask her to make time for you bc you genuinely want to see her. But idk if it indicates sth bad in the relationship. Very hard to judge someone else's relationship...they dont owe it to you to explain the connection they have. I know from experience, hearing, "I dont see why you are with her blahblahblah" does really sting. Nobody has to justify a relationship to you. The connection can be very personal to them. Also...people get defensive when you question their partners like this. It could make your problem worse, she could pull away more who knows. |
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 21:43:07 GMT
Hi spitfire I didn't know that people in happy marriages tend to remarry quickly. Interesting. I've heard of the rebound of course. {coming from a place of love and concern} I'll keep that in mind, thanks. I won't say anything right now because right now I'm pissed at her. You're right about fantasies happening to the best of us. Who doesn't want to get lost in a fantasy? I wish it could be foreverOne of my wife's old friends from high school lost her husband and re-married quite quickly. From what I can tell they are happy... I know when they first got together some people judged her for getting into another relationship so quickly... The thing is, unless you can tell this is an abusive relationship of sorts...or he is taking advantage of her..sth genuinely concerning you probably should stay out of it. People often do get absorbed in a new relationship, that's not too odd. You could ask her to make time for you bc you genuinely want to see her. But idk if it indicates sth bad in the relationship. Very hard to judge someone else's relationship...they dont owe it to you to explain the connection they have. I know from experience, hearing, "I dont see why you are with her blahblahblah" does really sting. Nobody has to justify a relationship to you. The connection can be very personal to them. Also...people get defensive when you question their partners like this. It could make your problem worse, she could pull away more who knows. Thanks again langdona. I agree that it's 'normal' to become absorbed in a new relationship. It's new and exciting and you're head over heels and and and. But back in the day if you were starting a new relationship you would call and make a date, but you had time for the other parts of your life (ok, maybe you would talk on the phone for hours lol) but facetime is ALL consuming, it's like she's jumped off a building. Ultimately I agree, it's her business, she'll only resent me if I say nay. (she's not 14) I've already experienced the defensiveness and had to backpedal. I guess I'm grappling right now with losing the friendship we had, feeling resentful, is an intervention my place? and yes, I've asked myself if I'm jealous. It's like they say, you learn the most about yourself from enemies or in this case when you're having friendship trouble. But writing this stuff has helped, thanks!
|
|
|
|
Post by cooly44 on Nov 14, 2021 22:42:51 GMT
Sounds like a con artist. She’s going to get fleeced.
Meeting the guy is no indication that he’s not a scammer. I saw a tall good looking doctor on Tamara Hall who met and married his con artist. He came home one day to an empty apartment and empty bank account.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ass_E9 on Nov 14, 2021 22:58:25 GMT
Partly I'm angry, how much did she love her partner? As regards this question, I think it's fine that she's decided to move on with her life.
|
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 23:01:36 GMT
Sounds like a con artist. She’s going to get fleeced. Meeting the guy is no indication that he’s not a scammer. I saw a tall good looking doctor on Tamara Hall who met and married his con artist. He came home one day to an empty apartment and empty bank account. Believe me, I've thought of that cooly. Many things just don't add up 
|
|
|
|
Post by alittlebirdie on Nov 14, 2021 23:06:14 GMT
Partly I'm angry, how much did she love her partner? As regards this question, I think it's fine that she's decided to move on with her life. It's true Ass E9. It seems fast, but in the end I'm sure he'd be happy if she's happy. I've kind of lost her friendship but in a way she's not leaning on me so much so that's a relief. I'm just not sure I'll pick up the pieces if this is a flash in the pan, at least that's how I feel right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by cooly44 on Nov 14, 2021 23:49:43 GMT
It’s the 20 year age difference. Big red flag. And I’m not at all against dating sites. I know several people who have met great partners that way.
|
|
|
|
Post by politicidal on Nov 18, 2021 18:35:37 GMT
It’s the 20 year age difference. Big red flag. And I’m not at all against dating sites. I know several people who have met great partners that way. Yeah that sounds sketchy. Unless he likes older women then in that case, you do you. But online and in another country? Something doesn't add up.
|
|
|
|
Post by jeffersoncody on Nov 18, 2021 20:46:08 GMT
Is this a woman you would like to have sex with little birdie?
|
|
) Maybe, she held on to all of the support that you provided, and turned to this online relationship, after sensing your tiring of it. Also, was she unusually emotionally dependent on the partner?
