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Post by Nora on Nov 8, 2023 20:41:28 GMT
As the only childless person in my social group of friends I am getting quite annoyed with people who have kids (under 20) and a) are almost never able/ willing to talk any non-kids business b) are almost never able/willing to not only go out, yeah that part I get, kids schedules and priority makes sense. but not even chat on the phone! Just replying to texts takes them days/weeks. I think I might need new friends… But that would mean finding them either in much younger or much older age group… cause my age group pretty much all has kids. Is it weird if I a 43 yo will befriend 20-25 year olds or 55-65 yolds? (I am more likely to connect with the younger group though, with a few exceptions from this board course ) Anyone else struggling with something similar? For those of you who have kids: please pick up the phone / answer those texts sooner than a week later, if that person on the other side matters to you. Otherwise they are likely to think they dont and will be eventually forced to look for new friends if it becomes your new normal. Even just typing “hard day, will text when i recharge, hope things are ok on your side” is better than nothing and costs you 15 seconds only!
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Post by Nora on Nov 8, 2023 21:01:23 GMT
… oh and putting an emoji on a text is NOT a reply. Come on. If you are acknowledging you see the text why not type a few words….. grrr
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Post by Catman on Nov 8, 2023 21:22:26 GMT
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paislene
Junior Member
@paislene
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Post by paislene on Nov 8, 2023 21:34:58 GMT
It happens , Nora ! If you have a family , it's your main pre-occupation , and with work and everyday living , there is virtually no time for other connections . But take heart , there are many pro-active age groups (sports groups like golf, gym, jogging or running , walking, camping etc) where people who are left out can meet and connect . (There's even book, film, card or chess clubs as well).
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Post by divtal on Nov 8, 2023 23:36:25 GMT
I'm older than you are, and I don't have children. I don't recall a period of time when that has been a particular irritant to me. Most of my "group" has grandkids, now. They do talk about them, but not to an annoying level. I have many friends who don't have children, either ... maybe, that mitigates the situation.
I think that Paislene has a point. When you have kids/family it's your primary world. And, finding a connection of people with an interest that is similar to yours, would be a good idea. Then, perhaps, the focus on that interest would take precedence in most conversations.
If you gravitate to people who are much younger than you, consider that they are likely to become parents.
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uncreative
Sophomore
@uncreative
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Post by uncreative on Nov 8, 2023 23:39:03 GMT
They're so selfish. Why don't they ever think of how many lives they're ruining. Not only their own and probably the kid's too, but also all their non parent friends.
But really how are you the only one? I thought most people in cities were either skipping out on kids entirely or just leaving town once they pop out a kid or too and go somewhere more affordable.
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Post by Roberto on Nov 9, 2023 3:01:32 GMT
Can't relate, sorry. None of my friends have any. Maybe in 10-15 years that might start happening. But if they did I would probably not be their friend any more honestly.
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Post by Nora on Nov 9, 2023 3:17:37 GMT
Can't relate, sorry. None of my friends have any. Maybe in 10-15 years that might start happening. But if they did I would probably not be their friend any more honestly.
ha, lucky you. But yeah, it will probably come. So beware . It takes a lot of patience and trust and energy to invest in those friendship if you want to stay in them. While I completely understand kids are a priprity (of course, who wouldnt understand it) I still struggle to understand why that would mean a person needs to take 7+ days to answer a text msg. (outside of crisis/kids being sick etc of course). At a certain point it is hard not to take it personal of course. My friends occasionally throw me a “miss you” text, but its still hard not to be annoyed as “i moss u” once a month is a bad replacement for a meaningful friendship. Its like they went to war that lasts 18 years and are only allowed to send me a postcard once a month or something 🤣😭😅 … or if I suddenly became their secret lover they have to hide from their partner On good days I really try to be understanding and not pay any attention to it. On bad days (like today) am thinking of just finding new friends. Not to become my old friends enemy of course, but not to count on them for the actual friendships you know?
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Post by Nora on Nov 9, 2023 3:20:40 GMT
I'm older than you are, and I don't have children. I don't recall a period of time when that has been a particular irritant to me. Most of my "group" has grandkids, now. They do talk about them, but not to an annoying level. I have many friends who don't have children, either ... maybe, that mitigates the situation. I think that Paislene has a point. When you have kids/family it's your primary world. And, finding a connection of people with an interest that is similar to yours, would be a good idea. Then, perhaps, the focus on that interest would take precedence in most conversations. If you gravitate to people who are much younger than you, consider that they are likely to become parents. Yeah exactly, but my last non-kid having friend just gave birth so its over 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I think it would be didf if I had mixed friends yeah. I should just start planning for new friends I think. And when the 20-25 yolds become parents maybe my current friends will be freed from their war by then and will want to hang out again. I do see that quite often actually, the kids ho to college and all of a sudden the parents (usually the moms) realize “oh shit i have no real friends anymore”.
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Post by Nora on Nov 9, 2023 3:24:52 GMT
It happens , Nora ! If you have a family , it's your main pre-occupation , and with work and everyday living , there is virtually no time for other connections . But take heart , there are many pro-active age groups (sports groups like golf, gym, jogging or running , walking, camping etc) where people who are left out can meet and connect . (There's even book, film, card or chess clubs as well).
yeah i go to some of those clubs but.. a lot of those people are just weird 🤣🤣🤣🤣. and often single too. which at a certain age is somewhat odd socually too. (not divorced or widowed but life long single and over 40). I am married so maybe we just need to find another childless couple to hang out with. I guess that could work. But how does one go about that, post an ad on craigslist and get killed, on tinder and get hit on, on Facebook and get arrested? Anyway, am just ranting today a bit because I called my best friend and she didnt answer and didnt even text back “cant talk now will call back when free” which can be an automated msg jesus christ. (and its not the first time). Like I know she has two little kids and yes I get that hard, and realize its her priprity but how long does it take to craft a short text, right?? Grr. (I do care about my friend a lot so am gonna get over it but talking about it helps so thanks guys for listening
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Post by Roberto on Nov 9, 2023 6:25:34 GMT
Can't relate, sorry. None of my friends have any. Maybe in 10-15 years that might start happening. But if they did I would probably not be their friend any more honestly.
ha, lucky you. But yeah, it will probably come. So beware . It takes a lot of patience and trust and energy to invest in those friendship if you want to stay in them. While I completely understand kids are a priprity (of course, who wouldnt understand it) I still struggle to understand why that would mean a person needs to take 7+ days to answer a text msg. (outside of crisis/kids being sick etc of course). At a certain point it is hard not to take it personal of course. My friends occasionally throw me a “miss you” text, but its still hard not to be annoyed as “i moss u” once a month is a bad replacement for a meaningful friendship. Its like they went to war that lasts 18 years and are only allowed to send me a postcard once a month or something 🤣😭😅 … or if I suddenly became their secret lover they have to hide from their partner On good days I really try to be understanding and not pay any attention to it. On bad days (like today) am thinking of just finding new friends. Not to become my old friends enemy of course, but not to count on them for the actual friendships you know? Yeah that must really suck. I guess once they have kids it sort of defines them and effects what they say and do, or hang out with even when they happen to be available.
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Post by ghostintheshell on Nov 9, 2023 7:14:49 GMT
This!! We should normalize sharing random stuff or funny videos, or just checking in with them to see if theyre having a good day. Some days ya just don't feel like chatting and that's alright but a little 'hi' or 'good morning/night" text can brighten someone's day a bit!
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Post by Nora on Nov 9, 2023 16:02:56 GMT
This!! We should normalize sharing random stuff or funny videos, or just checking in with them to see if theyre having a good day. Some days ya just don't feel like chatting and that's alright but a little 'hi' or 'good morning/night" text can brighten someone's day a bit! Yes! Thank you! Spread the good msg . it costs nothing and menas a lot to people u used to talk to like every other day and now dont find time for weeks to even reply
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Post by ghostintheshell on Nov 11, 2023 14:09:22 GMT
This!! We should normalize sharing random stuff or funny videos, or just checking in with them to see if theyre having a good day. Some days ya just don't feel like chatting and that's alright but a little 'hi' or 'good morning/night" text can brighten someone's day a bit! Yes! Thank you! Spread the good msg . it costs nothing and menas a lot to people u used to talk to like every other day and now dont find time for weeks to even reply I know that feeling all too well cause I was one of those who would go weeks and sometimes months without replying for whatever reason...but Im trying to keep up now! When Ive got nothing to say, I usually just share something so I wont leave them hanging! Haha!
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Post by Nora on Nov 11, 2023 17:18:19 GMT
Yes! Thank you! Spread the good msg . it costs nothing and menas a lot to people u used to talk to like every other day and now dont find time for weeks to even reply I know that feeling all too well cause I was one of those who would go weeks and sometimes months without replying for whatever reason...but Im trying to keep up now! When Ive got nothing to say, I usually just share something so I wont leave them hanging! Haha!
Ha! Interesting. While I relaise everyone is differnt I would still like to picke your brain. Would love to know more if you dont mind. a) what made you not reply for weeks (or months 🥶🥶) in the first place? In my head its simply “i dont care about this person/ dont care ENOUGH”. What else could it be?? b) what made you change or try to change now? Thank you!
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Post by ghostintheshell on Nov 12, 2023 17:54:14 GMT
I know that feeling all too well cause I was one of those who would go weeks and sometimes months without replying for whatever reason...but Im trying to keep up now! When Ive got nothing to say, I usually just share something so I wont leave them hanging! Haha!
Ha! Interesting. While I relaise everyone is differnt I would still like to picke your brain. Would love to know more if you dont mind. a) what made you not reply for weeks (or months 🥶🥶) in the first place? In my head its simply “i dont care about this person/ dont care ENOUGH”. What else could it be?? b) what made you change or try to change now? Thank you! Oooh its definitely not that. Its not like I dont care about them, I DO care about them, a LOT actually...even consider them among my dearest of friends. I know it's sounds a bit corny but this was during one of the earlier stages of Covid restrictions and I was going through a lot of shit in my life and didn't know how go about pretending like everything was okay when it wasnt. I never intended to go that long without replying, it's kind of like a mix of things cause I was in a place where my brain was foggy/ lacked the mental effort to hold a conversation. Sometimes its got to do with my anxiety and sometimes Im just too lost in the moment with my distractions and before I know it days have turned to Weeks and weeks to months! It's not like I didnt want to reply, I actually did want to get back to them! I kept telling myself that i'll do it tomorrow or the next day and that day never came until after months later when it hit me that I've been a shitty friend. It's definitely a thing I dont like about myself but im glad they didnt turn their back on me. So I was like don't take it personally, you're like one of the 6 people I talk to at all! So i've realized that replying back at your own pace is better than not replying at all! lol
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Post by moviebuffbrad on Nov 12, 2023 23:32:04 GMT
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Post by Nora on Nov 14, 2023 5:16:44 GMT
Ha! Interesting. While I relaise everyone is differnt I would still like to picke your brain. Would love to know more if you dont mind. a) what made you not reply for weeks (or months 🥶🥶) in the first place? In my head its simply “i dont care about this person/ dont care ENOUGH”. What else could it be?? b) what made you change or try to change now? Thank you! Oooh its definitely not that. Its not like I dont care about them, I DO care about them, a LOT actually...even consider them among my dearest of friends. I know it's sounds a bit corny but this was during one of the earlier stages of Covid restrictions and I was going through a lot of shit in my life and didn't know how go about pretending like everything was okay when it wasnt. I never intended to go that long without replying, it's kind of like a mix of things cause I was in a place where my brain was foggy/ lacked the mental effort to hold a conversation. Sometimes its got to do with my anxiety and sometimes Im just too lost in the moment with my distractions and before I know it days have turned to Weeks and weeks to months! It's not like I didnt want to reply, I actually did want to get back to them! I kept telling myself that i'll do it tomorrow or the next day and that day never came until after months later when it hit me that I've been a shitty friend. It's definitely a thing I dont like about myself but im glad they didnt turn their back on me. So I was like don't take it personally, you're like one of the 6 people I talk to at all! So i've realized that replying back at your own pace is better than not replying at all! lol interesting, what you say is almost verbatim what my cousin (who is guilty of not replying for days/weeks ) says. i WANT TO believe her (she is a bit of an airhead and anxiety ridden on top of it) and i care for her deeply so i am not letting it destroy our friendship BUT it takes some seruous work on my part, just to calm my emotions (anger stemming from not understanding the world you and her describe. like i reply to Everybody each day before i got sleep unless i dont like them (and then i reply a day or two later max . I couldnt go to sleep not replying to someone i care about. i guess thats a world you and her dont understand, right? in the end i presume it falls down to “people are different” and i just hope ill recognize when i dont matter to someone vs when its that their world is just so diff from mine.
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jean74
Sophomore
September Autumn Winds!
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Post by jean74 on Nov 14, 2023 6:13:33 GMT
This is just me and if you don't agree then I understand and won't hold it against anybody by any and all means. But that I am 49-years old, never wanted to get married or have children. As love my independence and freedom. Maybe I wasn't meant to have a family or a relationship. Love my life the way it is.
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Post by ghostintheshell on Nov 15, 2023 17:43:27 GMT
Oooh its definitely not that. Its not like I dont care about them, I DO care about them, a LOT actually...even consider them among my dearest of friends. I know it's sounds a bit corny but this was during one of the earlier stages of Covid restrictions and I was going through a lot of shit in my life and didn't know how go about pretending like everything was okay when it wasnt. I never intended to go that long without replying, it's kind of like a mix of things cause I was in a place where my brain was foggy/ lacked the mental effort to hold a conversation. Sometimes its got to do with my anxiety and sometimes Im just too lost in the moment with my distractions and before I know it days have turned to Weeks and weeks to months! It's not like I didnt want to reply, I actually did want to get back to them! I kept telling myself that i'll do it tomorrow or the next day and that day never came until after months later when it hit me that I've been a shitty friend. It's definitely a thing I dont like about myself but im glad they didnt turn their back on me. So I was like don't take it personally, you're like one of the 6 people I talk to at all! So i've realized that replying back at your own pace is better than not replying at all! lol interesting, what you say is almost verbatim what my cousin (who is guilty of not replying for days/weeks ) says. i WANT TO believe her (she is a bit of an airhead and anxiety ridden on top of it) and i care for her deeply so i am not letting it destroy our friendship BUT it takes some seruous work on my part, just to calm my emotions (anger stemming from not understanding the world you and her describe. like i reply to Everybody each day before i got sleep unless i dont like them (and then i reply a day or two later max . I couldnt go to sleep not replying to someone i care about. i guess thats a world you and her dont understand, right? in the end i presume it falls down to “people are different” and i just hope ill recognize when i dont matter to someone vs when its that their world is just so diff from mine. I totally understand!! Sometimes it's burnout that causes a delay in my response and I'll look at a text and I really want to reply but I feel like with everything else thats going on in my life I want my reply to be comprehensive and not just a one worder like "yeah/okay/alright" etc. I know it seems petty but when youre overwhelmed at something even something as trivial as text can seem too much but it's something Ive been working on for months and Ive made significant progress at it! I just dont want to come off as rude or cold hearted by ghosting someone for days expect them to forgive me (even though most ppl in my inner circle do)
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