Completely Off-Topic: “The Ackbars Beat Their Rap/But Can It Be a Trap?”
Jul 31, 2018 18:53:05 GMT
President Ackbar™, No Morpho, Only Bánh mì, and 1 more like this
Post by Nalkarj on Jul 31, 2018 18:53:05 GMT
Consider this a belated birthday present for our pal No Morpho, Only Bánh mì ; I’m just sorry I couldn’t get it finished on your actual day, Blue Morpho! 
Part 2 tomorrow.
“The Ackbars Beat Their Rap”
It was a steamy, soaking summer’s day in Gotham City, the kind of day when all the “pow”s and “bam”s, and even “holy”s, seemed somehow out of place. Admittedly, the Joker was still at the Gotham City Penitentiary for his longest stretch yet, eight days, and Batman and Robin knew that the Penguin, the Riddler, Catwoman, and the rest wouldn’t attempt anything today—too hot, too wet. Still, Chief O’Hara, that sage and experienced officer of the law, devoted himself as much as usual to protecting the noble citizenry of fair Gotham City from any wicked no-gooder. He was woken when Commissioner Gordon rushed into the room like abat out of hellBATouttaheck and shouted:
“They’ve done it, Chief O’Hara—my God, They’ve done it!”
“Wha—wha—what’aire ya sayin’ there? Heh? Whered am Oi?” said the vigilant and experienced police-chief.
“You ignorant oaf!” said the vituperative and exasperated police-commissioner. “The Ackbars have returned to Gotham City!”
O’Hara’s eyes grew as big as an Irish fish-story. “Faith and begorrah, Commissioner! Boiy the sweet Virgin Mary and all the saints on the calendar!”
As O’Hara’s face blanched, Gordon rushed over to the Batphone and quickly raised the receiver. “That’s right, Chief O’Hara. I don’t know who he is beneath that mask of his, but our only hope now is that tower of power for right and justice—BATMAN!”
Meanwhile, at Stately Wayne Manor, Dick Grayson (who was secretly Robin, the Boy Wonder), young ward of millionaire Bruce Wayne (who was secretly Batman, the Caped Crusader), intensely studied his math homework. “Three.” Dick paused. “Plus.” Dick scrutinized the paperwork in from of him. “Eight.” Dick scratched his cranium. “Gee golly whiz, Alfred, this ‘mathematics’ stuff is way too hard for a young ward like myself. Do you mean that to be an ace crime-fighter I actually have to do this?”
Alfred Pennyworth, butler to the Wayne household, raised a finger to his lips. “Shhhhhh, young Master Grayson.”
“Holy slips of the tongue, Alfred, you’re right,” Dick murmured. “We can’t let Aunt Harriet hear that Bruce and I are, secretly and respectively, Robin, the Boy Wonder, and Batman, the Caped Crusader.”
“Quite right, young Master Grayson,” said Alfred. “Even Mr. Wayne himself, on this very date a year and a half ago, had to utilize his ’sums’ for his taxes. Do try again…”
“That—won’t be necessary at the moment, Alfred,” came a voice from the hall. It was millionaire Bruce Wayne himself.
“Sir?”
“Young Master Grayson may—come with me, Alfred, to the study,” said Wayne, giving Alfred a knowing look. Dick left his math homework behind and rushed toward the study, just as Aunt Harriet was coming through the door to the living-room.
Dick pushed the button, a bookshelf slid open, revealing—the Batpoles!
“What’s up, Bruce?” Dick queried, apprehensive.
“No time to explain, old chum,” said Wayne, “except that—the Ackbars are back in town.”
The—who? Bruce Wayne did not say anything more until he and his young ward were attired in their Batcostumes and ensconced in the Batmobile.
Within seconds they were at police headquarters.
“Great scott, Commissioner,” said Batman, pacing the floor—“the—the Ackbars?”
“Yes, indeed, Batman,” said Gordon sadly. “As you know, after their last set of—incidents, they were confined to life in prison, but after the new reforms last month, they had overstayed their sentence and were allowed to go.”
“New reforms?” said Robin, wide-eyed.
“Yes, Robin,” Batman informed his young ward. “Mayor Lindseed, great and gracious man that he is, has reformed the Gotham City Penal System such that no one can be sentenced to more than eight months in prison.”
Gordon said: “You must keep in mind, Boy Wonder, that, other than the actions of the Ackbars, Gotham City has been fortunate enough to have never experienced a crime worse than art-theft—not to mitigate the severity of that felony!”
“And let us keep it that way, Commissioner,” Batman advised—“which cannot be done with the Ackbars on the street! But do you mean that the Ackbars have already struck?”
“Oie, Batman,” said a despondently sleepy or sleepily despondent Chief O’Hara. “’Course thoiy said thoiy reformed—hah! Do ya know, boiy any chance, the show The Phantom of the Musical?”
“Why—yes, we do, Chief O’Hara. A most excellent piece of musical theatre by that famed composer Lloyd Webber-Andrews—but what of it?”
“Batman—Robin—the star of the show has gone missin’!”
“Holy asportation, Batman!” Robin shouted, punching one palm with the other fist.
“Whoie, that’s roight, Boy Wonder,” said the Chief. “The star of the show has gone missin’—kidnapped roight from his dressin’ room. And this note was left.”
The kidnapping note read:
“IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR PRECIOUS ‘PHANTOM’ STAR AGAIN, DO NOT FOLLOW US TO 114 TRAWRASS BOULEVARD—AND, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T BRING THE COPS—OR THE BLUE MORPHO!—The Ackbars.”
Attached was a detailed map to 114 Trawrass Boulevard and the personal phone number of Commissioner Gordon.
“But who are the Ackbars, Batman?” Robin inquired. “And who’s the Blue Morpho?”
“The Ackbars, @forceghostackbar and President Ackbar™, are the worst and most insidious criminals in all of Gotham,” Batman responded. “They are responsible for the single worst crime in Gothamite history—stealing a lollypop from an innocent child.”
“Holy iniquity, Batman!”
“Not much ‘holy’ about these evildoers, Robin. And The Blue Morpho is another crimefighter, much like ourselves, who aided me in my last encounter with the Ackbars. He is in Gotham City now, but unfortunately I am informed that he’s under a strict jury sequestration for an important civil case. Still… Chief O’Hara, Commissioner Gordon, fret not—the Dynamic Duo is on the trail of these monsters!”
No sooner had the Dynamic Duo returned to the Batmobile, though, that news of the Ackbars’ next criminal endeavor came to the fore. “EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!” shouted the newsboys. Robin ran to buy a paper. The Ackbars had broken into the Gotham City Museum of Scientific Advancement—and stolen Molly, the first cloned sheep, along with a thumbtack! In their place, the Ackbars had put a detailed map to 114 Trawrass Boulevard and the personal phone number of Chief O’Hara.
“What diabolical scheme are these criminals up to, Batman?” Robin yelled to the world at large.
“I’m—I’m not positive, Boy Wonder. But I do know the one man who can help us!”
The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder rushed across town to the Olde-Tyme Gothame Inne, a historic hotel at which George Washington had stopped to water his horses in 1778. Just having arrived there was that great hero—No Morpho, Only Bánh mì!
“I believe you know my young ward, Robin,” Batman told the Blue Morpho.
“Robin? Bird?” The Blue Morpho chuckled and pointed toward some feathers. “I also have a sidekick, but he’s a birdbrain—a real bird!”
He found that statement extraordinarily amusing.
Batman, though, was wontedly serious. “I know you were my visiting ‘co-hero’ eighteen months ago when the Ackbars last attacked, Blue Morpho,” he said. “Now, it appears, they have returned to take advantage of Gotham City’s humanitarian penal code and commit new acts of mayhem and wanton destruction.”
The Blue Morpho nodded and stroked his chin. “Exactly eighteen months ago, to the day, yes. Unfortunately, I can only offer you this piece of advice, Batman: do you remember the pattern of the Ackbars’ last crime?”
“I certainly do, Blue Morpho— Great Scott! You’re right. Do you mean that…”
“It certainly seems to be the case with these latest incidents. Be careful, Caped Crusader and Boy Wonder!”
With these ringing words in their ears, the Dynamic Duo set off once more—and news of yet another Ackbarian deed arose! This time, the Ackbars had struck twice: not only had they stolen Blackbeard’s ship, The Queen Gail’s Revenge, permanently docked in Gotham Harbor, but they had also broken into the Gotham City Museum of Antiquities and purloined—the Hope Carbuncle! In place of each was the now-customary map to 114 Trawrass Boulevard, now with the Mayor’s phone number attached.
“Holy double caper, Batman!” Robin shouted. “What will these evil villains do next?”
WHO CAN SOLVE THE MYSTERY? WHAT ARE THEY UP TO? WHEN WILL THEY STRIKE NEXT? WHERE WILL THEY STIKE? WHY ARE THEY STEALING SUCH UNUSUAL OBJECTS? HOW WILL BATMAN, ROBIN, AND THE BLUE MORPHO STOP THEM? TUNE BACK TOMORROW—SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT-URL!
Part 2 tomorrow.“The Ackbars Beat Their Rap”
It was a steamy, soaking summer’s day in Gotham City, the kind of day when all the “pow”s and “bam”s, and even “holy”s, seemed somehow out of place. Admittedly, the Joker was still at the Gotham City Penitentiary for his longest stretch yet, eight days, and Batman and Robin knew that the Penguin, the Riddler, Catwoman, and the rest wouldn’t attempt anything today—too hot, too wet. Still, Chief O’Hara, that sage and experienced officer of the law, devoted himself as much as usual to protecting the noble citizenry of fair Gotham City from any wicked no-gooder. He was woken when Commissioner Gordon rushed into the room like a
“They’ve done it, Chief O’Hara—my God, They’ve done it!”
“Wha—wha—what’aire ya sayin’ there? Heh? Whered am Oi?” said the vigilant and experienced police-chief.
“You ignorant oaf!” said the vituperative and exasperated police-commissioner. “The Ackbars have returned to Gotham City!”
O’Hara’s eyes grew as big as an Irish fish-story. “Faith and begorrah, Commissioner! Boiy the sweet Virgin Mary and all the saints on the calendar!”
As O’Hara’s face blanched, Gordon rushed over to the Batphone and quickly raised the receiver. “That’s right, Chief O’Hara. I don’t know who he is beneath that mask of his, but our only hope now is that tower of power for right and justice—BATMAN!”
Meanwhile, at Stately Wayne Manor, Dick Grayson (who was secretly Robin, the Boy Wonder), young ward of millionaire Bruce Wayne (who was secretly Batman, the Caped Crusader), intensely studied his math homework. “Three.” Dick paused. “Plus.” Dick scrutinized the paperwork in from of him. “Eight.” Dick scratched his cranium. “Gee golly whiz, Alfred, this ‘mathematics’ stuff is way too hard for a young ward like myself. Do you mean that to be an ace crime-fighter I actually have to do this?”
Alfred Pennyworth, butler to the Wayne household, raised a finger to his lips. “Shhhhhh, young Master Grayson.”
“Holy slips of the tongue, Alfred, you’re right,” Dick murmured. “We can’t let Aunt Harriet hear that Bruce and I are, secretly and respectively, Robin, the Boy Wonder, and Batman, the Caped Crusader.”
“Quite right, young Master Grayson,” said Alfred. “Even Mr. Wayne himself, on this very date a year and a half ago, had to utilize his ’sums’ for his taxes. Do try again…”
“That—won’t be necessary at the moment, Alfred,” came a voice from the hall. It was millionaire Bruce Wayne himself.
“Sir?”
“Young Master Grayson may—come with me, Alfred, to the study,” said Wayne, giving Alfred a knowing look. Dick left his math homework behind and rushed toward the study, just as Aunt Harriet was coming through the door to the living-room.
Dick pushed the button, a bookshelf slid open, revealing—the Batpoles!
“What’s up, Bruce?” Dick queried, apprehensive.
“No time to explain, old chum,” said Wayne, “except that—the Ackbars are back in town.”
The—who? Bruce Wayne did not say anything more until he and his young ward were attired in their Batcostumes and ensconced in the Batmobile.
Within seconds they were at police headquarters.
“Great scott, Commissioner,” said Batman, pacing the floor—“the—the Ackbars?”
“Yes, indeed, Batman,” said Gordon sadly. “As you know, after their last set of—incidents, they were confined to life in prison, but after the new reforms last month, they had overstayed their sentence and were allowed to go.”
“New reforms?” said Robin, wide-eyed.
“Yes, Robin,” Batman informed his young ward. “Mayor Lindseed, great and gracious man that he is, has reformed the Gotham City Penal System such that no one can be sentenced to more than eight months in prison.”
Gordon said: “You must keep in mind, Boy Wonder, that, other than the actions of the Ackbars, Gotham City has been fortunate enough to have never experienced a crime worse than art-theft—not to mitigate the severity of that felony!”
“And let us keep it that way, Commissioner,” Batman advised—“which cannot be done with the Ackbars on the street! But do you mean that the Ackbars have already struck?”
“Oie, Batman,” said a despondently sleepy or sleepily despondent Chief O’Hara. “’Course thoiy said thoiy reformed—hah! Do ya know, boiy any chance, the show The Phantom of the Musical?”
“Why—yes, we do, Chief O’Hara. A most excellent piece of musical theatre by that famed composer Lloyd Webber-Andrews—but what of it?”
“Batman—Robin—the star of the show has gone missin’!”
“Holy asportation, Batman!” Robin shouted, punching one palm with the other fist.
“Whoie, that’s roight, Boy Wonder,” said the Chief. “The star of the show has gone missin’—kidnapped roight from his dressin’ room. And this note was left.”
The kidnapping note read:
“IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR PRECIOUS ‘PHANTOM’ STAR AGAIN, DO NOT FOLLOW US TO 114 TRAWRASS BOULEVARD—AND, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T BRING THE COPS—OR THE BLUE MORPHO!—The Ackbars.”
Attached was a detailed map to 114 Trawrass Boulevard and the personal phone number of Commissioner Gordon.
“But who are the Ackbars, Batman?” Robin inquired. “And who’s the Blue Morpho?”
“The Ackbars, @forceghostackbar and President Ackbar™, are the worst and most insidious criminals in all of Gotham,” Batman responded. “They are responsible for the single worst crime in Gothamite history—stealing a lollypop from an innocent child.”
“Holy iniquity, Batman!”
“Not much ‘holy’ about these evildoers, Robin. And The Blue Morpho is another crimefighter, much like ourselves, who aided me in my last encounter with the Ackbars. He is in Gotham City now, but unfortunately I am informed that he’s under a strict jury sequestration for an important civil case. Still… Chief O’Hara, Commissioner Gordon, fret not—the Dynamic Duo is on the trail of these monsters!”
No sooner had the Dynamic Duo returned to the Batmobile, though, that news of the Ackbars’ next criminal endeavor came to the fore. “EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!” shouted the newsboys. Robin ran to buy a paper. The Ackbars had broken into the Gotham City Museum of Scientific Advancement—and stolen Molly, the first cloned sheep, along with a thumbtack! In their place, the Ackbars had put a detailed map to 114 Trawrass Boulevard and the personal phone number of Chief O’Hara.
“What diabolical scheme are these criminals up to, Batman?” Robin yelled to the world at large.
“I’m—I’m not positive, Boy Wonder. But I do know the one man who can help us!”
The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder rushed across town to the Olde-Tyme Gothame Inne, a historic hotel at which George Washington had stopped to water his horses in 1778. Just having arrived there was that great hero—No Morpho, Only Bánh mì!
“I believe you know my young ward, Robin,” Batman told the Blue Morpho.
“Robin? Bird?” The Blue Morpho chuckled and pointed toward some feathers. “I also have a sidekick, but he’s a birdbrain—a real bird!”
He found that statement extraordinarily amusing.
Batman, though, was wontedly serious. “I know you were my visiting ‘co-hero’ eighteen months ago when the Ackbars last attacked, Blue Morpho,” he said. “Now, it appears, they have returned to take advantage of Gotham City’s humanitarian penal code and commit new acts of mayhem and wanton destruction.”
The Blue Morpho nodded and stroked his chin. “Exactly eighteen months ago, to the day, yes. Unfortunately, I can only offer you this piece of advice, Batman: do you remember the pattern of the Ackbars’ last crime?”
“I certainly do, Blue Morpho— Great Scott! You’re right. Do you mean that…”
“It certainly seems to be the case with these latest incidents. Be careful, Caped Crusader and Boy Wonder!”
With these ringing words in their ears, the Dynamic Duo set off once more—and news of yet another Ackbarian deed arose! This time, the Ackbars had struck twice: not only had they stolen Blackbeard’s ship, The Queen Gail’s Revenge, permanently docked in Gotham Harbor, but they had also broken into the Gotham City Museum of Antiquities and purloined—the Hope Carbuncle! In place of each was the now-customary map to 114 Trawrass Boulevard, now with the Mayor’s phone number attached.
“Holy double caper, Batman!” Robin shouted. “What will these evil villains do next?”
WHO CAN SOLVE THE MYSTERY? WHAT ARE THEY UP TO? WHEN WILL THEY STRIKE NEXT? WHERE WILL THEY STIKE? WHY ARE THEY STEALING SUCH UNUSUAL OBJECTS? HOW WILL BATMAN, ROBIN, AND THE BLUE MORPHO STOP THEM? TUNE BACK TOMORROW—SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT-URL!
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