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Post by kls on May 15, 2020 15:28:52 GMT
Guys who are/were married did you do that?
Women who are/were married did the groom do that?
With my late husband it was a bit of a twist on it. He didn't ask my father. He bypassed him and asked for my mother's blessing.
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Post by Catman on May 15, 2020 15:33:17 GMT
Catman did not ask for Catwoman's hand. He asked for all of her.
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Post by someguy on May 15, 2020 15:36:11 GMT
It shouldn't be up to the parents anyway.
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Post by kls on May 15, 2020 15:39:48 GMT
It shouldn't be up to the parents anyway. Today in all honesty I don't really think folks see it as a permission thing. Isn't it more like asking for a blessing/approval? I mean if the parent doesn't give it not like marriage is a no go.
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Post by TheOriginalPinky on May 15, 2020 15:46:29 GMT
We eloped, so no one asked anyone for a blessing prior to. However, we received many blessings when we returned.
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Post by Feologild Oakes on May 15, 2020 15:50:35 GMT
I am not marriage and have no wish to be, But i am giving an answer anyway.
But i have always found the notion of asking the fathers permission to marry his daughter moronic the only person you should ask for permission is the daughter.
I could of course be wrong but i think its far more common in the US than in Europe to as the father for permission to marry his daughter.
Its a pointless and outdated practice
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Post by kls on May 15, 2020 15:58:33 GMT
I am not marriage and have no wish to be, But i am giving an answer anyway. But i have always found the notion of asking the fathers permission to marry his daughter moronic the only person you should ask for permission is the daughter. I could of course be wrong but i think its far more common in the US than in Europe to as the father for permission to marry his daughter. Its a pointless and outdated practice Is it really asking permission though? I always found much more as seeking a blessing.
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Post by clusium on May 15, 2020 15:59:15 GMT
Catman did not ask for Catwoman's hand. He asked for all of her. Sorry Catman, but, Catwoman is taken. She is Batman's lady!!!!!
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Post by mslo79 on May 15, 2020 16:03:11 GMT
I can sort of see why some might as some people rush into marriage when it might be a mistake. like for example... if the daughter gets involved with some shady guy the parents are more likely to see through that person than the daughter would etc. so I can see how it would be better if the guy who was trying to marry that daughter asked for permission from the parents, as like mentioned above, it's more of their blessing sort of thing. I realize they could just flat out ignore that whole process and get married anyways though, but you get the general idea of it  |
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Post by Stammerhead on May 15, 2020 17:38:07 GMT
No. We had been living together for many years and only got married for adoption purposes. We had a spare afternoon when I was off work following a hernia op and decided to nip down to the town hall and start proceedings. How romantic is that?  |
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Post by enigma72 on May 15, 2020 19:47:36 GMT
Yes.
I met my husband in Germany. He was in the US Army .
I was teaching school for the Dept of defence.
We were engaged. We got to California about June 15 and the wedding was the 27th.
Big Catholic church wedding with 300 guests!
I did not know my husband asked my dad.
I wasnt there at the time. Husband told me later.
Like KLS said it was not permission but more of a blessing
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Post by Nora on May 15, 2020 21:26:10 GMT
Guys who are/were married did you do that? Women who are/were married did the groom do that? With my late husband it was a bit of a twist on it. He didn't ask my father. He bypassed him and asked for my mother's blessing. yes he did, and it was something I wanted to be done. My father is very conservative plus not doing well health-wise and I knew it would make him very happy. So that was my motivation. Not much to do with me or my personal feeling of freedom . And my mom got flowers on the same day too. Both were happy. I like to see them happy. They both had a very difficult life. My dads response though was funny, apparently he said "is this for real?" and then when my husband said yes, my dad replied "ok, but no backsies"  ))
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Post by Nora on May 15, 2020 21:31:42 GMT
It shouldn't be up to the parents anyway. Today in all honesty I don't really think folks see it as a permission thing. Isn't it more like asking for a blessing/approval? I mean if the parent doesn't give it not like marriage is a no go. thats how I see it too, but to be honest, if my parents KNEW the guy AND didnt like him and didnt approve, I would seriously consider not getting married to the person. Like mslo79 says, they might see things I am too blinded to see. Given that I trust my parents and we have a good relationship, and if they met the guy at least like 5 times, you know, had a chance to get to know him a bit and yet were against it, I would think very hard and would be open to all sorts of interventions. Maybe not when I was a teenager sure, rebelling and all that, but when over 30? For sure. Similar with my 2-3 best friends. If they hated the guy, there is something wrong with him that I am not seeing and I better listen up to what they have to say. Luckily that never happened, but I do have a trusting relationships with my closest best friends. I was once at a situation when I hated the guy my close friend was with (alcoholic, violent, abusive, it was CLEAR to all but her) and I did tell her openly, and she still stayed with him, even after he kicked her and tossed her around etc. I eventually said I would not be coming over to visit her anymore while he is there, and I would be happy to see her elsewhere but not with him. I felt like Ihad to make a stronger stance. Eventually they broke up, she saw through it too, but it took another year and was a very painful exercise for all involved. I also once refused to go to my friends wedding, for the very same reason. Alcoholic/gambler. PLUS she didnt really love him (she didnt know that at the time, but we did). I talked to her day before her wedding and said "dont marry him, you can still walk away" as she was crying on the phone to me. But she proceeded. Was a horrible marriage, he almost bankrupted her but they are now divorced and had a bad custody battle. I am a big believer in trusting your closest circle in situations like this. Her mom also told her not to marry him btw.
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Post by moviebuffbrad on May 15, 2020 22:33:49 GMT
No. That'd be creepy and weird.
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Post by moviebuffbrad on May 16, 2020 3:23:19 GMT
No. That'd be creepy and weird. I think it's creepy and weird that you think it's creepy and weird. You're overthinking it. I married a grown ass woman, not a little girl. If the guy says no, do you pack your bags and go? If not, what's the point? |
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Post by moviebuffbrad on May 16, 2020 7:30:16 GMT
I married a grown ass woman, not a little girl. If the guy says no, do you pack your bags and go? If not, what's the point? It's just a formality. If he's gonna say no you don't ask. It's common sense to try and build a good relationship with your wife's family. Well, I did that without asking anyone if I could marry her. I'm pretty sure that's a relic of father's trading (re: prostituting) their daughter for upward mobility, wealth, etc. Usually whether the daughter wanted to marry the guy or not. In retrospect, my other posts sound pretty judgmental. I don't mean to disrespect anyone (especially the OP's husband) and if someone else wants to do that, more power to them. I personally would just feel weird about it.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2020 9:57:44 GMT
I married a grown ass woman, not a little girl. If the guy says no, do you pack your bags and go? If not, what's the point? It's just a formality. If he's gonna say no you don't ask. It's common sense to try and build a good relationship with your wife's family. That's a good point. By the time you're ready to ask you should know how the family feels about you.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2020 10:06:08 GMT
Every culture is different. In some cultures it's still customary to ask and you'd be disrespectful if you don't.
You wouldn't want to start out a marriage at war with your in laws. That always comes later...
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Post by kls on May 16, 2020 10:16:54 GMT
I don't believe my father thought anything of my late husband not asking for his blessing. But I don't believe he knows that my mother's was sought.
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Post by mslo79 on May 16, 2020 12:38:05 GMT
NoraYep. but I kind of suspect younger people in general make poorer decisions especially in their 20's and younger. like someone who's in their mid-20's vs say mid-30's there should be a solid improvement at that point. but I guess there ain't much you can do about it as we all got to live and learn and hopefully get a bit wiser with age and hopefully don't make too big of a mistake in the mean time. because even in relation to my cousins... while I think most made good choices in who they married (as some I would be surprised if they ended in divorce etc), at least a handful, maybe a bit more, I think were a mistake to where they could have easily done better (as my overall opinion of them is more negative than positive) but I think in terms of a couple of my female cousins seem to be a bit naive (like not even a age thing, they are just that way) and likely can't read people to well in my opinion and I think similarly of my male cousin on who he married etc. but in the interest if not creating conflict I can't really say anything and have to go with the flow. but this stuff is not super serious like abusive kind of thing that you mentioned, so they are okay in this regard, as I don't think the people they married are outright bad people, but I tend to see them more in a negative light than a positive light overall where as pretty much everyone else seems to be more in a neutral to positive light and seem to just click better with the person they are married to. but anyways... I tend to trust my mom for the most part in this stuff to since I would say her and I are similar in this regard on reading people as we tend to largely agree even though not always as sometimes I think she's a bit too quick to judge some females a little harsher than she should (like I think she sometimes gets the impression that a certain females think 'they are all that' when I tend to read the situation a bit differently like they just might be more confident etc). but I suspect this comes back to general nature in that females seem quicker to dis other females than males in general and I think the opposite of that is true in that males are more likely to judge other males a bit more harshly than they would a female in general as I think it boils down to some type of competition thing (even if only mildly) among those of the same sex than those of the opposite sex, since we tend to default to liking those of the opposite sex more on some level. this is not always the case though but I think is has a bigger effect than most would acknowledge. but I guess we all have at least some small blind spots and maybe even some bigger ones to in random areas like these. Yeah, it's amazing what you said seems to be fairly common from what I hear that those who get abused don't leave even though it's blatantly obvious the person is just a bad person and they should have split up early on as soon as a line was crossed into getting physical. because I get everyone is going to argue at least here and there but most people can argue without violence getting involved. because alcoholic stuff is bad enough (although could be easier to overlook if the alcoholic can still live a productive/functional life. but if they turn into a bad person when they drink and are drinking often then this will obviously become a big problem) but the abusive angle is just a flat out red flag. but good on you for taking a stance because it's not like the guy was so-so(like someone bickering over petty stuff), he was just a bad person. so you clearly did the right thing there @opus Yeah, that's a good point as that could cause conflict and put a strain on the marriage, especially if the people can't stand each other. because a little conflict might not be the end of the world but after a certain point I could see it becoming a big problem especially if the one in the marriage is quite bothered by it where it eats at them and they want peace and that's not likely to happen for the foreseeable future. because I figure not many are all that close to their in-laws anyways. but I guess the main thing is as long as you get along okay enough on the occasions you do meet up.
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