Ever wondered how many fictional (and factual) sleuths have been portrayed in movies, on TV and radio, and in literature? I set about figuring this out in verse. There were more than I thought.
For a fellow Sleuth follower
Nalkarj 1.
There is a form, a certain style,
stories of such wit and guile,
of men and women, quite a pile,
who maybe thrill or make us smile.
from minds who plot with devious toil,
the best to start is Conan-Doyle.
His Sherlock Holmes was just the tops,
of all PIs, DA`s and cops.
2.
But I`m quite sure that `tec` fans know,
`Twas Wilkie Collins launched the show,
Woman (White) and Count Fosco,
(those who knew just take a bow),
followed by a tale renowned,
the story "Moonstone" hit the town.
and if you really are a buff,
you won`t forget his Sergeant Cuff.
3.
So many heroes to impart,
Call Bulldog Drummond for a start.
James Kavanagh portayed by Thaw,
the latter....Redcap years before,
and ever Morse, of course of course,
but not McCloud upon his horse.
There`s Amos Burke who had his law,
then Perry Mason took the floor,
4.
Doctor Thorndyke, Doctor Fell,
Doctor Quincy`s lab as well,
those silent witnesses foretell,
and give us answers on the kill,
Rockford, Sloan and Harry-O,
Fletcher, Marple and Poirot,
McGarrett with his pal Danno,
and Dalziel too with Pete Pascoe.
5.
There`s Dragnet, Chips, Highway Patrol,
those bold Avengers, new and old.
Father Dowling, Father Brown,
with Charlie`s Angels flying round,
Cagney, Lacey, Starsky, Hutch,
Jason King, don`t like him much,
Regan, Carter, Sisters Snoop,
oh please get Smart, he`s such a dope.
6.
Inspector Alleyn, he`s a swell,
Columbo? Raincoat? What`s that smell?
Wycliffe, Wexford, Dalgleish too
Lord Peter Wimsey in Who`s Who.
Bergerac of Jersey fame,
that Chinese `tec, forget his name,
Z-Cars, Dixon, Public Eye,
Car fifty-four, oh where, oh why?
7.
Another Chinese guy called Chan,
he waved an oriental fan.
Whenever did he find the time,
with all those sons, to solve a crime?
Once "who dun it?" top of pops,
were memoirs of those real live cops,
of whom there`s one of true regard,
that famous Fabian of the Yard.
8.
Softly Softly catchee ape,
then Cat`s Eyes followed all agape,
and Curtis who Persuaded Moore,
that playing James was such a bore?
That awful two, Sapphire and Steel,
just seemed to lack that feel appeal,
Petrocelli sniffed out guilt,
but was his damn house ever built?
9.
Sweet Midsomer is the place,
that Barnaby is on the case
and solves it at andante crawl,
`cos winters there, don`t come at all.
The guys in Heartbeat never age,
like Cadfael, mediaeval sage,
there`s Rebus, Frost and Campion,
and female mav`rick Tennison,
10.
Why aye, there`s Spender of the creed,
and silky justice by Judge Deed?
Is Special Branch still on the job?
Does L.A.Law curtail the mob?
Callan took a New York flight,
to Equalize with all his might.
Miami Vice was all a-go,
and Juliet cried out, Bravo.
11.
Twenties, thirties, jazzy gauge,
and Mrs Bradley caught the age
with chauffeur as associate,
and DI Christmas...latent hate.
Richard Hannay fought for peace.
then Biggles flew with Air Police.
When once Paul Temple found his clue...
a bloody hat or bloody shoe.
12.
Dempsey Makepeace, hair form chic
Lovejoy, Tinker, they`re antique,
there`s Hazel (partly writ by "Tel",
that`s Venables...oh what the hell!)
and yet another PI crew
back on the box...Chandler & Co.
Will Lockhart deem to show his face?...
there really is No Hiding Place.
13.
Simon Templar that`s the Saint,
Rumpole is the one who`s quaint,
The Baron`s shop is quite a spot,
put Raffles there, he`d nick the lot.
Hart to Hart? Just feel the silk,
I`ll go Dutch with Van der Valk.
Maigret`s logic can`t be broke,
but can you find it through the smoke?
14.
I mind that Man in Suitcase still,
he answered to the name McGill.
Shoestring scowled Under the Sun,
and Widmark growled in Madigan.
Round San Fransisco`s hilly streets
Inspector Stone patrolled his beats,
the villains gave him little fuss,
his partner`s pa was Spartacus.
15.
Does the Practice pay the tab
if eating out with Henry Crabb?
When Harry Palmer traps a rat
there`s not a lot of folk know that.
Petrella, Hazelrigg can`t fail,
nor can Sir Henry Merrivale.
Here`s hoping Magnum won`t be back,
just bury him with Banacek
16.
Some maple Mountie`s gone Due South.
There`s good old Ventriss, fag in mouth,
Dangerfield`s one more cop doc,
Commander Gideon?..such a rock.
Barlow largely went alone,
there`s Rin Tin Tin with greasy bone.
Cartoon sleuths are no less few,
Dick Tracy through to Scoobie Doo.
17.
Inspector Lynley`s on the ball,
Inspector Poole just made a call,
and other ones who fill a plot,
whose intellects are none too hot,
Inspectors Craddock, Japp, Lestrade,
they plod like Slack, don`t make the grade,
and Super Mullet ( Horn-rimmed Hal ),
creates a comic interval.
18.
Powell and Carrott.....silly two,
show all sleuths what not to do,
The Thin Blue Line likewise was daft,
and Rosie?...too inept by half,
but after all, and in the main,
tellie`s here to entertain,
diversion from real doom and death...
oh, don`t forget Hamish Macbeth.
19.
A couple that just came to me,
don`t know if they're on T,V.
Inspector Ghoti with his badge,
employed his trade around the Raj,
then Mr Moto of Japan,
played by Lorre (Deutschland man).
Not so strange as you may think,
the phrase "Ach So" perhaps the link.
20.
Whether plots are strong or lame,
the bloody format`s just the same,
good cop, bad cop, subterfuge
Watson, Hastings, dummy, stooge,
sheriff, lord or private dick,
rest assured they`ve got a trick.
Always will the villain pay,
sometimes you pray they`ll get away.
21.
Jemima Shore`s a nifty babe,
I do recall some guy McCabe.
While Kojak sucked his lollipop,
Chief Ironside was all crooked up.
Even in those days of yore,
on radio you`d find some more,
Dick Barton I remember fine,
along with P.C 49.
22.
Digressing for a verse or two,
more off-shoots of these types of show,
the secret agent, privateers,
who save the world and calm our fears,
like oh oh seven guys called Bond,
or Body, Doyle, they won`t be conned,
George Smiley can`t be told a lie,
by Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.
23.
Men from Uncle and Matt Helm,
Protectors in defence of realm.
Nikita`s back on track again,
In Deep with undercover men,
who each hunt foes without, within,
(the A-team does it with a grin).
The mission`s possible they deem,
for Queen and country? U.S. dream?
24.
There`s Thieftakers...a picky force
and City Central, somewhat coarse,
then Merseybeat, and N.C.S.
just hear The Knock...you`re in a mess.
C.I.A and C S.I.
M.I.5 and F.B.I.
K.G.B. of silent tread,
and Eve* again Waking the Dead.
* Trevor Eve. Shoestring/Under the Sun/Waking the Dead
25.
N.Y.P.D., Blues and Twos
Take whichever show you chose.
Wire in the Blood for Dr Hill,
who gets behind that Mind to Kill,
that which when caught may just go free
(depending on Defenders` fee).
D.A.`s all, like Elliot Ness,
give us drama...courtroom stress.
26.
Law and Order is the name
and super heroes join the game
when Marvelman proclaims "Shazam!"
and Rocket man warms up...vrmm-vrmm!
Clark Kent, the Kryptonite that is
flies round the cosmos in a whiz.
but is his manliness in doubt,
when wearing undies inside out?
27.
Blonde Gordon flashed his way to Mars
where Emp`ror Ming abused his pow`rs
Spiderman skulks up some walls
(Does hulky Banner have green balls?)
Batman, Robin, batmobile,
bring all to book who kill and steal,
but Wonder Woman with a zing
just does it with some coloured string.
28.
Those western men who spit and burp,
from Pinkerton to Wyatt Earp,
giants of the cowboy crime
are far too many at this time.
I`ll leave their stories for a while,
explore them later Texas style,
rove the range like outlaws free,
and bugger up their history.
29.
So back to our computer age,
push-button sleuths are all the rage,
Steve Austin, bio-technic limbs,
Knight Rider, supersonic rims.
Crime from up above? unwise,
when Air Wolf takes to U.S. skies.
The U.K.`s safe, so raise your jugs,
they`ve filled the place with little BUGS.
30.
That other Major man "Fall Guy",
(Moonlighting maybe, by the by),
Bill Shatner`s acting...God! Ah me!
as Hooker ...(cop`s academy).
Mulder, Scully go apace,
To keep us safe from outer space,
with sentiments that all cops share,
they`re well aware...the truth`s out there.
31.
Though Doomwatch wasn`t quite akin,
investigation`s still the plan,
Marlowe, Janson, Spade and Pym,
the Thin Man too, remember him?
Eleventh Hour with Herbert Lom,
and Goring`s Expert, with aplomb.
Amazing where they all come from,
my list is long with more to come.
32.
"Who was Jack?" we wish we knew,
so was he Brit, Yank, Pole or Jew?
New theories come and many go,
still Jack could be just any Joe.
Patricia Cornwell* stalked the bird,
but her ideas were quite absurd,
so rip her sickly words and ship her,
quickly back to Kay Scarpetta?
*Patricia Cornwell ("Stalking the Ripper") stated categorically ("100%") that the artist Walter Sickhert was Jack the Ripper.
33.
Two more of pathologic mode,
a dodgy death? Sam Ryan`s load,
and John McCallum`s cut up too,
and "cries a river over you"*.
Sunset Strip`s still new to me,
young Cookie must be eighty-three.
I turn each myst`ry` hist`ry page,
and must confess I feel my age.
*Theme tune.
34.
And even other Cracking shrinks
who think like hell and tip the wink,
and go Outside the Rules to find,
those fiends with Murder in (their) Mind(s).
Between the Lines there is of course,
that man of might who rules The Force,
politic`lly with brawn and beef
and simply hallowed as The Chief.
35.
Titanic victim, Jacques Futrelle,
he wrote about the thirteenth cell,
Van Dusen`s logic linked the scene,
and earned the name "Thinking Machine".
now Mrs Parteger I trow,
had hubby`s seedy friends in tow,
Charles Paris (drunken actor yet),
enigmas both from Simon Brett.
36.
Gwen Butler`s tales, a tad macab`re,
some gothic wails in modern garb,
her interjector`s name spells joy,
Inspector Coffin is her guy.
"Skin o` my tooth" (that`s Mulligan),
was Orzcy`s delving Irishman,
Emmuska`s doll she worked so hard,
was Lady Moll of Scotland Yard.
37.
Roger Chapman, pedlar he,
sleuthed for future Richard Three,
t`was a shame Rodge weren`t around
when poor young Dickie lost his crown.
Had Kate Sedley just wrote it right,
she could have saved the White Boar`s plight
by putting Roger right on course
to finding Dick another horse.
38.
Anne Perry (played by Kate Winslett),
invented Tom and Charlotte Pitt.
John Murray`s cases time forgot,
`til Victor Speer compiled the lot.
Clarice Starling`s built in vector
set its sight on Mr Lecter
(eyeing still a guest for dinner,
hopefully that`s Michael Winner).
39.
Della Street and Harriet Vane
Stella Street and Maisie Raine
and many more I can`t recall,
to join the sleuth`s Memorial Hall
Christie`s flop, those two so vain,
Tommy, Tuppence, back again.
Another couple from her pen,
that`s Parker Pyne, and Harley Quinn,
40.
Bella donna, seeds of yew,
cyanide and strychnine too,
strangulation, carving knives,
jealous husbands, flighty wives.
Strike or shoot with pure intent,
occasion`lly dismemberment.
in smelly cellar, bloody gore...
spray Luminol on ev`ry door.
41.
MacMillan, Wife, they`re full of pep,
Old Monty Egg`s a travelling rep,
Arnold Landon digs up clues
with archaeology to use
Sister Joan safeguards her vows
as much as crime and heav`n allows.
Now M.I.T.* comes on each week
I s`pose I`ll need to take a peek.
*Murder Investigation Team (spin off from “The Bill”)
42.
From his quill and from his brain
of evergreen Mickey Spillane
emerged a guy, and quite a whammer,
could I overlook Mike Hammer?
Down the eighty-seventh precinct
Ed McBain (with words succinct)
portrays the life of Steve Carella
yet one more case-bustin` fella.
43.
Randall, Hopkirk (he`s deceased),
and now can join the Spooks at least
Jardine, Taggart, Morse gone too,
and Lewis back with building crew,
but now from good to gard`nin` life
comes Kendal and Pop Larkin`s wife,
in amongst the soil and grime
find Rosemary and Mrs Thyme.
44.
In time of Richard (Lion Coeur)
lived John de Wolfe, a goodly Sir,
a “crowner” (i.e. coroner)
in old walled town of Exeter.
He served the justice of the day
in Bernard Knight(ly) sort of way
that author rightly set on list,
(a famed forensic scientist).
45
But now of course to cap it all,
we`ve murder docs from fly to wall,
and true crimes coming out our ears,
repeats that run for years and years,
but real life isn`t half the fun,
as fiction baddies on the run,
and that been said I`ve had my fill,
a verse or three, and I`ll be still.
46.
We`re captivated by that Trial
with Retribution in a while,
and murder in both slum or glitz
beguile us all with gory bits.
The Coroner holds death inquest,
who prosecutes? why Helen West.
But young or ancient, man or maid,
they`ll never make old Sherlock fade.
47.
Nor Creegan, Wainthrope, Sexton Blake,
Cordelia Gray, or Drew or Drake.
and Bain and Crane and Jonny Creek,
with waning brain, I`m feeling weak.
There`s gloss and gleam, to grim and green,
from Sergeant Cribb, to Ell`ry Queen.
On Cannon, Matlock, Reed, I`ll muse,
so goodbye Bill, I`ve Hill Street Blues.
48.
A small P.S. before I go,
forgot to mention one more show.
there`s Crimewatch that we love and know,
it`s coming on...so Cheerio...
...oh, one last thing, a P.P.S.
I`d like the answer, no or yes,
as some Toff asked me once before,
"Should I get out a little more?"
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I stopped writing this about 15 years ago. There are many not mentioned, both historical or still ongoing at the time, and there have been many new ones since then yet to be counted. I leave that task to whomever is as nutty as I....
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