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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:27:21 GMT
THE PIRATE PLANET
Doctor: Yet another STRANGE NEW WORLD to save from DISASTER. Well, ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH. So, has anyone seen the Captain? Archer: In line with the CHAIN OF COMMAND on THE SHIP, I am the captain. And THE FIRST DUTY of a captain is to help A MAN ALONE. Doctor: Well, well... This is a most UNEXPECTED type of CROSSOVER. If it’s not THE ABANDONED one. Or are you one of the SPIRIT FOLK? Archer: I’m FLESH AND BLOOD. But please excuse my INDISCRETION. I made THE CROSSING to help you IN THE FLESH with THE FIGHT. Kirk: REMEMBER ME, Doctor? IN THEORY, Archer has now finished BREAKING THE ICE. So my presence shouldn’t rouse your SUSPICIONS. Doctor: Ah... The FALLEN HERO... So, you’re done with THE SEARCH for SPOCK’S BRAIN? Maybe he can REMEMBER to do the same for you. Kirk: Did you get up on the wrong side of THE CAGE this morning? Or has your FRAME OF MIND always been in such a STATE OF FLUX? Doctor: YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED... to go WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE and resume your HOLLOW PURSUITS there... Picard: My DEAR DOCTOR, I don’t wish to DRONE on... But I see that you feel LONELY AMONG US. We aren’t your RIVALS. This isn’t a CONSPIRACY. We might seem like STRANGE BEDFELLOWS to you, but if we all UNITED as ONE, we would have THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS! Doctor: It’s nice to see you Q-LESS for once. But I don’t need a CARETAKER or SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME! So MOVE ALONG HOME! Picard: We’re here on an ERRAND OF MERCY. To give you a LIFE LINE! But in RETROSPECT, it feels more like a SAMARITAN SNARE to me. Doctor: This is DOCTOR WHO, not Q WHO! Don’t you grasp the GRAVITY of the situation? The STIGMA of my mixing with THE ENEMY could pass through DOCTOR WHO fandom like a SHOCKWAVE! They’d call for my REGENERATION! You’d ensure my FUTURE'S END! Sisko: We’ve entered into a MINEFIELD. In spite of our ETHICS and IMPULSE to help, we’re not making any PROGRESS. Let him do things HIS WAY. Doctor: Uh-oh... Another EMISSARY from the HATCHERY of STAR TREK. WHEN IT RAINS... Can’t you take your CAPTAIN’S HOLIDAY elsewhere? Sisko: Don’t make me teach you THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR! But if you’ve got a DEATH WISH, I’d love to give you A TASTE OF ARMAGEDDON! Doctor: Watch your mouth! Or the SHATTERED remains of your BODY PARTS will spend more than just A NIGHT IN SICKBAY on LIFE SUPPORT. Sisko: You’re not like DOCTOR BASHIR, I PRESUME? But ONCE UPON A TIME, you took the HIPPOCRATIC OATH to do no harm... Didn’t you? Janeway: Is this A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR? Or can I get A PIECE OF THE ACTION? I’m ready, BODY AND SOUL, to go out in a BLAZE OF GLORY! Doctor: Well, well... Now that THE MANTRAP is here, it seems that THE MENAGERIE is complete. Talk about UNNATURAL SELECTION... Janeway: We should let SLEEPING DOGS lie. I see trouble on the HORIZON, due to his OBSESSION with keeping up his RESISTANCE to us. Doctor: AUTHOR, AUTHOR... You wrote this skit, so you can shut up the BRIDE OF CHAOTICA! THE SOUND OF HER VOICE makes my ears bleed! Janeway: The DOCTOR'S ORDERS are quite clear. He’s shown no REPENTANCE. He’s given us THE BIG GOODBYE. It’s time to go HOME. Doctor: Ah... That would be pure BLISS! And it means that I’ve won the ENDGAME! Maybe now I can finally get back to BUSINESS AS USUAL.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:27:37 GMT
THE STONES OF BLOOD
Romana: Why does Professor Rumford own a police truncheon? Cessair: Beats me. But last year, when she was lecturing in New York, she took it with her in case she got mugged. Romana: Did she get mugged? Cessair: No. She got arrested for carrying an offensive weapon. Romana: Where was she carrying it? Cessair: Well, as DOCTOR WHO is a TV show for kids, I can’t actually tell you. But that’s why it was considered offensive. Romana: I just hope Mary Whitehouse isn’t watching this. But I wonder if the Doctor keeps a police truncheon in his police box. Cessair: I’m sure he’d like to! And I see you’ve got a natural talent for using the odd euphemism. Romana: Euphemism? Is that anything like lesbianism? Cessair: Er... No. But it could be. Mmm... I'll get you, my pretty - and your little dog too! And I don’t mean Mickey! But all you’ve got to remember is there are only three reasons why there are men on Earth. Or on any other world for that matter. And that’s because police truncheons can’t dance, buy drinks or mow the lawn. Romana: Who are you? The Wicked Witch of the West? But ever since I joined the Doctor to find the Key to Time, I’ve noticed that when it comes to a woman’s work, the only part that’s never done is the part she asked a man to do. Trying to get the Doctor to do his bit is like trying to get blood out of a... Er... Forget it. Cessair: That’s right! And you should be aware there are three kinds of men. The intelligent, the handsome and the other ninety-nine per cent of them. But don’t forget, it’s just that ninety-nine per cent that give the other one per cent a bad name. Doctor: Now I know what they meant when they described this story as being female gothic. This is every man’s worst nightmare! Romana: You’re just jealous, Doctor! You’re outnumbered by the superior sex! Doctor: Oh yeah? I'd rather hack my penis off with a rusty razor blade than admit to that. But what makes you think your sex is so superior? Romana: Women can fake orgasms! Doctor: So what? Men can fake entire relationships. But I must admit I’m curious about you, Cessair of Diplos. Cessair: Oh, yes? And why’s that, Doctor? Doctor: You’re clearly a very capable and dangerous woman. During the time you’ve been hiding here on Earth, you’ve adopted many different identities to ensure you were always able to retain control of this part of Boscombe Moor and the circle of stones known as the Nine Travellers. Cessair: Yes, that’s all true. But what’s your point, you hairsplitting hippie? Doctor: Well, why is it, that in all that time, you’ve never thought of changing your name to Servalan, Seska or Suzie?
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:27:59 GMT
THE ANDROIDS OF TARA
(The Doctor and Count Grendel face each other for their climatic clash on top of the battlements of Castle Gracht…) Doctor: Aha... Count Grendel! So you’re the one who’s behind all this! Grendel: Well duh! Of course it was me! Who else could it have been? Did you think this silly little DOCTOR WHO tale was big enough for more than one bad guy? What have you been doing, you free thinking freak? Sleeping? Doctor: Ha, ha, ha... Very droll. And er... Good point, Count. And thanks for making me look stupid in front of the TV viewers! So, what happens now? (Count Grendel takes out a gun from under his robes and aims it straight at the Doctor’s chest…) Grendel: Now, I’m going to kill you. And once you are dead, I will escape to fight another day. And I will live happily ever after. Doctor: Um... But how about if I challenge you to a swordfight? One-on-one! Just you and me. Grendel: Then I would say no to your silly challenge. I would just shoot you right where you stand with my gun. Doctor: What? Are you telling me that you’re afraid to fight me without all your guards to back you up? Grendel: No. I’m just being wise. If I ever gain the upper hand against a foe, I never gloat about his dilemma or give him a chance to fight his way out of his fix. I just kill him. After all, if I’ve won the fight, why would I want to risk letting my foe turn the tables on me? Doctor: Wow... That’s a good reason... But before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this has all been about? Grendel: No. When it comes to killing my foes, I don’t like to waste time telling them all about my grand schemes. I just shoot them. Why would I want to give my foe the chance of gaining the upper hand on me? It just doesn’t make any sense. Doctor: But, Count, don’t you know the meaning of mercy? Grendel: Of course I do. It means to have concern. Or to show care and kindness to a person or to someone that one has power over. But I choose not to show you any. I don’t think that any my rivals deserve to have a last cigarette, a hearty meal or any other type of last request. Doctor: Fair enough... But, Count, aren’t you in fact breaking your own rules by taking the time to tell me all this? Hmm? Grendel: That is quite a good point, Doctor. I’m so glad that we’re both on the same page about this. Goodbye. (Count Grendel pulls the trigger of his gun and shoots the Doctor, who falls to the floor in agony…) Doctor: Ow! That’s going to leave a mark... Grendel: Oh dear. How sad. Never mind. If you wanted sympathy, you should have bought a Hallmark. Doctor: You smart aleck bastard! Thanks for nothing... Argh! (Count Grendel dives into the moat far below and swims away, thereby getting away to fight another day and living happily ever after...)
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:28:26 GMT
THE POWER OF KROLL
(The Doctor and Romana are making their way across the swamp on the third moon of Delta Magna…) Romana: Sorry to bother you, Doctor, but why did we leave K9 in the TARDIS this time? Doctor: You dimwit! In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of a swamp! That wet stuff around your feet is called water. Romana: Oh yeah. Good point. Thank God for that. For a moment there, I thought I’d stuck the tracer in the wrong spot. Or the right one... Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... You seem to put that thing in a different place every time. Romana: Mmm... Not any more, I won’t. I can’t wait until we find the next piece of the Key to Time. Doctor: I know I’m going to regret asking this, but why? Romana: Because the tracer lights up and starts to vibrate when we get near! Doctor: Yep, I knew I’d regret asking. Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... Oh well... Let’s move on. Romana: Oh yeah. So, Doctor, as I was saying before, surely one of us could have carried K9? Doctor: One of us? What do you mean “One of us”? You’re the assistant... So assist! Besides, K9’s becoming a real pain in the arse of late! Romana: So are you, Doctor. But I didn’t leave you in the TARDIS while I went off to explore. So, why do you have such a low opinion of K9? Doctor: In case you hadn’t noticed, he blows up whenever he’s immersed in water! Romana: So what? In case you hadn’t noticed, you blow up whenever you’re immersed in Scotch! Doctor: True. But let’s not forget that fat or stupid bad guys - who are quite unconvincing as bad guys in the first place - always seem to abuse him. Romana: And your point is? Let’s not forget that you are always abusing K9 - and you’ve never been convincing as the hero. Doctor: Oh yeah? Well, just you wait until DESTINY OF THE DALEKS, my girl. Romana: Why? Am I going to get left behind in the TARDIS too in that story? (The huge form of Kroll rises up out of the swamp in front of them and fills the entire horizon of the third moon of Delta Magna...) Doctor: Holy crap! You’ll have to excuse me for a moment, Romana... Romana: Where the hell are you going? Eew! And what the hell’s that horrible smell? I didn’t know the Slitheen family lived on this moon. Doctor: Er... Don’t worry about that. I’m going back to the TARDIS to get that stupid little tin dog. And I don’t mean Mickey! Romana: Are you sure it’s not to change your underwear? And I thought you said - Doctor: I’m sorry, but I can't talk right now. I’m far too busy running away! Romana: My hero...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:28:45 GMT
THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR
Romana: Mmm... I like your body, Astra. Do you mind if I use it? Astra: Um... Thanks for the interest. But I don’t swing that way... Romana: What? No! I didn’t mean it like that! I was only referring to making use of your looks, not you. Honestly… Astra: Yeah right... Of course, there’d be more chance of me believing you if you didn’t have such a disappointed look on your face. Romana: Good point... But I didn’t mean it like that! I was just thinking about what I should look like in my next life. I have to change soon... Astra: You do? Why? Is your body becoming old and worn out? Romana: Are you kidding me? Take a good look at me! My tits are as hard and as pert as ever and my complexion is freaking perfect! Astra: Mmm... True. Maybe I was a bit hasty when I knocked you back. But why are you changing so soon? Are the Time Lords forcing you to do so? Romana: No. But the production team have been giving me the hint ever since the end of THE POWER OF KROLL. Astra: Then why? Do you have some sort of terrible disease that can’t be cured? Romana: Sort of. But the condition only lasts for nine months. I’m pregnant. Astra: Just what the hell have you two been doing with your spare time while you’ve been searching for the Key to Time? Doctor: Hey! Don’t look at me like that! It’s not my fault! I never touched her! Astra: Of course it wasn’t you, Doctor. It must have been that stupid little tin dog. And I don’t mean Mickey... Doctor: Eew! Gross! So, moving on... It wasn’t me! You can trust me, I’m a Doctor. I’d never take a romantic fancy to one of my companions. Grace: Yeah right. Do you want a bet? We end up having a snog... More than once! Rose: Back off, bitch! He’s all mine! Martha: You blonde bimbo! Talk is cheap... And so are you. I get to snog him too! So, get over it! Doctor: Mmm... Well, at least I have good taste in the women I snog. Life is good. Jack: But hang on a moment, Doctor. You’re forgetting about the snog that we have! Romana: Well, Doctor... Our quest to find the Key to Time is over. So now, there’s no more need for that hole I made in the TARDIS control console where you plug the tracer in... Doctor? Doctor? Doctor! Are you listening? Doctor: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was just trying to work out how I’m going to kill a man who cannot die. What were you saying just now? Romana: I was just saying that we’ve found and assembled the Key to Time. So you’ll no longer have any use for my hole... Doctor: Think pure thoughts... Think pure thoughts... Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Romana. And I just hope that Mary Whitehouse isn’t watching this...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:29:04 GMT
DESTINY OF THE DALEKS
Romana 01: It’s time I changed. Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable. (She crosses the console room and disappears from sight through the inner door...) Doctor: Sounds good to me. While you’re at it, why don’t you put on something short and sporty? (A small woman with silver makeup and clad in a blue catsuit, a black sash, a black cape and a silver headdress enters the console room...) Romana (Yvonne Gallagher): What do you think? You said I should put on something short and sporty. Do you like the new me? Doctor: Say, “Hello” to my little friend! When you said you were slipping into something more comfortable, I didn’t realize you meant it quite so literally. They say good things come in small packages. I’m just not so sure I’d describe myself as a good thing... (She crosses the console room and vanishes from sight through the inner door...) Romana (Yvonne Gallagher): This may not have been such a wise choice after all... (An exotic woman with long red hair, clad in a filmy bronze gown and topped off with a fleecy white stole enters the console room...) Doctor: Wow! Check out the fun bags on you! You could breastfeed a crèche! But no thanks. I had XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS as a companion before I met you. Romana (Lee Richards): Good point. Wait here. I’ll be right back. (She crosses the console room and disappears from sight through the inner door...) Doctor: Give my love to Gabrielle. Actually, can I watch you give my love to Gabrielle? (A very tall woman clad in long, plain white robes and with a bandana around her head and a bracelet on her left wrist enters the console room...) Romana (Maggy Armitage): What do you think of me now, Doctor? Doctor: Do you have to be so tall? You’ll probably end up spending most of your time bending over. Or getting down on your knees. Not that I mind either one of those prospects. Romana (Maggy Armitage): Hold onto that thought. I’ll be right back. Er... On second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t hold onto that thought. (She crosses the console room and vanishes from sight through the inner door...) Doctor: I knew you’d say that. You’re such a killjoy! And I thought Mary Whitehouse was a spoilsport. (Romana 02 enters the console room, clad in an exact copy of the Doctor’s costume...) Romana 02: So, what do you think of my choice this time? At least now, I won’t have to kneel down for you. Although I’m sure if I give you half a chance, you’ll be able to come up with some excuse for me doing so. Doctor: How well you know me. But are you done yet? This is DOCTOR WHO, not NEW FACES. And if Mary Whitehouse has been watching this...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:30:24 GMT
CITY OF DEATH
(Romana and Duggan stand in the middle of Professor Theodore Nikolai Kerensky’s laboratory, which is in the cellar of Count Carlos Scarlioni’s mansion...) Duggan: So, this is where THE TIME MEDDLER works, is it? But can you help me solve THE FINAL PROBLEM? Where are all the extra copies of the Mona Lisa? Romana: Hey! I don’t... Oh, you mean... Yes, it is. So, do you know what happened to Professor Moriarty? Duggan: Don’t you mean the Count? This isn’t THE FINAL PROBLEM, despite the Mona Lisa subplot. I thumped his lights out with my bare fists, of course. Romana: Er... Right. Of course. The Count. But it’s your fault. You’re the one referring obliquely to Sherlock Holmes. And what happened to his wife? The Countess? Duggan: Hey! I just mentioned the subplot for the sake of new DOCTOR WHO fans. And I thumped her over the head with a priceless Ming vase. Romana: Good point. They’ve probably got no idea what this story is about. Can you tell me what happened to the Professor? Er... Kerensky, not Moriarty. Duggan: I thumped him over the head with the butt of my gun. Romana: Hmm... I can see a pattern starting to form here. What happened to the butler? Duggan: I thumped him over the head with a chair. Romana: Hmm... Now, I hate to ask you this, but what did you do to the guard? Duggan: What do you think? Romana: I see. I do wish you’d stop thumping people all the time. Duggan: Why’s that? Romana: Because it’s hard for them to tell me what I need to know, if they’re all out cold! Duggan: I guess that’s a fair point. (Romana glances briefly about the laboratory, with a concerned look on her face…) Romana: Er... Duggan. Duggan: What? Romana: Where’s the Doctor? (Later, on the barren plains of a primordial Earth long ago...) Q: Welcome home. Don’t you recognize your old stomping ground? This is Earth, France, three and a half billion years ago, give or take an aeon or two. Smells awful, doesn’t it, all that sulphur and volcanic ash? Anyone who says this was only four hundred million years ago is delusional. I really must speak to the maid. Picard: Home? Q, is there any point to all this? I know we’ve had some interesting adventures together over the years, but ALL GOOD THINGS... Romana: Yes, I’d been wondering about that myself. What’s the point of all this? Duggan, I wish to retract my earlier statement. Feel free to start thumping...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:30:46 GMT
THE CREATURE FROM THE PIT
(Organon enters a large, dank cavern to find Doctor 04 holding one of the creature’s long, dangling green appendages up to his mouth…) Organon: Just what do you think you’re doing with that phallic appendage?! Doctor 04: Er... I was... Um... I was just trying to convey to the creature my friendly intent towards it. Organon: Yeah, I bet you were! You can’t get much friendlier than that. I just hope for your sake Mary Whitehouse isn’t watching this. Doctor 04: Shut up! I’ll have you know I was engaged in the earnest quest for scientific knowledge. Organon: Oh, my bad. I thought you were trying to give the creature a blowjob. Doctor 04: I don’t know what you mean. But I’m sorry, have we met before? Organon: Is that the same pick up line you used on the creature? Or did it use that line on you? Either way, I hope it bought you a drink first. Unless you’ve started giving it away for free. And no, we’ve never met before. And I sincerely hope we never meet again. Touch wood... (Organon reaches out and taps a wooden support strut on the wall of the large, dank cavern for luck.) Doctor 04: Touch who? Or did you mean TORCHWOOD? Organon: Er... No. So, were you able to communicate with the creature? Or at least get it to agree on a price for your sexual favours? Doctor 04: No, nothing works! And I’ve tried everything... Hey! Hang on! What did you just say? Did you just insult me? Organon: Um... No. But I know how you feel. I could almost say you took the words right out of my... No, never mind. Doctor 03: Why do you look so familiar to me as well? Have we met? Do I know you? Organon: Mayhap you do, Worzel. Mayhap you do... Doctor 04: What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Or are you trying to weasel out of giving him a straight answer? Doctor 03: No, don’t tell me. I’m usually pretty good at this sort of game. I’ll figure it out in a moment... Doctor 04: Will that be before or after the cancellation of DOCTOR WHO the first time around? Organon: Buzz quoth the blue fly, hum quoth the bee. Buzz and hum they cry and so do we! So buzz off, Worzel! And take that brain dead bohemian beatnik with you! Doctor 03: Worzel? What sort of stupid name is that? But you really should’ve been born in the Dark Ages. You look terrible in the light. Organon: Hey! I was born in the Dark Ages. Oh, wait... That’s the wrong franchise. And as for stupid names like Worzel, you just wait... Doctor 03: Of course! I’ve got it! You’re a fictional historical character! And you discovered the secret to time travel by accident, didn’t you? Organon: Salmay, Dalmay, Adomay! Yes! And it’s about time! For a moment there, I thought you’d never get it. Doctor 03: Well, of course I did! I told you I would. It’s all coming back to me now. I finally know who you are... You’re THE BLACK ADDER!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:31:10 GMT
NIGHTMARE OF EDEN
Doctor: I know I’ve said it before, Romana, but K9 is becoming a real pain in the arse of late! Romana: Oh, feel free to repeat any of your nonsensical rubbish anytime you wish. I’m completely used to it by now. But why do you say that, Doctor? Doctor: He always complains whenever I beat him at chess! What a stupid little tin dog! And I don’t mean Mickey... Romana: That’s because you always cheat when you play him at chess. And you don’t need to play dumb about it, since it's already a reality. Doctor: I have to win at chess. Then all those inferior TV viewers at home will feel good about themselves. That’s my story - and I’m sticking to it. Romana: Oh really? So you’re claiming that it has nothing to do with the ego of a certain Time Lord who shall remain nameless? Doctor: What the hell are you on about? I’ve remained nameless ever since AN UNEARTHLY CHILD! Hence the name of this TV show! I mean, you don’t really think my mum named me “Doctor” when I was born, do you? Easy now, Romana. Don’t overdo it or let your brains go to your head... Romana: Well, now that I come to think of it... Huh? What? Hey! Wait just a minute! Did you just insult me? Doctor: No. I was just admiring your brains. Both of them! How firm and pert they are... So, K9, can you tell us where and when we are this time? K9: We are on the space liner Empress, in the year 2116, Master. And at least the Mistress does not store her brains in her arse like someone I know. Doctor: What’s wrong with your voice, K9? For some reason, you’ve been sounding sort of different ever since THE CREATURE FROM THE PIT. K9: There is nothing wrong with it, Master. It is simply your imagination. But if you’d actually bothered to pull your head out of your arse and had been paying attention, you would have realized that the change occurred at the start of DESTINY OF THE DALEKS. You brain dead baboon... Doctor: Are you sure? I could swear that you used to sound a bit different... Hey! Wait just a minute! Did you just insult me? K9: No. I was insulting brain dead baboons. Are you as concerned about the fact that you drag me around on a leash every time I run out of power? Doctor: Er... No. But these things can’t be helped, old chap. They’re a necessary part of the average DOCTOR WHO plot. K9: And are you as concerned about the fact that I get my head knocked off by vicious primitives I should have been able to stun with my nose laser? Doctor: Er... No. But that’s because it makes for good TV drama. And we can always stick it back on later. K9: You make me sound like Worzel Gummidge’s dog. And are you as concerned about the fact that I blow up whenever I am immersed in water? Even though an advanced machine like me should be immune to such hazards... Doctor: Er... No. But then again, you’re not exactly Commander Data, you know. K9: And you’re not exactly Captain Jean-Luc Picard, you know. But why are you suddenly so concerned about the fact that my voice sounds slightly different from what it once did? Give it a freaking rest already! Doctor: What? K9, just remember that you weren’t made by Professor Marius. I made you. And that means I can always make another one of you...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:31:35 GMT
THE HORNS OF NIMON
Doctor: I don’t mean to upset you, K9, but for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, you just don’t sound like John Leeson anymore. K9: Er... Look out, Master! There is a Mandrel behind you! Yes! That is right. You are about to be mauled to death by a poor excuse for a Wookiee! (The Doctor spins round swiftly to see what is behind him…) Doctor: What? Where? I can’t see it... Hey! Wait just a minute... This is THE HORNS OF NIMON, not NIGHTMARE OF EDEN. K9: There is a sucker born every minute. Doctor: You stupid little tin dog! And I don’t mean Mickey... (Later, the Doctor and Julian Glover engage each other in polite conversation.) Glover: Now, let me see if I’ve got this straight... You want me to appear in a sequel to CITY OF DEATH. Is that right? Doctor: Er... Sort of. Although technically, this story has no actual connection to it. So, Count, what do you say? Can I count on you, Count? Glover: Oh dear... I was rather hoping you’d resist the temptation to make cheap puns. As for my response to your offer, I’d rather admit to being bisexual and plead guilty to the sin of sodomy. But I suppose it depends. Does this particular tale involve an army of English knights on a religious quest in twelfth century Palestine? Doctor: Oh, I thought you’d already done that as Richard the Lionheart. And no, not at all. It’s got nothing to do with English knights - or the Knights Templar either. Glover: Oh, good. For some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, I’m not too fond of either. Or green spaghetti masks. Or Darth Vader. Or James Bond either. Doctor: Good! Then that’s settled. So, how’s your acting career going? I find for every role like Rasputin, I get one like Donald MacDonald too. Or DOCTOR WHO. Glover: It’s been going quite well - up until now. But I get the feeling my status is about to decline. I just hope the roles that divide my career shall be undone! Romana: What the hell’s going on? I thought this was supposed to be THE HORNS OF NIMON? What’s Julian Glover doing back here? Doctor: We were just enjoying some polite small talk before we start the plot. And since you asked, yes this is THE HORNS OF NIMON. Why? Romana: Well, I thought we’d already beaten him in CITY OF DEATH? Is he planning to reprise his role as the bisexual king or the green spaghetti-headed alien? Doctor: We did. And I’ll get back to you on that other point. Have you taken the time to study the plot, read the script or meet the cast for THE HORNS OF NIMON? Romana: As it happens, yes I have. Um... All right, I see your point. I’ll go find Tom Chadbon. Or maybe John Cleese... (Later still, the Doctor and Romana find themselves confronted by a locked door they must open...) Doctor: Here you go, Romana. Would you like to use my sonic screwdriver so you can unlock and open that door? Romana: No thanks, Doctor. I don’t need it. I made my own sonic screwdriver in the TARDIS workshop just before we began THE HORNS OF NIMON. Doctor: You did? Why? My sonic screwdriver can open a wide variety of locks, can test the minds of people and can even disarm many different types of weapons. Romana: That’s all very nice, Doctor. But your sonic screwdriver only has three power settings. Mine has four! Oh yeah! Mmm... Yummy!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:31:55 GMT
SHADA
Doctor 08: Hi there, Romana. Are you ready to come with K9 and me and join us on our adventure? Romana: Hi there, handsome. Mmm... Yes... I’d love to come with you. Mmm... Any time and any place you want. Mmm... Doctor 08: Well, that’s not quite what I meant. But as I got to snog Grace, it’s pretty clear that the code of conduct in DOCTOR WHO has changed... Doctor 04: Hey! I heard that! You cheating bitch! You just keep your grubby little hands off that whiny wimp! I’m the only Doctor for you! And what the hell are you doing in my story? Doctor 08: What are you on about? Doctor 04: This is my story, not yours! This is SHADA! So get out the hell of here, you bloody thief! Doctor 08: It’s true that this was your story once. But after it was cancelled midway during initial production, it was shelved. Then, after much thought, they decided at last to turn it into a webcast for me. Doctor 04: What the hell are you talking about? Since when has SHADA been cancelled? Since when has the code of conduct in DOCTOR WHO been changed? And since when have you been made the Doctor? And what the hell is a webcast? Is it something you can access on a Prime computer? Doctor 08: Er... By the time SHADA becomes a webcast, Prime computer will be considered more Stone Age than Kal and Za... But that’s the trouble with time travel. Sometimes time is not on your side... And just as there was a Stone Age for Humans, so there was one for DOCTOR WHO... Doctor 04: Just who the hell do you think you’re calling Stone Aged? Doctor 08: Just who the hell do you think I’m calling Stone Aged? You Palaeolithic pain in the arse... Doctor 04: You just wait until that webcast, you whiny little mongrel! Doctor 08: Hey! There’s no need to call me a mongrel! Just because I’m half-Human... (Later, Doctor 04 and Romana stand in an empty TV studio at the BBC, looking around for the rest of the cast and crew...) Doctor 04: So, I was right after all. This is going to be an unfinished TV story. What a shame it won’t be completed. It seemed to have such promise. Romana: That’s true. Well, the BBC strike has made it all a moot point. It doesn’t seem to matter now. But what are you going on about? You weren’t the one who was right. It was - Doctor 04: It was the Doctor who said this would be an unfinished TV story, wasn’t it? And I am the Doctor, aren’t I? But it pisses me right off that SHADA was only half done. Romana: Hmm... I hate to say it, but you’ve got a point there. And I know what you mean about SHADA. It’s like getting cut off in mid sentence. Doctor 04: Quite right! And I was just -
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:32:49 GMT
THE LEISURE HIVE
Tom: Where’s the rest of the cast for SHADA? Have you seen any of them about the place? Lalla: I think they stayed home due to the BBC strike. But to be honest, I don’t have a clue. Tom: Well, that’s par for the course with you, Lalla. What about the production team for SHADA? Where are they? Lalla: To be honest, I don’t have a clue. Tom: Well, that’s par for the... Oh, never mind. So, what are we doing here? And will we ever get to finish SHADA? Lalla: To be honest, I don’t have a clue. I was just following you around... Tom: Yes, I’d noticed that. Do you want to come back to my place and practice your acting skills? I think your dialogue delivery needs a bit of work. Lalla: It is tricky getting my tongue around some of the bigger words. I think I need help with my oral technique. Did you have something specific in mind? Tom: Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve got just the thing for you to practice on. (Later, Romana and K9 are taking a stroll on Brighton Beach.) K9: I came over to see you last night, Mistress. But you were not at home. Romana: Ah... Sorry about that, K9. I was busy. K9: Affirmative, Mistress. So I went over to the Master’s place to see him. And when I got there, I saw the two of you together. Romana: Er... Did you, K9? Um... We were practicing. K9: Affirmative, Mistress. I could see that. It would now seem that you are no longer just my mistress, Mistress. Romana: We were rehearsing for DOCTOR WHO. K9: Negative, Mistress. I had wondered why the two of you did not want me around anymore. Romana: We were! Honest! We were practicing for an upcoming scene in a DOCTOR WHO story! K9: And what DOCTOR WHO story might that be, Mistress? SNAKEDANCE? You were both lucky that Mary Whitehouse wasn’t watching. Mary: But I have been watching - all along. Teatime brutality for tots is fine, but someone having time with a totty for tea is much better. Mmm... Yummy. K9: Oh, my God! You dirty old hag. That is just plain creepy... Romana: K9... Go and fetch the beach ball! (Romana throws the beach ball away and it starts to bounce down the beach towards the water’s edge…) K9: Affirmative, Mistress! I’ll be right back! Romana: I wouldn’t bet on that if I were you, you stupid little tin dog. And I don’t mean Mickey...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:33:03 GMT
MEGLOS
Doctor: Don’t I know you from somewhere? I’m sure I’ve seen you before. Or do I mean later? All right, now I’m confused... Lexa: I’m Lexa. I’m the leader of the Deons. Although I used to travel with you as Barbara Wright. But I know how you feel. I’m a bit confused myself. Doctor: No, don’t tell me. I don’t need any help. I’ll figure it out in a moment. I know I’ve seen you somewhere before... Lexa: Yes, I just told you. I was Barbara Wright once. On second thoughts, you’re not confused - you’re just completely clueless! Romana 02: Don’t worry... You’ll get used to it. He gets like that all the time. I was Princess Astra. Then I became the second Romana. Romana 01: Don’t worry... No one cared! I was Princess Stella while I was still the first Romana. Lethbridge-Stewart: Don’t worry... No one noticed! I was Bret Vyon. At least I was until Jon Pertwee’s ex came along and shot me down in COLD BLOOD. Sara: Meh... You’ll get over it. I was Princess Joanna. I am Sara Kingdom. I will be Morgaine... Benton: Wow! You really get around. But at least neither of you had to wear a mask. I did when I was a Yeti in THE WEB OF FEAR. Harry: You were lucky to have that mask. I was John Andrews in CARNIVAL OF MONSTERS. Everyone got to see just what a dick I was as him! Steven: That might explain your time as John Andrews, but what about your time as Harry Sullivan? And my Doctor kept confusing me with Morton Dill! Doctor: A dick and a dill... Not a very inspiring combination. Now where was I? Of course! I’ve got it now! You were Barbara Wright! So you can’t be Lexa now! Lexa: How nice of you to join us... Yes, I was Barbara. And why don’t you shove a cactus up your... Ah, Meglos! I was just thinking of you. Meglos: Hi there! Is it time yet for me to make my shock appearance? Romana 02: Yikes! Oh, my God! Your appearance is shocking. What the hell’s that stuff all over your face? Acne? Gangrene? Herpes? Meglos: Shut up! Although if it is, then I must’ve caught it off you. But I guess I shouldn’t complain. At least my entrance was a shock. Doctor: But you can’t be Lexa! You were Barbara! That’ll only confuse all the TV viewers. All these doubles running about the place... Barbara: All right... Now forgive me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you the fourth actor to star in the role of the Doctor? And aren’t you the second actor to star in the role of Romana? And K9, aren’t you the second companion to be voiced by the same actor - except for last season when a second actor did your voice for a few TV stories? And in this TV story, Doctor, aren’t you also one of the actors who play the role of MEGLOS? Doctor: Er... Yes. But the Doctor is a Time Lord who can change his body. Romana 02: Er... Yes. But Romana is a Time Lady who can change her body too. K9: Er... Affirmative. But all K9s are robots and can be programmed to have the same voice. Doctor: And yes... I also appear as MEGLOS. But that’s only because he can change his looks and imitate others. Lexa: I see... I think I’m starting to get a headache. And you think I’ll confuse the TV viewers? Oh, piss off! I’m Lexa. And I’m the leader of the Deons!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:34:04 GMT
FULL CIRCLE
Trautman: Hey, John, when are you going to come FULL CIRCLE? Rambo: Huh? What the hell are you talking about? And where the hell did my Buddhist monastery disappear to? Trautman: We didn’t make you this fighting machine. We just chipped away the rough edges. You’re always going to be tearing away at yourself until you come to terms with what you are. Until you come FULL CIRCLE... Doctor: All right! All right! That will be enough. More than enough. You two brain dead gun-toting rednecks are in the wrong franchise! Rambo: Hey! Did you hear that? He said bad things about us both. Should I waste him? He drew FIRST BLOOD. Not me. He drew FIRST BLOOD... Doctor: Oh, crap! Please don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me! I don’t want to change just yet! Romana: We’re trapped in a different universe from our own! If we can’t get the Time Lords to help us, we’ll never be able to escape from E-Space! Doctor: Is that so? Well, I don’t want to burst your bubble, but just how do you suggest we get a message to the Time Lords to ask them for their help? E-mail? Draith: I don’t mean to be a bother, but does anyone know what the name of this TV story is? Garif: I think it’s FULL CIRCLE. But don’t blame me. I don’t even know what that means or what it’s got to do with the plot. Draith: Hmm... I wonder who decided on that name. It was a lousy decision. It just doesn’t make any sense. That’s it... I’m out of here! Argh…! (Decider Draith falls to the floor - stone cold dead…) Tremayne: What the hell’s going on? What just happened? Hey! Hang on a moment... This isn’t THE CHAMPIONS. Garif: I think he decided he didn’t like this story and that he didn’t want to be in it. Nefred: A wise decision. So, whom do you think we should pick to replace him? I’m not sure if I can decide. I guess we could pick Login... Garif: All right. That seems like a wise decision to me. Login, would you want to be a Decider? Login: All right. I’ve decided I’d like to give it a try. Nefred: A wise decision. I don’t mean to be a bother, but does anyone know what the name of this TV story is? Login: I think it’s FULL CIRCLE. But don’t blame me. I don’t even know what that means or what it’s got to do with the plot. Nefred: Hmm... I wonder who decided on that name. It was a lousy decision. It just doesn’t make any sense. That’s it... I’m out of here! Argh…! (Decider Nefred falls to the floor - stone cold dead…) O’Neill: What the hell’s going on? What just happened? Hey! Hang on a moment... This isn’t STARGATE SG-1. Login: I think he decided he didn’t like this story and that he didn’t want to be in it. Palin: Good evening, everyone. My name’s Michael Palin - and I think we’ve just come FULL CIRCLE.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:34:19 GMT
STATE OF DECAY
(The Doctor, Romana and K9 look up at the scene on the scanner screen in the console room of the time ship.) Doctor: It seems we’ve landed in a forest. And it seems to be very quiet out there. Romana: Yes, it does look quite lovely out there. But I’m sure danger lurks behind every bush and tree. Doctor: Oh, of course it does. This is DOCTOR WHO after all. Maybe we should go outside for a stroll? Then we can expose ourselves to it. Romana: What the hell are you on about? Are you for real? What are you? Some sort of head case? Doctor: Well, yes... I suppose I am. I’ve never given it much thought. But have you got a better idea of how to get the plot of this TV story moving along? Romana: Um... Good point. And as I was just saying, what a wonderful idea! That’ll really get the plot to this TV story moving along! Doctor: You really are an obedient little sheep, aren’t you? You just follow my lead without any thought... Romana: Well, yes... I suppose I am. I’ve never really thought about it. Why? Do you want me to stop being like that? Doctor: Not at all. In fact, I’ve got half a mind to marry you. Maybe that Prime Computer was onto something after all. Romana: Well, we’d be a good match then. I only have half a mind to call my own. K9: If the two of you are quite done with sorting out your domestic situation... Warning! There is danger present! Doctor: Yes, K9. We’ve figured that part out. Weren’t you listening to us at the start of this skit? But are you sure? I can’t see anything wrong... K9: Affirmative, Master! There is danger present! Great danger! We should leave here at once! Doctor: Oh well... As this is a DOCTOR WHO story, I’m not really that shocked by that. Something bad is bound to happen to us sooner or later. K9: Warning, Master! The danger is moving closer to this location! Doctor: Have you ever noticed that no matter where or when we go, there’s always trouble? Romana: Yes, I wonder why that is? We never seem to get a moment’s peace. Doctor: For my part, I blame those damn writers! I reckon they just don’t like us. (The internal door of the console room promptly opens and Adric comes in…) K9: Warning, Master! The arrival of the danger at this location is imminent! Doctor: What do you mean, K9? It’s only Adric. K9: Exactly, Master! It is essential that you throw that whiny little turd overboard without delay! Adric: Shut up, you stupid little tin dog! And I don’t mean Mickey. Mickey: Hey! Will you all cut that out? I get enough of that crap from my Doctor and Rose!
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:34:36 GMT
WARRIORS’ GATE
Doctor: Well, I guess it’s time for us to say goodbye. You were the knob worthiest Romana of them all! Romana: Knob worthiest? Don’t you mean “Noblest”? And when you say, “Knob worthiest”, what exactly do you mean? Doctor: Er... Nothing. Don’t worry about it. And you can keep that stupid little tin dog. And I don’t mean Mickey! See ya! Romana: Hey! Hang on a moment... I want to know what context you were using. Was it biblical by any chance? Well, Doctor? Hello? Where’d he go? (Later, Romana, K9 and Biroc watch as the TARDIS leaves E-Space…) K9: Elvis has left the building! Er... I mean the TARDIS is now gone from my sensors. It has returned to N-Space. Romana: That’s so bloody typical of the man! He’d rather exit the entire universe than give me a straight answer to a simple question! K9: Affirmative, Mistress. Now, we have a lot of work to do. This unit contains all the necessary plans and schedules to reconstruct a duplicate craft. Romana: Excellent! That means we can build our own TARDIS! Then we can travel around through E-Space! K9: I just said that, you posh bimbo. We can help Biroc to free all the Tharils from slavery. Romana: And then we can have lots of other adventures in E-Space! I’m sure we’ll make a good team, K9! K9: Affirmative, Mistress. We might even get our own spin-off TV show. Romana: Well, now that you mention it, I was just thinking that I’d rather make an audio adventure series. We could call it GALLIFREY. K9: Negative, Mistress. We should make a TV show and call it K9 AND COMPANY. Romana: Don’t be so silly! Who’d be dumb enough to make a TV show with a name that lame? JN-T: Well, now that you mention it, I’ve got a small confession to make. Romana: I see... It seems I stand corrected. And you can shut up, you stupid little tin dog. And I don’t mean Mickey! But I guess there are worse things than starring in a TV show named after my co-star. It’ll just be business as per usual... Sarah: Guess again, you posh bimbo. In K9 AND COMPANY, I’ll be the company! So, I bet you feel like a bit of a fool right now, don’t you? K9: And don’t you get too far ahead of yourself either. I can foresee a time when the company will be entirely expendable. And then, it will just be K9! (Later still, the Doctor and Adric stand in the console room of the TARDIS...) Adric: Will Romana be all right? Doctor: Will who be all right? What are you talking about? Adric: Romana. You know, the woman we just left behind in E-Space. Will she be all right without us? Doctor: Sorry, but I don’t recall the name.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:35:04 GMT
THE KEEPER OF TRAKEN
Master 04: I’m so glad you three chaps could join me. I’ve got something to discuss with you that is vital to the future of us all... Master 01: You’re quite welcome, Anthony. And just how can we be of service to you? Master 04: As you would have no doubt noticed, Roger, we’re always getting our butts kicked by the Doctor. Master 01: Yes! I went through that eight damn times! That lucky bastard has had it far too easy for far too long. Master 02: But I’ve only loss once to the Doctor. I mean, it’s not as if I’m some sort of sad recurring loser... Master 03: Of course not, old chap. Of course not... And the same here. But to be fair, both Peter and I have only met him once each. Master 01: I’m sorry, but who are you? Master 03: I’m Geoffrey Beevers. And strictly speaking, I most likely play the same Master as Peter Pratt does. But the jury’s still out on that. Master 01: What? I bet that sort of thing never happened to the Doctor! Master 04: Ah... But it did. Richard Hurndall stood in for William Hartnell in THE FIVE DOCTORS. Master (Jonathan Pryce): Hmm... A “Willy” and a “Dick”? So that’s why the first Doctor was such a prick! Master 04: So I thought we should pool all of our skills and talents together. Then we could put paid to the Doctor once and for all! Master 01: That is a great idea! You’re a credit to my legacy, my boy! I’m sure we need never fear failure again! Master 05: Ah... I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I’m Gordon Tipple. I’m the Master who replaces Anthony Ainley. But I only get to do one scene. And in any case, I get exterminated by the Daleks in that scene... Master 06: I know that doesn’t sound promising, but it’s okay. Gordon then turns into me! Master 01: Huh? But you’re an American, aren’t you? Master 06: Yep! I surely am! My name’s Eric Roberts. Ain’t it just swell? Master 01: What? No... Not an American! Anyone but an American! No...! Master 07: There’s no need to panic, old chap. In time, I take over as the Master. But I’ve got no idea about who I am for most of that time. Master (Derek Jacobi): Well, you’re a forgetful old fart, aren’t you? You’re not related to William Hartnell, are you? And as for your performance in UTOPIA, it wasn’t nearly as animated as mine was in SCREAM OF THE SHALKA. Master 07: Oh very droll. But I found your performance just a tad too robotic. You’re not related to Edmund Warwick, are you? Master 08: And then at last, after all that, I shall become the Master. A manic Master to fight a manic Doctor! Master 01: I see. And now that I’ve had a glimpse of my own future, I’m in grave danger of becoming a manic-depressive...
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 24, 2018 8:35:34 GMT
LOGOPOLIS
(The broken and limp remains of the Doctor lay on the ground beneath the radio telescope from which he has just fallen.) Adric: Hey! Maybe the Doctor's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned! I could try to revive him with the kiss of life... Nyssa: What? You sad little pervert! Get your own root! Tegan: Yeah... We've got a corpse on the ground in front of us and your first thought is to sexually molest it! Adric: Eew! I’d never do anything like that! Although now that you mention it... Tegan: I knew it! Master: Your big moment has finally come! Are you ready to join with the Doctor and help him to change once more? Watcher: It’s been a long time coming, but ALL GOOD THINGS... Master: What? This isn’t STAR TREK, you poofy puffball! But I’d have thought you’d be quite keen to get in there and do your bit. Watcher: I am... But I’m just not that sure I want to change into Tristan Farnon. The guy is such a wimp. And he’s weird too... Master: Yeah... I don’t blame you. He has spent far too much time on his own, with his arm stuck up cows’ bums. But have you got any better ideas? Watcher: Hmm... I could change into an unstable homicidal maniac who dresses up like a dyslexic rainbow. Master: You can’t do that. This is DOCTOR WHO, not some sad sort of pantomime. At least not yet. Watcher: In that case, how about if I change into a manipulative little twerp who no one can take seriously in a dramatic situation? Master: Hang on just a moment... I thought Adric was a companion? Watcher: I said, “Twerp”, not “Turd”. But I can see why you might mix those two up. How about a young chap who is tall, dark, handsome and - Master: Oh, yes! This young chap you speak of sounds promising. And good call on the twerp and the turd... Watcher: And half-Human. Hmm... And I thought Peter Davison was a bit of a mongrel... Master: A young chap who is half-Human? Don’t be silly! We’re talking about the Doctor, not Mister Spock! Or me... Watcher: Then how about a bloke who’s a real fugly, has big ears and dresses like a rent boy? Master: You know, if I looked like a walking marshmallow, I’d be careful about who I insulted. But no, this is DOCTOR WHO, not QUEER AS FOLK. Watcher: No... It’s not. But just wait until RTD takes charge. Well, there’s always that other young chap who is tall, thin, nerdy and a bit limp-wristed... Master: Limp-wristed? It sounds like we’ve just come FULL CIRCLE back to Tristan Farnon. Watcher: In that case, it’s decided. And it’s about time! It’s been seven long years! I was starting to think that bohemian beatnik would never leave... Doctor: Hey! I’m not dead yet! I’m just resting my eyes! Oh, all right. It’s the end... But the moment has been prepared for...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:25:36 GMT
CASTROVALVA
Master: Ah... Doctor! I've been waiting for you. Now we can have our chat. We should let the TV audience in on the plot. So, we meet again at last! Doctor: At last? What do you mean? In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been fighting like cat and dog for the last two TV stories! Master: Good point. Well, moving on... The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the apprentice. Now, I am the Master. Adric: What do you mean? You’ve always been known as the Master. So I fail to see the worth of this latest piece of drivel. Master: Er... Forget it. Next time, I think I’ll steal my quotes from a better source. STAR TREK I think... Nyssa: Sounds good to me. So, are you telling us that you went through all this hard work just to set up the trap of CASTROVALVA just to get us? Master: Yes! It took me a long time and it was a lot of hard work, but it was a labour of love! Tegan: A labour of love? You really need a girlfriend... And you did this just in case the TARDIS survived the plunge into Event One? And we didn’t die? Master: Yes! I like to be thorough when I make my plans. I don’t like leaving any part of them to chance or luck. Adric: And you set that up in case the Doctor didn’t die after his fall from the radio telescope on Earth? What were you just saying about chance or luck? Master: Well, there are exceptions to every rule... But as I said, I like to plan ahead. Then I can deal with any likely outcomes that might arise… Nyssa: So you set that up when your bid to kill the Doctor by shrinking his TARDIS failed? Master: Well, the reason why that didn’t work was - Tegan: After your plot to frame him for the murder of my shrunken aunt failed? And what is it with you and shrinkage...? Master: That’s why I won’t allow someone as chaotic or cruel as a female into my life. But I never really thought of that as a proper bid to - Adric: When your plan to get the Doctor to materialize his TARDIS around your TARDIS failed? Just like it did in THE TIME MONSTER... Master: Well, I guess you could put it like that - Nyssa: What’s wrong? Are you short on new schemes? And you did that when your bid to take over his body in your TARDIS didn’t work? Master: All right! There’s no need to rub it in. Adric: And you did that when you could not become THE KEEPER OF TRAKEN, as you had hoped to? Master: All right! All right! Now you’re just picking on me... Nyssa: After your bid to get him and Adric put to death for attacking the last Keeper of Traken failed? Master: Now that I think about it, the holes in my plots are bigger than the inside of the TARDIS! Doctor: Oh yeah... And you just make it all up as you go along, don’t you? So, have we missed out on any of your failures so far? Master: Er... No. Would you please excuse me? I think I’m going to cry...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:25:57 GMT
FOUR TO DOOMSDAY
Adric: So, Doctor... Could you please tell me what the name of this TV story means? Four what? Doctor: Four what? What the hell do you mean, Adric? I don’t get it. Tegan: Yeah, you nancy boy bitch! What does the name refer to? Four what? Four days? Four parts? Four heroes? Four inches? Doctor: I’m not quite sure. Just so long as it doesn’t refer to a type of play that you and I are supposed to perform on each other. (Later, Monarch is chatting with his two ministers - Enlightenment and Persuasion.) Monarch: I bought a music CD of Kermit the Frog. On it, he sings IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN. I wrote my name on the cover and put it next to my bed on my nightstand. But when I woke up this morning, it was gone. I want it back. Do I make myself quite clear? Enlightenment: Yes, your Majesty. You are quite clear. Persuasion: Of course, your Majesty. You are very clear. I’m sorry I didn’t ask your leave to use it. Monarch: Good! I’m so glad that we’re all on the same page about this. Now, where were we? Persuasion: With the help of these four people, your plans for the conquest of Earth can go ahead, your Majesty. Enlightenment: You will be able to use them to win over the hearts and minds of the people of Earth, your Majesty. (Monarch turns his attention to the four people who stand in front of him.) Monarch: Are you Human, Doctor? Doctor: In DOCTOR WHO, it is made quite clear that I’m half-Human. But it might be best if we don’t go there. And as for HUMAN NATURE... Monarch: HUMAN NATURE? But I thought you just said you were a mongrel? Hmm... And how about you, Adric? Are you Human? Adric: No, your Majesty. In FULL CIRCLE, it is made quite clear that I’m an Alzarian. Doctor: And ever since then, you’ve made it quite clear that you’re a pain in the arse! Monarch: Hmm... And how about you, Nyssa? Are you Human? Nyssa: No, your Majesty. In THE KEEPER OF TRAKEN, it is made quite clear that I’m a fairy princess. Doctor: Mmm... The perfect concubine. Er... I mean companion! I would never do anything tactless or tasteless with one of my companions... Monarch: What? Are none of you Human? Tegan: Yeah, Kermit. I’m Human... Do you, Fozzie or Miss Piggy have a problem with that? And how is it, that all of a sudden, not only can I speak an Aboriginal language? But the right one out of over three thousand or more? And one that’s at least thirty-five thousand years old? Doctor: Just lucky, I guess. And I’ve got a problem with you. But no one ever listens to me. As for your second question, I’ll explain later.
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