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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:26:15 GMT
KINDA
(The Doctor, Adric and Nyssa stand side by side in front of the TARDIS on Deva Loka.) Adric: All right... Now I know that I might regret asking this, but why does no one like me? Doctor: Where do I start? How much time have you got to spare? Would you like that list in alphabetical or chronological order? Adric: What do you mean? Doctor: Well, you’re starting to worry Nyssa and me, you chubby chump. Adric: I am? What about Tegan? What does she think of me? Nyssa: Well, unless you like being compared to a boil full of puss, you probably don’t want to know... But so what? She hates everyone anyway. Adric: That’s true. She’s so nasty she could make a Klingon cry. And Klingons don’t have tear ducts. But please go on. Doctor: Well, since I’ve known you, you’ve sided against me with bloodthirsty vampires in THE STATE OF DECAY... Adric: That’s not my fault! Camilla said that she wanted to suck me dry. I didn’t know she meant my blood! Nyssa: All right... That’s a fair point. But then you teamed up with a complete psycho in CASTROVALVA... Adric: He said that he was the Master. And I found his gimp suit and vibrator collection hard to resist. Nyssa: I really didn’t need to know that. And then there was that mentally unstable frog in FOUR TO DOOMSDAY... Adric: Tegan said he was Kermit the frog. I thought that he could get me onto THE MUPPET SHOW. I’ve got a thing for Miss Piggy. Nyssa: I won’t ask why. And then you sided with a raving lunatic in this story. Adric: Hindle threatened me with punishment and torture. It was an offer too good to refuse. Nyssa: Now you are starting to worry me. Since when have you been curious about dominance and submission? Adric: Since about the same time as Tegan made the Doctor her bitch. Doctor: Yes. Well, that’s four times in eight stories. You’ve sided against me fifty per cent of the time! Adric: Someone should give you a gold star for mathematical excellence. But what’s your point? Doctor: I thought you were supposed to be on my side? Don’t you want to be my friend? Adric: I’d sooner crash and burn on a doomed space freighter. Doctor: That can be arranged. They say there’s no substitute for talent, but you seem to have found something. I can’t wait until EARTHSHOCK. Adric: You neurotic nancy boy bitch! Stop your whining and get a life! But why do I suddenly get the feeling that I don’t have enough life insurance? Doctor: Well, you’re smarter than the average rock. So hold onto that feeling...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:27:07 GMT
THE VISITATION
Doctor 05: Do you mind if I ask you just how you got Tegan to shut up? I’ve been trying to do that ever since I first met her. Terileptil: Oh, not at all. It was really quite simple. I just fitted her with a mind control bracelet. Doctor 05: Damn! I wish I’d thought of that! But to be honest, I didn’t know that she had one. Terileptil: I bet you do. But I can see why you never knew she had a mind. She never shuts up long enough to use it. She really is a mouth on legs! Doctor 05: Oh yeah. You’ve got that right! It’s just a shame that the description is more promising than the reality. So, where’s Adric? Terileptil: Oh, he managed to escape and left Tegan behind. Doctor 05: That’d be right. He really is a pain in the arse. But I have been tempted to do the same thing myself, once or twice. Terileptil: I know the feeling. But to be honest, if he hadn’t escaped all by himself, I think I would have helped him. Just to get rid of him. How do you put up with such a whiny turd? Doctor 05: It’s not easy. Normally, I have to put some devices into my ears that are specially made to filter out the sound of his voice. Terileptil: Really, Doctor? And what are these special devices that you speak of? Maybe I could get a set made. It would be worth it. Doctor 05: My fingers... But don’t worry - Adric’s time will come soon enough. Just between you and me, he’s going to end up being left behind on a flying bomb. But please don’t tell him what I told you. Terileptil: Oh, there’s no need to worry. I wouldn’t dream of it. And I’m sure you’ll get a real blast out of it! Doctor 05: Oh yeah. But not as big as the one that he’ll get! Terileptil: Oh well... Time’s moving on. I guess we should press on with the plot. Drop the sonic device... (Doctor 05 drops his sonic screwdriver onto the floor of the cell and the Terileptil destroys it with his energy weapon.) Doctor 05: You’ll be sorry you did that. Terileptil: I don’t see why, Doctor. I’m the one with the energy weapon. You’ve got nothing. You’re totally unarmed... (Doctor (Joanna Lumley) promptly comes out of nowhere, spins the unwary Terileptil round and kicks him in the groin...) Doctor (Joanna Lumley): You swine! That had three power settings! Terileptil: Ow! You crazy bitch! What the hell do you think you’re doing?! That hurt! Doctor 05: I told you that you’d regret doing that. And it might be hard to believe this, but she’s even worse than Tegan. Terileptil: Of course, you do know that it’s totally illogical to assume that my species keeps its genitals in the same place that Humans do? Doctor (Joanna Lumley): Yeah, right... Thanks for pointing that out, Spock...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:28:46 GMT
BLACK ORCHID
Adric: I don’t get it. Why am I so hated by my fellow time travellers? And the TV viewers at home? Is it just because I sided with some Vampires, the Master, Monarch and Hindle by mistake? I didn’t know they were the bad guys! I didn’t go against my Doctor on purpose. Lee: Me neither. When I did my only DOCTOR WHO story, no one told me that the Master was the bad guy! Adam: It was the same for me too. I didn’t go out of my way to get my Doctor or Rose into a mess in THE LONG GAME. Doctor 05: The three of you should have taken the time to pay more mind to the script rehearsals and complained before it was too late. Adam: But I did do that and I did complain to RTD. But he told me that it didn’t matter. I wasn’t Rose and it was in the script... Doctor 05: Meh... Please refer to my last statement, Adric... Er... Adam. Adric: And now I hear that they’re going to write me out in the next TV story! That’s so unfair! I only got to be in eleven! Doctor 05: What’s so bad about that, Adric? You still had a longer run than what some Doctors have had. Adam: Good point. But I only lasted for two! Doctor 09: That was still one too many if you ask me! Doctor 05: As I said before, Adam, you still had a longer run than what some Doctors have had. Lee: We heard you the first time. But what about me? I only got to be in one! Adric: It must really suck to be you… Doctor 05: What’s so bad about that, Lee? You still had as long a run as... Um, just refer to my last statement. Lee: I guess it serves me right for choosing to appear with the George Lazenby of DOCTOR WHO. Doctor 08: Hey! Do you mind, Lee? I don’t think I like the sound of that... Lee: Meh... Do I look like I care? Adric: I know this is DOCTOR WHO and that you’re the main character, Doctor, but why can’t I get a bit more of the limelight? Doctor 05: All right... I’ll make sure that happens by the end of the next TV story. I promise... Adric: And I want the chance to be more brave and heroic than what I normally am. Doctor 05: You want to be brave and heroic? Well, I have to admit that’s a novel idea. Adric: And when I do finally have to leave, can we at least make a big deal out of it? I mean I’d rather go out with a bang than a whimper. Doctor 05: Oh, don’t worry, Adric. I can definitely promise you that... Adric: All right then.
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:29:04 GMT
EARTHSHOCK
Tegan: Well, you’ve just had a nasty spat with Adric about him wanting to go back home to E-Space. So is it time yet, Doctor? Doctor: No. It’s not quite time just yet. But it’s not long to go now. Just wait for my sign. But don’t tell Adric... Adric: Huh? What’s going on? What are the two of you going on about? Doctor: Oh, it’s nothing, Adric. It’s nothing. (Later, the Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa, Adric, Scott and Professor Kyle stand together in the underground cave system on Earth...) Nyssa: Well, we’ve just beaten those two deadly androids and found the secret hatch that hides the bomb. So is it time yet, Doctor? Doctor: No. It’s not quite time just yet. But it’s not long to go now. Just wait for my sign. But don’t tell Adric... Adric: Huh? What’s going on? What are the two of you going on about? Doctor: Oh, it’s nothing, Adric. It’s nothing. (Later still, the Doctor, Tegan, Nyssa, Adric, Scott and Professor Kyle stand together in the console room of the time craft...) Kyle: Well, we’ve just landed on the space freighter that’s sitting way out in the middle of deep space. So is it time yet, Doctor? Doctor: No. It’s not quite time just yet. But it’s not long to go now. Just wait for my sign. But don’t tell Adric... Adric: Huh? What’s going on? What are the two of you going on about? Doctor: Oh, it’s nothing, Adric. It’s nothing. (And later still, the Doctor, Adric, Scott, Briggs, Berger, the Cyber Leader and the Cyber Lieutenant stand together on the bridge of the space freighter...) Cyber Leader: Well, the space freighter is now rushing towards the planet Earth and certain doom. So is it time yet, Doctor? Doctor: Yes! Now it’s time! Let’s get the hell out of here! Cyber Lieutenant: All right! Let’s go! Let’s get out of here! (The Doctor, the Cyber Leader and the Cyber Lieutenant rush into the time ship and it vanishes...) Adric: Huh? What the hell’s going on? I can’t believe that the Doctor would just leave me like that. Briggs: Don’t worry, Adric. We won’t leave you. We’ll stick with you right until the very end. I promise. Berger: Well, the escape pod is ready to be launched. So that means we can now get off this space freighter. So, is it time yet, Lieutenant Scott? Scott: No. It’s not quite time just yet. But it’s not long to go now. Just wait for my sign. But don’t tell Adric... Adric: Huh? What’s going on? What are the two of you going on about? Scott: Oh, it’s nothing, Adric. It’s nothing. Heh, heh, heh...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:29:27 GMT
TIME-FLIGHT
(The Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa have just seen the space freighter crash into Earth and blow up…) Nyssa: The space freighter that Adric’s on just hit Earth! It blew up! Doctor: Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark. Er... Sorry. I meant to say, “Oh, my God”! Nyssa: I know! It’s awful! But after the last DOCTOR WHO skit, do you really think anyone will find our sorrow over the death of Adric credible? Doctor: Yeah... You’ve got a point. But it wiped out the Cybermen and all those poor dinosaurs. Oh and Adric too. Still, every cloud has a silver lining. Nyssa: We could always travel back in time. Then we could save him before the space freighter hit Earth. Doctor: I’m sorry, but we can’t do that. IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME, I would be Cher. But I am a Time Lord and I must obey the Laws of Time. Nyssa: So that means we can’t go back and save him. But why is it against the Laws of Time? Doctor: Well, it’s not... But it is against the laws of common sense to do so. After all, we’ve got rid of him at last. One down and one to go... Nyssa: That’s a good point about Adric. But what did you mean with your other comment? Doctor: Well, if we can get rid of Adric, we can get rid of Tegan too. It’s just a shame they couldn’t both have been left behind on that space freighter. Nyssa: Another good point. Tegan’s not as bad as they say... She’s worse! She is proof that Humans descended from apes! Tegan: Hey! You wibbly-wobbly bitch! I heard that! (Later, the Doctor and Nyssa stand next to the TARDIS at Heathrow Airport...) Doctor: Well, everyone has been brought safely back home in the Concorde. Nyssa: Yes, Doctor. And you’ve beaten my daddy... Er... The Master! Doctor: Um... Yeah. At least until the next time. Nyssa: Um... Yeah. Wow, Doctor! You really are in the zone of late when it comes to making good points. (The Doctor suddenly sees something off in the distance that scares him a great deal…) Doctor: Uh-oh... Time for me to make another good point. Quick, Nyssa! Into the TARDIS! We have to leave right now! Nyssa: Why? What’s the rush, Doctor? Is it the Master? Or the Plasmatons? Or the airport security guards? Doctor: No, no and no... But if you must know, Tegan’s coming back! Nyssa: Uh-oh... But as I said, you really are in the zone of late when it comes to making good points. Quick, Doctor! Into the TARDIS! (The Doctor and Nyssa rush inside the TARDIS and it disappears just as Tegan runs up to it…) Tegan: Rabbits! Hey! Come back here, you timey-wimey bitch! If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he didn’t like me...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:29:45 GMT
ARC OF INFINITY
Doctor: For some strange reason, you look familiar to me. Have we met before? Or later for that matter? Maxil: Well, well... If it isn’t the Dish of the Day. But I don’t know what you mean, Doctor. I’m sure it’s just your overactive mind. Doctor: Oh yeah? So, why does it feel like there’s someone walking over my grave whenever you’re near me? Maxil: Er... No reason. It’s just a twist of fate. Or as I said before, it’s just your overactive mind. Would I lie to you? Doctor: Would you lie to me? Is Jar-Jar Binks an irksomely incomprehensible computer generated image? And if my mind is overactive, then your malice is overworked! You’ve tried to kill me twice... And we’re only halfway through this TV story! You make Darth Vader look like MARY POPPINS! Maxil: Hmm... You have a point there. But I can assure you I was just doing what I was told. Doctor: First, you shot me down at point blank range at the end of part one... Maxil: As I said before, I was just doing what I was told. Doctor: Then you tried to terminate me at the end of part two! Maxil: Please read my last statement. I have nothing new to add to it. Doctor: Why do you keep trying to kill me? If I didn’t know better, I’d be tempted to think that you’ve got some sort of grudge against me. Maxil: Is Darth Vader the biggest, baddest, blackest asthmatic in the galaxy? Doctor: Touché... But that’s still no reason for you to act like Darth Vader with a Ewok jammed up his arse! Maxil: Well, believe it or not, it was nothing personal. I was just doing what I was told by JN-T. Doctor: What?! That’s absurd! There is no way in the world I could ever believe JN-T has it in for me! Tegan: I’m back! Doctor: On the other hand... Tegan: Oh, Doctor... It’s so good to see you! I missed you so much. I was so worried about you. I’m just so glad to see that you’re safe and sound... Doctor: All right, who are you and what have you done with the real Tegan? Tegan: Oops... My bad. I was reading from Nyssa’s part of the script. Doctor: Uh-huh... I see. Why does that not surprise me? Tegan: Shut up, you airy-fairy bitch! Or I’ll slap the snot out of you... Doctor: Ah... Now that’s more like it. Welcome back, Tegan. But there should have been another way... Neo: And I thought Trinity was a bitch... You have my complete and utter sympathy! Now, could you please point me in the direction of THE MATRIX?
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:30:09 GMT
SNAKEDANCE
Nyssa: I’m starting to feel quite afraid of Tegan. She’s been a real bitch of late. Doctor 05: I’m quite afraid of Tegan all the time! And the fact she’s a bitch is news in what way? Nyssa: No... I mean I’ve started to feel afraid of her just of late! She’s been worse than normal. Doctor 05: Oh? I hadn’t noticed. But I find it hard to believe she could get any worse... Nyssa: I hope you’re not serious. And you said the Mara came from the dark places of the inside... Does that have something to do with the astral plane? Doctor 05: Of course not! I told you I’m afraid of her all the time, didn’t I? And the dark places of the inside aren’t like that. So they’re not SNAKES ON A PLANE. Nyssa: Her fiendish stare. Her cruel grin. Her harsh voice. They all merge as one to give a sense of almost... Demonic evil. Doctor 05: I know! That’s why I’ve always been afraid! I think she’s still pissed off at us for dumping her at the end of TIME-FLIGHT. Nyssa: She’s been so mean and nasty to me! Doctor 05: Yes. Well, don’t forget that she is an Aussie... Nyssa: Fair point. But I still think some sort of alien force has taken her over! Of late, she’s been acting... Wicked. Doctor 05: Oh, my God! You don’t think she could be pregnant, do you? Nyssa: Don’t be daft! RTD’s not in charge of DOCTOR WHO just yet. Doctor 05: Oh yeah... Good point. For a moment there, I was worried. Maybe it’s that time of the month for her... Tegan: Hey! You namby-pamby bitch! I heard that! Doctor 03: Hi there. Is this the story where a large blue crystal must be put back in its rightful place in a cave? And is it the one where a foe reveals itself in a form which many people fear? And is it also the one where one of my friends has their mind taken over by this fiendish foe? And will the search for a solution to this tale involve the help of a strange old mystic? And will this strange old mystic help me to conquer my fear? Doctor 05: Er... Yes. It is. But I’d just like to point out to you this - Doctor 03: Then I’m here to use that blue crystal to fight off the evil fiend and save my friend from being possessed! Doctor 05: All right. But I’d just like to point out to you that this isn’t PLANET OF THE SPIDERS. It is in fact KINDA... Er... I mean SNAKEDANCE. Doctor 03: Uh-huh... I see. I couldn’t help but notice you got a couple of story names mixed up just then. So tell me... Doctor 05: Uh-oh. Here it comes... Doctor 03: You thought I was making it all up, didn’t you? When I kept going on about the recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO... Doctor 05: I just knew you’d start up with that crap again. Recurring cycles...? Rubbish! That sounds about as likely as the Brigadier becoming a maths teacher!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:30:26 GMT
MAWDRYN UNDEAD
Doctor: You’re a maths teacher?! You’ve got to be kidding me, Brigadier. Hmm... I think there’s something seriously wrong here! 01 Lethbridge-Stewart: And how is this news? What’ve you been doing? Sleeping? There’s always something wrong in DOCTOR WHO! If there wasn’t, it wouldn’t be DOCTOR WHO! You’re new at this, aren’t you? Doctor: Er... No, not really. But I was once exiled to Earth by the Time Lords. It was in the 1980s. Don’t you remember? 01 Lethbridge-Stewart: Yeah, of course I remember. You always dressed like a real ponce back then. Doctor: Um... Yeah. So, how can we meet here and now? At this boy’s private boarding school in 1983? If you’re still supposed to be in charge of UNIT? 01 Lethbridge-Stewart: Um... Would you believe someone or something has influenced space and time? And has mixed it all up? Doctor: Er... I’d find that very hard to believe. 01 Lethbridge-Stewart: Well, would you believe the production team has screwed up? That they’ve totally stuffed up the continuity of DOCTOR WHO? Doctor: Oh yes, I’d have no problem at all in believing that. That’s just par for the course with JN-T. But there’s one thing I don’t get. When you left the Army in 1977, how the hell did you manage to become a maths teacher? You’re stupider than Jamie! 02 Lethbridge-Stewart: He didn’t... I did. Doctor: Huh? What are you doing here? Don’t you know how risky this is? The two of you here together at the same time, in the same place! 02 Lethbridge-Stewart: Well, I thought it’d be nice to outnumber you for once. Turlough: Would someone please tell me again why I chose to join these fools on this idiotic TV show? Black Guardian: Quiet boy! You have a task to perform for me! And you signed a contract with the BBC! Turlough: Oh yeah. That’s right. Damn it! Doctor: What are you on about, Brigadier? 02 Lethbridge-Stewart: Do you recall THE THREE DOCTORS? Or THE FIVE DOCTORS? Or DIMENSIONS IN TIME? There were always several of you running about, but only ever one of me. So, I thought it’d be nice to have more of me than of you for once. Just to give you a taste of your own medicine! Black Guardian: Turlough! You’re no longer needed! The two Brigadiers will make far better allies for me in my quest to destroy the Doctor! 02 Lethbridge-Stewart: You bet your arse we will! We’ve waited a long time for the chance to get some PAYBACK - Mel Gibson style! Turlough: What? But I thought you were one of the Doctor’s oldest and closest friends? 02 Lethbridge-Stewart: Like hell! From THE WEB OF FEAR to INFERNO, I was a tough and talented soldier. But from TERROR OF THE AUTONS to PLANET OF THE SPIDERS, the rot set in. By ROBOT, I was an utter fool! I didn’t have a single intelligent line of dialogue to call my own! And it was all the Doctor’s fault!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:30:49 GMT
TERMINUS
(Doctor 05 and Tegan race into the console room, where they find Turlough standing at the control console.) Doctor 05: The column’s jammed! That damn stagehand that sits under it and pushes it up and down must have gone off for his coffee break! Turlough: That bastard! But what does that mean for us? Can we still film this scene? Doctor 05: Yeah... But we’ll have to make it up as we go along! And if I don’t do something clever right now, this whole scene could be ruined! (Doctor 05’s hands move swiftly across the control board in front of him and the TARDIS shakes violently - just as Nyssa enters…) Nyssa: What was that, Doctor? Were you able to save us all from death and destruction? Doctor 05: Er... No. Sorry. My mistake... I pressed the wrong button. Sorry about that. Tegan: Oh well... That’s the story of your life. Let me know when something that’s not normal takes place. Turlough: If you can remain calm whilst people all around you are stressing out, then it is quite clear that you have no bloody clue what’s going on! Tegan: Yes, I do! The status quo is quite normal for DOCTOR WHO. I just haven’t bothered to read the script. But then, who does? Nyssa: So, let me see if I’ve got this straight... Either I can choose to stay with the three of you, or I can spend the rest of my life living in a leper colony? Tegan: Yep... That about sums it up. And I’m guessing that the TERMINUS leper colony is looking pretty damn good right about now? (With a loud crash, the TARDIS comes to an abrupt halt up against the side of something solid…) Doctor 05: We seem to have hit something. Turlough: I don’t suppose it could be the plot by some chance? Only you could manage to have a collision out in the middle of nowhere! Doctor 05: The plot? You must be joking! What plot? But, on impending breakup, the TARDIS is designed to lock onto the nearest spacecraft. Tegan: You’ve never mentioned that before. You really are pulling any old crap out of your arse these days, aren’t you? Doctor 05: Don’t start, Tegan. Tegan: What? What did you just say to me, you wishy-washy bitch? Doctor 05: I said, “Brave heart, Tegan”. And I’m not just making it up! It’s just that the writers have never used that particular plot device before. But as we now seem to have arrived at TERMINUS, we might as well get on with the story. I want to see the pilot of this lumbering piece of junk! Doctor 01: Do you mean AN UNEARTHLY CHILD, my boy? If so, then you’re about twenty years too late! Doctor 08: Or do you mean DOCTOR WHO? In which case, you’re about thirteen years too early! Doctor 01: DOCTOR WHO? Eh? What’s he talking about? Doctor 09: Or do you mean ROSE? In which case, you’re about twenty-two years too soon! Doctor 08: You had a pilot too? Just eight years after mine? But that doesn’t make any sense, unless… Oh, I see… Doctor 05: That’s not what I meant when I said I was looking for the pilot. I hear you’re leaving, Nyssa. Is there any chance that I could go with you?
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:31:06 GMT
ENLIGHTENMENT
Turlough: Is it just me, or is this TV story slow and dull? I’m sure I’ve seen continents that drift faster... Doctor: I know! I had more fun on ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL. Turlough: Oh yes? How so? Please enlighten us... Doctor: Well, there was the time that a farmer came to ask me about artificial insemination for his pigs. Turlough: What’s fun about that? That’s sounds about as much fun as having your arm shoved up a cow’s bum in the middle of a Yorkshire paddock! Doctor: It’s funny that you should bring that up, since... Never mind. But I forgot to tell him that the pigs had to be artificially inseminated by other pigs. Turlough: Eew! That is gross! Why the hell didn’t you enlighten him more about what had to be done? Doctor: Meh... Why spoil my fun? Or the pigs’ fun for that matter. Some people said he was not even fit to sleep with a pig. I disagreed. Hee, hee... Turlough: You are one sick little puppy... You do know that, don’t you? But how did you find out about what went on with the farmer and his pigs? Doctor: His ex enlightened me after she left Kermit. And no, his name wasn’t Kermit. But he seemed to have a thing for Miss Piggy and her friends... Turlough: When you say his ex, do you mean his wife or one of the pigs? And I thought the genetically altered pig in ALIENS OF LONDON got screwed! Enlightenment: Excuse me... But is this the sequel to FOUR TO DOOMSDAY? Tegan: No, it’s not. Now why don’t you sod off back to Yoda like a good little cane toad? Enlightenment: Well, I don’t need any more persuasion from you to do that. Monarch: How dare you talk about me like that! I should order you to be put to death at once! Tegan: Oh yeah? And how are you going to do that, Yoda? You and what army? Doctor: That’s no way to treat the leader of an alien species. And certainly not one that’s thinking about the conquest of Earth. Tegan: Shut up, you wibbly-wobbly nancy boy! Or I’ll do to you what farmer Kermit did to Miss Piggy. Doctor: Don't make this any worse than it is. Oh... Look who I’m talking to... Um... Yes, Mistress. I’m sorry, Mistress... Monarch: Why does she talk to you as if you were her bitch? Would you like me to give you a moment alone to write a farewell note to your testicles? Doctor: I’m sorry, your Majesty. She can’t help it. She’s an Australian. When she opens her mouth, it’s just so she can change one foot for the other. Monarch: Australia? That’s one of the nations of Earth, isn’t it? Enlightenment: Yes, your Majesty. I believe that it is. Monarch: Oh crap! Quick! Cancel our plans to invade Earth at once! Persuasion: Yes, your Majesty. An enlightened course of action, if I may say so…
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:31:32 GMT
THE KING’S DEMONS
Doctor 05: All right... Now that we’ve dealt with the Master - yet again - we’re ready for the twentieth anniversary special! Kamelion: You are wrong, Doctor. There is a Dalek story next to end the season. The anniversary special will be after that. Doctor 05: No... Due to a strike by the electricians, the BBC had to cancel it. We’ll have to wait until next year to get rid of Tegan. Tegan: What did you just say, you timey-wimey nancy boy? Doctor 05: Nothing, Mistress. I’m sorry, Mistress. Hmm... Is it just me, or am I slowly starting to sound more and more like K9? Turlough: I wouldn’t know. So, this twentieth anniversary special sounds interesting. Will all of the authentic Doctors be back to appear in it? Doctor 05: Er... Yeah. Of course they will. We’ll be calling it THE FIVE DOCTORS! Doctor (Richard Hurndall): Well, not quite all of the authentic Doctors will be back. I'm Richard Hurndall. I’ll be playing the first Doctor in it. Tegan: But I thought you were the first Doctor? Oh... Hang on a moment. William Hartnell was... Doctor 05: Quite right, Tegan. But we were hoping the TV viewers at home would forget about that fact. At least until you went and brought it up... Tegan: Oops... Sorry about that. But why can’t William Hartnell be in it? Is he ill? Doctor (Richard Hurndall): You could say that. He’s dead. Tegan: Oh, that’s a real shame. I hope he gets well soon. Doctor (Richard Hurndall): Huh? You Aussies really do come from the back of beyond, don’t you? Tegan: Save it for Steve Irwin, you substandard substitute. But what about Tom Baker? I’ve heard he doesn’t want to be in it. Doctor 05: That’s all right, Tegan. We’ll just use some old footage of him from SHADA. That will explain why he’s not in the main part of the plot. Kamelion: Yet another pointless plot device to explain the absence of a Doctor? Just like THE THREE DOCTORS and DIMENSIONS IN TIME? Doctor 05: Er... Yeah. Something like that. And thanks for highlighting that fact, you stupid little tin dog. Er... I meant to say, “Stupid little tin man”... Tegan: In that case, thank JN-T for cancelled DOCTOR WHO stories! And of course, the added bonus is that I get to stay with you until next season! Doctor 05: Um... Yeah. That’s wonderful. I sometimes wonder if I left the wrong companion behind on that space freighter full of Cybermen. Tegan: You really are looking for a good slap, aren’t you? You airy-fairy nancy boy! Just you wait until later, when I’ve got you all alone... Doctor 05: No, Mistress. I’m sorry, Mistress. Please don’t hurt me anymore, Mistress. Turlough: I guess that’s the DOCTOR WHO TV show for you. And you’re right, Doctor. Now that I think about it, you do sound just like K9! K9 01: Hey! I resent that! I was never that much of a lapdog! Kamelion: That was a truly stunning display of cowardly cringing on your part, Doctor. There are jellyfish with more of a backbone than you. You nancy boy...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:31:50 GMT
THE FIVE DOCTORS
Doctor 01: One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then - Doctor (Richard Hurndall): I wouldn’t count on doing that if I were you. In fact, I have news for you about your future as the Doctor - and it’s all bad. Doctor 01: Eh? Oh really? And what might this bad news be? Hmm? Hmm? And while we’re on the subject, just who are you? Hmm? Hmm? Doctor (Richard Hurndall): As it happens, I am the Doctor. The original you might... Er... On second thoughts, it doesn’t matter... Doctor 05: Wow... This is unreal. I could swear I’m seeing double when I look at the two of you. Doctor (Richard Hurndall): Are you out of your freaking mind?! Because if you think that the two of us look anything alike, then you really need glasses. Doctor 02: So this is the twentieth anniversary special, is it? Well, I don’t like it! Doctor 03: And this is news because? And since we’re already on the subject, I don’t like you. So when I say, “Run”, why don’t you piss off? Doctor 05: All I can say is thank JN-T we only hold these reunion stories once every ten years. Doctor 04: I can't take part in this right now. But if what you say is true, then tell me where you’ll be in ten years from now. I'll make sure I'm not there. (Doctor 02 pats his crotch with his hand in a suggestive manner and glares up at Doctor 03 with open hatred.) Doctor 02: And why don’t you try reversing the polarity of this neutron flow, you strutting fop? Doctor 03: Don’t tempt me, little man! And is it Halloween by any chance? Oh... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that was your real face. Doctor 02: Little? Just what are you trying to say, you dandified dabbler? And just how long have you been perving on me while I wasn’t watching? Doctor 04: That’s it! I’m outta here! Let me know when DIMENSIONS IN TIME is on. At least by then half of that double act will no longer be a problem. Doctor 05: But you can’t leave yet! We're travelling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination... Next stop, THE TWILIGHT ZONE! Maxil: Don’t you mean the Death Zone, you voyeuristic vet? And if Borusa wanted you to get to the Dark Tower, why did he put so many obstacles in your way? Doctor 05: You! What are you doing here? Is it my imagination, or are you stalking me? And voyeuristic? Why? Just because I’ve had my arm stuck up a cow’s - Maxil: Don’t even bother finishing that sentence! And you’re just being silly, Doctor. What possible reason could I have for stalking you? You’re just being paranoid. But I’ll tell you more about the importance of my ongoing presence in your life when you visit THE CAVES OF ANDROZANI. Trust me. Would I lie to you? Doctor 05: THE CAVES OF ANDROZANI? Why there? Is it a nice spot for a picnic? Maxil: Er... No particular reason. Oh - and if the Time Lords can offer the Master a new lifespan, then why is Borusa so worried about his own mortality? Doctor 05: Um... Best not to go there. It’ll just open up too many plot discrepancies. Oh, for the good old days, when life was still nice and simple. Maxil: Nice and simple? Just like you, huh? Heh, heh, heh...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:32:08 GMT
WARRIORS OF THE DEEP
(The Doctor and Tegan are trapped in an airlock of Sea Base Four, which is under attack from an electrified sea creature known as the Myrka.) Doctor: What’s wrong, Tegan? You don’t look happy. Not that you’ve ever looked happy about anything... Tegan: Happy? What the hell have I got to be happy about? I’m stuck on SEALAB 2020 with the biggest sap since FORREST GUMP, I’m about to be mauled and zapped to death by Dobbin the pantomime horse from RENTAGHOST and my new costume show bits of me my mum’s never seen! Doctor: You’ve got some very good points there... And I don’t mean the points your new costume shows. So, brave heart, Tegan... Tegan: You namby-pamby nancy boy! Shove it! (Later, the Doctor faces Icthar and Sauvix in the control room of Sea Base Four.) Icthar: We’ve got you under our control, Doctor! You cannot escape! You and your friends are our prisoners! Doctor: No, we’re not! Not once I flip this switch on the control panel. It’ll seal this control room shut behind a solid steel door! Sauvix: That would serve no point. It would achieve nothing. You’d still be stuck in the control room with the others. Doctor: That might be so, but do I look like I care? After all, the situation could be a lot worse. Sauvix: Is that so? I fail to see how. Please explain, Doctor. Doctor: I could be stuck in here with Tegan. Tegan: Hey! I heard that! And you are stuck in here with me! Doctor: Oops! Um... I was just telling these guys about how much I missed you not being here. And how sad I would be to be stuck in here without you... Tegan: Yeah... Sure you were. Do you want to know something? You guys are all starting to get under my skin! Icthar: If I was a member of the Slitheen family that could be arranged. But unfortunately, I’m a Silurian. Author: Actually, to be accurate, you’re an Eocene. Not a Silurian. Icthar: Don’t look at me. That’s up to you. I’m just a fictional character. You’re the one who’s writing this skit. I just say what you write for me to say. Tegan: I thought that only the Slitheen family could do that? You know... To Humans who were big and fat. Icthar: And your point is...? And I’m not referring to one of the points your new costume shows. Just don’t fart, Tegan. Tegan: Well, I was just curious as to how... Hey! Did you just insult me? What did you just say to me? Sauvix: I said, “Brave heart, Tegan”. But, Doctor, you do know that Dobbin, our... Um... The Myrka, our electrified sea creature, was smarter than her? Doctor: Oh yeah. And of course more believable. And more likeable. And more helpful. But, you’ve got to love her new costume! Tegan: Hey! I heard that! And will you stop staring at the bits of me my mum’s never seen!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:32:52 GMT
THE AWAKENING
Turlough: Sorry to bother you, but what’s been happening? Why’s Sir George Hutchinson holding Tegan captive? Doctor 05: He’s going to crown her as the Queen of the May. I hear the competition is red hot. Er... I meant to say, “Oh, my God”! Turlough: But that means she’ll get burned alive at the stake! We must do something - or perfectly good kindling will be wasted! It’s okay, Tegan. We’re just kidding... Doctor 05: For the most part. I’m sure there’s a downside to this scenario, but I just can’t see it at present. Besides, Tegan’s always been a bit of a hothead. Tegan: Hey! That’s not funny, you wishy-washy nancy boy! Have you ever been hit in the head with a cricket bat? Because I’d be happy to arrange it. Doctor 11: I have... And it hurt like hell! Er... But I’m guessing you couldn’t really care less about that right now. Um... I think I might just shut up now and leave. Bye! Tegan: Hmm... And I thought number five was airy-fairy and namby-pamby. But you know, Doctor, your manner doesn’t exactly fill me with optimism. Doctor 05: Thanks for the vote of confidence. But I’m glad to see you’re so down to Earth. It’s just a shame you’re not six feet further down. Tegan: You know me, Doctor. I’m all charm... No, that doesn’t work. Um... Would you believe I’m all heart? Doctor 05: Not really. About the only thing I’d believe is that you’re all mouth. Tegan: Close enough. But are you surprised? After all, I am an Aussie, you neurotic nancy boy bitch! Doctor 05: Oh, Tegan, you don’t have to remind me of that. Trust me... Tegan: I’m sorry if I seem a bit fixated on this point, but what are you doing to save me from being burned alive? Doctor 05: Well, just let Turlough and me pop back to the TARDIS for a few moments. We’ll be able to get just what we need to deal with the situation. Tegan: All right. But don’t be too long! And just what do you need to get from the TARDIS that you can’t find in the village? Doctor 05: Just the usual stuff. A few chops and sausages. Maybe a steak or two. And of course, we can’t forget a couple of cold beers either... (Doctor 05 and Turlough leave the room before Tegan can reply...) Turlough: We’re not coming back, are we? Doctor 05: Shh! She’ll hear you... (Later, in the console room of the TARDIS, Doctor 05 takes Will Chandler to one side.) Doctor 05: How’d you like to join us on our travels through space and time? You could be the next Adric... Kamelion: Danger, Will Robinson! Er... Will Chandler... Danger, Will Chandler! Doctor 05: What’s your problem? Are you having an out of body experience? Kamelion: Not quite. I would say it was more of an out of franchise experience. Doctor 05: In that case, be quiet, you bubble-headed booby!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:33:09 GMT
FRONTIOS
(Tegan and Turlough are chatting about the state of affairs on Frontios with Range.) Range: We had technological systems that could rebuild a civilization for us! Failure proof technology! Tegan: I think I know what happened next... Range: It failed… Tegan: Yep... To err is Human. But if you want to screw things up big time, you need a computer. And Microsoft software... (Later, Turlough reflects on his shock at finding out Tractators lurk in the gloom of the underground maze.) Turlough: I don’t get why I reacted to them in such an extreme and hysterical way. Tegan: Don’t forget the part where you were dribbling... Turlough: I mean who the hell writes this crap? RTD? Since when do I sit around frozen with fear and raving like a loon? Tegan: Don’t forget the part where you were dribbling... Turlough: When I first joined this TV show, I got off to a bad start. I tried to kill the Doctor. So I had to make a big effort and put a lot of hard work into making myself more likable and more like a normal DOCTOR WHO companion. Now, they’ve gone and wrecked it all in one stupid scene! Tegan: Don’t forget the part where you were dribbling. And when the TARDIS flew apart, where did Kamelion go? Was he the hat stand? Turlough: Would you shut up about my dribbling please! And stop pointing out weak bits in the plot to the TV viewers at home! Wesley: STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION didn’t do me any good either. I spent the first few years on that TV show acting like a precocious little prat! Then just when I was really starting to make some progress, they wrote me out of it! And in the end, when I did manage to get back, they made me go all strange and weird. In the end, I was turned into the type of higher life form that had no chance of being in the regular cast. Turlough: That is just nasty! Why do they always insist on screwing us young guys over by making us irksome little turds or freakishly loathsome geeks? Tegan: I’ve heard it’s a trend known as the Wesley effect. Wesley: That’s not true! It’s a trend called the Adric effect! If you recall, Adric was on TV long before I ever was. Picard: You’re both wrong. It’s so TV viewers at home will ignore all the other niggling bits in a TV show. Bits such as a weak plot. Continuity errors. Poor special effects. Frequently reused sets. Or a lame performance by an actor... Tegan: Well, whatever it is and whatever the reason for it being done, I’m not going to let it be done to me! Starting with the next TV story, I’m going to show people just what I’m made of! I’m going to work long and hard and become the most acclaimed and admired companion of all time! Turlough: Yeah right. Good luck with that...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:33:24 GMT
RESURRECTION OF THE DALEKS
(The Doctor, Tegan and Turlough stand in the midst of the ruins of the warehouse, after the last battle.) Tegan: A lot of good people have died today. I know that’s par for the course with DOCTOR WHO in the 1980s, but I’m sick of it. Doctor: You think I wanted it this way? Do I look like Colin Baker to you? Tegan: No. It’s just I don’t think I can go on. My heart’s just not in it any more. My heart won’t go on... Doctor: So, all in all, you’re telling me that you’re not cut out to be Céline Dion? Well, let’s be thankful for small mercies. You want to stay on Earth? Tegan: When I became an air stewardess, my Aunt Vanessa said, “If you stop enjoying it, give it up”. Doctor: When were you ever an air stewardess? You got the sack! Remember? And I remember your Aunt Vanessa. She had a small part in LOGOPOLIS, didn’t she? Tegan: Ha, ha, ha... Very funny. But she wasn’t the only one around here with a small part, peewee. Doctor: Hey! Just what are you trying to imply? Tegan: Oh... Nothing. But we all know what you’re like. Two hearts, but no - Doctor: All right! Let’s just move on... Tegan - Tegan: It’s stopped being fun, Doctor. Goodbye! (Tegan turns and runs out of the warehouse without looking back…) Doctor: What makes you think it was ever any fun? Goodbye and good riddance! And give my regards to SKIPPY. All right, everyone... You can all get up now! (The seemingly dead Humans get to their feet and the seemingly destroyed Daleks start to move about…) Turlough: Huh? What’s going on? Doctor: Nothing much. The show’s over now. Turlough: The show? Do you mean this whole battle and this whole story were fakes? Doctor: Yep! The destruction of the space station. The destruction of the Dalek spaceship. Even the death of Davros! It was all faked by me! I just stuck together some bits and pieces from the plots of past Dalek stories. Turlough: Yeah... Now that you mention it, I had noticed that part. The Daleks seemed to want to do it all at once. Rescue Davros, invade Earth, catch you, cure the virus and kill the High Council of the Time Lords. But why did you do it? Did you want to put Eric Saward out of work? Doctor: No, not at all. But I got rid of Tegan, didn’t I? I would’ve done it sooner, but that BBC strike stopped me. Turlough: You clever bastard! Doctor: Not bad for a wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey, airy-fairy, namby-pamby, wishy-washy neurotic nancy boy bitch... Even if I do say so myself!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:33:40 GMT
PLANET OF FIRE
(The Doctor and Peri stand at the control console in the TARDIS...) Peri: Sorry to bother you, Doctor, but what happened to the bad guy in this story? You know the one I mean. That guy in the gimp suit. The Master... Doctor: I killed him. I sabotaged the volcanic vent that he planned to use to rejuvenate himself. So he burned to death instead. Peri: Wow, Doctor! That has to be one of the most ghastly and gruesome things that I’ve ever heard! You must be a real sicko! Doctor: What? I’m not a sicko! I’m the nice guy in this TV series! Peri: Yeah right. But, Doctor, I thought that Time Lords regenerated when they were ill, not rejuvenated. Don’t you remember the whole regeneration versus rejuvenation debate when William Hartnell first changed into Patrick Troughton? Doctor: Yes. But please let’s not bring all that up now. Peri: All right. Well, in that case, what became of your robot, Kamelion? And if I could override the Master's control of Kamelion, why couldn’t you? Doctor: Show off! But if you must know, I killed Kamelion. I shot it with the Master’s TCE. I shrunk it down to the size of a child’s toy. Peri: TCE? Do you mean that long black thing that looked like a vibrator? And it made no sense that I could control Kamelion and yet you couldn’t... Doctor: Um... Yeah. That’s the one. TCE stands for Tissue Compression Eliminator. And since when did a DOCTOR WHO plot have to make sense? Peri: And yet you claim that you’re the nice guy? Uh-huh... And what happened to your other companion, Turlough? Doctor: I killed him - no wait - he left of his own accord. Peri: Uh-huh... You know, Doctor, you’re really starting to make me feel nervous. And I don’t understand what you mean about senseless plots... Doctor: Well, why else would I do something as ridiculous as asking Captain Stapley to fly the TARDIS for me in TIME-FLIGHT? And why are you so nervous, Peri? Peri: I guess I could be wrong, but you seem to be an unstable lunatic who suffers from bouts of extreme violence. Doctor: Do you think so? Just wait till you meet my next incarnation. Peri: Just who was that guy in the gimp suit? And just what was he supposed to be the Master of? Doctor: Would you believe he’s the Master of vibrators? Heh, heh, heh... Master: Hey! I heard that! Why do you keep on mocking me? In any case, would you excuse me for a moment? I think I’m going to cry. Again... Peri: I thought you said he was dead, Doctor? You said you let him burn to death. And I saw him die... I saw it! Doctor: Peri... Don’t be so damn naive! This is DOCTOR WHO. No one who dies in this TV show ever stays dead. Adric: What?! Now you tell me! You know, Doctor, you could have told me about that a bit sooner. Doctor: Oops… Did I forget to tell you? Now I wonder how I managed to do that. Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 1, 2018 0:34:07 GMT
THE CAVES OF ANDROZANI
(Doctor 05 and Peri are strolling along through the gloomy tunnels on Androzani Minor.) Peri: Doctor... Why do you wear a stick of celery in your lapel? The way you act, I would’ve thought a pansy would make a better symbol for you. Doctor 05: Why? Does it offend you? I hope so. You offend me every time you open your mouth. I keep looking around to find where the dead cat is. Peri: No. To be quite honest, I couldn’t care less. But as this is your last story, if I don’t ask you now, the TV viewers at home will never find out. Doctor 05: Fair point. Well, it’s really quite simple, Peri. I’m a very messy eater. You should see the food stains I hide under my jumper. (Later, Doctor 05 lies on the floor of the control room in the TARDIS, close to death.) Peri: What’s going on, Doctor? Are you all right? Doctor 05: Yes, I’m fine. I just thought I’d cover myself in mud and lay on the floor for a laugh. So, it’s the end, but the moment has been prepared for... Maxil: Oh yeah. You can say that again. I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since the end of ARC OF INFINITY! I knew I should have tried harder. Peri: It’s Commander Maxil! He was the Doctor all along! But for some strange reason, the clear resemblance between them will never be brought up. Watcher: Hey! Wait just a minute... Is it just me, or does any of this sound vaguely familiar to the rest of you? Doctor 05: Meh... That’s JN-T for you. So, Maxil, what did you mean just now when you made that comment? Have I been set up? Maxil: Is Yoda the coolest little green dude in the entire STAR WARS franchise? You bet your arse you were! By both JN-T and me! (Doctor 05 starts to regenerate into Doctor 06...) Nyssa: Hey! How come I had to take my skirt off when I left? The Doctor only has to take off his stick of celery... What the hell is going on? Turlough: Oh, stop your bitching, Nyssa. We all had to take something off when we left... Adric: Wow! All I had to do when I left was take off my star for mathematical excellence. So, why did I get to leave fully clothed? Tegan: Well, no one wanted to see you get naked, you tubby little turd! Who’d want to see your fat arse on TV when they’re trying to eat their meal? Adric: Oh yeah? And just what did you have to take off when you left, you dictatorial dominatrix from down under? Kamelion: Her irksome Aussie accent and her stridently bossy manner. Master: You must die, Doctor! Die! If you turn into Colin Baker, you will become a bigger bastard than what I am! (The regeneration ends at last and Doctor 06 sits up...) Doctor 06: It’s too late! I’m already here! Mwah hah, hah, hah, hah... Peri: Uh-oh... This can’t be good. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. I wish they’d picked someone else to play the role of the sixth Doctor. Author: So do I. But what can we do? He is the Doctor. Whether we like it or not...
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:17:23 GMT
THE TWIN DILEMMA
Doctor 06: Well, it’s time for my first full TV story as the Doctor. That means I can now make myself known to the TV viewers at home. Peri: So, what’s the name of this TV story? And what sort of persona are you planning to have? I hope it’ll be cautious, dignified and wise. Doctor 06: It’s called THE TWIN DILEMMA. And I thought I’d go for the type of persona that’s booed, crude and rude. Bad luck. Peri: Booed, crude and rude? Oh well, at least you’re not crude, lewd and nude. I’m not sure I could handle that. So, what’s the plot about? Doctor 06: Crude, lewd and nude? Well, once you’ve seen my new costume, you might feel differently about that. As for the plot... Er... Twins in a dilemma? Doctor 01: I was the Doctor of Amboise. Or do I mean that I was the Abbot of TARDIS? Hmm? Or was I someone else? Hmm? Hmm? Abbot: Eh? And to think there were people who thought that I was some sort of evil psycho who was out my mind. At least I still had a mind. Hmm... Doctor 02: I know. That old fart was right off his tree. In any case, I was THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD. Doctor 06: Um... I’m sorry to interrupt you, but don’t you mean that you were Salamander? Salamander: No. I hate to say this, but he was right the first time. I was Salamander - and he was THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD. Doctor 02: Hey! Why don’t you all just shut up! Or do I mean all of me? Doctor 04: Why don’t you make up your mind about your use of personal pronouns? By the way, I was MEGLOS. Meglos: Good call, Donald MacDonald. A little bit of consistency here would be nice. Doctor 05: I was Omega in ARC OF INFINITY. And I was the fifth Doctor too. Until someone stole my job... Omega 02: When are you going to get over it, Tristan? You really do need to learn how to move on, you know. Doctor 06: Tell me about it... I was Commander Maxil in ARC OF INFINITY. But only Peter Davison seemed to care. Doctor 05: Well, of course I cared, you idiotic imbecile! You kept trying to kill me! Doctor 06: And yet you still couldn’t take the hint! And you made a poor Omega. You were nowhere near as good as Stephen Thorne. Omega 02: Yeah, I know I was a poor replacement for Stephen Thorne as Omega. But you were a piss poor replacement for him as the Doctor! Omega 01: All right... All right... How about if you two make a deal with each other just to agree on the fact that you were both piss poor? (Suddenly, all the sets of twins vanish into thin air, leaving Doctor 06 and Peri standing side by side in the console room of the TARDIS…) Doctor 06: Well, I’m just glad that’s all over and done with at last. But it wasn’t quite what I had in mind for THE TWIN DILEMMA. Hee, hee... Peri: Oh really? Let me guess... You were hoping it had something to do with my bra strap snapping, didn’t you? I saw you looking. Pervert. Maxil: All right... I’m here at last. I’m sorry I’m late. Am I still in time for THE TWIN DILEMMA? Peri: And I thought that one of you was bad enough! I didn’t know when I was well off. And I’ve heard of multiple personality disorders, but this is nuts!
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Post by ant-mac on Aug 12, 2018 9:17:55 GMT
ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN
Peri: Oh wow! Look at the TARDIS! It’s changed form! It looks so different from what it used to look like... Doctor 06: Well duh! I mentioned to you a short while ago that I was fixing the chameleon circuit. It was while we were travelling through the vortex of space and time. What’s the matter, Peri? Why weren’t you listening to me? Peri: I was, Doctor. I just thought I’d set up the scene for anyone who was reading this skit, but has never seen ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN. Doctor 06: Oh... Were you? Hmm... Well, now I think about it, I must admit it sounds like quite a good idea. All right... Please carry on... Peri: Thank you. So, if the TARDIS can change its shape, just what can it look like? Doctor 06: Oh... Lots of different things. An old kitchen range. Or a pipe organ. Or a set of big iron gates. Or a tall brown box. Or a glass pyramid. Or a pot plant. Or an ionic pillar. Or a fireplace. Or a Concorde. Or an iron maiden. Or a large stone slab. Or an Egyptian pyramid. Or at least the image of an Egyptian pyramid on the scanner screen... Or a statue of Melkur. Or a grandfather clock. Or a horsebox. Or a tall plain white box. Or a big red spaceship. Or a big green computer. Or a tall green metal box. Or a sarcophagus. Or a rocky outcrop. Or a block of brown stone. Or a large block of ice. Or a sedan chair. Or so on... But I think you get the idea. Peri: You bet your fat ass I do. So, if the TARDIS can disguise itself as all these different things, why didn’t you fix the chameleon circuit sooner? I mean, at least it wouldn’t have stuck out like a sore thumb for so long. Why didn’t you do it before now, Doctor? Doctor 06: That’s a very good question. I’m not quite sure if I can recall... Oh... Hang on... Yes I do! It’s because of when the damn thing still worked and the TARDIS could still change shape every time I landed somewhere. I could never find it again because I could never remember what it bloody looked like! Peri: Is it time for you to confront Fat Bastard yet? Doctor 06: Fat Bastard?! Oh, you mean the Cyber Controller. Yes, I’d noticed he’s put on some weight. For a moment, I thought you were having a go at me. Peri: Oh, Doctor... As if I’d do that to you... Doctor 06: I never thought I’d need help from a guy with glasses, bad teeth and too much body hair. I just hope he brings his GOLDMEMBER with him. Austin: Oh behave, you sexy beast! Doctor (Lenny Henry): Hello! Is this the DOCTOR WHO story where I meet and fight against Margaret Thatcher and the Cybermen? Peri: No. That was just a comedy sketch on your TV program. This is the proper DOCTOR WHO TV series. But many of the sets are still the same... Doctor 06: The proper DOCTOR WHO TV series? But you said this was a skit before. Oh well... What do you have to say for yourself now, smart aleck? Doctor (Lenny Henry): I’m back! I’m bad! I’m black - and you’re mad... Peri: Oh yeah! Amen to that, brother! Cyber Leader: I am here to... Oh, forget it.
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