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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:26:46 GMT
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:27:04 GMT
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:27:19 GMT
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid. "So that’s what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park."
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:27:36 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:27:36 GMT
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £100 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £100 on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint… my… house."
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:28:30 GMT
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:30:34 GMT
A clever man invents a robot that's able to tell when a person is lying. It needs a little fine-tuning, as it currently slaps the liar, but our inventor is eager to test it on his son.
DAD "What did you do after school today?"
SON "Watched a Harry Potter movie over at Billy's"
Smack! The robot slaps the son. Mom comes in to see what the commotion is.
DAD "Don't lie to me son. What were you doing/"
SON "Well, we did watch a movie, but it was porn."
DAD "Porn? I didn't even know what porn was at your age!"
Smack! The robot slaps the dad.
MOM "Well, he certainly is your son..."
Smack! The Robot slaps the mom.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:31:37 GMT
A blind guy walks into a bar.
And then a table.
And then a chair.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:31:56 GMT
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:35:09 GMT
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog. Suddenly he starts spinning the dog in the air from its leash like a lasso.
The store clerk runs frantically to the man and asks him "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm just looking around."
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:35:25 GMT
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:35:39 GMT
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:35:57 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:35:57 GMT
Does a blind man walk his dog, or is it the other way around?
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:36:21 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:36:21 GMT
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:36:55 GMT
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mister Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mister Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air. I work for 7-UP."
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:37:18 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:37:18 GMT
A mother and her daughter were at the gynaecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mummy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:37:40 GMT
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Missus Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:37:56 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:37:56 GMT
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:38:12 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:38:12 GMT
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:38:37 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:38:37 GMT
Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams, "Argh! A rattler bit my cock!"
"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.
"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison."
"Is that the only way, Doc?" asked the man.
"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."
He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:39:08 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:39:08 GMT
What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?
PHYSICIST DISCLAIMERS
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the uncertainty principle, it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
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