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Post by Johnny-Come-Lately on May 6, 2018 21:52:12 GMT
Got this from Reddit.
A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave
There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave. The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the pope waved his hands around in the air. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay. Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened. The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my hands around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue. He had an answer to everything. How could I continue with my decree after that?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won. "First," said the rabbi, "he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
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Post by Nalkarj on May 25, 2018 18:16:12 GMT
There’s some family stuff going on at the moment and I’m really feeling down, so if anyone has a few jokes, I’d appreciate ’em! Here are a few from the local paper: “Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘No way!’ says Dolly. Daisy, insulted, says, ‘It’s true, no bull!’” “Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.” “Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inside the boat. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.” “A midget, who was also a psychic, escaped from jail. The newspaper headline read, ‘Small Medium at Large.’” “And, finally, there was the man who sent 20 puns to his friends in the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did.”
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2018 18:30:13 GMT
A man walks into an Ackbar. Bartender says: It's a trap!
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Post by Nalkarj on May 30, 2018 13:06:15 GMT
The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating firecrackers. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Post by Nalkarj on May 30, 2018 13:31:49 GMT
An 8-year-old girl goes to her dad, who is working in the yard.
She asks him, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father is surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeds to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.” When he finishes explaining, the little girl looks at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asks her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replies, “Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
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Post by Nalkarj on Jun 3, 2018 2:16:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2018 3:07:39 GMT
So here's one my uncle told me at his Memorial Day BBQ...
Two roommates, Bob and Joe. share an apartment. Each night one of them cooks. And the other always complains about how bad the food is.
So, sick of hearing the complaining, they decide that one of them will cook every night and the moment the other complains about the food they will switch.
They agree. Flip a coin. Bob loses. He is the cook.
So Bob cooks every night. And even though the food is still bad, Joe won't complain because he doesn't want to take over. He simply says: It's good!
Weeks go by and every night when Bob asks how the food is Joe's reply is the same: It's good!
Bob quickly gets tired of cooking and begins delibrately making the food worse and worse. But when asked how it is, Joe still replies, night after night: It's good!
So one night, Bob has had enough. He finds some dog droppings and puts them into the food.
Joe takes a bite and exclaims: Oh my God! This tastes like SHIT! ...But it's good!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 6:05:45 GMT
What did Humphrey Borgart say to Admiral Ackbar? Here's looking at you, squid
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Post by Nalkarj on Jul 24, 2018 14:34:07 GMT
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
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Post by Nalkarj on Jul 24, 2018 14:36:54 GMT
I watch this fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There’s 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is “film editor.” This poor guy. He’s got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
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Post by Nalkarj on Jul 24, 2018 14:43:45 GMT
Did you hear that the other day Jumbo the Elephant escaped from the zoo? No? Crazy story.
By the way, did you hear that Horace Fishbottom, the billionaire, was trampled to death in his 25th floor penthouse apartment? Luckily, the guard saw a suspicious person get on the elevator. And he gave the cops a description: I think about 11 feet tall, 8 feet tall, maybe 6 tons, grey skin and a tail?
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Post by Nalkarj on Jul 24, 2018 14:49:53 GMT
The card store has a section called “New Baby.” I don’t think you need the word “new.” But then they’d have to clear up confusion. “Do you have an Old Baby section? ‘Cause my friend’s had a baby, but I let time get away from me, and now he’s 12.”
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:16:22 GMT
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:16:57 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:16:57 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:18:24 GMT
During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman.
"We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant. So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"
"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:19:45 GMT
A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entrée.
The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, "So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?"
The rabbi hesitates. "Well, it's not for me to say..."
The priest pushes on. "Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it."
"Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once."
Smugly the priest teases him, "And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heh heh."
"Yeah, I'll say."
A few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: "Tell me Father, have you ever had sex with a woman before?"
"Why of course... well, before I took holy orders, that is."
The rabbi smirks, "Better than pork, eh?"
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Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:21:57 GMT
A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?" continues the priest.
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?"
"I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.
The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do," asks the rabbi.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?"
"Twice."
"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:22:25 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:22:25 GMT
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:24:04 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:24:04 GMT
A gentleman was walking down the street when he come upon four young girls, all in their finest dresses. He went up to the first girl and asked, "So what's your name, sweetie?"
"Rose", replied the girl.
"That's a pretty name, why did your parents name you that?"
"Because when I was born, a rose petal fell on my forehead."
He smiled and asked the second girl her name.
"Violet, sir. When I was born, a violet petal fell on my forehead."
He went to the third girl, again inquiring her name.
"Daisy. When I was born, a Daisy petal fell on my forehead."
He finally asked the last little girl, who only grunted and moaned. Finally, her sister stepped in and replied, "I'm sorry, sir. Her name is Cinder Block."
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2018 2:25:12 GMT
Post by ant-mac on Jul 25, 2018 2:25:12 GMT
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called "Witchcraft".
Today it's called "Golf"...
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