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Post by ant-mac on Nov 22, 2018 10:53:33 GMT
I never cared much for voting, until someone explained the process to me. Apparently, you get to put your ex in a box...
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Post by ant-mac on Nov 22, 2018 11:54:14 GMT
A young couple who just got married moved in next door to me last week. They spent all weekend making a sex tape... Although obviously they don't know that yet.
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Post by ant-mac on Nov 23, 2018 10:31:31 GMT
I've always wanted to prepare my own meals, but I was one of those cooks who would scream and shout and swear...
Then I discovered oven gloves.
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Post by ant-mac on Nov 23, 2018 12:12:47 GMT
From across the room I saw her. Dark eyes, cherry lips, perfect teeth, silken hair, delicate skin... My perfect woman!
"Do you come here often?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yes, I come to the clinic every week to be tested."
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Post by Nalkarj on Apr 9, 2019 18:26:05 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Apr 9, 2019 18:44:58 GMT
How can you tell if someone's a vegan?
Just wait... They'll tell you.
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Post by redhorizon on Apr 10, 2019 7:38:39 GMT
Q. What did the astronomer’s friends do after he didn’t win the Nobel Prize?
A. They gave him a constellation prize.
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2019 19:31:22 GMT
Post by mikef6 on Apr 10, 2019 19:31:22 GMT
If it comes down to saving an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will always save the infant without even considering if there is a man on base.
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Post by Jep Gambardella on Apr 10, 2019 19:54:32 GMT
A priest and a rabbi are traveling in the same train compartment. They strike up a conversation and after some time the priest asks "is it true that Jews aren't allowed to eat pork?". The rabbi replies that it is true, and proceeds to explain in great detail why that is so. The priest listens attentively and then asks.
"Have you ever tried pork?" "No, never" "What about ham or bacon?" "No, my faith forbids it" "Really, never?" "No" "Not even once?" "No" "Just between us, we are both men of faith, never? Really?" The rabbi sighs and admits "just between us, once when I was a teenager I did try bacon. But it was just that one time". The priest asks with a smug look on his face: "Did you like it?" "I have to admit that I did like the taste, yes. But I have never touched any pork product since"
They stay silent for a little while and then the rabbi asks
"Is it true that Catholic priests can't have sex?" "Yes, we take vows of celibacy and chastity when we join the church. All our energy is dedicated to the church and the community" "Have you ever had sex?" "No!" "Really, never?" "No, I joined the seminary when I was young and I would never break my vows" "Not even once?" "No, never" "Just between us, we are two men of faith: never?" "No, absolutely not"
The rabbi thinks for a little while and replies "It's better than pork..."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2019 17:14:10 GMT
So why aren't hallways in insane asylums called psychopaths?
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Post by mikef6 on Apr 23, 2019 4:46:12 GMT
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. All that beeping gave me a headache and made me feel dizzy.
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Post by Prime etc. on Apr 23, 2019 6:37:50 GMT
So why aren't hallways in insane asylums called psychopaths? I chuckled aloud. Good job.
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Post by Nalkarj on Nov 22, 2019 21:06:35 GMT
A six-year-old boy comes home from school one day and proudly announces he’s learned how to make babies.
His mother decides that it would be better if she explained it, instead of her son’s relying on what kids at school told him, so she explains to him how babies are made.
“Oh,” he says. “My way’s a lot easier. You just leave off the ‘-y’ and add ‘-ies.’”
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Post by BATouttaheck on Nov 22, 2019 21:44:18 GMT
NalkarjForgot about this thread … some really funny stuff … liked that last one !
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Post by Nalkarj on Jan 14, 2021 21:03:22 GMT
The doctor and the detective were discussing the Adventure of the Resurfaced Geologist.
“I saw from the beginning that the man we met was not the real Prof. Kapopkin,” the detective explained, “when he mentioned that he was investigating igneous rocks, particularly limestone.”
“How’d you figure it out so quickly, my good fellow?!” cried the doctor.
“Sedimentary, my dear Watson,” said Sherlock Holmes.
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Post by Nalkarj on Jan 29, 2021 20:13:49 GMT
“I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 106. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2021 20:26:08 GMT
via mobile
Nalkarj likes this
Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2021 20:26:08 GMT
Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he might get a hole in one!
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Post by marianne48 on Jan 30, 2021 2:51:55 GMT
Here's a cute little family joke:
A hunter shoots a deer, ties it to the top of his car, and brings it home. He saves the head for a trophy and cuts up the rest of the body, then takes a hunk of the deer meat into the house and tells his wife, ¨Here, babe...cook this up for dinner tonight.¨
Later, he's having dinner with his wife, his 9-year-old son, and his 6-year-old daughter. He says to the kids, ¨Daddy caught dinner for tonight. You've never eaten this kind of meat before. Betcha can't guess what it is.¨
The boy takes a bite, rolls it around in his mouth, and thinks hard. ¨Hmmm...is it duck?" he guesses.
¨No, try again,¨ says the father.
¨Is it...is it a bunny rabbit?" the little girl asks nervously.
¨Nope. Wrong again," replies the father. ¨Keep guessing!¨
¨Is it wild boar?" the boy asks.
The father sighs. ¨Naahh, that's not it, either. I'll give you a hint.¨ He winks at his wife. ¨It's a thing that Mommy likes to call Daddy sometimes.¨
The boy runs this through his mind for a few seconds, then a look of horror spreads across his face. He turns quickly to his little sister and cries, ¨Spit it out, Sis! We´re eating a**hole!¨
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Post by Nalkarj on Nov 16, 2021 16:36:31 GMT
Apparently an old joke, but I never heard it before today:
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Jokes
Jul 10, 2022 20:11:36 GMT
Post by rachelcarson1953 on Jul 10, 2022 20:11:36 GMT
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes. Genie: What will be your first wish? Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money. bartlesby I found that poster, he hasn't been here in a while, I am quoting his last post! Yeah, I know, sometimes my OCD gets the better of me, lol! And, as a side benefit, I think we need the joke thread back!
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